Hi Alessa,

thank you for your kind words and prayers ❤️ Truth be told, I’m not that resilient, or rather, I’m learning to become more resilient, since the circumstances are forcing me… but I hope things improve soon enough 🙏

I’m happy that the postpartum depression (as well as pre-birth mental health screening) are all behind you now, and that you’ve found a good therapist whom you trust and feel safe with ❤️

Yes, that sounds like a very challenging and scary period, but you did your best, were well prepared, arranged help… and you’ve made it! You’re now on the other side, sailing some calmer waters, and you seem well equipped to deal with any potential challenges. So again, kudos to you, Alessa, for being such a great mom! 🤞❤️

What are your favourite techniques for emotionally regulating? I was curious about your mention of somatic techniques earlier. I’m always keen to try new things.

For me, the most eye-opening was the idea that my chronic back pain (which has thankfully subsided in the last year or so) usually gets worse if I’m fearing it, i.e. if my brain is interpreting it as something dangerous. Because that’s when the muscles contract, leading to even more pain. The more I focus on the pain, fearing it and catastrophizing about the future, the worse off I’m going to be.

There is a youtube video that nicely demonstrates how to deal with pain anxiety, and how observing it with curiosity rather than fearing it and panicking about it – is likely to reduce the symptoms. The video is titled Anxiety Regulation to Reduce Chronic Pain (pt 2 of 2) — Pain Reprocessing with Alan Gordon, LCSW, and it’s on the youtube channel called “This Might Hurt.”

The method is called somatic tracking. Another therapist, Tanner Murtagh, also has a very good youtube channel on somatic tracking. The goal is to feel more safe in the body and not associate pain with danger. Basically, being curious and simply observe the pain, similarly to how one would observe their emotions in mindfulness meditation.

Other somatic tools are simple ones, like belly breathing with a longer exhale, or self-hug, or various grounding techniques.

But to be honest, when I’m sad or upset, the best method for me is to let myself feel it (have a good cry 😊), and in the process even come to certain insights. So emotional release and processing, of course in the safety and privacy of my home…

She tried to get help by the time I was in my tweens. She was taking medication for a while before, but the doctor she had was not helpful and just brushed her off as depressed. She needed a lot more than antidepressants.

Perhaps one good thing about your mother is that she did eventually seek help, even though you’d suffered a lot before that happened. I’m sorry she didn’t get proper treatment at first and that her condition was brushed off as depression, all the while she was abusive to you and your brother 😕

Good that she eventually let you see a psychologist on your own – which means that her grip on you did subside a little, I hope? Like, she could see that what she was doing is not normal, so there was some self-awareness in there, even if it’s just an inkling… and that I guess helped you free yourself from her grip, slowly but surely…

That is a shame your school psychologist didn’t bother with other kids only the troublesome ones. I agree, all children should be supported to the fullest extent. You deserved help and care as much as any other child.

Ah, that was normal in those times. I never considered myself abused. It was emotional abuse “only” – I guess not even adults knew about it in those times, not to mention children. I guess broken bones and a bruised face (and perhaps sudden bad marks) would have been the only warning signs that mattered. But in the absence of that, it wasn’t an issue. Not even I knew there was an issue… (thankfully I know now 🙏)

I feel like teachers are in the best position to pick up on difficulties that children have, since they spend the most time with them. It would be great if they had some trauma informed training to spot signs of difficulties and I agree with you about mental health support. It is such a shame that they are so overworked

Yeah, trauma informed training for teachers, that would be amazing. But I guess the biggest task still lies on the parents and their level of awareness. It’s good that more and more parents have started to learn about conscious parenting and realizing that the child’s emotional needs are important too, not just their physical needs. So that’s something that brings hope for future generations… 🤞 🙏

Thanks so much for your kindness and support, Alessa!

❤️❤️

Hi James,

(I’m replying here, switching from Ann’s to your thread)

What do you think real love or unconditional love is, only loving your family? No. It is caring entire peace of planet as you.

