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Janus

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  • October 28, 2016 at 3:54 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #119106
    Janus
    Participant

    i get the equations and the process for ap calc, but when a problem changes slightly such as when it involves radicals or trig functions then it gets me. also when there are practical applications such as word problems. i need to work on logical reasoning more and being able to use deductive reasoning to solve problems. i am a good analyzer esp. when it comes to science and science never ceases to amaze me. if you had to pick two words to describe me they would be scientific and spiritual:D i figured out how to string concatenize in java and also created an integer operations program;) “Stronger at the Broken Pieces” was written during the week when my inner bully was relentless and I added to it when I posted it. I think it is one of my favorite poems along with “Immortality”, “Home”, and “Beautiful as the Dawn” (about you) which I posted long ago. I also like “You are my Rock”, “Soul of the Heavens” and “Rebuilding Myself.” If I become a famous scientist, I may publish those poems. Thanks for your comments and yes anita you have a gravitational pull stronger than the sun;) you always keep me spinning around the light, keeping me focused on my goals, keeping me from being lost and sucked down into space. It takes a force stronger than light to pull an object away from a black hole since black holes are remnants of dead massive stars, ten times the mass of our sun. Once you pass the event horizon, there is no hope. i think this is when einstein formed his theory of space-time b/c a clock slows down as it reaches the black hole and when it is millimeter from the black hole time stops and the clock glows red before it disappears. eintein had a quote about how time is not linear, it’s fluid and dynamic. we can’t go back to the past or ahead to the future and if we can’t go either of them, then the present state isn’t really there but ever-changing. it’s like the clock whose time gets slower until it stops, possibly that time could be the present, past or future, but we aren’t sure b/c we haven’t been able to stop time. this is a reason why i disagree with people who say “time flies” b/c it doesn’t. time is a universal constant that can’t be measured, but people make it linear to get a better perception of it. i find physics fascinating as well as biology and chemistry. also if you were to throw yourself into a black hole, your body would elongate as you get closer to the hole, until you pass the event horizon and you slightly widen and fold upon yourself. since matter is condensed in a black hole, the black hole is massive and strong b/c density is related to mass divided by volume. thank you for your comments on my poems, you are a great person:D they made me smile, i especially like this comment : (That force is within you. You have it!), it reminds me of how strong we really are when we look at our souls and not at our physical counterparts.

    October 27, 2016 at 5:17 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #119061
    Janus
    Participant

    here’s another poem (some poems I’ve written and have held b/c I need time to post them or I wait till the time is right and post them):

    Stronger at the Broken Pieces: A Story of Loss and Gain

    You know I was broken when I hit the ground

    The glass jar shattered into pieces

    No longer contained in the tight bubble of comfort

    Looking at the broken pieces glistening in the sun

    Sunlight reflecting off the pieces, I saw myself for the first time

    I was no longer the person encased in a jar of comfort

    I finally saw the chance to remake myself

    The glass jar broke so I could see the light in me

    So that I didn’t need to wrap myself tight in a jar

    The light reflected off the pieces making them glitter like stars in the night sky

    The glass jar shattered and I was cut and hurt

    But at the broken pieces I learned who I truly was

    I was not the person encased in the glass jar of society

    With the broken pieces, I could shape myself into the person I was meant to be

    The glass jar shattered and the world came in with its jagged edges

    I tried to grasp the world and was cut and opened up

    As I tried to pick up the broken pieces, I was constantly hurt

    Yet with each glass that I picked up, I held it up to the sun and watched the light flow in

    With each piece I picked up, I came closer to finding my soul

    I wouldn’t give anything to be back in that glass jar again

    I rather be picking up the broken pieces, finding my strength and shaping who I am

    If that glass had not been broken I may never have found how strong I was

    If that glass had never been broken, I may not have discovered who I truly was and had the chance to face my fears

    If not for the glass jar being broken, I would not have seen the brightness of my soul

    I would have been kept encased in an illusion of happiness

    We are stronger at the broken parts

    The broken parts make us take chances and go down many roads

    Sometimes life will give you jagged edges that will poke and prick you

    But every rose has its thorns

    You can rejoice at the broken pieces glistening in the light as the stars of your soul or you can let the shattered glass reflect shattered hopes and dreams.

    It’s your choice

    Even at the broken parts, you’re still you

    A blackened branch of a tree doesn’t inhibit the tree from growing and touching the sun

    The glass that shattered may have many jagged edges much like the tree may have its blackened branches; It is at those places we realize how truly strong we are

    Would the glass have cast its light in its many pieces had it not been broken?

