Dear Anita,

” I am the last person in the world.. well, one of the last to ask about making money because of lack of personal experience and interest in the matter of making or earning money”

I feel the same way, how do you do this? that is why I don’t even like the word money, I try to use instead “means to do things.” The idea of participating in so many ways this world wants us to to earn “money” does not feel right to me. I wish I could just go to a store pic out a sewing machine and fabrics and make clothes, but no I have to “buy” them, I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense.

“You, Seaturtle, are the most chakra vibrating in-unison member I ever communicated with here in the forums, and for a long time. “

Reading this warmed my entire body into a smile Anita, this is the best compliment I have ever received.

“So, therefore, I thought that you have something to offer many people, many thousands, maybe much more, particularly perhaps young people who feel lost in the world of conflict, war and a climate that’s becoming hotter, drier and/ or crazy.”

At first when I read “seaturtle the influencer” I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think alot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights, and when you watch it you may wonder why your life isn’t so perfect, and how they look is how you should look and such. But I do follow some influencers that bring me joy and healing, and you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea, but I am not sure how to start. (Asking myself, not necessarily seeking you to answer here) I wonder, do I start with talking about how to spot someone gaslighting you? I wonder what my friends and family will think (but I don’t want to put much weight here and try not to) Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me,,

“She weighed 187 lbs. before the removal, and 75 lbs.”

My goodness this sounds insane!

“I can see how you- even if you are able to follow such instructions- you wouldn’t, being a free spirit, not wanting to submit to rules (dance rules)?”

Right. My sister is an amazing dancer and she is at a level of dance where she can express herself, but in very advanced techniques. My technical dance is level zero, haha I don’t have the flexibility or knowledge to do what she does, but I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel. I used to do this in middle school/ high school. My friends and I were all athletes and none of us were interested in alchohol, instead we would have parties with snacks, games and just a full dance party with the lights off, I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“I was told that nothing needs to be done and that those fibroids will shrink over time.”

Interesting, and whats more interesting is the majority of women I have told about the ovarian tumor have had one before too! or at least a relative who did, I am thinking they are very common but my issue is it is so large because I didn’t have my first ultrasound until a few months ago when it was spotted. I think it should be part of women’s yearly health to get an ultrasound, my doctor said they don’t get to 15cm over night at it has been growing for several years.

“- think of the effects of this for you, if you volunteered to a lifetime of being blocked in one way or another, leading to an across the board chakra blockage.”

True. and then again sad for him he won’t ever experience a woman who’s chakras are all open to him, a connection a partner of mine will be lucky to experience with me 😉

“- I was impressed myself with this particular crown chakra vibration that went through me.”

I love when this happens.

“- how about combining exercise and the writing (typing) of Love Poems. I remember the one you shared here, I liked it!”

Hmm this is an interesting idea and sounds like it would be a great combination, but I am struggling to get a vision of what exactly this would look like. How to combine exercise and art… I wonder if this was what yoga was providing me with. I have yet to go to another class do to the costs, but I do miss it and think it certainly was healing to my sacral and likely my heart as well! Oh this actually reminds me of the cycling class I used to go to back in washington, I have tried some in my new state but they aren’t as fun as the one I found there. That place was full of good people and they made the cycling into a dance, it was alot of fun, I miss it. I stopped doing it once i met N…perhaps cause he took over for my sacral and heart, something I got used to him providing and now I must find myself. Dancing sounds fun too, but like free style dancing with loud music and people, I’ve taken dance classes and I don’t like to be told how to dance ha. A concert would be alot of fun, but the cost of all these things is more than I have at the moment, after I get my surgery done and recovered I will look into adding another part time job to my schedule for the means to do fun things. I would love to find something I could create that would make money. I am open to ideas.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“– this is the first time you are sharing about this.. Is it a non-intrusive surgery aka a minimally invasive procedure? Are you scared, has it been on your mind a lot (although you didn’t share about it)?”