I’ve explained my stance on it in my previous post (on the “I need someone to talk” thread). I’ll repeat it here:

“We can see everyone as our brothers and sisters, our fellow human beings, but we cannot give nurturance (physical and emotional) to everyone on this planet. However, we can do that with those who depend on us and are entrusted to us: our own children.

If every parent would give love and nurturance (including emotional care and support) to their children, this world would be a much better place, because there would be much less traumatized children, and consequently much less traumatized adults.

Caring about one’s family isn’t selfishness. But caring about only one’s own family and looking away when others are suffering, and even harming those who we see as “others” – that certainly is selfishness.”

I definitely doesn’t agree. Every baby come to this world as pure. If you blame to parents that’s wrong, because they came to this world as innocent too. So let blame them parents, but they came to this world innocent too.

We can argue that every child comes into this world innocent, i.e. with the capacity to grow into a loving, healthy and responsible adult. But unfortunately many children don’t receive good parenting, but are exposed to abuse, be it physical, emotional or even sexual.

When a child is exposed to abuse, they cannot develop into a healthy, loving individual, but develop various emotional wounds and deficiencies. Simply put, an abused child develops trauma, which they carry into their adulthood. When a traumatized adult becomes a parent, they unconsciously transfer their trauma to their children – unless they realize it and decide to work on their healing.

An emotionally wounded, traumatized parent will definitely transfer their trauma to their children. And this is how trauma perpetuates from one generation to the next – which is called generational trauma.

Of course, every child is different, some are more sensitive to abuse than others. Some children are tougher and more resilient (or at least it appears so to the outside world), but they will be affected nevertheless.

That’s because abuse and neglect in the early age affects the child for life (because that’s when our personality is formed, as well as our habitual responses to people and circumstances). So the treatment we get in childhood, specially in the first 7 years of life, stays with us for life – until we become aware of it and decide to seek healing.

Therefore, making the world better doesn’t start from family, environment etc… it starts and lies within Truth.

I’ve just explained why a lot of our individual mental health, as well as collective mental health, depends on the upbringing and the environment someone grew up in. Because that’s when our personality (and our emotional wounds) are formed.

And BTW, how do you explain God’s Truth to a newborn baby? Or to a toddler? Certainly not by quoting from the scriptures… You need to show them love – so that they feel it and perceive it in their body, in their nervous system. Words and explanations don’t cut it, but loving actions do. A child can only learn love by being given love.

This forum is called tiny Buddha. But it seems like a place where only daily relations or regular human drama sharing place.

Yes, there’s a lot of human drama, and a part of it that many people are being hurt. And some of them have a hard time dealing with their emotions because of their childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma causes complex PTSD. It changes our personality and our ability to cope with problems. It makes us more sensitive and less resilient. We might feel overwhelmed and helpless.

But one thing that childhood trauma always does is it makes us believe that we’re worthless and not good enough. That we’re not worthy of love. That no one could ever love us. That we’ll never be happy. That sort of things.

Part of our healing is realizing and accepting that we are lovable and worthy. That God is not some judgmental being in the sky, but is also within us. That there’s a divine spark within, that we’ve got gifts and talents, that we’re lovable and worthy. That’s how our personal human trauma can be healed with the help of spirituality: by connecting to the divine within us.

And I think that’s what we’ve been doing a lot on this forum. Combining psychology and spirituality, for the purpose of healing.

I hope you can see and understand that. If this approach isn’t for you, that’s okay. But for many people on this forum, it’s been helpful, and for some, perhaps even life-changing.

Peace and love to you, James.

Dear Anita,

Tee, I’ve been praying every day that your health issues much improve and even better, resolve as much as is possible 🙏. I will be so happy to read good news from you about your health 🤞🌸✨🌈🌿🤗

Thank you so much Anita, I truly appreciate it 🫶 🤍

I am inspired by your resilience and am grateful to you for having supported me in this thread for so long. But I want you to know that I don’t expect you to be here for me forevermore. If it becomes burdensome to you, I would understand, of course, if you withdraw.