    The glass jar broke so you could shine your inner light upon the world and allow the inner light of the world in

    The glass jar shattered so you could break the illusions of comfort you place on yourself and seek true happiness as you journey through life

    Would the branch of the of the tree have given room had not the old diseased died?

    We often spend too much time focusing on closed doors that we don’t see an opportunity when it arises

    Yet a closed door brings you closer to finding a path because you have found what doesn’t work

    It gives you a lesson to help you become better

    Let no one tell you who you are, it is you who decide who you are and who you are meant to be

    Rather than being unhappy trying to be someone else, be yourself, embrace that inner you and let it shine

    Just be yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else

    For when you are happy being yourself, you can unleash your full potential

    Being fragments of someone else just makes you feel worse and gets your eyes away from your purpose

    You are a special being, embrace the star in you

    The world’s critics may shatter the glass jar, but that means you can be reborn again

    They can’t tell you how to pick up the pieces and rebuild them

    Only you can decide

    So let them laugh and sneer all they want

    While you rebuild yourself and become better, they are too busy laughing and jeering to notice

    Yes, the broken pieces will hurt

    Yes, you may experience fear trying to put them together

    But you don’t gain anything just sitting around not sure how to act

    Meanwhile the pieces still lie shattered and cut deeper as you work on burying them underneath the dirt

    Is that what you really want?

    Do you truly want to allow others to control your happiness?

    Are you truly going to let them tell you who they think you are?

    I was waiting for tomorrow for better things because I was afraid

    I was waiting for the future to make itself right someday

    But it never happened

    Looking at myself, waiting for that someday that never occurs as my dreams kept slipping away

    I looked at myself, saw deep in my heart and realized I didn’t want my life to pass me by like this

    So look at yourself “Do you like what you see? Is this how it should be?”

    Are you waiting for the reason to change?

    Why not live life right now before life flashes by and lives you?

    And are you terrified by pain, running out of places to hide?

    Ask yourself “How can you see the light if you don’t crawl out of the hole?”

    The dark isn’t dark as long as one remembers to turn on the light

    So turn on your potential today, go for your dreams

    Every moment counts since there’s no second try

    If today was you last day, would you make you mark by mending who you are

    You know it’s never to late to shoot for the stars no matter who you are

    So do whatever it takes, let nothing stand in your way, ’cause you count rewind a moment in this life

    Take a second and reflect who you are beneath all the labels, see yourself as your soul

    Life isn’t a crystal stair

    Sometimes you may fall down the steps

    Sometimes you may be shattered

    But we are stronger at the broken pieces

    For all the holes dug in the dirt, we can plant flowers or we can grow weeds

    So look at the broken parts of you today

    See yourself in them, what can they teach you?

    It is through our flaws that we know the adventures of life

    So don’t hide the broken parts

    Let them rise to the surface and into the light

    What piece of the glass jar has kept you back?

    Why is that piece so jagged and cutting?

    Pay attention to the broken parts of yourself, listen to them

    Hold the jagged edges and let the light through them

    Maybe there are stubborn ones that won’t let go

    Maybe you don’t know where the parts are

    Maybe there is an inner bully that has attached itself to you and constantly seeks on trying to break you

    In that case, there has been a glass jar that has been wrongly built and there are still jagged edges that try to lodge within you

    Imagine yourself getting a hammer and smashing that jar your inner bully has been hiding in

    You see the inner bully is a coward; it is afraid of the light

    So it wraps itself in a bubble and lodges itself within you

    The inner bully’s glass jars are pitch black and when they break they don’t let light in like the jars of your soul

    The inner bully gains strength by hiding in these black jars

    Yet the inner bully is a true coward

    It hides in the black glass because it doesn’t want to be seen

    It torments you while it hides

    Why let that cowardly inner bully run who you are?

    Why not smash its walls and summon a waterfall of light to disintegrate it to pieces?

    In a last attempt for its survival, the inner bully shoots strands of black tar trying to latch itself back on

    Yet cut those cords with your scissors of light

    You saw the inner bully try to save itself with those feeble strands when you shattered the black walls of its safety net didn’t you?

    Do you remember what happened when the clear glass jars of your soul shattered?