I found out about it just before coming to this platform so I was already out of the emotions of it and didn’t need feel like I needed to process it further. It was a shock when I learned about it, but the fact it was benign and could be removed microscopically, I haven’t been worried about it. Although my surgeon just called me this evening to tell me that my blood work came back inconclusive and so I have two options. She can remove the whole ovary tomorrow, which according to medical studies and her 30 years of work doesn’t affect fertility. The cool part is that the other ovary adjusts and takes on the tasks of both ovaries, however sometimes it can result in slightly less estrogen production (my only concern with this option). My second option is to wait, get an mri to get conclusive results whether it has any cancerous potencio al, if it comes back negative the surgeon could try to separate the tumor from the ovary, however her and the specialist said I would likely lose most if not all of the ovary that way anyways due to its size.
I check in at 11am tomorrow and have a chance to talk further with the surgeon so I will ask her the hormonal questions I have then, but for now I am leaning on getting it all removed, mostly because I just want it out and an mri sounds expensive. I will sleep on it as well. I also didn’t know the surgery was tomorrow until a couple days ago, I knew it was sometime in January but it is sooner than I thought. Until her call with me this evening about the inconclusive blood work, I haven’t been stressed about it, but now that I have a decision to make I am a little stressed, especially a decision I have hours to make.

My roommate is driving me and when I went to tell her we ended up chatting for a long time, why I’m awake so late. Anyways at first the conversation was about the surgery, she’s a nurse so she did have some good input as well and her opinion is to get it all removed since the effects of working off one are minimal. She was helpful. Then however our conversation went in to talking about the guy she is currently talking to, and has been for about two months. We spent new years with him and his friends, he is 34 and his friends were around his age ranging to 42. M and I talked about how it’s just funny we didn’t picture our new years being going to a party with people 20 years older than us haha. But it was fun. Anyways her guy is a professional basketball player and just left yesterday to go play in Africa for 5 months, so she is missing him. Her missing him, and telling me about it had weird affects on me about N. I found myself trying to reminisce with her, alot of the qualities that her guy has are very similar to N’s nice qualities. One being physically attractive. She reminisced in their sexual intimacy and I trailed off with her about the good parts. I think it’s healthy to be able to express the good parts right? Or is that destructive for me? I am not missing N. But I do feel I miss parts, which is not all of him so I don’t want all of him but It made feel afraid my future partner wouldn’t be as good as some of N’s good qualities… I hope this fades with time and I do not begin to compare in a future relationship, perhaps if I am comparing I wasn’t ready to move on in the first place..

At first I was gonna go to bed, but I ended up on Pinterest, my favorite app haha, and it led me to a quote that resonated with me and said “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” The quote made me feel like I was feeling something I was unaware of, and this forum is where I usually come to express and understand myself more so I came here to write about how I’m feeling.

I am a little indecisive about the surgery and want to make the right decision. But simultaneously I am feeling what I wrote above about N. Oh there is also something I have been grappling I haven’t mentioned here yet, at first I just didn’t think it was a big deal cause I felt I had it under control, but it lead to discovering something else. I texted N on New Years Eve, I don’t regret what I said it was what I was authentically thinking and feeling I said:

“Happy new years Nathan
I deeply miss all the good moments we’ve had..
especially our new years together, both years.
This is not easy by any means at all.. but I still believe it is best.
We will connect again soon for some loose ends but until then I truly wish you the best”

I was feeling very sentimental the entire day as that was a holiday that we always took a vacation for and on vacation he would come out of the world a bit for me and we would have some deep conversation and connect more. Problem was he was no longer that person when we were in the real world and would say he didn’t have time for it, he became fearful of conversation again once we would come back to normal life, the majority of our time together. Anyways I feel like I’m trying to defend myself a bit over what you may be thinking.