You’re very welcome, Anita. I’m so happy that I could support you and help you realize some things, and perhaps reach a measure of peace and acceptance around your mother. And I’m happy to see that you’re doing better, that you’re acknowledging your own worth and accepting that you’re a good, worthy person. 🤞 🤍 🙏

I do have health limitations and I’ve also got some projects that I’d like to tend to, and so I might reduce my participation on your thread (and on the forum in general), i.e. reply less frequently. But I’m interested to read about you, so please do keep sharing, do keep expressing yourself, and I hope to chime in as I can. 🤞 🤍

It’s good to read that you could speak openly to Byron about your judgmental mothers. I hope you can keep talking to her and perhaps even help her (in case she has issues with self-esteem and is still expecting her mother to validate her?)

I am so sorry about that lady, the retired nurse, who is sick with cancer 😢

I said: This has to be scary. She said (no words): I am dying.

Sorry, didn’t understand: so she openly said it: “I am dying”?

If so, I guess the treatment isn’t working and she knows there’s nothing else that she can do? 😢

Yeah, life is sometimes horribly hard…

But I’m happy that you’re feeling young, finally after all these decades. I say, better later than never 🙂

And I say: enjoy your newly found feeling of youth and joy for life, even if your face isn’t young anymore. But your body is still healthy and agile, and your spirits are high. You feel good about yourself and optimistic (if I got that right). And that’s all that matters. That all that one needs for happiness, in my humble opinion..

So please do enjoy it the best you can, move, dance and feel life flowing through your veins… perhaps for you this is a new spring, new awakening, represented by all the wonderful life-affirming emojis that you sent me: 🌸✨🌈🌿

I wish you all the best, Anita. And I’ll be here on your thread, sometimes lurking, sometimes writing… but I’ll be here 🤍 I hope to read more about your victories, as well as your challenges (hopefully more victories than challenges 🤞)

Please take care of yourself and keep dancing! 😊

🙏 🫶 🤍 🫶 🙏

Hi Alessa,

thanks for your concern about my health ❤️ (I cannot copy-paste the blue heart, which you switched to and which I too like, so I stay by the red version 😊 )

It’s not the best, but I cannot afford myself to start catastrophizing, so I’m trying to emotionally regulate myself while also seeking treatment. Hope this newest issue won’t last for too long 🙏

Yes, it’s the authoritative parenting style that is recommended these days. It is what I try to follow.

Oh, I haven’t heard about authoritative parenting style. I’ve just looked it up: it’s a balanced approach, neither strict and harsh (which is called authoritarian), nor permissive. This is a brief description:

Authoritative parents steer a middle path. They are warm and responsive, like permissive parents. They avoid harsh punishment, and allow room for a child to exercise some autonomy. But where permissive parents shrink away from enforcing standards, authoritative parents embrace it. They expect maturity and cooperation (as much as is appropriate for a child’s stage of development), and they guide behavior by reasoning with their kids.

Sounds good, Alessa! Sounds like a good, healthy approach, where the child is given love, empathy and warmth, but is also gently guided to steer away from bad behavior. ❤️ 👍

No doubt I still make mistakes Tee, even when I try not to. I’m lucky in that I have never shouted at my son. It seems like most parents do. The idea makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Sure, we all make mistakes, parents included. I imagine it takes a very strong self-control to never raise a voice with your child. But you’re doing it, you’re really trying your best to make him feel loved and accepted in every moment ❤️

I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you to start having those intrusive thoughts about your son when he would start crying. And it wasn’t your fault, it was your trauma being reactivated. But you did everything in your power to treat your intrusive thoughts earlier, before getting pregnant, and so when they’ve reappeared in a new form, you knew how to stop yourself from acting on them.

