Dear Anita,

“Exposing weakness (the soft belly) satisfies aggressors, or potential aggressors.”

When I read it like this, I am reminded that I felt this way with both of my parents. I didn’t need to do it as much with my mom, she would nearly put me belly up so that she could rub my belly, because that made her fell something, perhaps like a good mother. My father though, was more the situation where I would expose weakness to satisfy an aggressor. With N I don’t recall doing this much, I actually held my ground very often if he would get “aggressive.” If he got verbally aggressive, like the C-word incident, I ask him to stop, and if he doesn’t I just go quiet..but I don’t think this is belly up, I felt I was holding my ground. Contrary to my dad who I would belly up or else he wouldn’t stop.

“I see life as the ocean, and each individual life (a plant, an animal, a human) as a single wave rising from the ocean (being born) and then falling back into the ocean (dies).”

I appreciate this visual.

“- you quench her cognitive/ emotional thirst, she quenches yours.”

Her and I were talking the other night, agreeing neither of us had experienced as interesting of conversation with a male partner before. We wondered if our good “thirst quenching” conversation, was only to be had between women, I doubt this, but I don’t have much evidence to say that is false.

” I think that spiders cannot think of simultaneous scenarios when it comes to emotions.”

As in they cannot experience two emotions at once? Or they cannot link scenarios and emotions..

“– I purposefully do not watch TV fiction shows nor do I read fiction stories and books because all it does to me is to create fog in my view of REAL LIFE, and my pleasure is in seeing reality as it is, not as what is fed to me by fiction writers and performers.”

What do you do instead to entertain yourself, with REAL LIFE? I suppose come to this forum! Do you ever go see plays? I enjoy plays and tv shows, not just for fiction but to see what real humans are doing, someone wrote that script, someone memorized it internally and made it real to them, enough to be something else on a stage.

“- this thread reminds you of him. IF you want to start a new thread where he is not a part of, you can.”

It is true, it does remind me of him, but it also reminds me why I should not go back. Although there are enough messages on here for me to re-read and remind myself when I need to. I wonder what my next topic should be… I feel afraid to start a forum where I don’t feel as understood as I do here. But I know that is not a good enough reason not to try something new. Other topics I am interested in are more inner (hatchling) child work, spirituality and how to stay on the track of fulfilling my purpose here.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. “

wow this makes sense for a lot of different scenarios we were in. This makes me trail back to childhood, and wonder if this is what was going on with my parents, why my mom would cry (a weakness in men’s eyes) and then my dad wouldn’t be as upset with her because some part of him liked that feeling of how weak she was… I feel like I have been rewarded for being weak by my mom… She would fix a lot of problems growing up or get me out of trouble when I needed to face things alone. I will think about this topic more, but N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker.

“…seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.”

Is this why parenting can be so healing? My immediate thought after reading this quote was a vision of myself at like 7 years old and that I wish I could touch my forehead to hers because I do empathize with her circumstances. This reminded me of the first day nannying this little girl, she is 16 months and according to her parents ‘very picky about nannies/people.’ It was such a special moment, it was day one of starting the job and I played with her, K, and at one point I was holding her playing with a toy and she touched her little head to my forehead (happy teary eyed emojy!) It was so sweet, I felt like she was saying she accepted me. Anyways after having this memory I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you.

Apart from inner-child healing, but a thought I have recently been revisiting, I wonder where children come from. I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?

“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.”

I think I am pretty far on the spectrum of wanting it, but certainly to be fully 100% seen feels like a breech of privacy, like there are some things I’d like to keep so that I am not fully exposed to the world. And certain people get closer than others of course. But I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way.. I know I am this way because I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family. I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying. But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts, I really appreciated hearing this. Something I wanted to hear so badly from N, but never did, probably because he was intimidated and it only made him afraid to share his thoughts.

“…(I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.”

I remember when he would tell me he liked that I was emotional, but his “compliment” didn’t feel genuine, and this makes sense because it was genuine but it wasn’t in the way that I desired. He didn’t admire it, he was attracted to it. I feel like he would alternate between two versions of himself, probably based on whether I was emotional or not.. He would be supportive if I was emotional, but when I was unemotional he would imply I was weak… Like when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect. So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!

“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).”

Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up alot of my time and have been recently cutting down..

