Dear Anita,

I can’t stop thinking about this message. I am afraid that it was my fault that the relationship didn’t work. When I first came here, our conversation began with me trying to take the blame for our relationship, I wanted it to be me that was the problem so I could fix it and make the relationship  work. I thought maybe I was projecting F to N, or wondered if I was requiring too much of N and how to change that. Then it turned out that N was gaslighting and that wasn’t a relationship I could work with. My fear is I caused him to need to gaslight and I just self destructed the whole relationship and have too many needs. That he was too good for me and I will never find better.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

It has been a couple days, the fact part of me questions if a relationship with N could still work, I have not let it go completely. However, this in-between, not knowing if he is right for me is the same feeling I had when I was in the relationship. I guess I wonder if there will ever be a relationship I feel confident in, confident that I am growing in and being treated right, as well as being what they need in a partner.

N is hard for me to let go because of the good, and yes because of the guilt I feel for taking financial advantage. The way I looked at it, and we talked about, was that in a relationship sometimes one person needs the other for a time and then it switches, I felt like I was in a time needing financial support but I also expressed I would not always be there and I was trying to find my way out. Currently in my life I am already getting out and getting to a place of saving for a future home, a place I wish N got to watch me get to. I just feel like he lost trust and respect in some of my abilities, but not just that, he did not communicate it with me. Instead he was passive aggressive, then I questioned the passive aggression and he denied it…So to me yes my third eye was possibly closed when it came to money, but he did not help the situation. He would let me in on his finances so slightly, then tell me one day he can’t afford the mortgage and I thought what? you work so much how is this? he let things get so far and I had no idea what was actually going on, so yes third eye closed there. He certainly was able to see things that I wasn’t, but he didn’t talk to me, that was the difference between him and I. If I saw something I tried to help him see it too, if I didn’t see something he just blamed me saying I didn’t listen… But all I can say is I was doing my best to listen, when he said that I just felt like it was an excuse because I could not recall him trying very hard to get me to understand something, a burden I took on, trying so hard to explain and communicate with him but he couldn’t do the same.

“What I mean by a healthy relationship is a fair relationship which works for you and for him, a win-win prospect.”

Thinking about it working between N and I satisfies some feelings I am having right now. I feel lonely, having a partner is so nice because you can share your thoughts with them and they can understand your perspective of things. It satisfies my feeling of overwhelm that I have to find someone else, not only someone else but someone else that I now have higher standards for, because of my new awareness as to what I want in a relationship. N was not in touch with his feelings, if this issue was fixed then I would regret my decision of not being with him. Although there is also the fact of having more laughter in the relationship, something that wasn’t worth breaking up with someone, but now that I have a fresh start to find someone and not compromise there.

I feel like there is definitely someone out there better suited to me than N, I wish I could get rid of the pull to N altogether, but I think it is just love that makes it really hard for me, harder than I thought. He just lacked an emotional maturity and depth that was never going to work for someone life me, who is so curious about the world and is fed by the depth it brings. He said it, he was exhausted by depth… that right there could have been enough to end the relationship but I really loved him so I stayed and tried to sacrifice those things but I don’t think they are compromiseable for me. I just miss him and I wish I didn’t.

“When I suggested that you arrange to (some day, when you are able), to pay him what you think you owe him”

I have certainly thought about this a lot since you mentioned it. It would be a while longer before I can do this responsibly and not leave myself in a financially vulnerable place, but I could see myself doing this in the future. If it felt like it would help anything at that point.

“It reads like N is financially generous and (?) spent a lot of money on restaurants and entertainment with you.. while working very hard for his money…? If this has been the case, I can understand him feeling taken advantage of, financially.”

Me too, and something I would have done differently if I could go back now. But I have thought about this a lot and this is what I come up with… I question why didn’t I just get a part time job? I did apply to a few and didn’t hear back, but I also didn’t really want a job yet because I was on unemployment and I didn’t want that to stop. I was able to buy groceries for the house and N said that was enough for the time being, but I don’t think it really was, in retrospect I think he was just saying that. I wanted to find some place that was meant for me and I really was struggling to find that, I was discouraged and ended up doing lots of art. As soon as unemployment ended I got a job at an art gallery, one I tried to get before but had no response. The art gallery paid nearly the same as unemployment, the owner promised good commission and it was not true, I never made the commission he promised, and therefore my lack of spending money went on. I wanted to give the gallery a fair shot, and AZ summers aren’t good for sales anyways so I thought it was temporary, but holidays came and still barely any sales.