That’s remarkable, Alessa! It shows how much effort you’ve invested in your healing, not only for yourself but also for the benefit of your son ❤️

And you were proactive: you started arranging for help while still being pregnant with your son, because you were aware that things might get challenging, and your therapist at the time suggested it. So you really did everything in your power to be a good, prepared mother, and to have a support network if things get too challenging. And I hope you did get help during your postpartum depression?

At the same time, I’m sorry to hear that it wasn’t easy to get free help, and that you had to go through various mental health evaluations while also worrying if they would see you fit to be a mother. It must have been very frightening, Alessa, and I salute you for putting yourself through that.

You did it because you had one major goal: to be the best possible mother to your child. And this is what makes you an AMAZING mother, Alessa. Extremely self-aware, responsible, loving, caring… all of it ❤️❤️

My mother always said that something changed in her after she had children. Perhaps she might have had some kind of postpartum mental health issue that was untreat.

Possibly, because C-PTSD can be triggered by the stress of having a child. And no wonder, since it’s a significant stress for a more mentally healthy person too. So yeah, I can imagine it caused her to go overboard or something. Still, she hasn’t looked for help till much much later, right? And she was blaming you (her children) for some of her bad behavior.

I see that as the biggest problem: when the parent doesn’t want to admit that their reactions are inappropriate, that they aren’t able to emotionally regulate themselves, that they do abusive things when triggered, etc. So this unwillingness to admit there’s something wrong with them, that the stress they’re experiencing is not only coming from the outside, but also from within.

I would argue that for parents who are so abusive, yet they don’t admit it. There is an element of delusion there. How can someone who isn’t even present with reality ask for help?

Yes, there’s definitely delusion. Narcissistic people are famous for self-delusion: they’d never admit there’s something wrong with them. Always blaming others. And when you combine that with some other mental health disorders, I can imagine that the level of abuse can get pretty severe, because they don’t have the capacity (or the willingness) to self-reflect.

Of course, I don’t know what mental health issues your mother was suffering from, so I’m speaking in general. But it seems to me that the person can commit abuse when they either lack the capacity to self-reflect or lack the willingness to self-reflect. I see narcissism as lacking willingness to self-reflect, even though they might have the cognitive capacity for that. But I’m not an expert, so this might not be true. I guess things are more complicated than that…

I would argue that there are plenty of signs of child abuse beyond the obvious broken bones. It really depends on training. In the past, there was not a lot of training.

For example, my doctor should have spotted signs of severe child abuse. But back then they didn’t care about these things.

Migraines, bladder trouble, vomiting, constipation, fainting. These are signs of extreme levels of stress.

Very good point! Certain physical problems in children can indicate abuse, even if no bruises or broken bones are present. I do hope pediatricians are more observant to those symptoms and more educated about it than before!

I disagree with putting all of the responsibility on children to report severe abuse. It is common for parents to the threaten children to not speak out. Unless they trust that someone can or will actually going to do something about it, they keep quiet for their own safety.

Absolutely! It shouldn’t be on children to report abuse, because as you say, children are often intimidated and threatened. It should be the responsibility of teachers, coaches, pediatricians… to notice that something is amiss.

When I was a child, there was only one psychologist in our school (a school with more thousand children), and she was only dealing with children who caused trouble, with “bad” kids. Everybody was afraid of her, so I guess she wasn’t the best psychologist but was probably strict and threatening. I hope that nowadays, quality school counseling is more available, both for elementary and secondary school children.

You could argue that being withdrawn and shy itself needs investigating because it could be a mental health issue. These things require treatment, no matter the cause of you ask me.

