Dear Anita,

My third I potentially, I just asked myself, would I have been in the closet, anxious, if I had an authentic and open third eye chakra, in the first place?

I remember mentioning before here, that at times I felt like N would cause me pain, then also console me for it… confusing.

But there were times I felt genuinely happy with him, I think about our day trip in Las Vegas the day after new years last year, he grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of a huge beautiful walkway, i was so happy in that moment, I have it on video actually and ran across it the other day and watched it. Perhaps a bad decision, but it did happen why hide from it.

“what does my heart want deep inside and what can I do to give it what it truly wants today and every day?”

That is my current question, what does my heart truly want. I do know that R, is fulfilling some of my hearts needs right now which is so nice to have.

to send him positive thoughts and a positive sentiment over a distance, not to deliver these to him directly, or in-person.”

I wonder how this will bring me some peace.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

This is a journal entry on another topic that has been on my mind the past 24 hours, and I would love your advice and thoughts.

(1)I have always loved the idea of having a ‘girl group’ of friends, multiple perspectives and multiple people to be there for you. When I watch of Sex in the City (the movie/show) I want what they have. Even in the tv show Friends, the group of friends, even just the three girls having eachother. Despite having this desire I have found myself, over the years since highschool, found myself avoiding mixing certain friends… I had this friend, G, she was my first real friend, she lived down the street and her parents were often not home so she would spend the summers with me and my family. We went to different schools for a while, but once I joined her public school, instead of helping me make friends, it was more like some competition to show me all the friends she made… From this point on, I made other friends on my own, because I couldn’t rely on her ‘in school.’ I made good friends, all temporarily though in classes, but then I met a girl T, who I really liked and got along with, we would spend lunches together freshman year. T told me one time she felt weird because G had reached out to her to hangout… I thought this was weird too, G didn’t even know T but through me. I didn’t like this but it was ignored because T didn’t desire to respond. G was fun to be with outside of school and without other girls OR boys around. (literally told the boy I liked in middle school that I liked him! and that she did too!) But then she apologized, that was in 8th grade and it wasn’t until sophomore year (10th grade) I was able to go hangout with her again, with walls up.

(2)Since then G has been in bad relationships where guys cheat on her and she stays, they are mean to her and she cries to me, then I try to tell her to leave and she stays with them. Last year I had to tell G that I could no longer answer her long calls to vent about these men that she would only go back to, in fact days before breaking up with N when you told me that you could no longer hear about his gaslighting, I was reminded of this. Anyways I don’t want this bad relationship to affect how I approach other friends, with walls up.

(3)Then there is P, we connected sophomore year and have been the best friendship I have had since then. She is always a phone call away, and she was a big reason I chose to move to AZ, where she moved a couple years ago. Although since I have lived here this past year, she has been consumed with this relationship, that from the outside seemed obviously toxic to me, but love is blind. Her eyes were recently opened, she fell out of love but is paying a lease with him until october. In the mean time being around him and draining her in every way. The three options you shared with me yesterday “you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.” P is confined to option 1, until she can move out. Just yesterday she came over to go on a walk with me, I asked her how she was, and she just burst into tears. Saying she feels stupid for moving in with this man, she knew it was wrong and just ignored her intuition, she said he brings out the worst in her, now they are just roommates who argue.

(4) The difference between G and P, is that G continues to return to the men. I can tell P knows what she deserves and it is no longer this situation. G, for example, would cry one minute, then the next be like “oh wait I think we can actually make it work.” Whereas P, is very set on it never working, I trust she would not go back. This redeeming quality in P, plus how mentally healthy I have seen her in the past, is why I stick by P, through a hard time right now. However I do find I am protective of my energy around her… I want to be there for her, but not let it bring me down, which I think she is good at not over-staying her welcome, a Quality G did not have. I feel like to have lasting friends you need to be there for them through the hard parts, and you just need to decide which friends you believe are growing and who would keep you stagnant. P has brought me up before, now it is my turn to be there for her.