Anyways the whole reason I bring this up is because the message never sent, and the only reasons a message doesn’t send on an IPhone is either because you are out of service or the other person blocked your number. This is the only contact I’ve had since the breakup, but I’ve also known that I would have to eventually because I left some valuable things at his house that I remembered after. For example…my passport is there hidden in a drawer. Also my snowboarding gear which is easier to let go of, but it is very expensive materials. Although the passport is my main concern. So another thing I’m feeling right now is some anxiety in how I will get that passport if he did indeed block my number.. also why he would do that, you block someone who has done something terrible or won’t leave you alone and I’ve never been either of those things. Perhaps he was just upset I didn’t contact him to change my mind within the weeks after and decided to take some control, something he did not have at all in our separation. I am not sure how this will play out so I am a bit anxious. I will likely have to message his roommate, to give N a warning that I will be there for my things. If he did in fact block me I would expect nothing less that immature attitude which I would not match. And fortunately I don’t need my passport at the moment so I still plan to wait a while, until I feel it’s right, before I try to get it back. But I also worry the longer I wait that he could get rid of my snow gear :/ which is just a bummer but not worth going prematurely. Part of me even looks forward to confidently walking in there for my things and confidently walking out, cause I am sure of my decision and maybe I want him to see that? I mean he has to know since I didn’t contact him in the few weeks after, the typical timeframe if I was gonna go back on my decision. I had to have my mom text him for my flight information so that I didn’t have to, cause I wasn’t ready then. I sent her the message to copy and paste for my information and after he sent it had her tell him that I thought direct communication wasn’t best for now but that we would meet eventually to tie some loose ends (referring to my snow gear at the time I hadn’t yet realized my passport was there until last night I remembered). I had my mom tell N that because I felt bad…and maybe this is something I need to fix in myself because I often remember your metaphor at the danger for the rabbit to have sympathy for a mountain lion (seaturtle and shark). However I still do sometimes, I can’t help but think about the fun and good times that we did have, I think about that version of N and I feel sad for him and even in my heart want to be there for him. Then I think about the reasons I ended things and the other side of him that was manipulative and gaslighting and I have anger towards that version then there’s the fact he didn’t see me, those reasons are why I trust myself not to go back to him, so I don’t fear sending him that message on new years or having my mom text him. But the good side, I feel sorry for. We had good moments that I wanted to pause time to stay in, I think it had more to do with the honeymoon high of loving someone that I wanted to pause though… not necessarily something memorable he did.

I just sense that I see him again for a brief moment to get my things and I am anxious for how exactly it will go. However I know there are options to like have a friend go get it for me but what’s this part of me that wants to go do it myself and let him see me again and what he lost.
As I write this is doesn’t sound the healthiest and I do see flaws, but what’s so interesting about the place of life I’m in right now is it’s like I have access to my higher self vibrations at times but I am not always there, I am certainly at low and medium vibrations the same amount of time. I think I maybe get paths crossed when it comes to pleasure and what is actually the best. Cause aren’t I just a robot if I am always just doing what is best? Isn’t the human part of us that wants to go do something because it makes us feel something? What are the benefits of always doing the correct thing… a higher vibration I suppose, but why does that sound boring sometimes. Anita as much as this is hard to say and even admit to myself right now I enjoy the drama sometimes. But I wish I didn’t if that makes it better haha. I also see people around me enjoying much much more drama than makes sense to me, but then that’s judgmental of me to even think, and comparison is a thief of joy, yet I do it.
I am not sure why I feel so open right now, perhaps the time of night. I wonder if these are thoughts I will resonate with still when I feel in a higher vibration… that is interesting, and perhaps a major tip for journaling. I am wondering if I should send this message or if it is just a complete ramble that I should keep to myself. But perhaps it would be even more helpful to my growth to hear another persons perspective on some of my mind trails.

I feel like I could keep going and continue to type my inner dialogue but I am seeing the time and can’t believe how late I am awake. I will let you know the updates on my surgery tomorrow, I am still undecided.

goodnight Anita,

thoughtful seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I am looking forward to a day to myself tomorrow and will be online in the morning to respond to your reply 🙂 today was my first day at a new job so I didn’t have the time/energy but I am trying to get on a more consistent schedule very soon!

seaturtle

Happy New Year Anita!!!!!!! fireworks emojis everywhere!

