java isn’t too bad, it’s about computer coding and it is a lot like genetic codes. you put an input into a software that can be used for coding and you can input different codes and sequences to create various tasks on your computer like making your own solar system (on codeacademy.com) much like molecular biologists study dna sequences. i like computers, calculators and radios (still learning). i’m taking business and web development to boost my management and leadership skills and a personal website is often like a good resume. my math unweighted average is a 90.75. logical word problems and critical thinking annoy me and my math skills are proficient, but not engineer status which is why sometimes my parents complain about me b/c my brother is great at math. my family seems to like the people who are engineers and craftsmen. to them biology (environmental and molecular) and astronomy (including the physics of the universe) seem hard to grasp and also they think i have my head in the clouds when i talk about philosophy or the beauty of the universe. some of the people who make fun of me are athletes. so i have my parents telling me that i know no life skills esp. those to do with home repairs and mechanical things and some athletes who tell me that i’m not athletic enough b/c i’m a girl. i enjoy science the most b/c i love nature and the universe and science allows me to question and explore the world. i love astronomy, biology, chemistry and physics (when it’s not mechanical). it amazes me that testosterone molecule and estrogen molecule both share CH3 and OH in the same places. The difference is that testosterone has an another CH3 and at the end of the molecules shape there is a double bonded oxygen, while estrogen lacks the extra CH3 and has a OH at the end. Learning more about biological things of humans, i think males and females have more in common than i thought. females are more prone to heart attacks, but survive them better b/c estrogen has specific molecule that helps them. females are also more prone to depression, but with males over forty, both have serotonin levels decrease so they may have depression as well. women live 5-10 years longer than men. also bullet proof vests and fire escapes were invented by women. it was also a woman who discovered chromosomes and agnes meyer driscoll (strawberry brand named after her) was a codebreaker and forensics scientist. there is a possibility that the double X chromosomes in women help them as they age. when cells age, they have a choice in genes either on one X chromosomes or the other. if you have a population of cells aging, the genes in one X chromosomes are active while the other may be due to chance whether or not the genes are active with slight variations. we all have the same genes, however it is the specific coding within our genes that makes us who we are. also one of the questions that i was pondering alone at night was this “Since some people experience the sensation that they’ve been somewhere before and that’s called deja vu, maybe there is a possibility for a past life. What about the traits (includes phenotypes or physical traits and genotypes) that people have that don’t seem to be genetically inherited, maybe they came from a past life. Such as when people who meet for the first time click right away, is it possible that they met each other in a recent time? And if there is a possibility of a past life, there may be evidence of reincarnation. Since wouldn’t the person have to have been reincarnated again as a different person with the same soul to have come upon this person again? Does this mean that there is a soul? Scientists say that when you die there is .6% of your body weight that goes, is it spiritual matter? Could the pituitary gland at the brain be the seat of the soul? Also in biology they say that all matter contains carbon, phosphorus, nitrogen, water which are cycled and since humans are matter, do our nutrients get cycled in the universe? Also energy enters an ecosystem as light and exits as heat and energy flows through a ecosystem. for every energy transformation, it increases the entropy (disorder of the universe since heat can’t be used for work). if we are energy, then maybe we are only transformed from one thing to another? It has been said we share 99% of the genes of banana and plants can regenerate themselves, then is there a possibility of reincarnation? Reading about ecological succession and how species can survive after a disturbance. primary succession is when there is no soil present an lichens (spores transported by wind, water) can grow and later give rise to plants and life. secondary succession occurs when there is soil present and plants start growing and takes a shorter time than primary. lichens are good at extracting materials such as nickel, lead from soils and facilitating the way for other species to grow. anyway, it is said by biologist that when our bodies become dust, they become part of the soil and relating to secondary succession, there may be a plant species that uses the soil to grow. when the plant is eaten by the animals, then the animal has the nutrients of us and when a man eats an animal, then we are man again. this makes me think there is a possibility for reincarnation.”

