Google just keeps on getting better and better;) it has connected my tinybuddha.com account to my gmail and i can receive and forward messages there. also you can read free online books with your google account.from creating schedules to reading books to having a route mapped for you, google is great. i still need a speaker for voice typing, but i’m not worried about that now, but it’s so cool. even though google doesn’t support windows xp, visa or 98 anymore, it still continues to upgrade itself;) Thanks for you advice and encouragement anita;) i am thinking of doing a spiritual journey log where i start meditating and documenting my day. i think this will help me become more consciously aware of what is hindering my spiritual purpose and what i am doing to get close to it. by documenting my thoughts and experiences throughout the day, i can reflect on them at the end of each day and see how much i’ve progressed. also, it helps me stay on track and not veer off and forget to meditate a day or so. i’m making this fun and not a chore though. i got the idea from reading a passage by ben franklin in my ap english textbook. in the passage, ben franklin states the thirteen virtues he believes will bring peace to a person and he creates a table with the days of every month and also the virtues and he tries to incorporate them in his life. i think he spends three weeks on each virtue until he feels like he has mastered it and moves on to the next. ben franklin believed that if he could achieve these thirteen virtues, he would be a more peaceful and happier person. however, there were many obstacles, but franklin persevered and made it to seven virtues before he realized when he had perfected the seventh one, he had forgotten to utilize the others before it. he kept trying and he realized that mankind cannot strive for perfection because there will always be flaws. some people believe franklin wasted his time trying to seek for perfection that he couldn’t have, but franklin disagrees, he says that it isn’t right for mankind to be perfect because if you have a perfect life, it would be meaningless and there would be no adventure for you since you have nothing to improve on. franklin said the imperfections that we have make us who we truly are and that they shape us and the experiences and decisions we make in life and that we should use our imperfections to grow. franklin says that his experiment (around 12 weeks) helped him see who he really was as a person and helped him feel more spiritually alive by making him realize that you can’t be perfect at everything, but you can try to live your life and try new things and try to attempt to be the best possible person you can be even with your flaws. You flaws are what makes you you and what makes the life you experience a journey that is to be lived, so accept your flaws and don’t let them hold you back from being the best you possibly can be.

http://www.sfheart.com/FranklinsVirtues.html

i read this article in december, but after spending 36.25 minutes meditating with my higher self this morning, this article surfaced in my mind and i believe it happened for a reason. on sat. when i felt a bit drained from the criticism of my parents, i remembered going to bed and asking the angels and buddha to show me what my true life purpose was. i had a dream in which i was out in the woods, out in nature and i met the buddha while crossing a bridge. i asked the buddha what my life’s purpose was and the buddha gave me a blue heart necklace with beautiful woodlands on it and told me to follow that path. i was quite confused as i continued on my way, but as i was walking along the path pondering it and enjoying the scenery, there was a time when i was wearing the necklace and the blue ribbon became tight and restrictive and i felt i couldn’t breathe and i cried out to the buddha and the angels “i feel very restricted and oppressed, i feel like i can’t make it.” (i think this symbolized the grip that negative criticism has on me and how i had to break free. i walked a while with the ribbon still holding me back and i felt myself struggle against the pressure, it was then i heard a voice say “don’t fight the struggles of life, accept them and embrace them and let them go, they don’t control who you are, only you control who you are.” the ribbon loosened a little until i came upon another bridge and upon crossing it, i met my special friend and my other two close friends andrew and dave. we raced through the woods and i felt carefree and happy and when we came upon a sparkling river, i was sitting with my friends and we were laughing and i felt that most of the pressure from the ribbon was fading. then i heard a voice say that if i could let go of all my insecurities and stop letting negative criticism influence me, i would be free of the ribbon’s restraint. i wasn’t sure how to do that, but i felt safe with my friends so i took the risk and opened myself to total love and trust and i watched the heart necklace soar into the heavens and my friends and i laughed, exhilarated. as we were walking together, thoughts came to me. i saw a beautiful blue sky and clouds and i realized and felt that when things were tough, i could always look at the heavens (buddha and angels for comfort, hence the blue on the necklace), the green woodlands was the being one with nature and traveling my path and the heart symbolized the fact that i would learn to love myself, appreciate life and listen to my heart. i felt elated on understanding the buddha’s message. in the dream, i felt myself raise my arms up to the heavens and felt a brilliant ray of light raining down on me and i just let it fill and heal me. also we came to a fork in the road and i realized i had to take a separate path from my friends and i felt sad “i’ll never make it alone” i thought. but suddenly, i saw a beautiful white wings lift me up and tell me to be strong, that i could make it through life, that i was a divine being and loved. i was told that i was a special person, just by myself and that i didn’t need others to make me happy if i didn’t learn to be happy within myself. i was afraid and insecure and unsure how to learn to love myself, but the angel said “don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you every step of the way. you’ll be okay.” i was still nervous and i felt my body start to glow and heat up and i felt fearful because when i looked down i found myself burning and i was afraid of losing myself. i screamed for my friends and i heard a voice say “it’s okay. you are being reborn. you need to lose your old self to discover who you really truly are. just accept it and don’t worry.” i felt myself rise out of the ashes as a phoenix and was amazed and awed. as the years went on, my phoenix body grew feebler and i felt once again in despair, afraid, but as i felt myself die,i thought i was going into eternal darkness, but i felt myself rise and my body become little pinpricks of light that exploded and i became a star in the night sky shining for others. i realized i think i understand that my purpose is to provide spiritual healing to others and also pursue my interests in math and science. i also think after this dream, i truly believe there is life after death and no matter what path i and my friends take, i will be okay. i wish all my friends including you anita the best of luck in all of life. remember you are a star and that nothing is impossible so go for your dreams and live life without regrets.