(5)I am so beyond thankful for my roommate, R (I have called her M in the past but I don’t want to use the same letter I use for my mom, so I will change hers to R for Roommate). She was the one who told me, before breaking up with N, that she would be there for me, she said “let’s do it, I can be here for you” she brought me ice cream the night of the breakup, leaving her current date early. Since then I have spent alot of time with R, days I would usually have spent with N. When R works I get some needed alone time as well. The other night when we went out, I shared with her my desire to go visit Louisiana, potentially my next home! I love everything that I have read, and I do not love AZ, I have been asking my higher self, where next? for a long time but am patient for the answer. Then a few days ago I sat in silence and felt the desire to look at a map, I want to live by a large body of water, the coast perhaps, as I looked along the coast, ruling out certain states I found myself at New Orleans, a place I have been wanting to visit for a while. I looked up the culture and so far am so intrigued. The night we went out I told her about it, she got excited for me and said she could see me there. She said she would love to go visit with me! save up together and go explore, this morning we talked more about budgeting and planning the trip.

(6)So here is my dilemma. I have invited P and R to hangout the three of us twice, both times I sort of felt it was overtaken by P. I think it is because in her living situation now, she doesn’t get to express herself, so it comes out in bursts when she is out and it is hard for others to get a word in. Personally I have found my time with R more enjoyable, and feeding to me. But yesterday when P came over, she made a comment, seeing a picture of me and R’s night out, she said “I would have come out with you guys! I have been home just sad.” I didn’t really respond, but I was thinking, ‘I am happy it was just me and R.’ As I spent the evening with P last night, I kept thinking ‘should I mention the New Orleans trip?’ I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure what I would say if she asked to come. I sort of just want to go with just R. But, to come full circle to the beginning of this post, I have always wanted a ‘girl group,’ yet here I am denying it? Intuition or fear?! here we are again. Is it ever fear? I have been this way for so long, ever since keeping G away from T, freshman year of highschool (who I mention at the beginning of this post). I wonder if I am pushing away my opportunities for a girl group, or if being with one person at a time is best for me.

(7) The interesting thing is, R came home this morning, right between paragraphs 4-5 (i will number them now so it is clearer). I asked her about her night at a birthday party last night, then we got to talking about our New Orleans trip, when it would be the best time and how long we would need to save. Then she brought up “and you know I was thinking about if we should invite other girls, but I think it should just be us since we have similar goals going and mixing up what everyone wants to do might take away from our both wanting to just explore.” I found this so interesting because I was just here journaling about that question and she brought it up without me even saying anything about that. The same things were on her mind as mine.

Anyways, I appreciate this space to journal and if you do have some insights as to my friendship patterns, or anything, I’d love to hear.

Happy Sunday! (smiling sunshine emoji)

Seaturtle

Anita,

“– imagine choosing your own Aware- Seaturtle’s standards of what a good partner means is in your life vs relative standards, (relative to your father, in this case). A highly vibrating crown chakra will not be confined to one’s childhood/ past standards.”

I am reading one paragraph at a time and responding, like usual, and find it cool that I am reading this after, above, asking you about “standards.” I like this alot, and is what I want, to have my own standards, and not be confined by my childhood experiences.

“- imagine a carefree childhood where the child does not worry about what her parent is thinking and feeling.”

Sounds lovely and foreign.

“His heart chakra’s vibrations are low. Not his fault. Thing is, no point in hitting a rock with a stick trying to get water out of it (not after a long-enough period of time of hitting it and then understanding what happened/ is happening).”

I went out with my roommate last night, actually we spent the whole day together, went to the library where I sat and replied to your messages yesterday. We then did a little shopping, then went grocery shopping for dinner and she wanted to dye her hair! I actually have cut my other friends hair and when my roommate asked me I did a good job again, then she asked if I would dye it and I am so proud of how it turned out! only semi permanent, but it looks so good and we had so much fun, we made little cocktails then after getting ready went to a fun bar and ordered espresso martinis and planned a future vacation together haha. Anyways I bring this up because I am a bit hungover, and it makes me a little loopy, so I wonder if it is because of that but, all this to say, I don’t quite understand the bolded quote above, could you explain it more? I am also curious as to why his heart chakra vibrations are lower than mine and why it is unchangeable?