Dear Anita,

I’d like to preface this message by journaling my current feelings. In order to prepare to go out with my friends tonight, I let myself sleep in as much as possible this morning, until noon! It felt nice, I woke up quiet and peaceful, but lying in bed awake it was not long before missing N occurred again, the uninvited good memories. I decided that meant it was time to get out of bed, I cleaned a bit and did a neck and shoulder yoga, as I felt tight in my neck. This day is very nostalgic, I have very vivid memories of our new years eve’s together, it reminds me of our first road trip together, 5 months into the relationship. On the trip we faced a lot of obstacles, his truck spun out, but he saved it, then his transmission fell out! we waited 10 hours for a tow truck. The drive was from Seattle to Las Vegas, where he went to college and had friends, whom I liked to spend time with as well. Through the obstacles of the trip we bonded. There was a moment we weren’t sure if we would make it by new years eve, but we pushed through and made it. We were so relieved and that day felt so connected, there were moments we were both there for the other when the other was losing hope.. it was one of the highlights of the relationship, that trip. We met each-others friends and all felt like it fit like a glove. This morning I feel like I am in a medium vibration, the sadness is bringing me down but the memories are happy.. I just miss the friend I had in N and it is actually the first holiday that we spent together both years, that I am not seeing him. What I mean is, we never actually spent christmas day together, the first one we spent before Christmas, the first time I told him I loved him. The second christmas he visited my family after. But thanksgiving, new years, halloween and valentines day, were days we spent together, so this new years is the first holiday tradition without him. It is like his ghost is here (this made tears come to my eyes). Anyways this is the version of Seaturtle who is responding today.

You wrote, “In that quieting, the vibrations of your heart chakra and your sacral chakra become louder and louder, and you yearn for connection and romance.” I like that you are speaking in terms of chakras because I am curious about them, I am interested to know what made you want to do the research on them?

You wrote ” – (1) as a boy, he did or would have done anything and everything to become who his mother/ father wanted him to be. As an adult, he would adjust somewhat to a romantic partner (ex., SAY what she wants him to say, apologize) but not change.”

-I wonder, if we can’t truly change, then why do some of us? I feel like I have changed in many ways, and I know I am a curious person who wants to learn and be better, something N lacks. However, as far as human sociology/psychology goes, why am I more capable of change than him?

” There is always something good underneath any feeling…your desire to be SEEN, a strong and frustrated desire that you had in the relationship with him.”

This makes me hopeful but this “good” thing underneath my feelings, my desire to be seen, doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe that isn’t the goal. I just want to feel hopeful but as much as my HVI believes there is someone out there that will see me in a relationship, I have a helpless voice that tells me there isn’t, this is why I have no desire to go out to clubs and what not cause there is no one there that could see me, or a very low odds, so it makes me feel hopeless. The block party shouldn’t be this way but maybe that is a reason I fear it, although my roommate is at a similar state to me she said she only wants a drink or two, and the people we are going out with is a more mature crowd she met recently.

“- you are welcome, but as I read the beginning of your next post, it led you to a bottomless pit… I will soon read the rest of that post.”

Actually by the time I was getting to bed I forgot about the video! sad.

“- heart and sacral chakras vibrating loud!”

I wonder how I can sooth these chakras.. I will look it up.

“What is likely, in my estimation, is that he will end up with another woman who will try to change him…  and fail.”

So then he will continue the self fulfilling prophecy that he is not enough?

You wrote “– for some balance/ bigger picture (I am addressing your crown chakra with the following): “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months” (July 29, 2023). Eight months back from July 29 is Nov 29, 2022, so your mind hasn’t rested last New Year, in between a few fun experiences.”