i love science in all forms and also enjoy reading about the brain, science never ceases to impress me and if i don’t understand a topic, i let it go for some time and research it again and it comes to me and it amazes me and makes me exhilarated. i feel like i have so much knowledge and it is bursting in my mind. :

there is a period of rem (rapid eye movement) sleep when your brainwaves are going at gamma phase (highest electric activity) and your eyelids are moving really quickly. rem sleep is the deepest sleep state. most people in rem don’t realize that there body is still moving, but Electroencephalography (EEG) can measure brainwaves by electrodes being attached to the forehead of people. some people who are somnambulists often have stressed minds, but their body is tired, so their mind is still awake and still controls some of the body’s functions although the body doesn’t realize it on a conscious level. from the science of sleep psychology and brainwaves. an axon carries nerve impulses to other cells, while a dendrite is an extension of the nerve cells in which nerve signals are received at synapses (junction where an axon and dendrite). also scientists are researching a way to make people who have been sexually assaulted heal through their dreams and brain functions. scientists have found out that sleep sex is a disorder in people who have been sexually assaulted, since the brain’s subconscious often surfaces in sleep mode what the conscious mind sometimes can’t remember. so they may be able to use the idea of sleep sex (in which the possible victims experience that they are having sex in their sleep, but don’t really know it in their conscious mind) to discover victims of sexaul assault and help them heal. from neuropsychology.

i find it is so much easier to let things run their natural course rather than beating yourself up for a fault that your inner bully makes it seem is there. i remember when i couldn’t do a pull-up and wanted to for junior year and it was an of-on practice where my inner bully would tell me that i was lazy and i wouldn’t ever be able to be strong. well i visualized myself doing a pull-up every day, ignoring the inner bully that was holding me back and i would spend ten minutes at the bar flexing. i also bench pressed to help my triceps and also did push-ups. i also tightened my abs, b/c i read that you tighten your abs, pull your shoulders back and use your triceps to bring you up and your biceps to steady yourself. it took a few tries and i forgot about my goal for a while, but when talking to one of my friends who knew how to do a pull-up, i was inspired again and i vowed to work on it. at first, my inner bully would be annoying and i would fail, but slowly i learned not to beat myself up and slowly relish the idea of becoming stronger and visualizing the goal. i began to trust myself and the process and push the inner bully back and now i have decent workout that makes me feel confident. so the main lesson i learned from this thing is to push away your doubts, go for your inner strength and confidence and trust that you will succeed and not to beat yourself up when things aren’t perfect, but take the mistakes and work on becoming better.

i hope that when i make a successful career of being a scientist, i might write a book about my life and i think i will include everyone who has helped me from google, facebook, tinybuddha.com and wherever else in life. i think my opening sentence on my college application essay called “How the Blog Changed my Life.” will be ‘There aren’t many places that can feel like home. Finding a place where you can be yourself is the best feeling that anyone can have. Here in the forums of tinybuddha.com, I have found somewhere where I can express my thoughts and work out my insecurities. At tinybuddha.com, I feel at home in a community that gives me words of wisdom. Looking back at all the posts I wrote on the forum of my life story called Too Criticizing of Myself, I realize I have grown from the insecure and confused person I was in middle school to someone with confidence and an idea of their career. ‘
my college doesn’t require an essay, but i’m preparing one when i transfer and need one. I’m going to work on tweaking it and adding more to it. since i still have senior year of highschool and 2 years at a community college to draft this essay, i hope to make it the best possible. anyway i think this essay will fit into the category of “moving beyond personal failures and entering into a new sense of self identity.”

in the meantime, i am working on ap biology. my inner bully was berating me today b/c i only received a 37/40 on my ATP essay. it was telling me how i made my information too detailed and how i didn’t synthesize the sources correctly. it told me how i am bad at taking notes, how i don’t know how to paraphrase things in simpler terms. it told me that if only i had listened to him, i would have gotten a perfect score. the inner bully made me quite irritated today, that i took out my ap biology book and started studying, as i was studying the inner bully was creeping into every corner saying that i should take notes here and not there. i told the inner bully to ‘shut up’ and with the image of an iron fist pushed him out of my mind. then i went back to my notes and kept a watchful eye for the inner bully just in case he would reappear, but he didn’t.

