Dear Anita,

“I am saying all this not because I think that you fit the NPD (I really don’t know), or any personality disorder, but just in case you do- just in case you get diagnosed as such by a professional sometimes in the future- I want you to be open to the possibility, for therapeutic purposes.”

• I do appreciate you bringing this up, it makes me curious, but admittedly makes me fearful that I have more issues that I am unaware of. I have wondered if I have a personality disorder before, but just believe that I feel very in control of what I do and say, and I also stand by most of what I say and do. I feel like I stay aware enough, literally with the intention of staying aligned with who I believe I am, and I wonder, are people with those disorders capable of being authentic?

“-your desire to be positively/ admiringly seen as an individual apart from others in a romantic relationship and otherwise is intense.”

It is true, I have an overcompensating impulse to be seen by others and recognized as an individual. I was so unseen growing up, by my dad, but then also in highschool. During early highschool, or even middle school I don’t remember having this intense desire to be seen for my individuality, it developed and became more intense later in highschool, my soccer team literally ignored me in highschool. I told you before, but a recap, they thought I told the principal that they hazed the new freshmen and sophomores (me). When I actually didn’t, the hazing made me nauseous so I went home but I didn’t tell anyone, it was another girl who kept it a secret, the seniors and juniors were suspended from the first 6 games of the season and blaming me, they ignored me at practice for 2 years. That bullying had a huge impact, for one I didn’t know why they were ignoring me, I didn’t find out till my senior year that they thought I did anything. I just thought they didn’t like who I was, so I made an attempt to be as small as possible. Stopped talking, since I’d only be ignored, stopped asking for the ball, stopped basically playing soccer (my first love) and overall just wanted to be like everyone else and didn’t want to be myself, since that clearly was not accepted. I left highschool early to finish my degree and begin college courses, simultaneously, almost completely isolated from highschoolers, and anyone on my soccer team outside of practice and games. Just trying to blend in. Then I went to Argentina and that whole trip made me realize how strong I was, after the impact I took there as well. That is where I had my first out of body, “who am I and why am I here?” literally asking God. Again I felt so alone there, only English speaker aside from 3 translators, I learned spanish and made good friends there but the environment and activities they made us do were very challenging. Not to mention socially, the two translator girls treated me differently then they treated the spanish speakers, spoke to me like I was stupid and also ignored my requests, saying to go with the flow, yet I didn’t know the flow because instructions were told to us in Spanish, any ounce of control I had was taken from me, I was just told what to do and out of my obedient character I just did what I was told not matter how uncomfortable it made me. Unseen.

That was the first time I ever felt I heard God’s voice. I felt so unseen, so misunderstood, and so judged. And I was, I can elaborate on several stories, crying as I called my parents, crying to the sky, that trip was intense. I had nightmares that shadows pinned me to the ground and covered my mouth, taking every possible way to express myself away from me. It was those last 4 weeks of the trip (5 months total) that I literally felt like there must be a God or else I was completely alone, so I talked to the sky and I am telling you, I went from the most afraid, lonely and misunderstood place I have ever been and when I spoke to the sky I suddenly felt hugged, I felt this overwhelming sense of light, comfort and a soundless voice in my head said “It will be ok, I am not alone.” Ever since that moment, I have believed in God, but not in a religious way. I can go on about why not as well but I would be writing a book on here soon hahaha.

All this to say, yes, my craving to be seen is very intense, and I know it is an over compensation, and potency of the craving changes/fluctuates. But In my relationship with N, I was aware that he was not responsible for making me feel THAT seen. Honestly I feel like his lack of seeing me, in a strange way, was attractive to me because of how comforting it was, felt like home.

“– Part of you suspects that these expectations are ridiculous, but this part is not sure (hence the question, right?). Objectively, yes, it is ridiculous to think that N not always putting the toilet seat down means that he doesn’t think about you at all. “

I had to decide for myself what was ridiculous and what wasn’t. The toilet seat bothered me when I would fall into the toilet at night, and even after I told him that happened he didn’t seem to put much effort there, but I got over that one realizing he just forgets like all humans do. But it really bothered me once he came to my apartment and used my roommates bathroom, came out and said “oh wait forgot something” and went and put HER toilet seat down… he was being more considerate to her than me. Also the being late, he was 45 min late to breakfast with my mom and I, when she visited me. 45 min, that is ridiculous of him, but I was so understanding, I really tried my best to stay aware of the difference between too high of expectations, and reasonable standards.

