Dear Anita, I am about to go to bed but am having some last minute thoughts before my trip. Tomorrow morning I am flying home for one day to see my little sisters dance performance. My dad actually asked me if I was going and when I said I wasn’t sure he asked if a ticket would help and I said yes I could make the time! Very excited to see her.

however, I think this N thing is going to, in the end, be something that helps me take another step into validating hatches feelings about F. Coming to the realization of N’s gaslighting and emotional manipulation has made me see him in a totally new light. As I talked about in a previous post. A couple weeks ago I was excited for my dad to pick me up and to hangout until my sisters performance, but now I feel anxious. My dad even just texted me “so excited to hang” with two kissing emojis. He has learned how to talk to me in order to make me feel comfortable, I assume similar to N’s tactics in making me feel loved. It feels false suddenly and I am having a hard time because I don’t want to be inauthentic, but I also don’t want to put hatch in her cage 🙁

I need some tips how to deal with my dad in a kind but way that protects me. We have only a few hours together, then I will see my mom and sister who I feel safer with.

goodnight Anita 🌝

Seaturtle and hatch

Oh and good morning Anita! 🙂 🌞 (suppose to rn a sun emoji let’s see if it works)

Dear Anita,

This morning I woke up with more clarity. I remember the time while I lived with N, I think I told you about here. We were just sitting on the couch, no previous argument, all was fine to me. The previous day he saw over my shoulder when I was looking at my bank account and it was pretty much empty as I waited for my next paycheck. He has recently helped me with a medical bill that had to do with birth control so both our responsibility. Anyways back to the couch, he was irritated, I said what’s wrong? He said “oh I can’t buy this trailer I need and want for work, I don’t have enough.” He looked at me with a serious face, “can you help me buy one?.” His fave was completely serious, like he wasn’t really asking me cause he knew what my bank account looked like and that he had just spent a lot of money on the birth control. I felt so uncomfortable and badly, I just kinda like said “no?” Like in my response obviously? And he just returned to his phone. Next day I told him that that made me very uncomfortable given the circumstances and he said “oh baby no, you thought I meant that? No it was just a joke! Hahaha no baby” and hugged me.

the amount of this gaslighting I have gone through! It is angering. I wish I brought this up in the breakup, wish I could text him this now but I absolutely wouldn’t start that.

seaturtle

Dear Anita,

– reads like he had a revelation, that he found out something he didn’t know before. Looking completely defeated and stunned in regard to the cash story & its connection to gaslighting suggests that something happened (within his crown chakra..) that would lead him to look further into what so completely defeated and stunned him.

-This sounds right, that he had a revelation and basically reevaluated the way he thought of the situation, but still trying to figure out how to reevaluate in a way where he would have to take no responsibility.

From psychology today (in my Dec 1 post), gaslighting involves: “1. Lie … 2. Repetition. Like psychological warfare, the falsehoods are repeated.. 4. Wear Out the Victim.”

-which is what happened at our dinner on Monday night.

“I am not an expert on humor and jokes and yet, I am confident that there was absolutely no humor and no jokes in that situation.”

Me too.

“But if he repeats that the above was a joke.. If you give him more time in your life to repeat the lie.. you are likely to believe it more and more, being worn down by the persistence and repetition of the lie.”

I can see this still happening within myself which is a strange thing. I have attempted to be in communication with my higher self ever since I had my first revelation about this concept in 2021, while I was already with N. Like I mentioned before, he met a different more gullible version of me. Ever since this revelation I have had some extra clarity about things, but almost as if it is sometimes wisdom, that I see but I see it like a quote that I don’t yet relate to. You know how you can give someone all the advice you want, but they need to be ready to hear it. If they aren’t they don’t. My higher self has been giving me messages to leave the relationship since the beginning of this year, since I first posted on here. But I wasn’t ready to hear it. But it is almost as if I could sense it coming and was subconsciously and consciously preparing myself for it. The part of me that wasn’t ready to hear it, tried so hard to mend the “miscommunication.” Saying to myself “if only I could communicate my feelings better, he will surely understand and not repeat those actions that hurt my feelings” and “perhaps my dad is why I have these feelings, I can fix my feelings and THEN our relationship will work.” But as I was doing all this “hyper-meditation” with a dimmed crown chakra, simultaneously my higher self was taking care of me, because I asked her to. I asked for guidance in this relationship so much.