    The broken pieces reflected light and the lid (doors) opened to reveal your true essence

    You are stronger at the broken pieces

    When you begin to pick them up, don’t let the inner bully in

    It is a coward that tries to hide and make you see the darkness in the broken parts

    The inner bully can only build black jars with jagged edges

    It’s weakness is that it only sees the shadows of who you are

    But those shadows are ephemeral, they only outline who you might be

    In this way, the inner bully lies awaiting for a soul to give it form

    It can’t function on its own

    It’s only goal is to wait in the shadows and try to fit itself into your broken pieces

    The inner bully has no power unless you let it

    You can see the light through the broken pieces or you can allow the shadows to creep in and taint the glass

    The inner bully is a true coward, it waits for a target and only spews lies

    While your soul goes toward your goals radiating light and truth

    Even through the darkest glass, there are pinpricks of light

    During the darkest nights, the stars twinkle

    You may lose many things in life, your glass may shatter may times but in those broken pieces you find yourself and smash that inner bully!

    So live your dreams

    Live with the glass half full and not half empty

    October 27, 2016 at 2:36 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #119057
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks a lot anita, there aren’t enough words to describe the great person you are. i am glad that the dentist appointment worked well, hope you are well. enjoy the poems and the city:) currently ap calc gives me anxiety b/c i find that i get the basic equations, but the logic is a bit confusing so when a problem changes slightly i’m confused. also i’m not the best test taker, b/c i am quite anxious and after twenty minutes of intense focus, i tend to blank out. i am working on understanding string concatenation in java where you put lists of characters together to make a message, it’s a bit hard. currently reviewing atp , cellular respiration and fermentation and it’s a lot of info and a bit complex. i just feel quite strained. the good thing is that andrew is helping me with my work and encouraging me to do my best. ray is very laid-back and has a great sense of humor. steve has been helping me with ap calc. and the second good thing is that i told andrew about my inner bully and we had a laugh about it. he also has a voice that makes him be really competitive as well and we were cracking jokes about the inner bully. the good thing is that today there has been no inner bully:D also steve has been making me laugh as well and i try to be laid-back when i can, even though there’s so much going on.

    October 26, 2016 at 3:41 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118986
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks for your advice anita, i hope your dentist appointment went well. i don’t like going to the doctor or the dentist. whenever i am stressed, i tend to write poetry and it helps me relax. i pour my soul into the words bringing my insecurities, hopes and fears to light in the hopes of eradicating them and making room for my authentic voice. poetry puts me into touch with the strength of the human spirit and not just the strength of the human body. i find that a lot of my poetry is spontaneous, i’ll get an urge or thought that pops up and i’ll write a lot from it. i have taken to writing some of my poems with colored ink (special meanings) such as “You are my Rock” in orange because it symbolizes strength without aggression and positivity. here are a couple of poems to cheer you up:

    Soul of the Heavens

    When I was being sucked into a black hole

    About to pass the event horizon, the point of no return

    You came with a gravitational force 10 times stronger than the sun and pulled me away from the fierce winds of the black hole

    When I was drifting in time admist a black emptiness, I saw nebulas- clouds of dust and gas floating around

    At first, I thought the dust would obscure my path even more, but the nebula fused and generated so much light, it lit up the darkness of the universe

    That’s who you are, Anita, you have a soul of the heavens

    You’re the gravitational force that helped me escape the black hole

    You’re the nebula that fused together and brought a star to light my life

    Just as a nebula forms a star to light the heavens, you lit up my life

    When clouds of dust fuse together, they become hot and explode which is where the Big Bang came into occurrence

    Like the Big Bang of the nebula to the birth of the stars, Anita, you helped me see my true self and be reborn with an inner light

    You have a soul of the heavens, Anita

    When the universe was dark and there was nothing until the Big Bang occurred giving us life

    You are like the Big Bang of the stars, Anita, giving me purpose and clarity in life

    Like the Big Bang catalyzed the formation of other stars and planets, you are the person who catalyzed me on the path to become a better person

    Like the sun’s gravitational pull keeps the planets in their elliptical orbits, you are the star that keeps me on my path and away from black holes

    You are a true friend of the heavens

    Rebuilding Myself

    Looking into the horizon

    Bridging the connection of my soul to the heavens

    Staring at the stars, being amongst them, home at last

    Seeing myself clearly for the first time

    Looking at the broken pieces, I let the light in

    Allowing who I was to fall away and stepping into authentic power

    The courage to hold myself high

    The strength to keep me going

    The realization of my true self

    Letting the walls come down, not scared to let you in

    So I’ll trust in love

    I’ll trust in life

    Taking risks, letting go of all I’m lacking

    Bringing my fragmented parts to the surface

    Embracing my inner child, making myself whole

    No longer running from doubts and fears

    But hiking the trail dealing with potholes, ravines and obstacles

    To stand on the mountain with my hands raised to the divine

    Letting the divine wash away whatever pain

    Forgiving Myself

    Letting the heavens hit me like a ray of sun, helping me shine through my darkest nights