Throughout all that time of going through my search for what I was meant to do N didn’t understand what I was looking for in life, he would recommend these jobs but they weren’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t want to be at another job that barely makes enough money to save and I am just wasting my time for a year. I had money saved up and a very reliable care that I could have sold for 20k, but my dad took everything from me. I graduated college, moved to AZ and my car was stolen, 20k in insurance money my dad claimed to himself, gave me nothing and said good luck. I had paid thousands on the car and had over a thousand worth of items packed in the car for my trip, but since he paid for my insurance while I was in college (something he offered) he undoubtedly thought the insurance money was all his. With this heartless act on my dads part, I moved to AZ with nothing. I would never have moved if this happened before, but it was days before our move and N already purchased a home in AZ so I felt stuck. It was way harder to get back on my feet from that loss, then I thought it would be. I thought N was sympathetic to this, but I don’t think he truly understood how depressed mentally and financially my dad had caused me to be. The only clear voice I received while living with N was to move out of there, after a couple months I heard this voice, but I thought it was fear so I ignored it. It got louder, so I did. There were moments N and I thought we were eachothers whole future, but I also didn’t like the visions I had of us in the future. I wanted to talk more about our visions but all he had was what he wanted for himself, not “us.” I had a hard time visualizing my place in his future. I wanted to talk about things like this but I felt shut down by him, he didn’t want to talk about “serious” things and just wanted to have fun. And we did have fun together and I miss that.

I guess my life has gotten serious all the sudden, so much real life happening, my surgery, bills, my job change this year, and I just wish I had my friend here with me. But I still don’t see a romantic future because he did not want to have the deep real conversations we needed to align ourselves and our future. I feel like needs a simpler girl, that requires less conversation and is more willing to go along with his plans.

He also needs someone who is riskier than me, his riskiness stressed me out. With is little nephew he was so rough and it scared me. We went swimming at a watering hole and I had this bathing suit on that I knew he liked, I asked him if he thought it was sexy and his response was “I think if you did a flip off that ledge it would be sexy.” something that had absolutely no interest to me… you want me to walk barefoot up that jagged rock and flip off into that rocky water? no. He did not appreciate that I am a more delicate woman type, I am adventurous yes I love to explore, and I would even sky dive, but I just didn’t want to do the injury prone things he did like mountain biking and flipping off ledges. When I didn’t do those things I didn’t feel desired by him. This is helping me remember why him and I just aren’t suited in too many ways. He made a good friend but not a good romantic partner.

And yes, the weed is something I don’t want to compromise. I think it can be fun recreationally, but not nightly, especially since it only distanced him MORE from his real feelings. He had a false sense of feeling after he smoked, like when someone apologizes after they’ve been drinking and it just doesn’t mean much.

Living in that home was not healthy for me. And the person I live with should be.. When I communicated my feelings he fed off my tears then did it again and again. We had a good friendship but not healthy romantic. I wonder if a friendship with him would be healthy or possible, and if our sexual compatibility would be interruptive or a part of the friendship. But overall, I want to grow, and if that relationship with him would keep be stunted then it would not be worth it. I am happier out of the relationship! and that should be the bottom line. I have left the emotional roller coaster, I truly have, I was on a huge one and I truly feel I have exited. I miss the highs of that roller coaster, but not the lows. I deserve a steadier roller coaster. I honestly did my best in that relationship, I was willing to own up to my faults, he was not (soberly anyways).

I am going to start writing a book. I feel like I am at such an interesting time in my life where I am heading for great things and how cool would it be to write a book about how my life is and is going and get to record the good things as they happen. I know a better partner is out there for me and perhaps I will write my book right into him, but first after finding my confidence being out of the relationship with N. I need to move on and I need to get my passport. It is sunny outside and I am missing it worrying that N is the best thing I will ever be offered in life but that is a lie.