I am attempting to unite the two, my earthly self and higher self. But my earthly self (or sea-bound self cause I am Seaturtle, hahah 😉 ) my earthly self has a door open to “maybe he was really joking, and I completely misunderstood him!, how sad, i have empathy for him because I know what it means to be misunderstood and If I did that and left/abandoned him…enter guilt” I know this door is open and I want to work hard to not let this actually become something that I even give attention, although I already have, I want to shut that door.

My higher self has prepared me for this breakup, and I hope that my current state of calm, is not temporary and just a delay in intense pain.

Dec 7 (I will be reading and replying to one sentence before reading the next): “I want to stop worrying about how he is feeling but I am not quite sure how”- first, understand that how he appears to be feeling is not how he feels. For example, in the above- he nodded, appearing to understand or try to understand, but he didn’t; he appeared defeated and stunned but he was not.

-We had each others location, on an app, for safety and other helpful reasons. He removed me on his location last night. I have done nothing online yet, such as do all the social media picture deleting and unfollowing etc.. Just because I don’t want to rub salt in the wound for him and I also am perhaps not ready to hit delete on the happy memories I posted. Anyways, after I saw he stopped allowing me to see his location I was wondering how he was feeling. Because I did check it to make sure he drove home safely, I was worried. And when I looked he was at a marijuana dispensary, proof he will avoid the thought of me as much as he can? But after that the location was off. He is not one to go out to clubs or anything, he is an introvert. Anyways, not sure how healthy it is I think of his feelings this much as he is clearly not doing it for me and I should be focusing my energy on me now, I used enough energy on him.

“I just find myself wanting to know if he’s ok and how he feels when he sees things that remind him of me like the engravings on his wallet I made or the screensaver on his phone”- you are projecting what you feel into him. If the two of you were similar, such a projection would likely be quite accurate, but the two of you are too different for your projection to be accurate.

-I see. Is it projecting though if I think I know him well enough to know he probably changed the screensaver in the parking lot before he drove away from my apartment, as he looks at his phone every 10 minutes for work things. Also I bet he through that wallet out the window, because he probably thinks what I engraved is a lie now. Again though, not sure these thoughts are healthy and if I should allow them to take my energy.

You kept explaining to him how his words made you feel, assuming that he cared about how you feel, but “He said ‘words don’t mean sh*t, get that through your head” (Nov 24)- your words too are included in “words”. Your words about how you feel. don’t mean sh*t to him.

-Yea this hurts to read, actually I laughed after reading “assuming that he cared about how you feel.” Just crazy this could be true.

“– hatchling needs to be held and hugged and made to feel safe. It is Seaturtle’s job to see to it that hatchling is not being held and hugged by just anyone, so that she doesn’t get hurt. Seaturtle needs to evaluate: who is this person.. what is he about?”

– Seaturtle needs to evaluate about who? about n? I feel exhausted of the evaluation I have already done about him, I am curious to know why this would help?

“the two of you are too different to be soulmates. His dishonesty makes it impossible for him to be anyone’s soulmate.”

This makes me sad for him.

“You’ve been in love with him for too long, and so, you’ve been motivated to see him positively, in a way that would comfort you.. (not the way he truly is).”

This makes sense. Crazy feeling is I feel more at peace and calm today than I have in a long time. I hope it is not temporary and just my mind making me numb to the emotions. As when a child experiences something traumatic they feel nothing because their psyche cannot handle it, then the emotions appear later in life.

“We met on Tinder, he was late for the first date, but I didn’t mind.. since it’s not like he knew who he was being late for, lol, my logic anyways” (4th sentence, July 29)-

– Do you know who you’ve been on time for in the last couple of years?

-Yea this could have been my first sign, even him literally missing our third date. But he really made me feel like he felt so bad for that and apologized so much and sincerely asked for another chance. I don’t know if I want to re-live the whole relationship though, because I already went through it.