“– this is how I understand this: as a child (not only as a teenager, but before), you felt so ALONE, a stranger in your home, living with strangers, disconnected, a very distressing and reoccurring feeling. Your mother took that feeling away from you when she coddled and overprotected you (words you used someplace in your thread to describe her behavior toward you). She took that feeling away when she did whatever you wanted. Fast forward, you re-experienced the same childhood ALONE/ estranged feeling with N, and you needed him to take this feeling away from you by doing the same as your mother did: everything you want.”

• I am not saying this is not true but I don’t recall feeling that way, at home. Also that feeling of estrangement doesn’t happen with my other friends, currently I am not able to associate this disconnect with anyone else but N. My other friends, yes I have felt disconnected before, but when I bring it up like “why is it weird right now” they are aware enough to agree and be like idk it is weird tho. When I feel disconnected, my impulse is to just be super honest, to meet at some sort of baseline with the person, and I find that inauthentic people are unable to meet you there, and I don’t think N was very authentic for many reasons. He was not able to have very raw conversations, something I find only two authentic people can have together. He could when we were on vacation sometimes, or out in nature for a couple days, but otherwise he was far away from that raw place that if I tried to be real with him he just blank stared me.

“but you have turned into your father in this way. You took normal behaviors, like a guy not putting the toilet seat down,  as evidence of him not caring for you.”

This is either hard for me to face, or not accurate to me. I was aware, in the moment, that those two things don’t correlate. I could see that assumption trying to come together in my head and I reasoned it out, that is extreme, I would tell myself and move on. That is why a relationship with someone who did not care enough lasted so long, I feel like I may have disregarded too many things out of trying to avoid making correlations that weren’t true, and that is what was the cause of such a tormenting last year. As I came to you here in September, I thought it was all my fault and I was making incorrect correlations, but clearly he was being passive aggressive, so many times I told myself “no, he was probably joking, and I am making assumptions of him not caring about me when it is not true,” just as a victim of gaslighting says to herself. I am open to being wrong about this assessment, but it is just how I feel, and evidence is that I stayed with him that whole last year trying to make myself see that he cared, when I just don’t think he actually cared that much and instead knew how to act like he did.

” Fast forward, you re-experienced the same childhood ALONE/ estranged feeling with N, and you needed him to take this feeling away from you by doing the same as your mother did: everything you want.”

I just don’t think this accidentally happens, that I would think I deserve everything I want, without even knowing it, especially knowing that I did not deserve everything I wanted like a spoiled little girl. I would not want someone to do everything I wanted, that would be such a fake relationship, I witnessed my grandma doing this for my mom and I thought it was gross. I did not/ and do not want to be this way so badly that I don’t think it happened without me knowing it, and if it did I know less about myself then I thought I did.

“– You are someone ALONE (a dark room) who needs to be seen as worthy of connection/ worthy of not being alone (turning on a light). Problem is that you associate the light with everything you want being done by the one who supposedly loves you.. because that’s the kind of love you experienced as a child.”

But I don’t want the love I received as a child, my moms over coddling makes me uncomfortable and my dads lack of it also makes me uncomfortable.  I am alone in a dark room, and something I learned through speaking with you is it is Seaturtle’s job to turn on that light so hatch can see herself. I associate light with seeing that I am an authentic person, a strong and witty/creative person (as my dad said I wasn’t), seen by myself and hopefully by my one life partner, the one person in the world that admires me for me. I just feel like N did not see me very deeply, he saw a square and fell in love with the square and moved on with his life, rather than see I am actually a pantagon, he missed a whole side but he was ok with that and I wasn’t. I just believe my real lifetime partner will see those things, I don’t want them to do everything I want. Infact, if someone sees who I am, I would likely stay with them through them doing many things I don’t like, because of how hard it was to find a man who saw me. Leave the toilet seat up every day, and be late as long as when you do see me, you laugh with me and we find similar things cool and see eachothers taste and respect eacohthers perspectives and goals.