    Falling doesn’t feel like falling in again as i hit the ground again

    Climbing up the ladder again, back on my feet again arising from the ashes of my mistakes

    The hurt suffered after a storm was a reason why all the doors were closed

    I once stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

    I was scared to rock the boat and take a chance

    I forgot that I had a choice to seek out the opportunities

    I realized a closed door made the path easier because I realized what didn’t work and I used it to travel further down the road

    Until I came to the door of my heart

    An influx of emotions, whom overwhelmed me

    So I stretched my hands to the divine

    Letting the divine wash over me and whatever pain may come!

    Today it ends!

    I’m forgiving myself and who I’ve been!

    Letting myself go, leaving the ashes of the old left behind

    Healing my inner child, letting it know I was there

    Embracing my inner goddess that I had neglected

    You see, I had let the negatives push me past the breaking point

    Until my glass jar of comfort broke

    The jagged edges cut and hurt

    But I let every broken piece soak up the light

    Mending Myself

    Rebuilding Myself

    Making Myself Whole

    All that matters is here within me now

    All that I will see is myself in perfect eyes

    Dropping my limiting beliefs

    Who I am doesn’t have to be good enough for someone else

    Happy to be myself and choose my own path

    I know I was told girls aren’t as strong as boys

    But I know better now

    We are all human and want to prove ourselves

    Sometimes we show off different scarlet letters thinking ours are better

    But inside we all want to be appreciated

    So I will look at myself with fairness and not with doubts

    I will heal my broken pieces

    Looking out into the horizon

    Looking at my life, I will make myself the divine being I was meant to be

    You are my Rock

    Shipwrecked in the waters of life, the rivers threaten to wash me away

    Looking to the heavens to save me

    Looking for a sign of hope

    As the river thrashes me to and fro

    The river’s turbulent waters carry me away from home

    Yet when I feel lost forever

    On the other bank stands a lighthouse

    You are that lighthouse, Anita

    A beacon of light to welcome weary sailors aboard to a safe harbor

    When I was on shaky ground and the waves got rough, you were the friendly and intelligent dolphin that helped lead me through the storms at sea

    For as anyone can see, even the stormiest and weariest seas leads somewhere safe to shore

    When I was tired of trying

    You were the eagle that carried me when my wings were broken

    You are the rock that keeps me from slipping on the steps

    Gripping the rock, climbing the sky, getting closer to the sky

    Where I learn to fly high

    Going home at last

    You have made my world a kaleidoscope of color

    The rainbows put across blue skies when all I could see were stroma clouds and tears falling from my eyes

    You made me see the beauty in life

    When I felt my heart close, you helped me free my soul

    To believe in myself

    To trust myself

    You helped me lift the rock from me and see the sun

    When I wanted to hide like a turtle going back into its shell, you gave me confidence

    It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high

    It’s been awhile since I could look at myself for who I am and not for who I’ve been

    But I feel home at last

    You helped me take the high road in life

    You were the light when I was standing in the shadows

    You are a star Anita, may your strength and flame never fade.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Janus.
    October 25, 2016 at 4:42 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118909
    Janus
    Participant