not to mention i think i hold back on physical relationships b/c my parents argue a lot over financial matters such as home repairs, internet, electricity and everything money related seems to be a complaint. they make the financial world seem so negative that it irritates me. i had another dream last night in which the buddha said to me “You don’t see the glass half-empty, but you see it half-full. You keep an optimistic outlook, but you also look at reality. You let things that are bad go and when you are angry, you like to be alone to let that anger out so it doesn’t harm anyone.” i saw myself on a cloud with the buddha also on a cloud above me and i had asked him “what is my philosophy on life? how do i view life” and that was his answer.

thanks a lot anita;) i had a dream last night that i was walking along a bridge through a forest being guided by a wise old man in a blue robe. It was march and he lead me to a camping site near a mountain where people were building fires and leaving out in nature by a mountain. upon arrival, the people looked up and i heard a voice say “you have brought her to the right place. here she will find her place to heal and be herself.” the wise old man nodded and was off leaving me. i lived in the log cabin with the other people (who were all wearing gold robes and some white- those who were working on being enlightened- and they seemed to be enlightened with a glow) enjoying the smell of the pine trees and the smell of cooking fires. i saw a rushing river where there were beautiful fish and drank in the richness of life. i saw myself gathering cotton from cotton plants and spinning it into wool for clothing. when we were going to break camp and be off somewhere else, there was a snowstorm and we were snowed in. luckily, we had our sleeping bags of cotton and decided to camp at the base of the mountain and wait for the snow to stop. anyway when it stopped, after shoveling a few inches, we were amazed to see to snow crystallized on the tree branches and we stopped to take in the breathtaking beauty. we decided to stay where we were for a few days until the snow melted and the people began to make cotton clothing again. while picking cotton and enjoying the sunlight,i noticed a woman with no hair who appeared to be in her late eighties with back bent. she seemed to radiate an inner light and i felt myself feel sorry for her and how time had aged her, but she flashed me a brilliant smile and her robes of gold were like the flames of the divine lighting her up. i asked her if she needed help picking the cotton and hurried to help her with her basket, but she declined. after looking at her for a while, i was quite surprised to see she was the very image of me as time faded myself. looking closer into her face, i saw myself in her, the same tanness, the same brown eyes and slender body shape, the only difference was the lack of hair and her slightly stooped back. i realized that i was looking at myself in old age and yet instead of feeling sad, i saw her radiant smile, looked at her gold robes and at my white ones and i realized that we were one and the same. i took her hand and together she became part of me and i became part of her. i realized that she was the part of me that had attained fulfillment in life and even though her outer presence was aged, her spirit remained youthful and strong. 10 years later, i saw this woman in white gown with roses adorning her in a meadow where the sun shined on her and i realized she had passed on. this vision gave me a sereneness for my future and i realized that life is truly beautiful and should be lived to the fullest, it also took some of my fears and insecurities away. when i returned back across the bridge instead of an wise old man i saw the buddha and angels and was surprised, but when i looked at the discarded blue robe, i understood that wise old man had been the buddha leading me on a journey through my life. leading me back across the bridge the buddha began to tell me “Use your creative talents to achieve your fullest potential. You have divine knowledge, know what you believe inside and use it to live your life. Let the star in you light up the world and pay no mind to those who hold you back for their fire only brings ruins and ash while yours will bring divine love if you let it. Embrace yourself and be confident with who you are. Also know that you may be a scientist, but your spirit always lies in nature and the words of your soul are expressed through your poetry, use that to help you in life.” the one thing that the buddha said to me that made me a bit sad was that I would be guided by divine love all my life, but I would be a monk and wouldn’t have any physical relationships because I had dedicated myself to learning about the divine and not the physical things. I wanted to ask the buddha what would make me have a loving relationship in my life, but he left. i was pondering what he said when the angels came and lifted me up to the heavens and i felt my heart open to divine love and my body become a star and i knew that my life was enough and that all i’d ever be even single would be okay.

