Dear Paradoxy,

The factors that affected you will not be the same factors that affect me, and therefore the solutions you suggest won’t work in certain situations

The funny thing is that regardless of where we were born, and in what circumstances, every child needs the same to be happy and healthy. The basic needs of a child are to be loved, appreciated, seen, validated, supported and encouraged by their parents of primary caregivers. These needs are like sunshine, water and soil for a plant to thrive. Without them, we will wither. Maybe not physically, but emotionally for sure.

Unfortunately you had very few of those needs met. And that’s why your inner child is hurting and still wants to have those needs met.

Some of those needs were met by B, and that’s probably one of the reasons you grew so attached to her. This is what you said about B:

she tried her best with my emotional needs as well, I just didn’t think of listing them which is why I said etc. She tries to motivate me whenever the stress of medicine gets to me. She even supported my music development, computer engineering projects etc.

So she encouraged you to do what you love…. whereas your parents discouraged you:

They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers.

Being encouraged meant a lot to you (it means a lot to everyone!). It also includes being seen for who you are, appreciated for who you are as a person, not trying to change you. You spoke more about it here:

I was never offered a chance to show my real personality to anyone, so they all pushed me away. The one person who didn’t push me away was B.

She saw you and accepted you for who you are. She didn’t reject you, like your parents did. You felt seen and accepted by her, haven’t you?

She is the first person to have ever loved me. … She was the only person who treated me like I meant something,

She was the opposite from your parents in some aspects, and it felt so good to you (and your inner child). You felt loved when she treated you like that. So loved that you were willing to disregard all the hurt she caused you by having sex (or sexting) with other men after each of your (very frequent) fights.

I know I am repeating myself, but I’ll say it once again: I think that she might be using sex (or sexual behavior, such as sexting) as an emotion regulation strategy, as a coping mechanism, when she feels bad about herself. That’s why I suggested it might be like an addiction, because she kept doing it, even if she promised she wouldn’t. I believe the only way for her to really stop is to a) admit she has a problem, and b) starts working in it in therapy.

You are still deliberating whether to give her another chance, because to paraphrase you, “everybody deserves another chance”, “things are complex”, “I need to consider all factors” etc etc. Well, you already gave her plenty of chances, and as I’ve explained above, people with addiction/compulsion cannot change unless they truly heal and transform from within. Which she hasn’t done, and she cannot do without a serious dedication on her part and professional help. You explaining to her why it is wrong, or begging her not to do it, won’t cut it.

Anyway, as I said above, I think the real reason why you can’t let her go is because she was meeting some of your unmet childhood needs (such as the need for acceptance and validation).

And it felt so good, to the point that you thought she was “wife material”, completely disregarding the entire range of very un-wifey behaviors, such as lying to you, sleeping with other men, sexting etc.

But your reaction is not strange. In fact, this is what typically happens when we have unmet childhood needs, because we then blindly stick to the person who gives us even a fraction of what we needed as a child. Even if they are abusing us in other ways.

She was a mix of positive and negative (quite negative, I should say), but you were tempted to endure the negative, just so you could have the positive.

Your inner child wants her (the positive aspects of her), and then your rational mind is trying to find excuses why you should give her another chance. These rationalizations are driven by your inner child – by your emotional hunger – not by any sound logic.

This is why it’s important that we meet our unmet emotional needs from childhood – because they are like hungry wolves, howling and wanting, even if it goes against our own well-being. Mind you, those needs are legitimate, but they need to be met by proper inner work and healing, not by expecting others to meet them for us.

You said one of your subjects is psychology. There is a great video by a licensed therapist Kati Morton, who is talking about those unmet needs. It’s on youtube, titled 10 things you parents should have provided. It’s worth watching…

Dear Paradoxy,

I have been having exams for the last few weeks and I have been focusing on them. I tried my best not to let the break up affect my studying. The way you tell me to heal makes it sound so simple.

It’s not simple. I think it would need a paradigm shift (mental shift), as well as emotional healing. And it’s a long process. But you are only 19, your adult life is only beginning.

I think perhaps one of the starting points could be to realize that there are some serious deficiencies in your father’s wisdom, in his approach to life. Because someone who is not in touch with their emotions cannot be a wise man, per definition. You mentioned his wisdom several times:

my father’s wisdom was passed down to me over the years that he taught me.