“– Your internal torment is the ALONE, disconnected emotional experience of childhood. An experience you tried to change as a teenager, when living with your father, by hyper vigilantly fulfilling his unrealistic expectations from you. You tried to connect with him in this way, it was the expression of your love for him.. to do all that he wanted.”

Exactly

“He was in a difficult situation with you, wanting to please you on one hand (this is his brand of love: people pleasing, seems to me), passive-aggressively rebelling, on the other, responding to .. your unrealistic expectations in ways that were not emotionally honest. “

Yes exactly. I am sure some of my expectations were unrealistic, but I was open to being told that, when he explained to me that him talking with his roommate after dark, while I slept alone was too much to ask for, I stopped asking for it. I spoke to you, and I took my stuffed animal and pretended it was hatch, saying everything was ok, he loves me and this was not about me at all, I loved me too and that is all that mattered, and I went to sleep. My expectations were unrealistic for him. Expecting him to express why he was passive aggressive, was my expectation but he was incapable.

“overall, did not bring out the best in each other.”

Agreed. I literally told him this two nights before the breakup, at that dinner that I almost ended things but after asking to leave the restaurant, as he typically liked to “move” when in a confrontational conversation. In the car he says he has been told by his other friends that he doesn’t know how he comes across, and my empathy kicked in, I felt bad for him and said it was ok. Next day realized he literally didn’t take ownership still.

“If only the two of you- separately- could redefine LOVE: what is love?, as the song says…?”

Exactly, I feel this way. When I texted him part of me wanted to hear from someone who was willing to do this, but that was wishful thinking. I would be. I have had the song “I wanna know what love iss…”; haha

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“A point toward Seaturtle’s humility, zero toward Seaturtle being a narcissist.. lol (funny.. or not?)”

• haha funny and validating
• Years ago when I was starting to spot narcissists, in my parents and on tv or on occasion my friends, I looked up what made a narcissist. I decided I couldn’t be because when someone explained to me how I hurt them I genuinely looked at myself and changed if I needed to because I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain. It also made me start to listen more, and care about others feelings, in an attempt to be the opposite of my dad and to generally feel better and connect with more people.

“so sometimes you counter his voice by saying the opposite, that you are superior to others.”

• Hm right. Well this is a doable improvement I can make, when I find myself arguing that I am not worse I need to find a more “I am equal” approach rather than lifting myself “above.”

“judging by separation and divorce numbers alone, it has proven to be a romantic, delusional idea. So, no, I feel quite certain that N would not have become the man you needed, he wouldn’t have seen you and he wouldn’t have become softer if you had a child (or children) with him. Instead, he would have become harder and blinder, being overwhelmed to be a father.”

• I must say I agree, and this is what my intuition told me when I woke up the following day. I was certain of the future I wanted to avoid, perhaps even a generational pattern I’d be falling into. It is only now after the breakup that I started to wonder what that would have looked like but my third eye agrees with you here.

“my mother had empathy, so it seemed, to hungry cats in the neighborhood, and to me when I was physically sick with the flu, let’s say, and when she thought I was hungry. But she had no empathy for me during hours-long sessions…”

• I see this in N. And I feel like it made me want to be in those states in order to feel his empathy and feelings for me. After the breakup when I injured my knee, unable to walk for a day or so and limping for days after, it was hard to be injured without him. Then I got covid, and that was even harder to not have him. Then this surgery; I had a lot of tears throughout my time at the hospital, I cried like a lot. I was in physical pain but I was just depleted of nutrients which I think cause my defenses to all be pretty much non-existent. The slightest thought of my loneliness there made me ball, then my pain just made it worse. I was about to say “I’ve never felt so alone” but I instantly recalled at least two other times in my life where I felt so completely alone, it’s even making me emotional now. I need could dive into this on another post cause I do wonder it’s affects.
• For some reason recently when I have tears, my eyes burn, it just happened again and I looked it up and online says “When you cry due to emotional distress, the tears you produce contain different proteins, hormones, and stress-related chemicals than regular tears.”