also, in physics honors which has become easier even though the teacher still doesn’t go over the answers to the worksheets until the day of the test or quiz. andrew is great because he has a lot of mechanical knowledge and i find that i’m learning lots from him, also he likes trigonometry in pre-calc more than asymptotes like me. I am reading Into the Wild and I think I like Chris Mccandless, however he is a bit stubborn and self-absorbed at times, but i admire his charisma, drive to be one with nature and also his interest in seeking out the adventure in life and letting nothing hold him back. andrew has a sarcastic, but witty sense of humor and we were both discussing the book and i think i might try what Mccandless did, but go with more supplies, andrew being the witty person he can be at times doesn’t think it is worth it to go to Alaska and do what Mccandless did, he shares the opposite view and thinks Mccandless was terrible at survival skills and wasted his life isolating himself from society. Dave and I were helping each other draft our essays on the issue of slavery and how we don’t have much freedom in society and we both agree that we like Mccandless; we both think he is very adventurous and brave for going out on his own and breaking free from the chains of society’s regulations. dave is a christian, while i’m a buddhist so we both have an appreciation for nature and when there are religious references in the book, dave and i sometimes discuss whether Mccandless took the journey to find himself and we both ponder the fact that maybe it would be worth sacrificing your life to really enjoy the beauty of what’s out there or maybe not as in andrew’s case since he thinks Mccandless should have been more prepared and that you can experience spiritual fulfillment without completely isolating yourself. In Into the Wild it states “The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. You don’t need anyone else to bring this new kind of light into your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances” (Kraeuker 57-59). I agree with this quote because life is an adventure and so many people are just drifting by in life, unhappy with their circumstances, but afraid to take a step, afraid to step out of their security and experience the beauty of life that when their moment comes, they realize they didn’t experience life as they should have. What Mccandless is saying is that you should look for peace within and around you, in what you have now and the simplicity of nature, to be simple in life and realize that joy is all around us not just in human relationships. Life is a journey to be lived and you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks, to try something you haven’t before and break free from the conventions of society, only then can you truly discover life and yourself, and nothing is impossible and also that the only person that can make you happy is yourself. I think i will explore nature and live life and experience it as best as i can, but i won’t go radical like Mccandless, but he is still an inspiring person.