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

” A necessary part of healing is grieving what you never received as a child, and never will- because you are no longer a child.”

This is helpful. I will never receive what I needed before, but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right? I understand “0% intimidation and 100% adoration” is unrealistic and I certainly do not prefer a love bombing situation over a lack of caring about how I feel, something in the middle. If there is intimidation on their part, if that is just a masculine trait then I will just need my third I with me to spot it and not let it control me.

“Part of healing, following the grieving of growing up unseen, is to lower this expectation.”

So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes alot of sense, for a long time I have felt instinctually that I would be disappointed in this way, but over time this fear has dimmed, so perhaps I have already done some healing over many years. I started to acknowledge my dads lack of genuine care when I was little, at 17 years old, so that is 7 years. Although during that time I wasn’t consciously trying to heal, it was just trying to bring awareness to my past and present feelings. I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to “grieve” my lack of being seen, how do I grieve and lower my expectations?

“– I think that this may be true to you, and that’s why you had crushes on, and had your focus on (in middle and high school, and onward..?) guys who were not interested in you romantically, not respecting/ having crushes on guys who were interested in you…?”

Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside? You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?

 “Respect is too much of a human experience of cognition+ emotion, and I think of N operating like a spider: instinctually.”

This may be true. Also a thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha.

“– in the past, when you walked away from him crying, or when you had a panic attack in the closet.. it was like a fly shaking his spider web, stimulating him into reaching out to the fly. A cold/ unmoving fly does not vibrate a spider’s web.. so he doesn’t reach out to it.”

I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?

“(I did not understand the last paragraph of your most recent post of yesterday, “what it would have ACTUALLY felt like”..?)”

I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down.

Happy Monday Anita, I appreciate you being here to talk to me through and since my breakup. It is very helpful for me and a very motivating way for me to journal, process and grieve in the healthiest way I can.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for what you wrote in your first paragraph.

I think part of what keeps me from messaging N is that, knowing him, I think there is a 75% chance that he would use that as an opportunity to reject me, as to try to hurt me. I feel empowered by the fact that I left the situation, and giving that up, would be harder than the feeling of being alone. The only times I have found myself tempted, are when I am out with my roommate, and I want to be rescued... We went out thursday night, and at a certain point I thought ‘If I was still with N right now I would text him to come pick me up because I want to go home.’ Two other times I was tempted, was before Christmas when I hurt my knee, I thought ‘if we were together he could come pick me up and take me home right now and take care of me.’ The other time was when I was sick and wanted to be cared for again. Sexually, I am not tempted.. which surprises me because I thought that would be a harder temptation, but instead I predict that if I did, the options are either rejection, like I mentioned above, or he would come over but he would be rough with me and I would end up with hurt feelings, which again is a worse feeling than loneliness. All these reasons I have been tempted are areas I know, I need to be here for myself, take care of myself. It is not an easy thing to accept, because I do want help sometimes, but I just have to remember taking care of me now, will only make it that much sweeter when I do meet someone who wants to support me.

“He might (mis)use the fact that you broke up with him against you and keep you shut in that cage for good, feeling too guilty to break up with him again.”

And yes, getting back with him permanently could definitely be unhealthy for this reason. The thing is, to get back with him permanently he would have to be the opposite to who he is…(just thought of that phrasing now) He would have to come to me, genuinely apologetic, and dedicated to winning me back and making me feel seen and heard, all things that are not who he is right now, he would need to have a very big revelation and change who he is for me to feel like he could love me correctly with 0% intimidation and 100% adoration. Last night I dreamt of him, but he was different. I was sad, feeling unseen, and he grabbed me, recognizing my sadness and genuinely asking me “what do you need?” that is who I wanted him to be. I woke up, and despite what you might think, did not miss him, in fact I recognized immediately that that was not him.

” I think that it’s important for him to win in a variety of contexts, including in the romantic.”