“so I understand cats seeking her company. But I shouldn’t.”

• this is funny I laughed out loud, I hope that’s ok

“Similarly, N may be a very good friend to D, so it would make sense for D to continue to be friends with N. But you shouldn’t.”

• interesting because I do agree with this. I think where my lines get crossed is when I consider him to be a good friend, not a good romantic partner, and this reminds me how much I do miss his friendship.

“ongoing people pleasing involves emotional dishonesty. He puts his anger in a box and the box leaks.. passive aggressively.”

• and the gaslighting was the label of how he would be emotionally dishonest

“By the time you met N, he was already formed with his reactions to his mother’s misbehaviors being part of who he is. You can’t go back in time and undo his old reactions. You’re too late.”

• This is hard for me to accept. I see how I can’t go back in time to undo his old reactions, but part of me believes that people can improve from their formative years self. Some sort of realization happens, this happened to me which is why I believe it. I was so blind in highschool, third eye closed and I started to want to know myself, understand me and to do that I needed to see myself through others eyes and that is always humbling and if I let it, helps me grow. Since I did it, I just hold on to this idea that if only I could explain it just right they would be like “oh my gosh, who am I?” And so begins the journey, discovering your patterns and how you affect others and what genuine happiness is.

I read this after: “Adults can heal, to one extent or another, if they are able, and if they are greatly motivated, and if (we) do what it takes, and persist.. proactively.”

• I knew early on in the relationship that he wasn’t where I was in the journey of self awareness, but I liked so many other quality, aka what makes him a good friend. And I loved him, who N was as a friend. I accepted he was on his own self awareness journey and that wasn’t mine to press, but then it just wasn’t happening. And the whole second half of the relationship I was losing hope it would, and wondering how long I should wait and if I was wasting my time waiting for that to happen. So is my solution to not begin a relationship with someone who is not on the same journey as me to be their best expressive self?

“you demanded too much from him as a boyfriend/ lifetime partner, but you didn’t demand too much for yourself when it comes to a boyfriend/ lifetime partner. See the difference?”

• are you saying I demanded too much from him specifically but not that my standards are too high for my lifetime partner who’s still out there? I hope so haha.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I have a recent update about N. Realizing I will need my passport soon I started to feel more urgency to get my things from N. I had a nice say to myself on monday, and that evening at 8pm I decided to try and contact N. Since I was blocked from his phone after my New year message did not send I thought, ‘I will try to text him, and if I am still blocked then I will wait to email him another time during the day.” I texted him and it went through, meaning he unblocked me, I was surprised to see “delivered”

I said: “Hi. how are you”

Him: “Phenomenal”

Me: “couldn’t think of a more cryptic message?” *I was attempting to keep things light if he would let it but he didn’t

Him: “What do you want”

Me: “I want to know if you have any desire to talk”

Him: “words can’t describe how you’ve made me feel and I have no desire to waste any more energy with you.”

Me: “I tried my best to communicate cause I wanted it to work so bad but I just felt like we were not going to understand eachother and I had to leave the loop we would be in. I’m really sorry for any pain I caused you

Him: “you have no clue what love is”

Me: “yea I realize that”

Him: (Thumbs up emoji)

Me: “But how would you know what it is better than me”

Him: “please just leave me alone”

Me: “Ok, I’m sorry to bother you. I know I left stuff at your house and I’m guessing things were tossed which is understandable but I realized I left my passport in the drawer of the vanity in your room that and my snow gear is all I really want if that’s possible”

Him: “I don’t know where any of your stuff is but it’s not here.”

Me: “You have no idea where my snowboard is? I just hope you wouldn’t throw a passport away…”

Me: “Why’d you even unblock me if it wasn’t so I could get my things back”

The end. nothing more, I am feeling anxious about my passport and confused about the many things I had at his house stored in the garage and closet. Also him telling me I don’t know what love is, hurts because it makes me feel like he thinks he was doing everything he could. I felt like his idea of love, and what he often said “it’s a choice” is that love is just picking one person you will be loyal to forever, no matter what happens. To me, that is marriage, in the relationship I did feel like he assumed we would be together forever before I ever agreed to that. Like him not wanting me to move out, and even being ok with the idea of having a child, he was just sold completely on this relationship that I felt like needed so much work, and he just thought was all great. Another reason I felt unseen, he thought I was worrying about things that didn’t matter when it came to communication errors in our relationship, but it does matter that he was being passive aggressive and unwilling to admit it or say what was really bothering him.