 “One lesson: when you spot a possibility of a manipulative technique in-progress, expose it to the possible manipulator. If she/ he expresses any introspection and considers your input, then that’s good. If  he/ she continues with the same manipulative technique but with a twist (like M did in this example, making you feel bad about her feeling bad… over making you feel bad) or changes to another manipulative technique (like F does when he changes a topic, or when he lies), then you know who and what you are dealing with.”

I am excited to know this! I fear being manipulated again, so I am glad my third eye muscle is strengthening so that I won’t be. I wonder how the manipulator feels, when they are scrambling for their next manipulation tactic.. why they do this rather than just be authentic?

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.”

Well then my *intuition is that I will know when it is the right time 🙂

“I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation”

Both of my parents were CCP’s, not sure who was worse but probably pretty equal. Then I upgraded to living with only F, saw my mom’s errors, removed her from the pedestal. Then I had only one CCP, compared to two. Then I upgraded to N, a CCP, but lesser of one than F. So I am swimming in the right direction. Hopefully all this “emotional predation” is making me stronger and not wearing me down.., what do you think?

You quoted: Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

As I was first reading this, “they…make emotional displays to influence…charm, disarm… others,” I thought of myself. I feel I behaved this way with F at times. When he would come to me with an issue he believed I had, it was often those moments that I conveniently decided to share something that would make him sympathize with me… For example, there were two pretty awful things my mom did, one being the last time she cheat on him and another time she did something harmful to me. Both times I revealed them to my dad they were in moments of him coming at me with something, the first time I had gotten in a car accident and tried to hide it (at 16) in order to protect my friend, who hit it. And also to protect my location, I was at a different place at the time than I said I was. When my dad confronted me about lying, we had a long conversation and as we were resolving it… actually pause on my theory here, because it was as my dad and I were having a moment of resolve and I felt closer to him that, that I felt obligated to tell him about my mom. I was going to say I used telling him to relinquish attention on what I had done… but now that I am writing it I think it was more that our resolve, apology and his forgiveness made me feel I owed him emotional honesty. Interesting. See when I first read your response (the one I bolded and quoted) I thought maybe I had been like that before, emotional displays to disarm… and I wasn’t “claim[ing] to be the victim…of the person [I was] in fact victimizing;”

My confusion on emotional sincerity is literally making me question my own emotions, I do not want to be like my parents. The example my mom set for me was that when my dad was upset with her (for money or cheating) she would always cry, I think to disarm him. I wonder if this contributes to why confrontation with my dad was so hard when I lived there, I literally had to preface my confrontation to him with, “I will probably cry right now but they aren’t tears of sadness they just happen.” I wonder if my mom “insincerely” crying when my dad would confront her about real issues…. has something to with why I would have involuntary tears come to my face quite often when trying to have a confrontational talk with my dad. Less now, it has actually been years since I have had a real confrontation with him so I am not sure if this is still a bodily instinct.

This theory evolved as I wrote it, interesting what I came up with though and I am curious what you think…

I have another thought, you wrote “your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers.” I wonder if my original instinct to wonder if I was in the wrong, when reading your quote from emotional predators .com, above, was this fear still lingering..? It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right? You know when you read information that is so one sided, and you wonder, well I wonder the other side of the story… I wonder this, the more one sided I present the relationship, as in he did the most wrong, then what is the other side of the story as to make it more reliable information… the self doubt here…

” They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests…”

Wow when I read this, it has N written all over it. This drove my crazy, I would ask the most direct and simple a question could be and he would act like I was speaking another language, it was infuriating actually.

“Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators”

I need this book.

“he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.”

Exactly.

“His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.”

I questioned his sincerity/ authenticity once, towards the end, and he was really offended. Another example of an emotional predator.