Yes, it would be nice if every child would get individual attention, not only the trouble makers. That every child feels seen and not judged… Yeah, much more would need to be invested in mental health, but perhaps what would be important is to invest in the teachers’ mental health (and their education about mental health), so they can be a good role-model – something that many kids don’t have at home…

❤️❤️

Dear Anita,

You asked me about my health, and thank you for your care 🤍 Well, it’s not the best, but it’s not awful either. There are new issues that I hope to deal with in due time… my feelings are a roller-coaster, but I manage to self-regulate eventually and come to a place of peace and acceptance.. in short, it’s not easy, but it’s manageable 🙏

Okay.. you WERE there!!! I was not alone, or better say, I am not alone.

haha 🙂 not exactly, because I haven’t achieved success in life, at least not material success, so she didn’t say those things to me. But I saw it in various youtube videos, the experts on narcissism were good at portraying how a covert narcissistic parent would react to their child’s success.

If I could go back in time, I would choose her aborting me simply because it’d be way, way less painful to be aborted and it wouldn’t take long. So, I am not grateful to her in this regard.

When I thanked her in the earlier message for the food, clothes, etc., I thanked her for these things in isolation, as in (the unreal) context of not having been guilt- tripped about it.

Right, I totally understand that you didn’t thank her in general, for giving you life, but in isolation, for those material things she gave you. But they were always contaminated by guilt-tripping, and it’s hard to be grateful for a poison-laced cake…

As for being grateful for being born, there are spiritual teachings that claim that we (our soul) actually choose our parents. Because we need to learn certain lessons. I’m not opposed to this theory, because for me it’s easier to think that in the big scheme of things, I’m not a victim, even if I’ve experienced abuse. Of course, it doesn’t exculpate our parents from bad parenting, but it helps me see everything that’s happening as somehow necessary for my soul’s growth.

But I also understand that some forms of abuse are just too much, and I have a hard time accepting that it would be necessary for anyone’s growth. So yeah, it’s a mystery to me, but I find it easier to believe that I’m not a victim because it helps me not to get stuck in the victim mentality and actually do something to help myself…

Had a long conversation with a 30+ year old Byron about judgmental, rejecting mothers. (her experience, so many of us)

That’s great that you can have an honest conversation with someone at the taproom! I guess it feels good to feel understood and validated…

Was at the taproom this TUES night, saw the taproom owner. I think he perceived my anger last Tues night, about him never visiting. Nothing was said tonight.

Okay, so you’re not on speaking terms at the moment? Or just the perfunctory greeting, but nothing more than that?

Rode from the Taproom to home through the (former) Winery.. glanced just once to my right.. the (gone) Winery. Seems like it means to me EMOTIONALLY more than it meant to anyone.

My HEART is still there, Tee. I want to be there NOW.

I want to dance there NOW.

Yes, you did say that the winery felt like home to you. Working there gave you fulfillment and meaning, I guess it met some of your core emotional needs? You said wine helped you talk (and dance)- so as you socialized with people in the winery, over a glass of wine, you felt free to express yourself and less afraid of their judgment – something you never had with your mother?

even if you were stating the obvious, the way you state things is uniquely clear and original. This reminds me of your very first post on tiny buddha were you explained Attachment:

haha, thank you, Anita! 🙂 Actually, for the longest time, I had a problem understanding the Buddhist concept of non-attachment, because I know there is also healthy attachment, which is a healthy bond between a parent and a child, or a healthy bond between partners in a romantic relationship.

I think attachment is the cause of suffering if it is unhealthy – if it means clinging to something that cannot be, or to ego-driven goals. But it’s not unhealthy to be in a loving relationship, which is actually based on a healthy (i.e. secure) attachment. So I think attachment is not always unhealthy, but clinging and grasping is.

🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏

Dear Anita,

I’m thrilled to hear that your depression has lifted and that even though you heard some disturbing news yesterday, you’re still feeling okay and keeping yourself occupied with cleaning the house and studying Tao 😊

And it’s nice that you were given the wooden sign with the Winery’s name on it. This, I hope, will be a nice memento of those 4 beautiful years…

Later on, after the cleaning+, I want to be involved in some volunteer work.. maybe helping older people who are facing the end of life.. Like in a nursery home.

I’m thinking of volunteering in an old people’s home, old being late 70s, 80s, 90s- to uplift them before they die.