Curious what you think of all this.

Seaturtle

*(Laughing emoji) at the bees knees

Dear Anita,

“Also, I like you very much, and was hoping..!! that we keep communicating, so glad to receive your message!”

I am thankful that we can communicate so honestly. I am seeking a therapist but often I feel therapists are afraid to set their patient off, so they avoid very confrontational conversations, but that is what I want and need. I don’t want someone to tell me I am always right and to set boundaries everywhere, I want to get stronger and open this third eye as wide as I can! even when it is hard.

Hope you have a lovely walk and no more freezing toes!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“The first shift, as I remember it, was when you described the cash and C word incidents. I then thought that the reason you complained about lesser things in regard to N’s behaviors (ex., N not getting your jokes, not his fault at all, really) was because you didn’t want to face the bigger faults in regard to N’s behaviors, or misbehaviors.”

I thought the same.

“This shift led to discussing N as a spider, motivated instinctually to keep you too weak so that you don’t leave his web, seeing him as a controlling person.. aka the bad guy in the relationship.”

“..it occurred to me that I was wrong: N was not the controlling party in the relationship, you were: you stated it yourself, that the date nights were about what you wanted to do, etc., and you suggested that maybe you were narcissistic.”

When the narrative shifted to N being controlling, it was not something I had thought of him before. I remember questioning that perspective of him, but I could see it in some ways. For example him being late, I did feel like this was controlling in some way, that he to a degree was purposely being late to show some sort of power dynamic. To show that he would not be controlled, he was also so anti-controlling that I did not think he would be himself. He hated to be controlled, and I witnessed him go against that grain and I felt he was doing that with me. Which is why it does make sense that perhaps I was controlling in the relationship, but I also simultaneously feared that I was. I also thought that he would not allow me to be controlling, that he was strong headed enough to point out when I was, because it was the reality check that would make me stop and look at myself. I did not want someone who just did what I wanted, because that inevitably creates resentment and I tried so hard to avoid that in the relationship by communicating with him best I could. I would ask him all the time, “is this what you want?” and he was irritated by that question. I tried to ask him how things I did made him feel and he literally did not know how to answer those questions, so I just kept doing my own thing.

Growing up feeling unseen, I learned, that if I don’t put myself out there then I didn’t deserve to be seen, why would someone see me when I said nothing. So I learned to put myself out there. By “myself,” I mean my thoughts/preferences/feelings. Just like on family trips where my dad called me selfish if the restaurant that I “preferred” was picked. I put myself out there with N best as I could, early in the relationship when I fell in love, I wanted him to understand what he was signing up for with me, who I was. I did not want a relationship where he didn’t meet all of me till later. Like my parents, they were in love, but my mom hid her past and a huge part of her, she showed it to my dad 3 years into marriage, and he told her “I never would have married you had I known this about you.” At 3 years old my parents should have divorced but they stuck it out, no favor to me witnessing them fighting all the time.

My number one fear after falling in love with N was that he would reject me at some point, so to prevent that I told him everything, all my thoughts. He did not tell me his, he did not volunteer information about himself to me, I had to pry it out of him, in “deep” conversations that “exhausted” him. Because my preferences, thoughts, and feelings, were out there, yes that impacted, or maybe even “controlled” the things we did. But I did not want it that way, I begged him to show me who he really was so that I could be there for him. But there are only so many questions I could ask him, I even bought a game for us, it was a couples game with questions to initiate a deeper understanding, he refused to bring them with us on trips, he liked them at first but as soon as the questions got more intimate he would be irritated when I brought up the cards. He rejected therapy, I wanted to go not just to understand him better, but I was willing to have that therapist say what I was doing wrong as well, but he would not go with me.

“There was another thing, you kept saying that you are an empath, big on empathy for others, and yet, lately, I asked myself: where is it?”