Thanks anita;) I love avocados and fish, i still need to fuel up more on nuts though. i had a track workout till 5:00 yesterday and the good thing is that the thrower captain taught me the stance for throwing discus and i have gotten better, but i still need to work on balancing the amount of force used and the way i throw the discus (it’s supposed to spin off your index finger). i got a ride home from two of my track friends. yesterday, also sebastian who is also in my physics honors class and does throwing as well, we were encouraging each other with the workout. he also sometimes helps me with physics honors and so does his friend shawn, who i used to play soccer with. after the workout, i had to study for the ch. 16 test for ap world history and the physics quiz both of which i took today. i think i got at least 85 on the ap world history. i also had a pre-calc quiz yesterday which i got a 105;) today, I had a physics honors quiz on work and i got a 100 on it and dave congratulated me on it;) in ap english today, andrew was telling about the mechanics of a roller coaster and he was also explaining kinetic energy to me which really helped me because it clarified what i learned in physics honors yesterday. andrew and i aren’t competing as much and we are helping each other with physics and also with pre-calc and it’s great. also dave who is in my physics honors class always encourages me to do well and will help me study. cj who is great at explaining things much like andrew is often helps me make sense of calculating the net force and other equations. i’m feel so glad that i have so many friends who are helping me in school, it is like a true blessing from the angels and buddha:) my lunch buddy is teaching me radians in pre-calc and it’s so much fun. my ap world history teacher is good at giving advice and although she can be hard at times, she’s good at being empathetic with people. if you are stressed, she would try to make you laugh and lessen your stress. i think andrew and i see that we share a common bond over pre-calc, biology, chemistry and physics and the competition has lessened a little. also dave seems less strained because since he is friends with both of us, it’s hard for him to see us compete against each other. i feel like with dave, andrew, sebastian, cj and my lunch buddy (steve) i can be myself and they are quite laid back and entertaining to be around. also today, after school i saw the sign that my school principal posted that there is a free self-defense class starting april 4, 7 and some other dates for senior girls, i wish i was a senior in the gym hosted by school base. francine and i had asked the principal to start a self-defense club and he did:) i think andrew and dave helped as well because dave is an eloquent speaker and andrew helped plan the techniques and place to host it. i feel bad for my special friend because i’m so involved and building my gpa with my friends and he feels left out. my math and science friends and track friends are all pulling me in the opposite directions and sometimes i don’t have time to spend with him. the good thing is my grades have gone quite well and i’m not as stressed and really enjoy life because i have so many people helping me, the bad thing is i worry about my special friend because i heard him tell one of his friends that he felt he was losing me. i would love the opportunity to spend more time with him, but i have a whole set of friends pulling me away towards math and science and sometimes it’s hard.

Thanks anita;) i found that i got an 89 on my physics honors forces test and i’m glad;) dave is great, he helped me with my ap english rhetorical devices (allusion, metaphor, anecdotes) essay today and he is very encouraging in school. when the ap english class took a walk to clear their minds and i stayed behind for 15 minutes to draft part of the essay so i would have an outline when we came back, he stayed behind for a while and also did the same thing and we helped each other with ideas. after physics honors, which was last block, we were talking about physics and the chapter called work and i think it is pretty simple and also he said that i was smart and he was glad i did well on the forces test. he knows the stresses i have in my life with being health conscious, criticizing parents, special friend and also self-criticism. dave is very compassionate and accepting and i feel like i can be myself around him and he doesn’t mind. today, i showed him the posts that i’ve been writing about him and it made him smile and he doesn’t mind me being a buddhist wiccan. he is very intelligent, but he doesn’t put others down who aren’t as smart as he is, instead he values hard work and he always sees the talents in people rather than their flaws. dave is quite laid back and he can be competitive, but in a fun and entertaining way. i think my special friend and andrew are annoyed at me because i think i’m doing better in math and science.i think dave sees my passion for math and science and he is also doing well in those subjects and sometimes he helps and encourages me. one of my other ap english friends, cj is entertaining and well dave is eloquent and poetic, he is humorous and entertaining. cj is a great writer and he is very encouraging as well; he also has great compassion, he would help anyone in need (like me since i also enjoy helping people). dave and cj often work together in literature and sometimes they have a friendly competition. cj, dave and my lunch buddy don’t really pay attention to the competition of the higher classes, they are just content to try hard, encourage other people and seem to really live life with confidence. one of my track mates who is a thrower as well is in my physics honors class and he is great, he was teaching me about discus and javelin and he said he thinks i should try for shot put. i had to help my parents with the restaurant so i missed practice today, but i still met with my track mates and the ones who are in my classes are great. we sometimes help each other with our homework and we laugh together and share techniques on how to become better. also i think i am set for the pre-calc test tomorrow since my pre-calc teacher does a lot of reviews and goes over things quite well. i have a physics honors work quiz and ap world history ch. 16 test friday and the ap english word of the day test (sept-march) is moved to monday. dave says that i shouldn’t be so criticizing of myself and that my talents were my compassion, my perseverance and my empathy for people, he also said that i was athletic and that i was a little too health conscious at times. cj is great because he makes me laugh when i’m down with his jokes and dave is great with his advice and his laid back, compassionate nature which makes both of them easy tot talk to. anyway, dave is right about me being health conscious and also school grade conscious, i tend to try to do really well and feel quite upset when i do bad on a test or quiz, i have the standard that i have to get an 82 or higher as my overall grade and also tend to get restless if i miss a day of working out because i’m afraid it will diminish my muscle tone and also i have been consuming french fries, cookies, donuts and junk food because i want to be healthy. i am going to work on improving my circulation because i feel like ever since i’ve been quite health conscious, i need to increase my circulation. i have been working out, eating lean protein, vegetables and fruits and watching everything i eat and calculating the calories i burn. cj is great because there are times when i feel stressed, he will make me laugh with one of his jokes.