“You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.”

Interesting here, because as I read this I noticed, there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe this… Because he said it! He made me feel that if I did those things he would be more available, emotionally. He said specifc things like this, I can’t remember exact words but just little comments that he would respect me more, have more to give me emotionally, if I brought home alot of money. It would even temporarily inspired me into thinking that is what I wanted, and feasible to me, but then in reality it was not what I really cared about.

“– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.”

I like this!

“We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.”

We do! I welcome constructive criticism, I want to see myself! I think a huge drive for me to be this way was constantly being told I was something (by F) that did not resonate with me. He showed me what I wasn’t and I didn’t like it and needed to prove to myself that wasn’t who I was, and to do so I had to learn to see me! I think this was my main drive to go to therapy, for another perspective on me and my relationship with F. I would ask her, please tell me if I am in the wrong her I want to see this correctly.

“N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.” 

Wow. you are so right he was not interested in being seen, and I wanted to see him so badly, I thought If I tried hard enough I could…. wow.

“problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty”

This is so tricky because he would say mental strength advice, and it felt useful to me, so I would then believe he is a good partner because he is providing me with things that are making me better. But then his mental strength being rooted in interpersonal dishonesty appeared in other ways, I didn’t see him as lacking mental strength, he lacked honesty which is like a liar giving you nutrition facts… the nutrition facts might be true, so in a nutritional conversation they appear very smart and honest, then they lie in other areas of life so it is harder to make the connection to their dishonesty, because they were honest sometimes. 

“- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.”

It is certainly concerning (the substances he used and probably still uses). I gain empathy for it when I think about how his dad is an avid cannabis enthusiast/smoker, like literally always has a joint in his pocket hiding it from his wife, who pretends she doesn’t see it… a lifetime I certainly don’t want/afraid of when I saw his parents. I gain empathy for N when I think of his fathers example, offering N to smoke with him when he was only 14. so sad. Then also when he hired N, in 2020 after his football career ended, he hired him with an insulting wage and insane hours, when I met N he went to work at 10pm (he was in fiber optic installations, so it makes sense it was late, but it is the hours that were concerning.) he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck, all of this promoting substance use, like energy drinks and nicotine like his coworkers. Him putting himself through that was concerning to me, but I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him.

“– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well.”

Are you saying to not wish him well? I think you are saying to wish him well but I just thought to ask haha.

 “Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.”

I agree.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!

“These risk factors appear to decrease the average age for developing a mental illness and are attributed to an increased incidence of mental illness and increase the risk for development of a cannabis use disorder. Cannabis use is also associated with exacerbation of and possibly development of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders”

