Dear Murtaza,

of course i do, im human after all, i desire love and have normal emotion, almost, i don’t understand the need to say such obvious facts.

What you said previously suggested that you felt fundamentally different, because you said:

i was created in a way that guarantee misery

You weren’t created differently, nor are you sentenced to misery forever. Your experience growing up probably involved a lot of rejection, but you decided it’s your fault that you’re so needy. You wanted love but couldn’t get it, perhaps you were even judged and reprimanded for wanting love. That’s why you started believing that there’s something wrong with you, that you’re created in a wrong way (i was created in a way that guarantee misery).

At the same time, you don’t want to change to fit your parents’ and the society’s expectations. You believe that you can only receive love if you change to fit the society’s expectations, and you don’t want that. If the society expects you to relinquish love and become “tough”, then you’re right in not wanting that. So I understand your resistance to change.

my number one goal is to have the easiest life there is, that means no fighting, no changing, no struggle, no people that might make my life harder,

my mother always takes the easy way, its a deep problem that takes root in my teenage years

If you would like to talk more about how your mother took the easy way, you’re welcome.

so i can have what i need ? i don’t think so, i mean i can understand why i have this, but whats the point if i can’t satisfy a bits of it?

You can, if you’re completely honest with yourself and admit your legitimate need for love, without blaming yourself that it’s wrong for you to need it.

Dear Murtaza,

thank you for answering, you said some really interesting things, for example this:

i also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me, i sometimes imagine myself as a baby, who being taken care, loved, nurtured,

Well, did you know that we all dream about that? That you’re no different in that respect from the rest of humanity? Every baby and every child longs for being hugged and understood and comforted and held. But so many children don’t receive it, which causes trauma and all sorts of problems later in life. It seems to me you haven’t received that love and nurturing, and this might be the basis of your feelings today.

But please know that in that longing, you’re no different than the rest of humanity, than the rest of the people in your country.  Only many of them might not be showing it and admitting it. They might have hardened their hearts to that love and seek something else to compensate for it. Perhaps you don’t want to compensate for it, because you know that all compensation is fake, it’s not the real thing. It’s not the true love that you long for – true love that you know, at least in your dreams.

im glad that you are asking, but can you tell me why? what’s the point ?

So I can know you better and perhaps help you see some things, e.g. that you’re not that different, and that your longing is valid.

Dear Murtaza,

i was created in a way that guarantee misery, i won’t change, neither is society

i just wished i wasn’t so different

Do you have some physical or other disability that makes you feel different?

It seems you’ve experienced rejection a lot, and last time it was by someone called antina.

she ended up ignoring me, when she knew that i don’t wanna change

How did she want you to change?

Dear Ishita,

if I understood well, you excelled at school, at all subjects but sports. But you loved outdoor games, so you participated in them, even though you were treated badly by your batchmates who “didn’t feel you fitted with them.”

I was good in studies always and other things too, so I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.

But I remember how I used to feel trouble sleeping at night during those interhouse sports selection days

Because I used to feel really anxious during that time and used to feel that the girls(who used to be mean to me) are actually way better than me in that game.

Was there a selection involved, like only the best players were selected to play for a team, and you weren’t selected? Or how did it go?

In any case, it appears you were very anxious for being rejected and criticized by those school mates of yours, who didn’t want you on their team, I suppose?

But since you were still excellent at other subjects, you didn’t allow this to ruin your self-confidence completely (I never used to allow myself to be bothered by not being too good at sports.)

However, when the time for college entrance exams came, you had bad luck and hurt your leg, and were 2 months behind others in preparations.

And thanks to a few toxic friends(i didnt know the concept of toxic friends then, so I never really tried cutting contact with any one of em during that period, and it had impacted my preparation A LOT negatively) , they had a very negative competitive nature.. I used to feel that I am so behind on the syllabus that I would never make it.

Your school mates would probably report to you what’s going on in classes, maybe telling you how super competitive is, how they have to work hard, and if you’re behind even one week, not to mention 2 months, you’re doomed to fail. Is this what was going on? You started to fear that you – the best student in class – would now fail and be left behind.