I find that the only day i could study for the physics honors test on forces was monday since friday-sunday was helping my parents with the restaurant service test. so i was a bit stressed on the test today, i think i got at least a 75 or higher on it. i dislike squats with weights because they are hard, but they are harder when your heels are on an incline. i tried throwing the 2 lb discus today and i managed to be able to roll it across the ground, but i still need to work on my aim for discus. my team mates are great, but sometimes i feel left out because most of them have experience in throwing while this is my first time. i think i managed to make the discus go straight along the ground once and threw it 5 inches once and the rest of the time, i either couldn’t position my hand right, go through the motions of throwing right and the discus would be spiked from my hand and roll sideways instead of going straight. the coach is tough, but has a good sense of humor so we often get things done quite well and in shape and we also have fun while doing it. he is a good coach who knows how to lead and encourage his athletes to try their hardest and be strong, not just in throwing, but also in other aspects of life. also all the hip movements and the calisthenics we’ve been doing have improved my flexibility, speed and balance. i can control my hip movements when i am on a balance ball much better than i could freshman year. i think when i go rollerblading this summer, i will have more balance. also the workout we did yesterday helped build muscle, endurance, strength and balance so when my dad took me out to teach me how to drive, i was actually a decent driver. the only thing i had to work on was adding more fuel to the car to make it go and also controlling the steering wheel so it wouldn’t veer off into another lane. i also realized that when i wanted to turn i had to plan 15 minutes in advance and prepare to or i wouldn’t be able to turn and would have to keep going straight. my ap english friend who is great at literature (dave) is great, he helped me catch up with the notes since i had to see the cardiologist (clearance of sports was successful) today and i missed my first two blocks (ap english and ap world history, which i found out i only missed a page of notes in ap world history and not much in ap english). i feel like even though it’s only been two days of practice, i feel better about myself, much stronger, more balanced and also i am more confident and i don’t let other people’s actions define my happiness, i have started to find happiness within from the sheer euphoria i get after sprinting and also throwing and also through meditation. there are some days when i feel so spiritually alive and healthy that nothing seems impossible and no matter what happens around me, i feel like i can overcome every obstacle, those are the days when i feel like the buddha is beside me and i am fulfilled. i am working on incorporating those days into my life so i have them with me always instead of having some days in which my mind feels hazy and i doubt my health. i am also grateful to my friend dave since he is helping me not feel so stressed in my classes and to not pay attention to the competition. also, my ap english friend who is great at science (andrew) and i are still competing, but since dave is helping me, i’m not as stressed and the three of us have become quite good friends. i think i will refer to them by their names now since i know now they don’t mind me talking about them to my other friends. my special friend and i have been busy with sports schedules, but i feel worried about him because he seems to be so insecure about himself these days, he seems jealous of my lunch buddy because we both are in track and field, and my lunch buddy and i spend more time together, i think he feels like he isn’t good enough for me and that isn’t true. he’s the reason why i try hard and seeing him gives me hope, sometimes just thinking of him helps me work out harder and better at track and field, he is a great encouragement. i know that we have busy schedules, but i would do anything to make him know that he isn’t alone, that he is good enough, that i care about him. my special friend is the reason i know what spiritual love truly is and he is the reason that i know how to hope and live life to the fullest since he showed me the way out of darkness when i was bullied in seventh grade.

I love love science, it is so amazing:) Check this out, event is tomorrow: http://www.inquisitr.com/2863584/a-solar-eclipse-coming-march-8-9-dont-miss-this-years-best-supermoon-drive-by/

It’s a solar eclipse, new moon and supermoon all in one:D I love getting space news from ask-angels.com or just from beyondscience.com and other sites.

My paranormal society club teacher who is also a physics regular teacher helped me after school today and over this past weekend i watched youtube videos and asked for buddha and angelic guidance and my mind is much clearer and i’m starting to make sense of the force diagrams, also she explained it quite well and also the analogies she made to real life such as pulling a sled and also using colored diagrams helped me to see it visually. The pre-calc test was moved to thursday because my teacher is adding more sections to the test. i also have a word of the day test for ap english on friday from words september-march (my subconscious knows most of the words when i see their definitions).