I have chosen to forgive my parents because they do not know any better and their wisdom still taught me to be a good man to the best of my ability.

What your father passed on you is probably a set of moral codes and rules for life. But he wasn’t able to pass on you the wisdom of the heart: compassion, empathy and understanding for others. You have those qualities inside of you, but if you start believing that the best way is to cut off your feelings, so they don’t bother you, then the wisdom of the heart – which you do possess – will be lost on you too.

But that trauma has made him compassionate enough to WANT to understand, but he is INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING.

he asks me to open up but his inability to understand forces me to never open up to him because all he points out is how my feelings are wrong instead of understanding why I am feeling the way I feel.

He asks you to open up, not because he wants to understand you, but because he wants to prove how wrong you are. He doesn’t really want to understand. He is stubborn (your own words) and believes he knows better. That’s not a sign of any kind of compassion: his trauma seems to have made him very stubborn and defensive, very closed to a different perspective.

You said: They have never listened to me.

Your father never tried to understand you. He pretended he wanted to (he would ask you to open up), but then he would invalidate your feelings. And it seems he had a skill of being very convincing:

there were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic.)

Your father seems to be pro in convincing you (and others) to accept his views and opinions. He seems like someone who is convinced that only his stance is right, and no discussion about it. What he does then is a kind of mental coercion. In his mind, there is no space for listening to a different opinion: his word is “the truth”. End of story.

I guess he used similar methods to convince you to study medicine, listing all the reasons why medicine is the best choice. But to be a good doctor, you have to love what you do. And you already have some doubts about it:

The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

I am not saying to stop studying medicine, not at all. I am just saying to stop accepting that you need to be unhappy for the rest of your life, just to please your father, or your parents.

Your father might have convinced you, with his “pure logic”, that medicine is the best option for you. He convinced you to give up what you love, for what is useful or opportune. And you accepted it: you accepted that your life must be as your parents construed, and nothing else. You accepted that you need to obey your parents’ wishes, even if it makes you miserable.

I would like to invite you to challenge that stance of complete submission to your parents. They proved that they don’t know what’s best for you. For example, they know nothing about mental health. They’re not able to give you guidance on true happiness and fulfillment, which is still achievable for you. So please don’t accept everything they tell you, don’t give up on your own wishes and desires.

I’d encourage you to re-evaluate things, e.g. see what subjects you like better, see your preferences. Allow yourself to feel your likes and dislikes. Just feel them, don’t crush them immediately. That can be the beginning of your healing.

Dear Paradoxy,

I would like to separate our debate about women in the modern society (which I will address too), from the fact that you have suffered emotional abuse and neglect by your parents, regardless of whether they did it on purpose or not. Of course, they didn’t do it on purpose – they did what they thought was right. But nevertheless, it still caused severe emotional harm to you. And this harm needs to be addressed and healed – if you want to have a fulfilling life and a healthy relationship/marriage.

You’ve opened up and shared your pain and your vulnerability on this thread, and I appreciate it, and would like to help you. You did indeed suffer from B’s poor treatment, as well as from your parents’ poor treatment. And a part of you knows it. You’ve shared about it extensively.

But there is this other part, which got stronger in recent posts, where you minimize the pain you’ve suffered and seek to find excuses to basically stay within the confines of your parents’ worldview. You said:

The only reason my parents shut down my feelings is because they cannot comprehend my feelings. They cannot comprehend the pain that a suicidal person is going through.

If they cannot comprehend feelings, it doesn’t mean they need to crush the person who is having those feelings (you). They could have (and should have) taken you to a psychologist after you suicide attempt. But instead, your mother told you you’ve caused them humiliation, while your father said that suicidal people are idiots:

He is the type of person that constantly tells me that suicidal people are idiots and etc.

This attitude is more than ignorance. It is called wilful ignorance: when someone has the capacity to understand, and has access to relevant information, but they don’t want to. You say your father is highly educated, and yet he was capable of (ignorantly ) claiming that suicidal people are idiots.

I would like to communicate with the part of you who sees how damaging this was, and who stops making excuses. You don’t have to hate your parents, I am not saying that, but just stop making excuses for them. And start focusing on healing the pain they’ve caused you, rather than finding “proofs” that how they did things was actually right.