This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual. This is why I initially stopped, I stopped before moving out, although still tempted every once in a while. But I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety. In your more recent post you mention ” I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open..” As I also mentioned in my most recent reply I was taking care of many parts of myself in that time, by reading those books and going to the gym and taking long days in the gym to go to the spa facilities as well, I found lots of peace in the steam room (Seaturtle likes the humidity hah). So although I was smoking something destructive I was also doing things during the say to open my third eye, I believe that once I opened it, I could no longer unsee what it showed me. It is true what you say  “I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open.” What happened after I saw certain things, that I should move out, that N’s home was not good for me and nor was he for some reason. I stopped enjoying the effects of cannabis because it would only make me see what I saw when my third eye was open, see that I wasn’t in the right place, and it no longer brought me peace. More interesting is I smoked after that occasionally, knowing it would only make me anxious, but I kept thinking “maybe this time It will allow me to relax as it had before.” But no, something changed in me and I constantly wondered “why can’t I enjoy weed anymore? I used to enjoy it, it made me creative, and I felt relaxed, why suddenly do I not enjoy it?” I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself, and thanks to my third eye I ended the cycle. I still crave it at times, but it doesn’t relax me still today, I have with my roommate two or three times since living here and each time only enjoyed it partially, more than I did towards the end with N, but still not as much as I used to. I have to admit I do wish/hope in the future I will be able to enjoy it occasionally again, but very occasionally as I did before meeting N. Before him it was not often, it was a few times a year. Well other than it was consistent when my mom shared her thc vape with me when I was 18. a strange time I have not thought back on very much.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career. He played from 7 years old until he was 22. He played in high school, his position (i looked up once) is the most common to get hit in the back of the head. This was an issue in our relationship I had to hide my disapproval of the sport, honestly I find it stupid, the amount of injuries that the news hides, the girlfriends and wives that have tried to share their stores of a disease called CT, “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is a brain condition thought to be linked to repeated head injuries and blows to the head.” (found on NHS.uk, first google search result). N told me about his fear of getting this disease, it was a joke amongst him and his football friends.., this bothered me, they would joke about losing their memories and going crazy.. it scared me. I did alot of research on the disorder one time and it scared me, it is early onset dementia and that is the most mild symptom ,wives of players said their husbands would show up at random places and not know how they got there, these men only being in their 40s, the youngest being only 17. After playing in highschool, N also played 4 years in college then another year he played for the national team, the Broncos. In this time he said he would have sleep paralysis, wake up and not be able to move. He often attributed alot of his mental strength to football, they taught him to get over his pain, this is where he gets his whole “words don’t matter” mantra. He would claim that nothing anyone said could affect him as much as he has gone through physically. I think this was his mindset anyways, it was hard to understand completely when he would talk about these things cause they were so far from my beliefs. But part of me admired his mental strength, He was able to endure lots of pain, something that perhaps I am too sensitive with so I thought he could balance me in this way. For example if it was too hot outside where we moved to lol, he taught me to not be anxious, to accept it, that the anxiety would make me hotter. He taught me to relax in pain, and in alot of ways I think I needed to hear what he said. On the dreams, he would tell me he would have very vivid dreams every night and it didn’t give him a restful sleep, so he would smoke to avoid dreams.

“What do you currently think about to N’s negatives when it comes to his regular daily, regular smoking weed (and vaping nicotine)?”

1-Although N does not take direct responsibility, when he smoked he would sort of get there. He did actually apologize for his behavior a couple times when he was high. Or we would be having an argument, he would smoke then come to my side on the argument… this was so destructive because it was these moments that made me feel he could self actualize, and I needed very little hope to allow the relationship to go on.

2-I also think it was negative that he smoked to avoid feelings/dreams. It allows you to ignore what your body and mind are telling you, and just promoted his teflon.

3-It also leads to eating badly, it makes you crave fast foods, and not only fast foods, but instant pleasures, like sex.

4-It was so dangerous when I started to want him to smoke.. for 1 and 3. He was more passionate when he smoked. He was more adhd sober, an aspect of him I didn’t even know until our second year of dating because he used weed to medicate it. his adhd stressed me out, he would move so quickly, talk faster, just give me anxiety. I wanted him to slow down in conversation and in sex and the weed did this. Since I wanted him to smoke sometimes, I didn’t ask him to stop, I didn’t tell him to. Since I wanted it sometimes I didn’t feel like I could ask him to stop smoking, cause I felt hypocritical, I felt in a bind of having to just accept it as part of him.

on vaping nicotine,

1- I worried for his health. physically, his lungs and I could see it in his eyes and I could almost taste the nicotine in his skin…

2- I worried for his mental health. I could tell he was ashamed of it, he felt badly about himself when he smoked it, so promoting his self disapproval making him then act out of his own self hate manifesting itself as rudeness towards me. After being noticeably mean once I literally told him if he is mean to himself he will inevitably be mean to me. Hurt people hurt people. This was a new concept to him and what, i think, led him to say he would take care of himself more, for us, at the last dinner we had.

3- combination of mental and physical health, I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit alot of these things in order for me not to know, he told me this, and I beleiev it because I remember him starting to look younger that year, from the first time I met him to the end of the first year he literally looked 10 years younger, partially cause of his 24 hr shifts at his dads company…. but also those substances.