He is a puzzle to me, for reasons such as mentioned earlier, that he would push me to do things I liked like acting in the play and paying for me to go to improv class when I couldn’t afford it. Encouraging my painting, wanting me strong but not strong enough.. another puzzling fact is this; I am very coordinated athletically and mentally in games. I often pick up sports and games very quickly and often win. When we went to an arcade for the first time I beat him and his friend at all the table games, it drove his friend crazy, but N was unbothered, if anything enjoyed watching me beat his friend. I beat N at pickle ball every time, when he won it was because I went a little bit easy because I felt bad! But he was never a sore loser with games, for being a professional athlete he was not very competitive, and I know what competitive looks like because my whole family is, board games being flipped over, crying, straight up bullying in games with my dads family, but it is also cause everyone is so good, when I play with my family I do not always win, but with friends, pretty much every time. I am very competitive. But it didn’t seem like winning was super important to N… honestly him winning in that board game at his house with his mom, felt unlike him.

“I hope that … this kind of hope, or desire to change a man from low to high vibrations is not in the core of your attraction to a man.”

ME TOO. But I don’t think it is… I think I settle for less than what I want, like earlier when I said N was an upgrade from my parents. When N was late for the first couple dates, I almost broke it off, I was so close but then there was something about him that I felt like it was premature to end the relationship… in fact I wonder about this, after he had literally stood me up and I was so upset, I ended it, then the next day I didn’t feel right about it…I had a vision of it being like I was tearing out a little green root, like I was prematurely giving up on something that could grow. I thought that vision was from a good place, I wonder now where it came from, or maybe It was from the right place and I was meant to go through that relationship to learn what I have? It is hard for me to write off that vision as wrong, because I remember it feeling like intuition.

I think where my mistakes staying in the relationship began, was at 6 months. That is when we had the shroom experience, and I lost a lot of trust for him. The whole week after the experience, I remember being disappointed because doubts about the relationship entered my mind for the first time! I was upset they were there. But at that point I felt too attached to him, and thought I could solve the doubts. In trying to solve them I learned a lot about myself and what to look for (and look out for) in a future relationship, so perhaps it was all mean to be.

But funny how, 2 months in I fell in love…those six months felt wonderful. From trips to families meeting, to laying in bed on Sundays, going to the local thai restaurants, we are both foodies and loved the asian cuisine in Seattle. Then as I have mentioned before, our physical chemistry was everything I thought it should be and more. Those 6 months were heaven, I was so upset when those doubts entered, I remember wondering ‘why now, why couldn’t I had these doubts before I got this attached?’ ‘I have never been with someone for 6 months, maybe this is normal.’ ‘I do not trust him to take care of me.’ ‘I love him.’ ‘These doubts are the shrooms fault, this is a mind game and the bad trip is just lingering.’ I had nightmares about him and avoided him that week as I knew I wouldn’t be good company. Eventually the doubts got quieter and the 6 month love feeling was now at 80%, not like 100% as before but at least it was at 80 while the doubts quieted to 20. I remember having doubts right before moving to AZ, doubts about us and the new location, but I called if fear, rather than intuition.

I am happy I am living here with Molly, so I suppose there was some intuition that moving here was right, but there was a cloud as well, the cloud being living with N. A month or so after our cars were stolen, but we still made it to AZ I remember wondering if them getting stolen was a sign to not come here.. But I also thought it was a blessing in disguise that we got to do the long drive together. The drive down was a blast, we stopped in several places, another new years experience with him. Then when we lived together, we were both home a lot, as we were figuring out our job situations, it felt like a second honeymoon phase, together every single day. But then the roommate situation took away from it. causing our first ever consistent arguments. A mix of good and bad, then I moved out and saw all the bad, and left permanently.

In conclusion, I think the solution is for me to see the low vibrations, before getting so attached. Once I am attached, I want to help them increase their vibrations.

“(1) habit. It’s easier for me to walk that it is to not walk.”

I need some sort of healthy habit to start right now. For a while it was yoga, then I got sick and hurt my knee and couldn’t go, then my membership expired and it is too expensive for me to join at this time. The gym is so boring, but with my roommate it is more fun, but our schedules vary so it is hard to make a consistent habit of it. I do have a nice trail behind my apartment that I could walk more, but I get bored..

Seaturtle

edit: I am glad replying to my post kept you entertained during the boring treadmill!

Dear Anita,

“…a girl in a cage, blocked chakras, deteriorating mental health.”