i was a little stressed after ap english because we took a mock ap exam and the passages took me a while and i still had four more questions to go, but the last passage was hard and i didn’t think i did well on the last four questions, though i tried. i find it easier to read the questions first, then look for them in the passage and underline important information. my ap english friend who is great at literature saw that i was stressed and he asked if i was okay. he told me that it was okay and that i would pass physics honors because i was smart and that he also struggled with some of the concepts so it’s not just me. he cheered me up quite a lot with his smile and his humor and his encouragement that i would do okay and that he would help me and that i should just let my stress go. at first i was a bit tired from studying physics and helping my parents over this weekend and walking into pre-calc after ap english i was a little more happier after talking with him. he is really easygoing and laidback and i’m glad that he accepts me even though i may not be the genius people like the A team. he says i don’t need to be the A team, the important thing is that i believe in myself and that i try hard and not be too stressed.

i asked my friend francine to stay after school with me so i could have some company, i found that after spending 1 hour five minutes (!:35-2:40) on physics after school, my head was filled with physics so that it was a relief to run a mile for track at 2:50 (took me some time to prepare and get down to track), i completed it in 20 minutes and i felt better and my head was clearer. the throwers is where i joined today were great and we were like a team, we would encourage each other, make jokes and laugh and work out together. the workouts for throwing required a lot of upper body strength and it was hard, but the coaches taught us how to do it right and the teammates helped. i had to do 36 squats with weights in different sets, 34 bench presses, 30 incline push-ups, sit-ups (60) and leg lifts (30), 30 bicep curls. i found the squats with weights the hardest because you had to balance on your heels. we also bounced an 8 lb medicine ball for 15 minutes, 30 push-ups where you put your hands in the strings attached to the wall and you push yourself down (i hope you know what i mean) . the team mates for the throwers are very encouraging. also the people who do hurdles and jumps often cheer the throwers and they are great as well (i’m not so sure i would do well at hurdling). i have a lot of friends who are sprinters and i used to do distance so i still have friends there. i think i might try for cross country which is a combination of sprints and distance since running has become quite fun and the workouts i’ve been doing have helped me build balance, agility and endurance. also it has helped me with my confidence, a lot of the girls on the track team are great and encouraging when i felt self-conscious because i was new to throwing, they were great and i felt like i fit in quite well with them and also they made my confidence rise a little. my lunch buddy is doing sprints and i think it will be fun. i am going to have to rotate from throwing to sprints to distance this year, but i’m excited because my track mates are great and there have been some new members whom i know from my classes. there was a girl that was teaching me how to do the squats who told me that i was athletic and i didn’t need to be so self-conscious of my weight because i was perfect the way i was.

The debate is about minimum wage earners and I had it second block and i think my ap english friend and his team did much better, they had more charts and graphs and also they engaged the audience much more. our team did well with the information, but i don’t like being in front of people much even though my voice and posture are normal, i was stressed at the ap world history dbq (document based question on how the enlightenment disrupted the western world and some of the documents from rene descartes were hard to analyze because they talked about the reality of the world around you and the abstract vs. the concrete and it was confusing) practice that my teacher brought upon us and since i was stressed on the dbq that i had to did first block, i don’t think my mind was really on the ap english debate. i think it was just the nervousness of going about my ap english friend who is great at science and also the dbq that really made my mind seemed sidetracked during the debate and it was as if i wasn’t very passionate about my side. a lot of my team members had been stressed over the tests they took in other classes and also the fact that we were debating against our friends on a side we didn’t agree with (i got the side where you can live on minimum wage). also physics seems to getting harder and the teacher seems to be explaining things even faster and my mind is whirling trying to keep up with everything. we are learning about objects being pulled at an angle on a flat surface, objects on an incline and objects being pulled at an angle on the incline. there are times when the force of gravity is equal to the cosine of the angle in the y component of the weight and there are times when you use the force pulling you downwards instead of using the force of gravity, you have to use the applied force sine of the angle to find the normal force that acts on the object. There are just so many steps for those different problems that i get confused which one is which and when to do one or the other and it doesn’t help that the teacher doesn’t explain everything thoroughly. i hope i make it through this semester with an 80 or higher in physics honors. my ap english friend who is great at science has started to use his scientific knowledge against me and we debate quite a lot about biology, chemistry and physics. my other ap english friend who is great at literature is quite helpful and encouraging and tells me that i can do well. there is a new competitive team called the “Imitation” A team. they have the best grades and are really smart in math and science and when other people like me fall behind because my mind can’t work as fast as theirs, they just give them some advice that doesn’t really do much (but it’s still nicer than the A team that puts people down if they aren’t