Seaturtle…swimming

Dear Anita,

“The result: she felt calmer (higher) and you felt somewhat distressed (lower)”

Sometimes I wonder how many of this type of conversation I should have with someone before I distance myself from someone. Like what is the right balance in a relationship/friendship where the conversations brings you lower or higher. I suppose it just has to do with how it feels to me, but I am definitely sensitive to people bringing me lower and tend to avoid those people, what is conflicting is when it is a close friend. For example my friend P, the one in the destructive relationship, it is finally over but they still live together and he says nasty things to her and she stoops to his level in arguments, then she comes and tells me about it and I just do not want to hear it, but then I feel like I am being a bad friend.

“As far as the what-did-he-just-say, I figure he said to himself… ..#3 seems fitting: tell her that how she feels about what I said has nothing to do with what I said, but with her WRONG interpretation of what I said.”

Everything you wrote in this paragraph is so insightful to his mental state, I wish he would change this winning mentality and allow himself to be authentic and actually receive love.

“His authentic self..is one who cares about Winning at all costs…, one who cares about Power at the expense of Justice.”

And this authentic self is created by his upbrining?

“he .. is encouraging you to continue to not ask him for money.”

If he has so much, why is it so hard for him to help me financially do you think?

” F wants you to need him and he wants to pay the least for that which he wants,”

This is so interesting, just the other day I was telling M about my financial situation with my medical absence from work, she asked “won’t your dad be able to help you?” and I responded “I have already used my “ask” for the year I can’t ask for more.” So before hearing this in words that “he wants to pay the least for that which he wants,” it’s like I already knew there was some limit, the way he makes me feel like I can’t ask. Even though when we ended our conversation about my surgery, he said “let me know if you need anything,” yet he doesn’t really mean this… but an argument that we may have had in the past could have been me saying “I needed your help then” and he responds “Yea I offered it to you.” I gives so much subtext and when I read it back to him he refuses it.

“People with a conscience are complex…they struggle with getting their needs and wants satisfied, many struggle to identify what they need and want.”

“People without much conscience, people who are not concerned with doing what’s right and just for others..are not complex… If you see complexity in them it’s either your own complexity erroneously projected into them, and/ or you see a leftover bit of authenticity here and there, a leftover from the time before they moved away from their social-animal part, the part that cares to share power with others and have Win-Win interactions and relationships.”

To be honest I think I might be stuck in whether to categorize N as with or without a conscience. His roommate living with him, he often loaned him money, they covered for eachother. They often talked about this future they wanted with power and money, but I also felt the roommate was more consumed by power than N, N wasn’t the type that felt he needed to assert dominance, like his roommate or F. N was almost over0giving to people, he offered his friend in a bad situation to come live at his two bedroom house where he already had a roommate. N was humble in situations he lost, he was sad and wanted to do better, more human with a conscience to me. If no conscience people can’t share power and have a win-win, then that is not N, he literally wanted to get a huge house and have all his and my friends live in it to build community and money. This wasn’t something that intrigued me, I just wanted a real relationship with closeness to him, something that made him uncomfortable but at times he revealed he needed. Which is why I can’t help but think he is more of a conscious person that “struggle(s) with getting (his) needs and wants satisfied” and that he may be part of the “many struggle to identify what they need and want”

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“this makes me think fondly of a saying I came up with.. all by myself (proud of it): sometimes (often, really) Family is just another F word.”

haha this is funny and true. It reminds me of when I came home from my trip abroad from Argentina, I was already at my peak of overwhelm, just trying to process everything that I experienced and also the amount of family that wanted to see me when I just wanted to go rest. And it was this moment my mom revealed to me that she had slept that that guy a year ago that was suppose to meet me for a date… family really has the power to bring you higher or lower and why they choose lower, I have no idea, and hope I do not do that to them..

 “by “so many people”, you mean your family members? If so, consider that families are quickly to label individuals within as this or that, and the label persists within the family, and so, individuals are discouraged from growing and becoming more than a label.”