“I am wondering, remembering his talk about a future where he would stay home and you will be out working, bringing in the money, those were his serious thoughts/ a plan for the relationship..? And in materializing this plan, he’d stay home smoking weed all day..?”

I think so. I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well even if one of them hit their head cause he was smoking, something like this. Since he hid smoking from me in the first place there is no way he would admit to smoking and losing track of a child. Maybe children would change him, I thought… but that is an awful big risk to take.

Seaturtle

I will read your next post tomorrow I think, as right now I feel calm enough to wind down and hopefully not dream of him.

Goodnight Anita

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.”

It does trigger this. It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen. Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen, even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often. Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!

“Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.”

It is interesting you bring this up because, just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to descern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle.

“- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.”

As I read this, at first I thought it was a good idea, then I was suprised by my next thought “Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,” Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year, trying to find a new job that didn’t drain me. It took me a while, in the mean time I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of. I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy on monday and tuesday, but I am available in the evening. Plus, that sickness I had back in early December is still lingering, I thought I was better for about 5 days, then I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted. Yes I still want to continue to read because I needed to come here to journal tonight.

– no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).” 

Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm.

” her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.”

I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is. She is more like my brother, but less extreme, it would not shock me if she did the same thing as my brother. She even told me she wanted to (eye roll) but said very directly that would cause me harm. She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral.

“to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.”

I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it. I do often feel this loneliness in the midst of groups of people, less and less as I get older but I used to ache at this feeling and want to be like everyone else but as I have been learning, I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe.

“– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.”

How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.

“- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man clearly…”

Then imagine her asking the man why his eye isn’t open, and he replies, annoyed, “you didn’t enjoy our time together I thought it was so nice?” And she replies “no it was nice… I just didn’t feel connected” and he says nothing. This is a true story.

“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.”

Oh wow this is a good point.

I will read and reply to your next post in a separate box

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you. ..  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating”

It is occurring to me now that him wanting me to feel pain is not unfamiliar. In the sense of the example of the c-word incident, he was trying to get me to feel pain. When he asked me if I had money to help him buy a trailer, hours after he saw my bank account and that I was struggling financially, he wanted me to feel that pain. All those times he later said “oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,” all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain, because what other reason could he have for all those things? I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him. I told him everything I did or didn’t up front, intentionally avoiding passive aggression in our relationship, something I so wanted to avoid after seeing it in so many relationships around me. I will let this question sit in my mind right now “did I ever intentionally cause him pain?” But for now will proceed with the fact I do not believe it did this intentionally, certainly never maliciously as he did that night with the C-word, or the money with the trailer. My point is though that me harming him was unfamiliar to him, and my ending the relationship was really the first time I knew I was hurting him and continued. I wonder how this affected him, he was very likely surprised at what I was doing cause our entire relationship I have demonstrated who I am which is someone who cares very deeply about my feelings and those around me, going out of my way to avoid both. You know, we were on the topic of hurting each other once, like speaking as to why cheating would never be involved in our relationship, and breaking up wasn’t mentioned but it was insinuated, when he said “you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.” I remember thinking in that moment that I felt like he was pretty much saying underneath ‘you would never break up with me because it would hurt me.’ This comment and he made another one more recently where he said something along the lines of it being ‘we can figure anything out, like we’ve been together two years we aren’t giving up now.’ it wasn’t those exact words but it was very close and that is what I heard anyways. Anyways, me doing something that we both knew hurt him in some way, was a surprise to us both, more so him. He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right? The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination? He can never hurt me with his little blockings and such, nearly as much as I already got used to inside of the relationship, whereas I actually have more power in the hurting department because it is unfamiliar coming from me to him. I say I have more pain inflicting power but at the same time I am not sure completely how, not sure what I could say that would cause him pain, or perhaps I am wrong… as he is a teflon. Then the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup, for some reason I want this to be true.

“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.”

Answering my question above, this statement says alot of the whole relationship. “each wants the other to feel pain…but he cause[d] you pain, you didn’t...”