This is where your anxiety really started to kick in, because now it was about your whole identity, not just about one side of you, which is sports. You said earlier that being “the smartest kid in the class, being really fast” was what defined you, what you identified with. It seems to me you based your self-esteem on it. If it turns out you’re not super smart after all, that you’re just average and there are other, smarter kids than you – then it means you’re nothing special. Is this how you were viewing it?

At the same time, you say:

during my school life, my education was moreof, something that I pursue because I enjoy it and their wasnt really any pressure on me, neither from my family nor my own.

You didn’t feel pressured by your parents to perform well in school. So it’s not that they made you feel bad if you weren’t a straight-A student. Learning came naturally to you, you were smart and enjoyed school, and good marks were a natural result. You weren’t pressured by your parents.

But somehow, when the pressure of competition was introduced, you suddenly became self-conscious and started questioning yourself. It’s like this new, competitive environment made you aware of a harsh world out there, from which you had been  protected till then, and suddenly, you lost your place in it. If you’re not the smartest kid in the class, then what are you?

It appears that this confusion lasts till this day. You did say that you understand you worried too much back then:

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

But it appears you’re still struggling, cannot find your place, cannot regain that self-confidence you had as a child. At 17 you started believing you’re not special, and you still believe it. Your feeling special is linked to your school performance, it seems to me. I believe you would need to disentangle the two, and realize you are special, regardless of your academic performance. How does that sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Umm,

Sometimes, I just don’t know whether it’s my fault, or things I say, to make him feel this way. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him, and I guess it isn’t enough for him to let go of his insecurity.

It’s not your fault, it’s his insecurity and lack of self-esteem that make him react like that. And no amount of your love and reassurance can heal his insecurity – only he can do that, if he’d be willing to work on it in therapy.

Can you accept that it’s not your fault? Or there’s a part of your that still believes that you might have contributed to it? Sorry for probing, but I think it’s very important that you’re clear about it, not just for your relationship with him but for your other relationships too (you mentioned a female friend treated you badly, so I wonder if there’s a similarity there? Not suggesting there is, just that you be clear on it).

Dear Umm,

it appears your boyfriend is very insecure of himself. For one, he’s easily offended by what people say about him, and even more that that, he’s bringing up your ex-boyfriends and male colleagues you used to hang out with in the past. He seems to resent you for having been in those relationships or friendships. He’s jealous of those men, and compares himself with them, because he’s insecure of himself. When he says “he knows his worth”, I guess deep down he has a very low self-esteem.

He said his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend was very toxic, as in going to his social medias and told him to delete any girls that she did not like. I am not sure if because of his toxic past, it affects him and he brings it up on me in this relationship.

His ex-girlfriend seems to be even more controlling than he is, but unfortunately his behavior doesn’t seem to be very far from hers. I don’t think she is the reason for his present-day behavior. Rather, it would be his personality and his own unresolved  issues. But the point is that his behavior is toxic too, and unless he changes, I’d say it’s not worth it.

Dear Javier,

I hear you, I know it’s hard. You’re at the lowest point in your life, but remember – it’s always darkest before the dawn! Please trust that the dawn is coming, the first rays of light are going to show up soon for you. Have faith. You’re not an old man, you can still have children of your own, or adopt – there are more ways to be a father or a caretaker for a child. But first, you need to be a father to your own inner child. That’s the child that now needs you more than anything. And if you tend to that child (e.g. with the help of somatic therapy), he will heal and your life will transform before your eyes. Just give it a try.

Dear Javier,

you’re making a very good decision to see a mental health professional, because you do need someone to help you, you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

Please know one thing: you’re not a lost soul and you were meant to be born. You got born into a very difficult environment that caused so much damage to you. Now is the time to start repairing that damage. You’re 42, years and years are ahead of you, you can heal the wound and write a new script. You said you would like that. You said “I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.” Indeed, it is possible to start living again, even after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. So don’t give up hope, seek help, make that first step to your new life.

And let us know how the appointment with the mental health professional went. Wish you luck!