Yes I do just mean family. I remember even N appreciating my independent present moments to myself and they don’t seem to bother my friends as they are often the same way. My dad feeds of of pointing this out on me. When on vacations and there is an option of two places to eat, if I prefer one, I will speak up, but I don’t complain to do the other. It is just often my siblings don’t really express what they want, so they don’t get it, then I do because I expressed it, then they call me selfish. Once on vacation, my little sister was hungry, so I texted the family group chat if we could make a reservation, my dad said ok and we all met up. Once we made it there, my little sister decided she only wanted ice cream…haha but me and my other sister ordered a meal. In that moment, that my sister ordered ice cream and I ordered a meal my dad accused me, infront of everyone “wow you are so selfish you just organized this whole reservation and all of us meeting so you could eat dinner?” I literally before I could defend myself, feeling so just not seen at all, the reason I began the reservation process was because my little sister was too afraid to ask my dad for something so I did it for her. My sisters did have my back and say “no we were all hungry” but my dad did not let it go. Later I said that I did not like how he accused me of something I did not do, and was not, and his response “I didn’t make you feel anything other peoples words don’t make you do anything, your interpretation is why you feel.” my sister and I looked at eachother like what did he just say?? reminds me of N’s exact words.

“Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell“- she is too magnificent to hide in her shell for long!

-Thank you for the smile 🙂

“but never humbly, as in saying: you are right, Seaturtle. I was wrong… unless his PR agent thinks it will serve him well to fake the latter approach, is what I am thinking.”

Exactly, yes literally his “PR agent,” that is funny! What I find interesting is that I am getting more skilled at spotting his PR self, versus his authentic self, and when I confront him he sort of glitches… changes the topic to one he sounds smart it or you know when someone looks up with their eyes…calculating.

“– I guess he was very flattered by what you said and rewarded you for flattering him (this is in line with his PR agent’s policy). Do you mean that when you lived with him, you used to flatter him but he did not respond similarly to the above?”

I mean like I would do or say something to flatter him, I had to do this in order to get him to send me my tuition money for college… I had to show appreciation how he wanted it and I knew I was playing the game to get what I needed but I didn’t care. I preferred an authentic relationship but he was the one that didn’t want it so I played his game. But he wouldn’t respond love bomby then, he responded much more mild with a simple I love you or thank you/ your welcome. Now that I don’t rely on him financially it is like he is more exaggerating his appreciation of my flattery. Maybe because it means more since he knows that I don’t need to do it to get tuition or anything from him… I did always suspect our relationship would be slightly better once I didn’t need him for things because it was the needing of him that he wanted but also didn’t like…like he wants me to need him but he also thought I was using him. This is similar to N! they are flattered when I need them, but they also feel taken advantage of when I need them…

“your posts did not bring me down because I know that even when you are going through a difficult time, you are resourceful and your 3rd eye chakra is open….the Seaturtle who wanted to hide in her shell in the closing of your first post today, was out of her shell, curious to see/ learn new things only 18 minutes later..”

Thank you for pointing this out. I wonder why I feel the need to make sure I don’t bring someone down, maybe it is because of what I wrote above, how my mom has done that to me and I know how it feels.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Before you read this, warning it is a bit of a negative rant, so be sure it doesn’t bring you down, it is just how I have felt the past three days. Also no complications, I am resting and healing 🙂

“Overnight stay at the hospital (3 hours sleep), five incisions, sore and one ovary preserved-  – Less sore and rested this morning, I hope..???”

I would say the soreness levels haven’t changed very much, but thankfully I have been getting good sleep as this healing process is making me very sleepy. Today is my roommates birthday and yesterday she wanted to watch the superbowl, I wanted to be a good friend for her and be present with her despite wanting to go to my bed. Thankfully she was good with the compromise to spend the day on the couch!