When I say I am an empath I say so for these reasons: 1-When I am around a deeply depressed person, happy person, or anyone in an intense emotion I can feel it too. When I step into a room I can sense what emotions are around me, and I base my friends and environment preferences on these feelings. 2-I feel peoples pain, like if I witness someone being spoken to mean, I can feel it and won’t stand for it. I can’t even watch certain movies if someone is being treated badly I can feel it too intensely.

I do thing my empathy has it’s limits though. I have always struggled to have empathy for people in situations they could get out of. For example a relationship, my friend P, I have a hard time having empathy for her because I knew that guy was bad news the first time I met him, so to me I do feel she walked right into what she got. I also think my breakup with N gave me a sense of superiority, I am realizing now and do not think this is right, but I can admit that now watching others talk about their relationships I have less empathy for them, leaving N was the hardest thing I have ever done, relationally, and if I can do it why can’t they. To me I feel like, stop complaining and leave if he is calling you bad names and treating you badly…so here I lack empathy and feel my decision making is superior..

I agree with everything you said in this paragraph:

“So, now, I am quite embarrassed for having vilified N- it was wrong of me to do so, and I don’t want to do this again, not here in your thread and not elsewhere. What I am now inclined to think (from the totality of what you shared, which I did not re-read) is that N has very low self-esteem, that he is highly addicted to weed which keeps him mellow and unreactive (the Teflon brain we discussed), that he is a people pleaser, perhaps codependent, and still, I think, not a good partner for you (for his weed use, if nothing else). And I think that you are not a good partner for him. I think that the cash and C word incidents were a couple of times when he was not able to do the Teflon thing/ to be mellow (you mentioned that at those incidents, he wasn’t on weed, if I recall correctly), so he sort of.. verbally exploded.”

-The day the narrative shifted for you majorly and you said you could not longer speak about N and I should leave that relationship, I read it with a grain of salt. Because of course, my decisions are my responsibility. I don’t think I felt as strongly as you did that N was the only villain in the relationship, but I ended it because of everything I wrote above about communication and the weed addiction that surely impacted that.

“I know that following some therapy and hard work, you will be able to have a healthy relationship with a man who is suitable for you.”

Before reading this I actually researched my insurance coverage and sent a request to a therapist in my network.

 “I think that you need to turn a new leaf and that N should get help with his weed abuse ad wit his self-esteem and assertion skills.”

I agree I need to turn a new leaf, I feel rushed to do so.. I wanted to be the best me and I am finding it harder in this moment than I have before.

” got to take on more humility, to be willing to be equal to others instead of superior. Start or restart your journey as a person equal to others, other people being equal (not inferior) to you.”

I agree with this. I do not want to feel superior to others, but I do and I don’t know why. This is such a strange concept to me because if I really face myself I do think I make better decisions than many others and have more awareness than, F for one. I believe that I am special and unique but I am also insecure that I am the only one that thinks that, which is probably true.

my dad reminded me quite often I was not“- and you tried to prove your father wrong..?

-Perhaps, I have not fully considered this before.

“how does he see the world (summarized)?”

I feel N is driven by fear that he will need others. In this fear of needing others, he gives (is generous) to others in order to feel better about potentially needing them. N is a peacekeeper, he wants the people around him to get along, more than he cares about this own feelings and desires. My analysis would be that he cared SO much about what his parents felt, and wanted them to get along so badly that he ignored all of his own needs and took care of them. He grew up so far from his own feelings that he doesn’t even know what they are, and it has been so long since he thought about them that now they are all in a big scary box he is afraid to open. I think he justifies keeping that box closed by lying to himself, telling himself that it is mental strength to not let your feelings control you, which it may be but nowhere in that is the rule to not even look at them. N loves the outdoors, and doing things that FORCE him to be present with his current feelings, cause that is all the feeling he can handle at a time. He enjoys risky things that he knows he will survive, but he knows will challenge his survival. He would spend days in the mountain with his dad, climbing the mountain and then skiing down, freezing and dangerous. He loves being in survival mode, where his mind shuts up (he uses weed to have the same affect). Survival mode where all he needs to worry about is warmth and food like a caveman.