A big sign of this is, last year in may, I had recurring acne on my face for the first time in my life! It was hard for me to face because I didn’t know why and I was upset that it was happening, as I have been blessed my whole life with fairly smooth skin. The first week I was living apart from N, in my new apartment, my acne went down significantly, still small recurrences, smaller and smaller until just last week they stopped. My face is now only healing past scars and no longer breaking out, I am so happy. I did try a number of things and adding a face cloth to my regime was very helpful, as AZ water is much different than WA water. Then I added more moisture to my routine as well, thinking the dry climate was affecting it too, I also naturally started eating healthier, and drinking less, as soon as I broke up with N. All those reason contribute, but I definitely feel like a factor on my skin was the stress N caused me, blocked chakras –> blocked pores.

“- maybe she meant the light/ higher vibrations are is back to your eyes, face, voice, the words you use.”

“- sometime when you are relaxed, maybe listening to music you liked back in high school, or looking at photos of yourself back then, sit in front of the computer, imagine that you are the girl in the photos and type away whatever comes to mind. You can start with competing the sentence: “I feel_______”.”

It is interesting to hear this perspective because it is hard for me to tell if I was high vibrations in high school, how could I have been despite my parents being the most low vibrational relationship at home? As young as 13 I remember wishing them apart, I preferred one without the other, I could sense the low vibrations and wanted to repel them. Around the same age my parents let me move downstairs to our mostly furnished basement. There was a guest room I made my room and the separation form the rest of the house was nice, although I have a vivid memory of my dad pacing the floors one night, I went to the top of the basement stares to listen to what he was doing, because it was keeping me up. I put my ear to the door and could hear him leaving voicemails for my mom, asking “where are you.” It was late. I stayed at the top of the stairs cause I was curious and wouldn’t be able to sleep with his pacing anyways. She came home. She walked in, there was silence, he asked “where were you?” he asked out of pain, not anger or shouting, he was asking genuinely and a sadness peaked out of his voice (I feel his pain right now). She just fell into tears. All I remember from that point was her crying, thinking she was drunk and not answering his question.

I had few things in my life that made me feel like me, I had to fake enjoyment for things my dad wanted me to do, such as sports. The tricky thing is I wasn’t all faking, it became so real that I enjoyed it. And I was good at sports, I was a natural. I did love my club soccer team, but when it came to my highschool team I did not like the team, and therefore began to loath the game too. When I told my dad about sports he was proud. Also, the siblings around me in age did not follow the rules as I did, which is also why I felt like I needed to follow them. I felt bad for my dad that my brother was awful at sports, so I wanted to be what made him happy. my sister younger than me was just like my dad, very stubborn, she refused to be someone she wasn’t (which I admire now) and at the time that created a rift between her and I. She had such a hard life because she was constantly disciplined for acting out (later in age I realize she was acting out because she wasn’t being cared for as she needed, like the metaphor you shared with me about a child going to work with the mom, she will behave if she got what she needed at home otherwise have temper tantrums outside the home). I remember thinking that she brought her own pain upon herself, I was doing what my dad wanted me to and therefore got his love, then she was jealous of me for getting his love. She annoyed me, I thought “just do what you’re told and you won’t make this harder for all of us.” She had tantrums infront of guests we had over, it was embarrassing. She would scream at babysitters, run away from home and steal things from me and my youngest sister, and bully my youngest sister. My brother was always out of touch, my mom thought he had asperger’s, he would get really angry and hit us, he was told to hide his anger so much that it turned into passive aggression and judgement, who he is today. My youngest sister has always had a love hate with my other sister, friends one minute then the next other sister was trying to bother her, even up until last year. (other sister moved to another state). I loved my youngest sister dearly, she was cute and sweet, she was a people pleaser like I was, she understood how to follow rules to receive the love she needed, unlike my other two siblings.

All this said, the way I was raised greatly affected my self esteem. I didn’t get to know who I was because I was so consumed with everything around me and the rules I had to follow to keep the peace, and put up with temper tantrum siblings all the time. By the time I got to school, I was good at making friends, but I always felt a little socially behind, my private school upbringing hid a lot of things from me, I was made fun of for being “innocent.” I didn’t understand the sleazy jokes, and I wasn’t aloud to text or hangout with boys, so I missed out on alot of things in middle school, still restricted in high school I began to sneak around. I could be natural with certain people, but maybe 2 in my whole highschool, so I often felt awkward in groups. We talked before about certain people you have to dim your vibrations for in order to be on their level. Which perhaps does show that I had a high vibration. I thought I was awkward, so I was, I was told I was. Certain responses I had were the truth, and people would scold me for being open about it, say I was awkward for brining it up. I used to think I was awkward and that was bad. Today I have just learned to own the fact that to this society, I am “awkward” but I don’t care anymore like I used to, now I think well if they want to respond weird I will leave. My friends now understand me and I try to get them to be “awkward” too, even though I think sometimes “awkward” = authentic.