My time in the hospital was a little traumatizing, a few things went hectic and lead to me overall feeling very alone and not understood.. I am seeing my pattern of feeling this way especially when I am hurt or sick. Before surgery the nurse had to draw quite a bit of blood and she did so in a place that I have never had blood drawn..she chose a place near my hand where blood came out very slowly so I was there for a long time as she squeezed my arm and it was miserable, then it was’t enough blood so she had to go to another place on the same arm! at this moment I had my first of many panic attacks, just tried to control my breathe but couldn’t stop tears. 24 hrs no food and blood being drawn from someone who didn’t seem to know what she was doing, I felt exposed and alone, the other nurse was kinder and attempted to comfort me (the only comforting nurse I would see my whole visit). They did not tell me they were administering me the anaethesia, I signed papers but had no warning one minute I just got dizzy, then I woke up in the hallway post-surgery, I was jarred awake form the anaethesia by loud noises around me, I was in the hallway for 2 hours as my post-surgery room was not ready. By the time I made it to my room I was awake, feeling the pain and pressing my call button as instructed, for pain medicine, my nurse kept saying she was on her way and it took 1 1/2 hrs for someone to get to me with the pain medication, at that point I was crying of the pain and the nurse just had this very smug face. She was smiling…which I thought was so weird cause I was crying and she told me “you don’t have to cry, stop crying ok?” this made me feel worse, I felt she had no empathy. The rest of my visit was like this, I was alone and this woman came when I called and was not delicate with me, instead of going around my bed to administer the pain she reached over and was pulling on the tube connected to my arm. Finally I left and it was over.

Once I was home it was so nice to rest saturday. Sunday I felt obligated to be out in the living room for my roommates birthday and some friends here, and my rommate made several comments about going out and I kept saying I could absolutely not, then my other friend said “what if you just sat down where we went?” They expected me to get dressed, go out with them and sit down awkwardly? I just wanted my mom yesterday. Not to mention my morning began with my brother in a manic state, texting me that he wanted to text N! starting the day calling my grandma to please take his phone my grandma said she didn’t see the problem with him texting N!!! Insane. Within 24hrs I had a surgery and 3 family members cause me un-needed pain, my dad calling me self absorbed, my brother sympathizing with my emotional abuser, and my grandma being completely emotion-less (typical of her). Then I told my mom about my dad saying I was self absorbed and she thought this was the right timing to bring up a time when she thought I was… Honestly I just felt attacked all morning. She brought up when I went to Hawaii with my mom and sisters, and we took a scenic drive, we had to stop to use the restroom and after I did I noticed a waterfall under this beautiful bridge, and decided to go take a minute to myself. I was gone for 15, maybe 20 minutes. When I came back my sisters were on the bridge and told me how selfish I was for going off on my own. my mom agreed. In the future I would tell them before taking a moment to myself and even this bothered them still but they were more accepting.

Personally, I have always admired people who were able to go take moments to themselves, be independent and present. So to me, I want to be that way, I like that about myself. I used to be such a people pleaser and I don’t want to live my life for other people, I have to live with myself at the end of the day. Also, I am there when it counts. I flew home for graduations, dance performances, I am there for people in ways that others aren’t. I just feel like I am misunderstood, but that worries me that something is wrong with how I am doing things when so many people are saying the same thing. To me, I need to love me to love others, and keep my crown chakra open. I think the people in my family don’t love themselves, they are judgemental and self righteous. I just feel I am going to keep having moments to myself, and just have to deal with them being annoyed I am not to everyones beck and call like I used to be.

Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell

Dear Anita,

I feel the reason I have yet to find myself consistent here is because my third eye has been blurry. I also do not want to be repetitive, because I know why I ended it, I don’t regret ending it, so these other thoughts I am having seem irrelevant, but in the last three days I have felt them deeper and I am not sure why with the timing. It does not help that I dream of N every night. The dreams change, but the last two nights in a row in the dream, I have an opportunity to go back to the way it was, and my dream self wants to. As if my dream self, third eye closed, thinks that suffering through the bad parts of the relationship are worth getting the good parts back in my life. I miss the smallest things like kissing his cheeks and scratching his head, I miss taking care of him… I feel stupid for saying these things, and I know you don’t think I am, but I do. I feel like the things I miss are little things that are very common in relationships, so that does help, I am not missing things that were just N, so they will be in my life again, but right now I want them and they feel far away.