Dear Paradoxy,

I think my parents were neglecting my pain to let me grow into someone that is not affected by pain like this. As a result, though I feel pain in leaving B, I am able to live a much more normal life than I would have been.

Are you really able to live a normal life, dear Paradoxy? You said the pain regarding B has been eating you up, destroying you, you couldn’t sleep for 3 months, you “have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something“. You said the pain has ruined you.

So am I actually neglecting my pain or am I choosing to push it to the back of my mind cause I have other priorities like studying for my med exam and other things that should not be affected by my pain?

Are you really not affected by pain, Paradoxy? Your words on wanting to go back in time and wipe out your own existence are an alarming proof that you are in a great amount of pain. Otherwise you wouldn’t believe such things about yourself. So it is clear to me that you are very much affected by your pain, and that suppressing it hasn’t helped you at all.

We do not have time to feel pain. We have responsibilities and other issues to worry about.

This sounds like something your father would say. I imagine he was telling you such things, and from an early childhood. The truth is that even adult men should be allowed to feel their pain, not to mention little children.

So I’d think twice if I’d want to follow that “wisdom”. And the thing is that we cannot be really wise if we lack emotional intelligence. Pure logic (which your father used) isn’t enough.

I hope we can talk some more on true wisdom: one that includes both intellect and emotions.

Hey Beni,

Jap, I felt disconnected. I have day’s or times where I retreat into myself and I struggle to reach out. It feels like a stone on my heart, it’s harder to give love and share/show myself and also I got and still am sick :-/

That’s okay if you don’t respond when you don’t feel like it. No pressure. I am sorry you got sick – is it something like the flu?

I am again worse with regard to my back – it started hurting for apparent reason, without any wrong move, so I am perplexed. Not really panicking like last year, but it’s not a good feeling to go through it again, because I thought I’ve reached a certain state, where I was more resilient and more stable. But apparently not :\

Are you saying that you wanna reach this goal cause it expresses values you want to see in the world?

Well, it would be a positive contribution for the world, on a small scale of course, within my sphere of influence.

I think that’s why it’s helpful to differentiate needs from the strategies to meet the need. I wanna pray for the need.

You want to pray to know what you need to do? Like, you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that? Sorry if I misunderstood you…

I wanted to reply here and my mind was like now, now, now you have to do it. It can be painful to not do things. I feel helpless. It’s hard for me to let people wait.

Ah, it sounds like you believe people have expectations on you, they want you to do something, and you feel pressured by it, and you don’t like it. (BTW there are no expectations from my side, so as far as I am concerned, please don’t feel pressured to reply).

Anyhow I figured if I really wanna do it I will do it. I’ll do it without effort but I have to wait for it. Often I can’t do it any other way it’s just too painful.

Okay, so you feel comfortable doing things at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel like it, not when someone tells you to do it, right? Is it related to your family and the expectations they have from you? Or other people’s expectations as well?

BTW thanks for the lyrics. I see the entire booklet is called “Mantras for Miracles” – that’s nice, I’ll check it out.

Dear Paradoxy,

I am well aware that all my thoughts are wrong, but it is just how I feel, the thoughts I have, the things I wonder. I hope you understand.

I do understand. I understand what a childhood with emotionally abusive or neglectful parents can do to us. That we end up feeling hollow, because we believe that no one cares, that we don’t matter to anybody, and that our existence is futile. Or even worse, that our existence causes pain to others, like you have learned to believe.

What I notice is that you seek excuses not only for your girlfriend, but also for your parents too. You would rather blame your school friend who informed her parents about your suicide attempt, than your parents who reacted in an absolutely uncaring way, berating you that you caused them humiliation, instead of stopping to ask themselves what is bothering you.

But that’s how our child’s mind works: the child always blames themselves, not the parents, because that’s a survival mechanism. The child needs to believe that if only he/she behaved better, the parent would finally show them love, or be proud of them. This happens even with children who are severely abused – the child never blames their parents.

So when you talk about your parents like that, claiming that “their influence is actually minor“, you are in your child’s mind. And when you speak of yourself as a failure and a nobody, you are in your child’s mind too.