I have always been good at speaking to boys. I was really good at being flirtatious, meaning just witty and fun. I loved witty banter with people, girls or boys. But with boys the wittiness would be more flirtatious, I really liked texting boys (hidden from my parents) because it was like a flirtatious release I enjoyed. But the thing was, none of those flirtatious conversations, actually wanted to date me. Infact, I witnessed all of my crushes with another girl. In middle school I witnessed the boy I had been talking to and really had a big crush on, a girl came to visit her friends at the school, he saw her and immediately left my side and lifted her into the air. It was like from a movie, but I was sitting there watching as my heart felt like it was falling into a million pieces. Again in middle school, this time was worse because the boy I liked, his friend told me he liked me too. I got so excited, I even told my dad. A couple weeks later I found out his friend made that up because he thought it was true, infact the guy was into one of my friends, he asked her to the dance instead and I witnessed it all, heartbroken. In highschool there was another guy I liked, he liked my friend, actually my roommate now! She did not like him so I didn’t have to witness that one but I did have to concole him about her…which was a whole other feeling of heart ache. In highschool, it happend once again, I was texting someone I really liked, this guy actually, we texted on and off for years age 16-19. I had/ have never had the feelings I had for him, T. But he was in to someone else, he invited me to go to youth group with him once, we hung out and had classes together so spending time with him was easy. At youth group, the girl that he liked was there, I sat down at my seat and she sat on his lap. It was the same feeling again, shattered heart. All of these occurrences, happening every year of middle and highschool for me, 8 years, made me think the guys that I wanted didn’t want me and I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t feel less pretty, so I blamed my personality, crushing my self esteem. Even today I get anxious around a guy if I have any feelings, often I am mean to him because I don’t want to flirt/show interest and be rejected. With this self doubt and lack of self esteem, could I have really had a high vibration through all this going on around me? not forgetting what I would also go home to?

“- congratulations on your new job, Seaturtle the Nanny.”

Thank you! I have always been good with little ones, I have never been rejected by one of them, haha!

“the weed and alcohol did not shut your 3rd eye. It kept vibrating and seeing through the smoke and the alcohol.”

The sad part is I wanted to close my third eye. So that I could enjoy N.

You quoted me: his response ‘But If I tell you how beautiful you are, you will leave me’“ and responded “- bingo! He wanted you to stay in the cage..! The spider wanted you in his web, alive but not strong enough to fly away and leave him.”

Why was he afraid that I would leave if he acknowledged my strengths?

I am certainly getting more over him every day. Yesterday my feelings of disgust changed from inside of me to seeing it in him, seeing him as gross. I still wonder about getting my things and have anxiety about this, I find myself planning what to say in my head but it also just brings me anxiety to think about.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“So, to get along with a person who hides and deceives, you have to be part of the FEAR and the hiding and deceiving, aka unbalanced and blocked chakras.  I wrote fear with capital letters because it’s the kind of fear that annihilates the gut…”

To be part of the fear, deceiving and hiding, I wonder what this lead to inside my body and outside in my expression/personality.

To stay in fear you have to ignore your gut? So then by listening to your gut your annihilate FEAR?

“yes, light around him, not light into him.”

I was telling my roommate last night, I feel like I explained to him who I was so much that he didn’t have to ask me questions, like I craved him shining light on me, and thought that I could do it myself. While at the same time trying to shine my light on him. Last night my roommate admitted, “I did notice while you were together that you didn’t seem like the girl I once knew in high school, and now away from him it seems like she is back.” It is interesting because I don’t remember my highschool self a whole lot, I feel like my parents divorce and emotionally tense home-life, affects my memory of the time, not necessary events but of feelings… Is there a way for me to get more familiar with myself in that time? This reminds me, recently I have been trying to focus on getting to know myself again, fall in love with who I am. But what happens is I fall into what I would usually do, shower, make dinner, or play with the little girl I nanny (my new job right now). Then as I am doing those things I stop and wonder ‘wait, who am I, what am I doing right now, what does it look like and how do I be me…” It is a strange feeling, I want to shine more light on me!