It is interesting you phrase it this way “I am addressing your crown chakra,” I think this is the answer to a lot of my internal torment. Addressing my crown chakra does pull me out of where my heart and sacral take me too far into. I won’t delete it now, but above I wrote something again about missing him this new years eve and this response is all I need for that, I feel better now than I did at this beginning of writing this post. Thank you. You are right, as much fun as NYE was, the new years did not bring me peace.

– let us bring all the parts of Seaturtle together for a discussion for the purpose of quieting that shuddering and fighting (against memories and images), and promoting comfort, the feeling of safety, and wisdom:

You wrote  “Your favorite line from the song is: “If I’m (Hatchling) not here for me/ She (Seaturtle) will be there“- Seaturtle: don’t leave hatchling alone at this time.”

-I needed this reminder

“Seaturtle’s crown chakra is needed this New Year Eve and New Year Day. It will be a good idea to start the new year with HVI provided by a hv crown chakra.”

“Would you like to tell me your thoughts this Sun morning, so that we can hopefully proceed with this discussion?”

Yes, I am sorry it is later than morning and hope to hear from you today,  but yes I would like to awaken my crown chakra further in order to stay in a high vibration in this inevitably challenging day and night.

Happy New Year’s Eve Anita!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

When I told you about my dad being selfish with his time and denying that he deserved to take any responsibility, you wrote “His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you.” Your response does resonate with me, that he did come up with his explanation after, and I believe it was this “searching for what to say” expression on his face, that caused me to just let it go, because when I see that face of “searching for what to say,” to me, what is coming out of their mouth is not authentic so there is no longer a point to continue the conversation, instead I need to just accept what it is.

And yes I am glad too! That he helped me financially.

You wrote “if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.” I agree with this wholeheartedly. It is the one hole in my confidence about ending this with him, I keep filling the hole with why we broke up and what I deserve in the future, but it feels like this hole is a bottomless pit, as I keep having to fill it! The hard part is it needs to be filled in my weakest moments, as I am about to fall asleep, when I am alone.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

-we could continue to pass this smile back and forth hahaha

“But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.”

-Not sure if it is even productive for me to be thinking about this but I have. I predict he will more likely end up with the former, a superficial relationship. Because I think he will likely shy away from someone like me, with deeper needs, since he probably won’t trust her not to end it eventually. But that superficial relationship will leave a hole in his heart, where he will remember me and he will have to fill that hole with how I never would have been fully happy with him (in his words probably that I don’t love him for who he is, with lack of change). He would need to change for a deeper relationship to be possible, but if he was going to change he would have done it for me, I don’t see why he would change for someone else… (my fear.. but a fear I am feeling shame about right now)

“I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic”

I do have darker features similar to hers actually 😉

“The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.”

-I like your analysis and agree here.

” “If I’m not here for me/ She will be there“- I don’t understand this part..? ”

-This is actually my favorite line! to me, “She” means Seaturtle. Hatchling says “If I’m not here for me, Seaturtle will be there for me” 🙂

“Look how you found me/ Searching for messages from you“- searching from messages from her, the girl you were, (the girl I was.. the boy that N was), so to become more whole, so to become high vibrational people.”

-An interesting fact is most/if not all of this artists songs were written out of the pain of a hard breakup! N found me looking for messages from him. “Look how you found me/  A broken part enough for two/ For me and you
(I love this part, “a broken heart enough for two,” I had a strong enough heart to share, until I couldn’t anymore…)

I wish I was her for good…Messages from her/ Messages to her (what it is really about and what I will always come back to and now, I hope to stay now that I am aware of her).

I watched a portion of your Christmas present, thank you 🙂 It is beautiful! It almost put me to sleep haha, I will use it when I need to wind down and maybe to go to sleep tonight! I like to pretend I am a seaturtle swimming, seeing all the beauty under there.

I missed you too Anita, I am excited to be back and continue this journey and get back to journaling here 🙂

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your compliment, it makes me feel validated that you see me and that I am growing!

“- keep your crown chakra as open as it is now, and you will avoid CB (Chakra Blocking) situations.”