If we had good, loving and caring parents, the bullying we’ve experienced from other kids wouldn’t have such a great impact on us. If your parents “woke up” after your suicide attempt and sought to understand you – to listen to you –  you wouldn’t have felt even worse about yourself, and even more solidified in your belief that you are a burden and that you cause pain to others. The deacon’s son’s bullying wouldn’t have had such an effect on you, because you would have felt supported and consoled by your parents, rather than attacked.

Your parents were indeed the key factor in the formation of your personality, and in your ability to take the hits (the bullying, the cruelty) of your peers. Since you didn’t have a soft spot to fall on – a safe haven in your own home – the bullying felt much worse and cut much deeper than if you had caring and supportive parents.

So please consider that there are two parts in you: one is the adult part, who sees things more clearly and realizes the negative effect of your parents (as well as the negative effect of your girlfriend on you). And there is the child part, who wants to protect both your parents and your girlfriend, blaming yourself rather than them for your emotional suffering.

Here are some of the examples of your adult mind, talking about your parents:

They are too narrow minded to accept change in life style. To accept a different method to handling situations. They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers.

They never thought of encouraging the things that I liked, whether it be music or coding or etc. They never let me have a childhood, always forcing me to “act like an adult” and etc. … The constant pressure of needing high scores and everything in order to get into a college to pursue a degree in something I hated drove me to where I am as well.

The main difference between my sister and I is that she received too much freedom and I received too less freedom. … And that freedom, I will never get, as even now I am controlled by my parents’ desires, and when I try to go against them, they install me with the fear of “what if I am wrong”.

The career path to become a doctor gurantees that I will be successful in life especially since I can handle the work load to a degree, but will I be happy doing this? Probably not. Though I like helping people, I don’t think med is the best way for me to help people.

There were moments like guilt-tripping and other similar circumstances where they would manipulate me into doing what they want without complaining (my father is a pro at psychology, and he is so rigid that everyone, whether it be his own boss, his friends, or our own relatives, knows that he should not be messed with because he always speaks the truth and can put anyone in their place by using pure logic).

Everything that my father taught me was logically correct, but I was wise enough to know that there are exceptions to the wisdom he passed to me. I did not let his opinion about things completely blind me,

Here is your adult mind, speaking about how hurt you were by your girlfriend:

Yes, I already considered this and it is obvious that she was suffering from the trauma. But now that trauma is also mine. How can I help to heal her when her own actions created my own trauma? How can I help remove the splinter in her eye when I have a log in my own, which she technically put? But despite that, I put aside my own suffering, and tried to help her as much as I could. For the last 3 months, I shut down my own pain and loved her as much as I could, but the severity of the issue was eating me from the inside.

The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something… The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst.

You also realized that you are actually looking for excuses to take her back. This realization came from your adult mind:

I AM THE ONE WHO IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS DONE. I AM HERE RANTING ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SEARCHING FOR AN EXCUSE, A LOGICAL REASON MY MIND CAN ACCEPT, TO FORGIVE HER AND TAKE HER BACK.

In your writings, you are switching constantly between your adult self, who is aware of the severity of the pain she (and your parents) inflicted upon you. But then you quickly switch to your child self, who is seeking excuses and wants to take her back.

When you are in your child self, you are neglecting your own pain (I put aside my own suffering), just like your parents neglected your pain.

So in fact, you are doing to yourself what your parents did to you: disregard your pain, your emotions, your feelings. You tell yourself that you are causing others pain, when in fact they (your parents, your girlfriend) are causing pain to you.

Can you see this mechanism?

Hey Beni,

I’ve just checked the link you sent and I liked the little recital-song… so I’ve written down the words. I haven’t understood 100% of the lyrics, but here it is:

It’s a real skill to be able to look at every problem
as a miracle we’ve been asking for,
guiding us exactly where we need to be,
initiating us,
asking us to evolve and come deeper and deeper
into knowing that we are one with God
We are never alone, we are never at risk

My pathway meets (?) every day
I see so many problems
but my mind’s the only one
that’s got them

If I change how I see my way
All my problems will be gone today
Cause a miracle is hiding in every dark corner
And there’s a divine light that shines the dark away
And if I wish to see that light with my own eyes,
Well the highest in me shows me how (?)

All this dark is just in my mind – illusion
Cause every problem already got a solution
Everything is already okay
Life’s a miracle in every way
There’s a divine light that shines the dark away
I just got to shine bright to see the light…