I said “I feel like he knew on some level, that I could help him“ and you responded, “- this may be wishful thinking/ feeling on your part.”

You may be right. To be honest I am really not sure, sometimes I felt like there was a part of him calling out for help, but then when I responded to help he was receptive for only a short amount of time or not at all. His response being “can we just have fun tonight, we haven’t had light fun in a while.” But I struggle to enjoy “light and fun” when there is something that needs to be exposed, whether it is me needing to bring light to something I do, or to what he does. More often it was me trying to shed light on myself, to him, something I got the vibe that he was bored to talk about. His face lit up if I asked about work, his truck, skiing, his nephew (no one else in his family, only his nephew), hiking, boating, camping, food, weed (only in a positive light), but I found all those conversations boring. I once tried to explain to him that talking about deeper topics energized me, and he said they drained him and the topics above energized him (while they bored me after a certain point).

“when you dare open your throat chakra and say what you see through your 3rd eye”

Towards the end of the relationship, the last 3 months, he told me he didn’t like me when I drank alcohol. When I drink I become very vocal about my internal thoughts, so it makes sense that he didn’t like the things I had to say. If I had seen something with my third eye that week, but didn’t say it out holding back from overwhelming him with thoughts, it would spill out when I drank even a couple drinks. It is interesting because smoking started to make me have negative thoughts about him, so I stopped smoking, then drinking did it too and so I had to stop drinking most of the time with him because I would get too confrontational for him. If we drink together (with anyone) and I am feeling a type of way, it often will come out, especially since him and I were together so much. One time he did not like, and the next day said was verbally abusive… and I can admit it was too much, but it was true. So there were two issues I really wanted him to fix for me, one was being late, and the other was giving me some words of affirmations. He very very rarely gave me physical compliments, I got more compliments from random people on the street then I did from my partner, I said this to him that night. The place I took too farm and it was because the alcohol got away from me that night… which I feel regretful for was I began to compare him to past boyfriends and how they would say things, to give him examples and to prove to him he was not doing it, this was clearly not a good argument, but I understand my drunk self’s attempt here. I apologized the next day for comparing him to past boyfriends, I knew that was wrong of me. The compliments never came, the first year with him I didn’t really notice, it was the second year that I started to wonder like ‘do you even notice I put this on for our date, I don’t wear this for anyone but me and you.’ I asked him once, a time he had smoked and was for feeling-y because of the marijuana, I said “babe why don’t you compliment me? I know you think I am beautiful but do you realize how much if would mean to me to hear it from your lips?” his response “But If I tell you how beautiful you are you will leave me”…. this is so sad but also an issue because even after I assured him it would have the opposite affect on me, it didn’t change. He made comments like “oh I haven’t seen that skirt before” or “I like the color of your pants,” but not like those have anything to do with ME, I told him but do I look good in them? He just had a very hard time giving me compliments, sort of in the same category as making me feel seen. I often felt he did not know what made me special, mentally or physically.

” a twist on the spider imagery- the spider wants to feast on a living/ fresh fly, so he feeds the fly with just enough dung to keep it alive, but not strong enough to escape the web.”

Which would explain why he was afraid of me moving out, to find enough strength to leave. When I was first telling him about moving out he did not want me to and told me “I could just seem myself pulling away if you move out.” I feel like this was a manipulation tactic to try to get me to stay, making me fear losing him and deciding to stay.

My roommate brought up a good point last night too, as I was venting to her like I am to you today, out of this gross feeling I am trying to release (which by the way I apologize if it is sending you low vibrations). She pointed out how strange it was that he would act like nothing happened, even the few times she witnessed this. She said I remember you saying you guys had an argument on the phone and an hour later he was at the apartment behaving as if nothing had happened, I of course realize this, but the fact she could see it too is validating. He did do this. Interesting how not saying anything can be just as manipulative as saying something. When this sort of thing happened, and I did bring it up, he would basically say to get over it. So then I would come to this thread and try to see how to get over it, by seeing how I could be projecting F onto N. I tried so hard to take the blame because that was easier than having him refuse to.

Seaturtle