I would like to go through this breakup as healthy as possible, and the way I can get the most growth out of it. I want to do the bare minimum I need to as far as thinking about why he does things. I thought about this SO much while we were together that now I just am tired of it, but I will do what I need to properly grieve this relationship. A part of me just wants to move on and just focus on me now and not hear his name again, but I don’t know if this temporary either, maybe it is just because I do not miss him yet.

” I think that he knows how attached you have been to him for so long, so he’s playing it cool, waiting for you to break and get back to him.. or he contacts you with more appearances of feeling defeated, stunned and whatnot, knowing that a big part of you is very motivated to believe what ever he says because (that big part of you) does not want to break up with him. I think that he feels that he invested in you too much (money, time, whatnot), and he is not willing to give up on his investment.”

I agree. He was playing it cool, and also tried to have the last word too but it didn’t work because I did not care.

A couple more details on the actual breakup, if you would like to read. I started by saying that I re-evaluated our dinner date and how he took no responsibility by the end. Then he said the part where he was still joking about the cash, I shut that down. He tried to defend himself and I stopped him to say I would no longer put up with him hurting my feelings “accidentally” or not. New detail, he then said “wow you are really breaking up with me right now” then he said “you are really breaking up with me about hurting your feelings?” at this point I just said “if that is what you are taking from this I don’t really know what else to say” then he was very quiet, pouting like a little kid just looked annoyed and wanted to leave. I then said “I had more to say, I have been thinking about this for a while, but thoughts aren’t all coming to my head right now” and he then said “I am just over this conversation.” Anita you know what is wild to me, he went from “baby no I was just joking” to completely emotionless and irritated within one minute. He then said “well are you gonna walk me back or stay here” I said “I will walk back with you.” His wallet and keys were in my apartment, and I already had his clothes in a bag. He said “wow clothes already packed up.” then I said “do you want the bread maker your mom bought you?” he said “yes” in an annoyed tone. I got it out for him. He then said “yea give me the game cube too” we bought that together but at this moment I wasn’t thinking of that and just wanted his energy away from me. He dropped the bag off clothes by me, I put the gamecube in. As i was packing he said “So like what am I suppose to do in a future relationship” surprised by the question my reaction was “i don’t know, be more aware of her feelings and treat her more gently” he said “so you really think I wasn’t gentle enough with you?” still in an annoyed tone. I did not respond. Just kept my head down, packing. I went to hand him the bag and he did this weird twist with his hand to avoid touching mine. He looked at me, emotionless, defeated and annoyed “well I guess.. goodluck” I just nodded and quietly said “same,” then he turned and left with is things.

When I packed his things a few days ago I put the poem I wrote in the bottom of the bag. My roommate suggested taking it out said he wouldn’t understand it, but I thought about it a few times and just decided to leave it, nothing to lose for me and perhaps some closure for him. It did not feel wrong to me. But I doubt he will even unpack that bag for a while he is not one to unpack quickly at all.

I do worry about him reaching out to convince me to come back. I also worry about him impulsively sending me a rude message about me owing him. Not sure. I hope has enough love and respect for me to not do these things but I am honestly not sure.

Seaturtle

I got that answer from https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/chakras-yoga-for-beginners/intro-sahasrara-crown-chakra/

It’s over, I did it in person but I made it fast. I basically brought up how he still hadn’t taken responsibility for the things I told him that hurt me like the cash situation and he literally continued on about it being a joke. He said when he was a kid he would laugh when he was disciplined and so now he makes jokes in order to better ask questions and now he literally said he was joking pretending to be an interrogator when he asked about the cash… I saw behind it all and then went on to say his carelessness with my feelings was the end of our relationship. I will add more tomorrow, for now I hope to keep my mind from playing a positive reel about him. I cried immediately after he left, hyper ventilating a bit but it stopped and now I feel kind of numb. My roommate is bringing me frozen yogurt. His only response other than excuses was as he was getting the remainder of his things here and asked “is this really what you want?” And I said “when I am not in my emotions yes.” There were little words, he said good luck as he left.