-I am certainly striving for this openness and seeking ways to do so.

“– You felt at that time, for the first time, that he was careless with you. A bad trip .. could have been the totality of a lifetime with him being a bad trip…”

-When I read this it was scary because it feels true.

“In regard to seeking a Buddhist community, you wrote: “I do think that I should and will“- try with n open crown chakra.”

-I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?

“Nobody is at their top performance at all times, that’s for sure, so a seeing man will be blind at times. Look for patterns and overall seeing-ness.”

-This is helpful. Just this morning during my meditation I was asking for guidance to tell the difference between someone who is capable of seeing versus someone who is not, that appears as if they can be taught.

“– a very interesting family. Don’t try to change either part of the family: enjoy philosophy with your father’s side, and empathy, with your mother’s side. Don’t try to get your deeper needs met by any side of the family, is my strong advice. Enjoy the companionship, food and conversations. Merry Christmas!”

-Thank you for the advice I will appreciate both sides for who they are and not expect more.

-By the way, I ended up having breakfast with my dad yesterday and it went well. Although first of all he did an out of touch thing, that he often does, where he schedules something over the time with you and then needs to leave early and you ask why and he makes it like you miscommunicated. He said he had the whole day friday to do something with me then suddenly the night before he said “so I am up for anything I just have a golf round at noon.” I was frustrated and told my sister and my little sister said he did the same to her last weekend, said he would do something with her, then he canceled and went and did that thing with his girlfriend instead! I confronted him a little and asked “were these noon plans planned recently?” and he said yes and that he was under the impression I was only free in the morning, which is not exactly what was said but worked for him to believe. Instead of more confrontation I just decided to accept he was too out of touch/unaware to see his selfishness.

-We enjoyed our breakfast together and had nice conversation, it was deep and insightful about certain topics. Then I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.

“N will use your false guilt to your disadvantage. This part of you that wants to make amends to N may lead to your destruction.”

-I will keep this in mind. Also interesting, I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something. And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family.

You quoted me: There is a huge part of him that wants to be loved, his mom did not show much affection and his dad was aloof. I want him to be loved…”– (1) Hope can reawaken, (2) As you reach your hand to him (with caring, loving intentions).. he may  cut it off.

-What do you mean by hope can reawaken? When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hhope can reawaken?

“- yes, reading this had just brought a smile to my face for the first time today (and it’s almost noon!)”

-Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!

“– if your only or main chakra was the sacral chakra (the chakra associated with sexual energy, from what I read), then a highly vibrated sacral chakra would have made you the happiest woman in the world.”

-Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?

“(1)Watch that addiction to N. This addiction is not gone for good. It can awaken in a circumstance such as sitting besides him during a plane flight,”

-My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict. Soemthing actually my dad told me a long time ago that holds very true “you can predict and plan alot of things but one thing you cannot predict is how you will feel.”

-First, feeling sad/disapointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distrcated by some conflict on the airplane, then I went into my own space and when I landed I had breakfast with my Oma (grandma in German). It was her first time hearing about why the breakup happened, and I stepped in to my strength again speaking about it.

-Second, The evening. Since he was planned to be on this trip there have been moments where I am enjoying it with my sisters completely, but then I get this dose of wondering how much more comfortable I would feel if he was there to. It has continued every night I have been here.

-Third, before my breakfast with my dad where he gave me the money I needed to feel safe, whenever I was anxious about money I would miss N, not because he would pay for things, there is no way I would have let him pay my rent. I just missed him saying “it will all be okay just enjoy your time with your family, we will figure it out.” As I am typing I realize the answer is for me to say that to myself… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him.

-Fourth, when we are having fun. Whenever my sibblings (with hometown friends/cousins) and I are having the most fun, I find myself wishing N was here to experince the joy.

I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you.

I wonder how you liked the song/music video?

Merry Christmas!

I hope my inconsistent messages are not causing you stress?

Seaturtle