smart). The “Imitation” A team has a great sense of humor and can be fun to be around, but they can be annoying when they compete against you and also when they don’t help you much when you fall behind. However, I like them better than the A team since some of the people are nice and they don’t put down people even though they can still put a strain on you because you see them striving so far and also having lots of confidence and you think “i wish i could be like them. but i think i never will have the strong intellect and confidence they have. i feel like i’m just an above average person, but their geniuses.” that’s how the “Imitation” A team makes me feel about myself at times, it makes me think i am very inadequate and that i won’t be able to get where they are. this is my first year of discovering that i like math and science and i am working my way, but all this pressure and constant cliques people form for competition are quite straining. i wish i could be like my lunch buddy since he is very laidback and he doesn’t care about the cliques and competition, he is just happy with himself. he is a a great person who explains things quite well and is very encouraging. The A team hasn’t really been bothering me much because now they are busy watching out for the “Imitation” A team because they don’t want them to be smarter and this constant competition is annoying. today, after lunch my head was spinning from newton’s laws of temperature that my lunch buddy was explaining (i understood the pre-calc part with the logarithms and how to solve for k, but the physics part didn’t make much sense). anyway, my special friend saw us discussing schoolwork together and he seemed jealous of the fact that my lunch buddy was smarter than he was, it made him feel inadequate. so he sought me out after lunch and asked if i still cared about him because lately it seems like i hang out with the ‘smart’ people. i told him that i was trying to do well in school and that i felt inadequate at times since most of the people i hang out seem to have things i wish i had and that i still cared about him, that i loved him for the fact that he is always there no matter how dramatic i get over school, no matter how distant i sometimes can be from him (busy with school), no matter how many times i think i regret the person i’ve become, he is always there to tell me that no matter what i’ll always make it through and also that it doesn’t matter what others are doing or how others are, that i don’t need to keep changing myself to be better because i’m already perfect and good enough the way i am now. today, when i met him going to my ap english class, he wished me luck on the track meeting after school. anyway, the track meeting was fun, there were a lot of team mates i knew and i met new people as well, our track team has grown since i’ve been gone for 1.5 years, but i’m back on the team and i am glad to see my friends and make new ones. so after the track meeting, i took a bus home and my special friend was there (he lives nearby) and he asked how the track meeting went and i told him it was fine. then he asked me how my day was and i told him “it was okay.” he is really good at reading me and he knew that today wasn’t really a good day and he asked me if i was okay, he told me he was here to listen. i said “you really don’t want to know how today went and how i may end up failing physics honors and how i feel like such a failure.” today’s day with the “Imitation” A team, debates, dbq and physics honors was just annoying. he said it was okay, that he was here for me and that i could tell him anything. so i told him pretty much what i wrote a few sentences above and he listened and i felt better after telling him. i love the way that even when i fake a smile, he knows that i’m not fine and is always there to help and listen. his empathy is great and many of my other friends can’t read me as well as he can, it also helps that he’s known me since seventh grade. anyway, he listened and gave me a hug and he told me that it was okay, that he would help me in school and that i had more drive and determination than anyone else he knew and that he wouldn’t let me fail, he would support and encourage me to go far. he also said that life’s a journey and that it’s meant to be enjoyed and it doesn’t matter if you slip, fall or fail in your pursuits, the important thing is to keep going after the dreams you care about and experience the adventure of life. live life and continue to keep chasing instead of waiting and sitting around watching life pass you by and not achieving your dreams. he said if you let failure define who you are, if you let it knock you down in life, if you let fear get in the way, you will never truly experience the beauty of life. life isn’t easy and there are many obstacles, but keeping your eye on the dreams and taking steps toward it will be much better than living a life with regrets, a life unlived that you didn’t even try. i don’t know how long he held me for, but it didn’t matter, just having him hold me was enough to make me feel better and make me feel stronger about myself. anyway, he decided to race me since he knew i did track and it was fun, we were both laughing after running 1 mile and we both purposefully tied. anyway, my hair had fallen loose while we had been running, but it didn’t matter, it was the sheer freedom of running of pushing yourself forward that made me smile and also being with him was great. anyway, we stopped at a tree with the sun shining lightly on us and he told me “i’m glad to see you’re more like your old self, happy and carefree.” even though it snowed a little today, by the afternoon the sun was out and it mostly melted and the weather was moderately warm. my hair was a bit messy blowing in the breeze and my sweatshirt was disheveled from running, but i was happier than i had been moments ago. anyway, my special friend whipped out his cellphone and said “let’s capture this special moment that we shared. i want to remember being with you.” it was so sweet what he said, but i was afraid that my hair and sweatshirt were messy, so i told him to wait before he took the picture. anyway, while i was trying to fix my hair, the wind blew again so i just left my hair down blowing freely, when he showed me the picture i winced at the way my hair