Sounds great, and a very noble idea! 🤍 You can still be helping and volunteering, only in a different capacity. As you said, there are plenty of people who need help, plenty of causes that you can put your heart into.

I’m really happy you feel like you’ve found your true self and gained self-esteem and a positive self-image during these past 4 years. And also that you’ll never allow yourself to be a non-entity in your own life. Remember, your needs matter, your voice and opinion matter. You are equally worthy as anyone else! 🫶 🤍

I have photos and videos I took over time.

Perhaps you can develop a few of the best photos and put it in an album or hang it on the wall? To have that as another memento?

I’m happy you’re feeling better, Anita, that the pain is subsiding and the path forward is becoming more visible. I am rooting for you from the bottom of my heart!

🙏 🫶 🤍 🙏

Dear Anita,

It’s so good to read what you’ve recently concluded about yourself (what you’ve shared on Peter’s thread):

As I came to understand only 10 minutes ago, in my own thread, Flow is possible for me only if I think highly of myself- not in a grandiose, Narcissistic way, of course- but me approving of myself as a good, helpful, hard-working person. Only then I can step off the raft and feel heaven (“I am okay after all! I am worthy, I am good!”) under my feet.

Yes!! Self-love, self-acceptance, and self-validation! Believing that you’re a good, kind, helpful person, a person with virtues, and that you are worthy! That’s the core of healthy self-esteem. And it’s not narcissistic, because narcissistic people believe they are better than others, whereas healthy self-esteem is believing that we are all equally worthy. Each of us is unique, but we are all equally worthy.

This here is a profound realization:

I think that the thing I loved most about it is who I found myself to be: social, empathetic, helpful, hard-working. very heard-working (SO THHERE, Mother.. anger there). I had so much excellent socialization. honest, felt so good.

It’s the me (myself) that I experienced in a new way- someone even I liked, someone.. I looked up to at times! Ahh! A unique experience!!!

Yess! You loved who you were while in that environment: hard-working, helpful, sociable, kind person, sincerely appreciated by others.

And indeed, you found yourself, even as the place where it happened is sadly lost:

The Winery is lost forever (It still hits me hard, tears in my eyes!!!)

But I am not lost, who I found myself to be- is not lost.

And that’s the most important: you found your true, authentic self, which is like winning the grand prize! 😊 Even as you’re grieving the loss of these past 4 years of your life, which have been amazing, you’re also realizing that you’ve won something lasting, something eternal, something that can never be lost: your true self 🌟

The feeling inside me that I am a good person, like people have said about me: “She’s the hardest working person I’ve ever seen”, and: “Anita, oh, she’s wonderful, she helps everyone.. she never stops, she just keeps going ang going..”

That loss hurts the most.. like my newly-found self-worth is tied to the Winery, and as it’s gone, no longer there.. So is my newly found self-worth.

I hope your newly-found self-worth goes beyond the Winery, because you can be a hard-working, helpful, empathetic person everywhere you go. You can give from your heart everywhere you go.

You’re already being a helpful, empathetic, caring person here on Tiny Buddha as well, so this is natural for you. And I’m sure there will be other opportunities to be your true self: in fact, every day is an opportunity for that 🤍 🌟

.. And, Tee, back to our conversation about mothers.. HOW DARE she all THOSE YEARS, all those decades- push on the message that I was Bad and Lazy when it was NEVER TRUE.

Yes, she was telling you lies about yourself and conditioned you to accept those lies. But you’ve started realizing and accepted that none of that was true. You’ve gone through a process of re-evaluation of everything she’s told you, and you’ve discovered your true self: hard-working, loving, caring, selfless… someone to look up to (It’s the me (myself) that I experienced in a new way- someone even I liked, someone.. I looked up to at times!)

And I hope you’ll keep re-affirming that newly found self from this day onward! 🤍 🙏

Dear Anita, I’ll write some more tomorrow. Till then, take care and be gentle with yourself!

🙏 🤍 🫶 🙏