I can sense myself at a crossroads of wanting to watch sad/ romantic movies and have wine versus doing the healthier thing and no wine and waking up to go to a hot yoga class tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my pre-operation for my surgery. Which by the way, I got an mri and apparently it didn’t reveal any clarity to my surgeon and she needs me to instead see an oncologist just in case it is cancerous. The surgery is suppose to be friday, but it has changed several times, so we will see. I have had it set in my mind I want to get this medical stress taken care of first, and next is to get my passport from N. I have thought about sending someone to get it for me, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to see him. I don’t know what it will feel like, I am not sure why I want to but I just feel like it is my only opportunity to do so, once I get my stuff I no longer have any reason to contact him. I have also played the moment in my head so many times I just want to end that image my making it real.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“why do you feel the need to accomplish anything GREAT, and by great, do you mean something that will bring you fame, popularity, the esteem of many… anything like that?”

By great, I mean I want to add to the world. I am afraid I will not make my ideas come to life, and if I do they will maybe not be seen by others, and if it is not seen then how does it make a change in the world. I gave up the desire for popularity when I realized I did not want the attention of those who couldn’t see me when I was being my natural self. If I was popular for being just me, I mean that thought sounds nice, but I think it is just that lack of feeling seen and thinking that would solve it. Part of me has a desire for people like F and N, to see that I am “cool, funny, and strong” (from my post above). They told me I wasn’t those things, more so F, and there’s a part of me that wants them to see that I am. I don’t desire fame, too many people haha.

“This excessive, narcissistic need on his part to be attended to and prioritized at the expense of you, led to your excessive need to be thoroughly seen and prioritized. …It’s about trying to over compensate for not having been seen and prioritized…Did we talk about this topic thoroughly?”

I see how my deep desire to be seen, is as deep as it is because I am over compensating for not having been seen and prioritized. I also agree that those 2-3 years I lived with, mainly, my dad, his excessive needs of attention and priority are part of what I am compensating for. However, I was not seen in so many ways throughout my entire upbringing, I feel like those couple years with him were the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention I was older at that time, so I remember a lot of it, and I also remember knowing it was not right but I couldn’t understand why it was happening or how to stop it.

My little sister, the youngest, A, (the sister that we understand eachother the most) called me two nights ago. She was on the verge of tears because she hasn’t seen my dad since new years because he is constantly on vacation. Hearing her go on and on, reminded me of what it was like to live with him and my mom. her situation is a little different because since she is the youngest, this is her first year alone there to alternate between houses every two weeks. She said how hard and exhausting it was to go from house to house, she said it was like being in a warm place, then opening the door to -30 degrees outside. When she said this, it reminded me of when my parents lived together, and how uncomfortable the environment was with two polar opposites. She said she doesn’t understand who my dad can think their relationship (between A and F) is so great, yet it is so “superficial.” She called me because she was suppose to alternate to my dads this week and he was out of town all week, his house is large and cold and lots of windows, which at night can be scary. She said she called him and he said “oh I told you sweetie that I would be away” she told me he did not, and I believe her, my dad did the same thing to me. She said “sometimes I feel like I need to be physically hurt for him to see me.” this very strongly reminded me of when I attempted self harm, at her exact age. I told her “there is nothing you can do to make him see you, he may tend to you while you are hurt but he will leave again once you are better and in the end you will only have a mark on yourself.” I am so happy I answered her call. She spoke about how she didn’t want to go back to my moms, because that day she was feeling emotional. A is an amazing dancer, and she works as a dance teacher for 8-10 year olds (a job she sought out and has to pay everything she makes because of a dent she made to her car! sound familiar? F is doing the exact same thing to her that he did to me at the exact same age.) She told my mom she felt too emotional to be around kids, she said “kids can sense when you are feeling off and they will then be harder to deal with” A is very aware for her age I am impressed all the time! A went to my mom for advice, wondering why she felt the way she did and how to deal with it, …my moms response, is why I am sharing this, all my mom said to her was “it’s just a female thing.” Hurts me to even type that, my mom seems brainwashed sometimes. A and I both spoke about how our parents are both asleep and we are awake, we theorized on why.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

This weekend I will be home alone and I am looking forward to entering a meditative state to meditate on your question/prompt, from your reply on the 30th, ‘my ideal parent’.
I haven’t quite gotten used to my new schedule with my new job yet, but I am seeking some routine so I will be more consistent very soon!

happy Friday

Seaturtle