was flying around and it seemed messy, but he said that i looked beautiful and the loose hair in the wind made me seem like a free spirit which made me laugh. anyway, i mentioned that i had conflicting emotions about my special friend, when i first met him, i tried to deny that i loved him because i didn’t think i was good enough and i was afraid of being betrayed. i had been bullied and also criticized on my religion in wicca, criticized in my physical appearance especially in the winter with my red cracked hands and also in the summer with my acne. before sixth grade, i had always been carefree and enjoying life, but after being bullied in sixth grade (it wasn’t too bad, still had friends) into seventh grade (friends mostly moved away or avoided me because of wicca), so i made this promise to myself that i would never fall in love, that i would be self-sufficient and do well in school.however, it was hard to be a loner at times, it was hard having no one to go to when you needed some help from stress, but i tried it. i had a crush on a guy in sixth grade and he ended up betraying me and ridiculing me for not being good at volleyball (which i still hate). in seventh grade being told that i was worthless and no one would like me by another guy since i believes in wicca (he called me a freak), had acne (he told me it looked like they were frog warts) and also the cold hands during the winter he said “what are you, a snowman?” he was quite abusive verbally, but i tried to be friends with him since i felt lonely. in the second semester of seventh grade, i met my special friend and he would always tease me, but not unkindly, he was the first person who took notice that i was a real person and didn’t avoid me or criticize me too harshly. he could be quite entertaining at times and he would teach me to play soccer. we were just acquaintances then, but he made me become a good soccer player and also he picked me for his team when everyone else rejected me. i made friends in his friendship circle and i didn’t feel so lonely anymore. anyway, i got pretty good at soccer that we started to become friends and he would defend me when other people laughed at me. there were times when i was bullied and he would encourage me to keep going and defend me, there was one time when he was sick of all the bullying that i faced and he said “why don’t you learn to defend yourself?” i wasn’t sure how to and my self-esteem was low, but my special friend would role play the bully and slowly i learned to stand up for myself. toward the end of the semester, my grades were pretty good (i wasn’t as stressed in school) and i had enjoyed playing soccer and i found that i was in love with him. i tried to deny it, i didn’t want to be betrayed again and like the song “High Above Me” i thought he had everything and i didn’t really have much to offer. so i started helping him with school work, making him laugh at times, but i was quite shy around him. he would often catch me sneaking glances at him during class and he would wonder why i was staring at him. i think he started to know i liked him when every time he came by, i would jump and smile at him and also when his friends argued against him, i would always defend him and always make sure i won. he was quite surprised to know that i liked him because a lot of girls didn’t like him for his competitive nature in sports and his acting skills. also he thought it was just a crush of mine and he teased me for it, he didn’t think i could really love a guy like him. but he was nice about it, he told me that he liked me as well because i was smart, but he wasn’t sure if he could ever love me like in a relationship because he doesn’t really know what real love is, most of the girls make fun of him and his parents sometimes complain that he needs to do better in math and science. i was okay with that and i didn’t really care, i just wanted to be close friends with him and have fun. there were times when we fought with each other and we would curse at each other, but we forgave each other. i think we were both afraid to let each other know that we liked each other, me because i had been betrayed so many times, him because he had never felt anything like this before and he wasn’t sure if it would last (the last girl he liked was cruel to him and often had things done her way so he had no control or say, after that he hasn’t really had relationships with any girl but he still has some friends, but he is afraid to let himself go and fall in love again). i mentioned that we also share a physical connection because there are times when he talks about intimacy and mentions the intimacy that he never really enjoyed with the other girl because she was quite controlling and they weren’t on equal terms. another girl he liked only cared about sex and he didn’t think a relationship was just about that, but i think she influenced him a lot before he left her because in most of his relationships, he’s always been more on the spiritual side than the physical side, but after being with her and her controlling nature, he thinks about the physical side of relationships as well. when he was in that relationship with her, he would always come to me and say “i think she is changing me into a person, i don’t want to become.” it took him a while to leave her because she was quite controlling and also often played with his emotions, it wasn’t real love. i think we are both afraid of losing control, being used and betrayed that we hold back at times. yet, in eighth grade when he would role play the bully again, one girl thought he was actually bullying me so i made a friend and that built my self-esteem up. she still remains one of my closest friends today and along her came others and i didn’t feel so alone. there were times when i felt sad and she or my special friend would tell me it was okay, that they would stand by me. it was really in eighth grade when i realized that i was truly in love with my special friend both spiritually and physically. he made me feel like a stronger better person, he made my heart beat faster and also my mind seem clearer, he made me feel spiritually alive and healed. i was really shy around him though, it took my gal friend in eighth grade to push me forward by telling me to believe in myself to get me to have the courage to go talk