Also i find that i don’t like my parent’s limited views on the world as they seem prejudiced towards some religions and also some people and i am more open-minded. i find that i am the polar opposite of my family, mostly my mom and i don’t even want to look like her which is one of the reasons i sometimes question my gender identity and the thing is i don’t look like her b/c i’m more toned from working out. my family is quite mechanical minded while i have a creative spiritual side and love nature. i embrace people with different religions and ethnicities while my parents critique them. my mom has yin energy, while i’m more yang. i enjoy playing sports and casual clothes while she enjoys buying clothes, shopping, typical feminine things. i also enjoy letting out my anger in creative ways such as dancing or writing, while they often let their anger control them. i am easy to talk to and don’t judge others regardless of whoever they are while my parents will be a bit judgmental.

good luck with your inner bully anita;) you have helped me lots and you are also an inspirational and compassionate friend. for the summer work for english 4 honors, i took notes mostly in the the book b/c i had my own copy of Brave New World. i didn’t answer the questions in a paragraph format (minimum of 4-6 sent.) like it said to, but i answered them quite simply with a few sentences. i find that i enjoy science and math more esp. pre-calc. i still remember most parts of the plot, i took a sparknotes quiz and received a 20/25. I don’t understand the reason John Savage hangs himself at the end of the story but i think it’s b/c of his disillusionment with the brave new world and the death of linda. i also wonder who henry foster is and his part in the story.
i wonder what caste lenina is and who she really loves. she seems happy to be part of society, but also has some debates esp. when she wants to see a savage reservation in new mexico. i think john savage is the director’s and linda’s son. i’m not sure who mustapha mond is as well, to me he seems to be the director, but maybe not. in the book, it explains how genetics are able to slow the aging process and keep people young and vibrant, but they only live till sixty. i don’t like the idea of predestination when they destine who will fit into which caste and there is a society without books. the soma drug reminds me of the drug abuse of modern society since people don’t want to deal with pain at times. i think it is cool that people can stay young until they reach sixty when they die b/c their cells are being restricted from their normal function. it is possible to slow the process of apoptosis (cell death) by inhibiting the enzymes that keep cutting dna telomerase strands short and causes aging, but since we are working against the normal process of our bodies we inhibit the functions of our body and don’t live as long. the questions for the summer reading require evidence from the text, so i just answered the main parts of the question and underlined the text in the book. i hope the teacher doesn’t collect the questions b/c then she will have to collect the book as well and it might be confusing for her/him. i like the scientific aspect of the book better than the literary aspects so my inner bully has been annoying me by saying “the teacher will fail you in her class b/c you didn’t pay attention to the literary themes, you paid attention to the sciences in this book.” while it’s true that i focused more on the scientific aspects than the literary aspects such as the theme, characters, pov and whatever else i’m more of a scientist than a literary person. i read books and write poetry for the overall theme and meaning not its parts, to me if i focus on the parts such as the grammar and everything else, it ruins the book’s main imagery and message. that is the thing i don’t like about english class, the teachers tend to dissect the book into so many parts and literary terms, that the book looses its meaning in a wider scope. dave says he doesn’t like to take notes when reading a novel b/c it takes away from his enjoyment of the novel’s true meaning and i think i understand what he means. dakota decided not to answer the questions at all, but read the book and take notes in it, that way he doesn’t have to be distracted by the questions and can get the whole meaning of the book. the questions are supposed to help us prepare to write an essay comparing a literary article to the book and take a test on it. the questions and test are counted as a project/essay grade in the 1st marking period. a lot of the questions correspond to the theme, conflict, character development and POV and they seem a bit repetitive.

here are the questions:

Using evidence from the text, explain the novel’s title.
How or when was the theme introduced into the novel? Identify two other details that helped shape the theme.
What is the overall theme of the novel. Cite evidence.
Using text, explain the conflict between the main character and someone else in the book.
What evidence from the text shows the character is working on a solution to the conflict.
If you could give any character advice who would it be and why?
Select a character from the novel that makes a change and explain the change citing text.
Choose three traits (from beginning, middle, end) to describe central character using textual support for each trait.
Explain the novel’s POV and cite from text.
How does the narrator’s POV explain how the events in the story progress, how would the story be different if the POV changed?