I loved this book, it was inspiring and moving

At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces

Book by Donald Collins and Mary Collins

Dear Anita

The last post , November 8th  was a link to the pdf of Kate Bornstein’s My  Gender Workbook.

I’m glad that the call him hunter link has a photo of Hunter that resembles T, that’s so cool 😎

Some things I learned along the way of my gender identity transition (advice for T):

-it’s okay to feel anxiety when starting out and feel confused when transitioning. there’s no set time frame for you to do things, listen to your feelings and do what makes you comfortable. you might feel a bit unsure about pronouns and during social transitioning when you first start out and that’s okay, you’re valid and special.

-there is no age limit that a person can identity as transgender. most children develop a sense of gender identity at age 5. although if children are under 18, sometimes medical doctors recommend puberty blockers if the child is certain that they are transgender because puberty blockers can be stopped if the child feels uncertain about their transition and side effects aren’t lasting.

-some people have access to more resources growing up so they will learn about gender identity at early ages then others. so if you don’t know much about transgender people it’s okay to take time and look for resources to build your knowledge.

-a therapist is very helpful when struggling with gender dysphoria or feelings of anxiety. therapy can significantly improve mental health and reduce risk of suicides and long-term health risks like depression and trauma.

-many transgender people experience body discomfort when they reach their teens and hit puberty. During this time gender dysphoria can be prominent. I think that this is the time that most trans people experience the most anxiety.

-don’t let your anxieties and gender dysphoria lead you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. transgender people tend to have increased risks of substance abuse and eating disorders. Support groups are very helpful and talking with trusted friends, watching youtube videos can help.

-remember to take care of yourself, do things you enjoy, go out in nature, explore career paths.

-some resources provide free legal services for transgender people to receive pro bono so they get free court sessions to legally change their names. lambalegal is a very helpful source.

-even if you’re struggling with your body, that’s okay. dress as what makes you feel comfortable, think about fun things you can do like yoga to move your body around. even if you feel dissonance (not fully connected with your body) that’s okay. oftentimes the gender of makes transgender people feel like they’re not really in their bodies, your feelings are valid. it’s hard sometimes.

-and always remember that you are loved and supported. you aren’t alone and people care about you. you don’t have to know all the answers or fully have everything figured out, take it at a pace that feels right for you.

-you are worth more than your gender dysphoria. transgender people have varying intensity of gender dysphoria and some have worse than others. remember that you’re valid, reach out for support when you need to and think about some of the things you have done that you are proud of and this can help.

-making a list of your accomplishments is helpful for when you feel upset and you can collect a list and use it to describe yourself later when you apply for job applications 😉

Anita you asked about why I didn’t really mention gender dysphoria in my early years writing this blog… I didn’t really have access to many resources growing up so I didn’t really know about gender identity and gender expression. But as I got into high school I had more freedom to explore my gender identity with lgbtq groups. Asian societies don’t really talk about mental health much and the lgbtq center in Beijing wad created in 1990s so it’s still relatively recent. I realized I was transgender when I met my trans friend Atticus (he/they) in community college. He helped me find resources and introduced me to transgender people. When I began to socially transition and where more masculine clothing and keeping my hair short, I discovered that I felt happier like I’d discovered something missing in my life.

Transgender people are starting to receive recognition in society and more youtube videos have been posted on transgender rights and transgender people sharing their experiences. I feel like most people realize that their gender dysphoria or have anxiety about their bodies in their teens and as they gather more resources they begin to understand themselves better. Not everyone has knowledge of the resources for transgender people but things are changing and people are becoming more aware of them.