to him at times, also he was shy around me at times. yet, we always ended finding each other no matter how big the crowd or our different schedules, we seemed to know each others’ aura. i’m still quite shy around him and he still isn’t god at strong emotions because he’s never known what true love really feels like so at times it feels like we are distant from each other. but we always see each other and end up meeting. there are times when i’ll go to the library to study and he would be there on the computers. i don’t think it is a coincidence that our paths always cross a lot, sometimes intentionally others unintentionally. i think there is a spiritual connection between us because on the days when i feel sad, he always shows up, sometimes unexpectedly to ask if everything is okay. sometimes he gets jealous if i am studying with another guy such as when i’m with my lunch buddy or my two ap english friends. there are times when we both are busy and we don’t see each other for a week, but somehow next week our paths will cross and we will be glad to see each other. some of the people who know both of us well and laugh at us because they think we are in a physical relationship and it won’t last, that it isn’t love, but infatuation. i think there was a time in ninth grade when we both were infatuated with each other, we were jealous of each other and seemed to not be able to let each other go, he was quite possessive of me. he didn’t want to be betrayed or lose someone he cared about like the other two relationships that didn’t work out. however, i think over time we have learned to trust each other more and be more relaxed around each other and it has become a strong spiritual love for both of us. when people see us together, they laugh and say it’s not going to last, there just a typical boyfriend/girlfriend couple and it’s just physical intimacy. i bet it will be over when they have sex. we’re both really annoyed when people say this about us because we’ve been through so much together that it seems like we are more spiritual partners and we help each other develop and grow rather than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. i think we met each other for a reason and if we have to let each other go we will without any bitter feelings and unlike the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship which requires you spend lots of time together and have intimacy, we have more of a spiritual connection and we let each other have freedoms (knowing that we can just encourage each other and give each other support), we tend to share a platonic love and we don’t have to spend a lot of time together. we can each lead our own lives and as long as we’re both happy, we don’t really care about anything else. also the spiritual love that we share helps us really appreciate the beauty of life and if we do end up together as soul mates that is great, but if we don’t we will both keep the memories and continue to spread the love we shared to others and help them heal. many people at my school and also my parents think a relationship has to be physical to be a relationship and that it is mostly just infatuation that doesn’t last or the person is just playing with you. but a relationship doesn’t have to be purely physical, it can be spiritual as well. sometimes when my special friend and i laugh together and hug each other, lots of people think we are in a physical relationship. they are quite criticizing and say “how long will you two last?” ,”what do they see in each other?”, “you shouldn’t be with him/her because you two are in different social circles.” (we get this a lot since he is an actor/athlete and i am a scientist, but we both enjoy science and working out ) or they laugh and say “how long until you two will just end it after you two have sex?” (this question annoys both of us and sometimes makes both of us curse and feel uncomfortable). i think we do share a physical love for each other as well, but after so many betrayed relationships especially the one he had with a girl who was quite controlling, we both seem guarded and afraid of losing control. in the song “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls it states “you’re the closest to heaven and i don’t want the world to see me cause i don’t think that they’s understand.” i think when we are together, i see so many possibilities and feel truly alive both spiritually and physically and sometimes other students don’t understand our partnership. Also in rachel platten’s “Stand by You” it states “And the heart sometimes it’s unclear why it’s beating. And love, if your wings are broken, please take my so yours can open too. show me all the scars you have. Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through. Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you. Even if you can’t rise, I’ll cry with you on hands and knees, cause I’m going to stand by you. I knew you’re hurting so am I and love you’re not not alone.” This song is about always standing by someone know matter how hard life gets for them or you and helping them chase after their dreams even if they feel they are broken down and still accepting them for all the faults they have, telling them that you’ll be there for them and believe in them even if they don’t believe in themselves, going through the pain they feel, just to be with them. i feel like every lyric in this song reminds me of what i would do for my friends, what i would do for my special friend and what he has done for me. I feel like my special friend and i help each other and if we feel sad or sometimes when we feel like failures in life, we’ll both take each others’ pain and help each other work through it and toward our dreams. I still think that my special friend and i are still trying to figure out our emotions for each other and sometimes we still deny it because we’ve both never felt a love like this before and we are afraid of what other people say of us that we are in different circles, that we aren’t good enough for each other and also of being betrayed. We both have conflicting emotions about each other and tend to hold back at times, yet we still make each other laugh and cheer each other up. sometimes i wish we could both tell each other what we really felt about each other and assure each other that we truly love each other.