Earlier when we spoke of me being controlling, when he wanted to do survival mode things, sometimes I was into it, I love snowboarding and camping, but other times I was not in to what he wanted to do. I thought it was pointless to put ourselves in such an uncomfortable situation, so I controlled the situation so that he didn’t take me there. For example the shroom incident. He gave us way too much, at first I thought it was not his fault, he didn’t know how much either it was just a mistake. After, I thought more factually… he has done this more than 2 times before, he knew it was my first time… he knew to some degree how much we were taking, but it was his desire to be in this survival mode that made him WANT that intense situation to happen. That intense situation that he took me to, a place I did not feel safe. I bring that situation up so often because it was the first time real doubt and fear entered my mind about the relationship.

N cares deeply about the people around him and wants everyone to get along, he brings people together with his amazing cooking and his generosity that attracts others. He likes to think about conspiracy theories, as do I. He is goofy when he is comfortable, but he is not trying to be goofy. He is not a class clown, he isn’t the one trying to make others laugh, he is the one to tell someone else to tell another person the funny story so they can laugh too! He is a very hard worker, if he wants something in the sport or financial world he will go get it.

He doesn’t like losing people… he was really impacted by one of his friends leaving without a word last year, the friend was in the drug world and I think was disappointed when N didn’t want to do cocaine and just left. I don’t think I was right for N either, but he was too afraid to lose me to even consider not staying together forever. I think he would more likely compartmentalize our relationship, only speak to me certain times of the day and just keep me out of his life, then to end the relationship. That is what I saw happening between us, it is not that I wanted all of his attention or to be the only one in his life, but I was slowly becoming less of a focus and the further he got the more I felt it and asked him and he denied it.

He wanted to be close to people. He forgave before he would leave… I also think N has an addictive behavior, he over indulges in things he likes. If it felt good then he would do it, his self restraint was not strong. It was this way for our sex life, I am more into anticipation and he would not last one minute before just ripping off my clothes, a couple times more aggressively than I was comfortable with. He is also a gentle giant. N isn’t someone I felt would harm me physically, and if he ever did it was a complete accident, but he did struggle with the word no, or me telling him to stop if he was being too harsh while playful.

N puts others feelings over his own. He once told me he admired that I was not that way, that I was able to say no to things that I felt were going to drain me too much, as he did not have this self control. His need to make others happy, and my desire to make him happy I think was uncomfortable for him. I think he also tried to group me in with him, after a certain amount of time being two separate people dating, we started to become a group, him and me. Grouped together he did not like that I didn’t always want to do what would make others happy, I had to convince him that him and I needed space to talk and it didn’t matter if that hurt his roommates feelings. His roommate did not have the sense to understand and that wasn’t our fault, N’s other friend D was much more respectful of me and N also having our alone time, N’s roommate I found disrespectful and unaware, but N put up with it. So when N and I were just two independent beings dating, he admired that I took care of myself over others sometimes, but once we became closer, and I started to want him to be selfish with me, he no longer admired that trait I had. He wanted to continue to people please and I didn’t.

I think I could go on about N but I will stop because this message is starting to feel quite long.

Have a good evening Anita,

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Yes, to answer your question it was about 11pm-midnight here that I was responding. I have had trouble falling asleep the past week, I believe it is because with my surgery recovery I can’t expend all my energy during the day since I can’t even walk very fast so I am just not tired at the end of the day. I was lying in bed wondering about our conversation and decided to read, then unlike other messages I have read beforehand, I felt I needed to respond and wanted to understand but now I will wait for further response on your part before I break down more of the message because I feel threatened by it. Not to say you’re wrong I just fear the implications and how could I be something I so badly don’t want to be? I have tried so hard to be objective with myself, and look at myself when it is uncomfortable because I don’t want to be unaware of how I impact others let alone impact others negatively.

seaturtle

When I say more depth on his end I mean vulnerability and communicating his feelings. I wanted to connect on those levels. I feel like I tried so hard to minimize my expectations and give myself a reality check that my partner is not meant to be my everything. I tried to focus on the positives and work through it but I couldn’t get over the lack of authenticity and depth