Some resources are

Pflag (might allow transgender to see support groups in their area)

At the broken pieces (story about a mother and her trans son who work on building love and acceptance)

Glaad

Lamda legal

Kate Bornstein My gender workbook which has free pdf available downloads

Lamdalegal for trans legal rights

Pointofpride which provides binders for transmales applications are good for 2yrs

Gc2b, underworks have binders that are good quality

Trans bodies, trans selves

Dara Hoffman-fox gender therapist youtube videos

Jamidodger transguy youtube videos

Hope this helps 🙏

Resources

Resources

point of pride has binder requests that transmales can apply for binders to help with their dysphoria. binder requests are up to two years.

gc2b often has raffles for giftcards for binders.

binders can help transmales feel less gender dysphoria and anxiety.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19Rh1T1PQ-OJ527Ce1z15kFZgcOtAF87G/view?usp=drivesdk

Kate bornstein book

Dear Anita

I’m glad that T and T’s father have you as a supportive person to talk to. Supporting a child who is transgender or questioning their gender identity can be difficult and it won’t be without mistakes. But it’s important that children know they are loved and safe being who they are. Parents listening to their children, and telling them that they love them will help their children feel less alone as they explore their gender identity. The child might not have all the answers yet and parents and children will be learning along the way. It’s important that parents check with their child’s feelings, sometimes when children identify as transgender or question their gender identity they might experience feelings of anxiety. Letting children know that you are there for them can help children feel more comfortable talking with their parents. I found dara hoffman-fox videos “asking a gender therapist ” videos on youtube very helpful. For a child questioning their gender identity, it can help them feel better about themselves if they have opportunities to explore how they’re feeling. I think dara hoffman-fox says that if a person feels happy and confident being the opposite gender they were born as then they are transgender. There’s no right or wrong way to be transgender. If a person identifying as a transmale feels happy dressing with suit, ties, sweatshirts, sweatpants, darker more masculine colors they’re valid. The important thing is for parents to reach out to support groups in their area. Pflag and glaad are lgbtq resources that provide trans resources for transgender people and their families.

Callhimhunter is a resource for transgender people to talk to trans ally moms about their feelings. It was created by a mother whose son came about as transgender and wanted to be called hunter with he/him pronouns. The site has ally moms that are available in different u.s. states for trans children to talk to.

I really liked the book trans bodies, trans selves. There are often resources at local libraries. If the person ever feels like they are alone and struggling with mental health, trans lifeline is a national network that is available to talk via text or phone call and trans lifeline can help trans people get access to resources.

Another book I loved was the gender workbook by Kate bornstein where trans people can explore their gender identity and have fun with it. I will try to share the pdf file.

I have seen people who thrive under supportive parents. Instead of demanding parents that issue harsh reprimands and tend to be authoritative, supportive parents listen to their child and tell them gently and firmly that the behavior isn’t accepted and they work on teaching the child the right behavior over the wrong one. Treating people kindly is important because people never know how much hurt  a person is carrying inside.

I feel like sustainability applies to developing healthy coping mechanisms too. I had been trying to look masculine, I got so caught up in the physical appearance that I lost myself in an eating disorder. Over time, I began to realize with supportive friends and seeking out support online groups I began developing healthier coping mechanisms like deep breathing, yoga, listening to music when i’m stressed. As I learned and began to have places to express myself and enjoying nature along the way I began to loosen my views and began to not hold myself so tightly. I remember a passage that I read paraphrase here “you go out in nature’s forest and you see the trees. the trees come in all shapes and sizes. some are tall, some are short, some skinny and some broad. some have broken branches and some are whole. some are wavy growing while others are tall and straight. there’s many different shapes and sizes of trees you see and you accept and acknowledge each one for its beauty. you don’t judge them because you realize that perhaps the tall ones grew that way due to proper nutrients and the short ones grew that way maybe due to lesser nutrients; and the different trees might have different heights due to amounts of sunlight. you acknowledge them as they are without judging or trying to change them, you let them be in their beauty. then you walk out of the forest and began judging yourself- you’re too fat, you’re too thin, you’re too short, your hair isn’t right. ask yourself why you can’t love yourself more like and acknowledge your flaws like when you were observing those trees in the forest?” I felt this passage was very powerful and inspiring. I feel like I’ve been a lot less self-critical and been working on letting go of expectations allowing myself to be and appreciate the moment. Not depleting my energy with unhealthy coping mechanisms, being more sustainable with myself so I can continue on and breathe in the elegance of the in universe.