“from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra,”

This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me.. I said this more than once to him but the time I remember was right after the cash incident on Thanksgiving, after we were finished with a yoga class (a vibrational lifter) and on a happy holiday (a potential vibrational lifter) and then in the store he comes to investigate me and come at me with his cash questions and accusations. Then walking back to my car I remember why I have the cash and tell him “I remember but you do not need to know you can trust me.” He still had an attitude to that, treating me as though I was suspicious and untrustworthy. We got into the car and I realized all the things around us, the yoga, the holiday, all things raising my vibrations while he was down in the depths and I said “You just have such bad vibes sometimes” I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me.’

“he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!”

True. However he did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety, and never came across high, there were times I didn’t even know. Infact it was not until I lived with him that I saw how much, that almost every date he hit at least something before coming out. I felt betrayed when I first realized how he was constantly high, cause he didn’t seem it at all, his body is so used to it that he is very normal on it, infact I did not recognize him sober… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief. I have a lot of patience but his sober self caused me to run out sometimes, I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me. He claimed it prevented him from having dreams, later I understood that meant “thoughts and feelings.” more teflon. So anyways, when he said he would take better care of himself I was very on board with that and though that meant he would begin to be introspective, finally! but then I brought up the cash and c-word incident and he still couldn’t apologize, so then no he couldn’t be introspective? I do recall him saying he would take better care of himself so that he could be better in the relationship, but I don’t think this changes anything. This is what I meant when I said he would give crumbs that he could grown and learn.

“You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.”

Feels true.

“- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).”

I think you are right, it can be a reason. But the reason it won’t is because I can’t trust, that even if I fly back and he promises all the change in the world and maybe even seems like he can see me, I don’t trust that it wouldn’t go right back to the way it was after a matter of time. I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change, this is hard to admit because I feel stupid that I think that because all the evidence says he can’t. But as you said I did in the relationship, “You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you” I am still this way. I have this imagination, this darn imagination that is wonderful but also let’s me see things that will never happen, and I can almost feel them too. I do not feed into it, because it feels stupid and unhelpful but I have to admit a very very small little sapling of an imagination that he could self actualize. There is so much evidence to the contrary that I don’t allow myself to put energy to that imagination, because it is as likely as my other imaginations, of flying! it is there but it also doesn’t bring me peace to feed into, it brings me bad feelings. I like to imagine things that bring me joy, so there is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again.

“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..”

I am fairly certain I am the only one he told because the story was very humiliating and incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable for him to share. He brought it up one morning when we were in bed because I could see his mind trail off and I asked him what was on his mind. He said for some reason this memory had been in his head and he’s avoided telling me but felt telling me was the only way to stop it from coming to him, he said he felt like he was suppose to tell me. Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship. Also after he told me he had emotions I could see and feel were very real, I could tell he was angry and wanted to run away in that moment and felt disgusted. I asked him what he was feeling and that is what he said, he said “honestly I want to run away.” which also aligns with his inability to sit and be vulnerable or deep for long periods of time, I often felt the energy from him that he wanted to leave the space immediately after a certain point. But you are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here, and if he wasn’t then I am a complete fool and don’t have the perceptive skills I thought I did.

” “why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…? “

He didn’t want to. I feel like there were moments where I inspired him to try, for example with learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within to the other parts of yourself that need attention. This was when we were at that cabin for his friends wedding, when I panicked about my outfit and he comforted me…we felt so close during that trip… (a good memory that contributes to the guilt that I ended it harshly) the last morning we were there was the perfect environment for a potential deep conversation. Like I said before they were few in our relationship but the moments he was more likely to open up a little bit, I could feel it. Being out in the middle of nowhere helped him open up a little, we sat on the doc and talked about our inner child. I related it to football and how his coaches pretty much told him to cage his, I told him about letting them out of the cage and he was responding with “ah” that he hadn’t heard it before and it didn’t sound wrong. But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation.

“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?”

This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!

Seaturtle