I still get anxiety over things and it’s hard for me to speak up sometimes. I need lots of practice and hiking nature trails is calming. I’ve been thinking of working with nature park conservation or helping with sustainable management. Sustainable management provides equity such as food justice for impoverished families, environmental friendly services, ways to conserve resources so our future generations can enjoy them, making sure that people get fair wages. Sustainable management covers economic growth as it works on environmental health because with a better environment and more equitable management of resources people will be happier and increase productivity. I find that the UN has the sustainable development goals and they are very fascinating. They want to limit environmental health hazards like pollutants from smog, improve access to people getting jobs, end poverty. I have always been fascinated at sustainable agriculture and how people can feed a growing population without degrading the environment. Currently the issue is water in the pine barrens in new jersey. Many of the freshwater ground water pools are drying up due to development. People are cutting down trees so that the soils don’t hold as much water anymore and agriculture uses 30% of world’s water. So the concept of sustainable agriculture and sustainable nature conservation is very fascinating because I wonder how we can protect the environment that we’re losing. There used to be lots of tall pine trees but they were mostly cut down to make charcoal for furnaces or medical use and the last charcoal furnace was in the 1990s. My pine barrens class and the UN class I took last semester are fascinating, been learning lots.

I’ve been planning out things not to overwhelm myself or berate myself, working on being kind to myself. I still slip from time to time but I’m working on reminding myself of my worth when my inner critic tells me I’m not worth it

Grateful for you

Dear Anita

Sending hugs to T, on their gender identity. I feel like for many trans people  who are questioning their identity it’s helpful for them to use gender-neutral pronouns as they work on building themselves up. Most trans people are okay with people using they/them pronouns for them as they explore their gender identity. They/them refers to a person who doesn’t fit into the binary gender spectrum and the transgender community  consists of those gender-nonconforming  individuals. Over time as T, starts to explore support groups they might decide they want to use he/him pronouns. Sometimes it’s hard for trans people to express themselves from the start because society tends to have different expectations of gender and it takes time for people to explore themselves. There may be some initial confusion at first and that’s okay. Support groups are very helpful since they allow people to connect with others who are feeling the same way. Oftentimes children growing up born as a biological sex male or female learn certain gender expectations for society or their parents. But gender is a spectrum and there’s different genders outside the binary. When children feel a “disconnect ” with their gender identity from their biological sex then they may be experiencing gender dissonance since their gender identity doesn’t match their biological sex. Support groups like local lgbtq groups in the community can be helpful for the child questioning their gender identity because they will be among other individuals where they can learn more about things and be free to express themselves more. A website, I enjoyed was allymoms made by the mother of a trans son. She made the website for trans people to talk with people online that helped them connect with resources in their location. A trans person  could talk with a mom that understood their feelings and feel validated. Since support groups for trans people are now becoming more common, it’s significantly helped with trans people’s mental health. Some libraries have trans books that are very helpful. There is no set age that a person can know that they are trans. Since children often learn about gender when they are five years old, they will likely start forming a grasp of their gender then. Gender dysphoria is often very common during the teens because people as they hit puberty will feel insecure about their bodies. Gender dysphoria is the intense feeling that the body that the person is developing doesn’t match how they feel and this can provide lots of anxiety for people. For trans people gender dysphoria might be early before teens but in teens it tends to become more noticeable. Not all trans people have intense gender dysphoria and some have less gender dysphoria. Having supportive environment can help T work through their feelings.  Many trans people who have a supportive environment will have lower depression and anxiety. Maybe they can talk with a gender therapist and start wearing gender neutral clothes. Usually, when socially transitioning and wearing gender neutral or male clothes a person identifying as a transmale feels happy. Exploring what makes you happy is what’s a good plan.

Hugs anita, thanks for all your insights