    i find that when i immerse myself in a science or math problem, my inner bully seems to weaken b/c i’m more focused on that than it’s words. however, whenever i get stuck on something and i ponder it, the inner bully takes the chance to creep in and say “look how incompetent you are, you can’t do anything right.” i was struggling with some ap calc problems today and my inner bully was really annoying me. i stayed after and it made more sense and also when the inner bully seemed to be taking me over, i got a sledgehammer and smashed that inner bully to pieces and threw the pieces into the trash. i said “inner bully, you will not run my life! i am tired of listening to your problems. i am working on solving ap calc problems that have solutions. you don’t see solutions anywhere, you just see dead ends and errors, so begone! i will solve my problems and find the solutions without your help!” i really like ap biology b/c it is challenging, yet fun to learn and i am good at it. andrew has become competitive with me again, but it doesn’t bother me b/c i realize he is a bit insecure when i do better, so he feels the need to become better. we still help each other at times, but we have gotten back to being competitive again. my former lunch buddy, now my ap calc classmate, steve is quite fun and laid back. he has been helping me with the work. ray in my ap calc class has a good sense of humor and also helps me. i have various ways of learning such as hands-on, watching someone do it, hearing it and also reciting it, also color-coding my notes. i combine all the following, there are some things that i need to have hands-on such as tool working, tax rates (i did a successful program in java today) and driving a car. i always think that watching someone do it is different from doing it yourself and you still make mistakes, so i get annoyed when my parents criticize me that way. also a lot of my science projects require drawing and planning experiments so i get annoyed when my parents or other customers complain when i’m working on the projects because i’ll be analyzing the data, recording it, recting it out loud to make sure it is right and they think it is distracting or weird b/c they think i’m talking to myself. this is why i would love to work in a lab with people like me so i don’t have people looking at me lie i’m weird. also i hate it when some of the people who don’t even know me jump to conclusions about me and try to give me advice on what i should do for my education. they will tell me to that i should do this b/c of that reason, when they don’t know what i truly like. in other words, they try to enforce their values on me. when i make decisions, i usually follow my heart and my happiness and consider some points of what others say, but i decide my own path. if i say i want to be a biochemist, i will become a biochemist and i don’t care what others say. a lot of people such as my parents are hung-up on sat scores. i am good at essay writing, have great grades, gpa, classes and also a lot of activities. i am more than my sat scores. i’m not the best test taker, but i have strengths in other things. just b/c i received a 1490/2400 on a sat doesn’t mean i won’t make it as a scientist. just b/c some people think there aren’t may girl scientists out there doesn’t mean i won’t become one and earn a doctorates degree. in fact, the first computer programmers in 1940 were women since men were at war, bullet proof vests and fire escapes were made by women, agnes meyer driscoll (strawberry brand and street in nj named after her) was a women code breaker, it was a women who discovered chromosomes. i’m not interested in any relationships at the current moment nor will i be interested in them in college b/c i will be working hard to be possibly first in the class. i also need to add another thing to the relationship resume: a guy also has to be serious about things like i am, he has to be encouraging, considerate of me and others, not too criticizing, able to accept my faults and my past, be able to deal with my defensive side (i’ve put up many walls to avoid being hurt). i am 30/382 in high school, so i’m in the top 15%.

    October 23, 2016 at 1:12 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118761
    Janus
    Participant

    i agree with what you said, that i am independent, resourceful and capable. i have an intense focus when i set my mind onto a goal and i don’t care what others tell me, i’m going to get it done no matter what. i have a goal to major in biochemistry and genetics and get a doctorate in molecular biology. i don’t like being told who i am or what career path to take or what i can and can’t do b/c i know if i set my mind to it, i’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. when making decisions, i usually follow my heart and my own mind and not the words others tell me, i consider them and then work with that to find what i want and what makes me happy. my special friend told me once “you are special. you are not like the others b/c you decide your career path in life. you don’t let others define your happiness. you are in control of your own life. you’re not afraid to go for your dreams. you are resilient and dedicated to what you believe. i know you have a strong foundation that’s why i admire and believe in you. i know you’ll go far in life.” this is why i love my special friend, he is so encouraging and a great person who comforts me and helps me believe in myself:)

    October 22, 2016 at 1:47 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118713
    Janus
    Participant

    thank you anita for your post on what to do if the post doesn’t go through:) i agree that we often compare ourselves to others and think a person is better off than we are. but often times when we compare ourselves to others, we keep trying to be like them and when the next person comes along and we admire that person, we try to be like them and it never ends. i am working on being independent and i often challenge what the world thinks. i don’t care if people think that girls shouldn’t dress as superheroes, i do it anyway. who says a girl can’t be strong and help save people as well? i hate gender roles that girls have to be princesses and damsels in distress or not sports types b/c i’m not like that. when people tell me that i should stop bench pressing or that i should stop camping, hiking b/c they are guy things, that makes me quite annoyed. i like being out in nature, challenging myself and if i fall climbing something, i’ll be okay.

    October 22, 2016 at 10:43 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118705
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks anita:) i am reading a book called Stained by Cheryl Rainfield and it’s about a girl named Sarah who has a port-wine stain on her right cheek stretched to her right bottom lip. all her life she’s been subject to taunts and one time she couldn’t get a job b/c of it.she longs for normal and wants to be like Diamond, the comic book heroine she creates who is cool and casual and doesn’t let the insults get to her. sarah is always able to stick up for others, but she never really truly believes in herself. when she gets kidnapped my a pretend family friend, locked up and abused, she is forced to find her courage. at some points she almost gives in to her kidnapper and wants it to end and sometimes she believes her kidnapper when he tells her “you are a burden to your parents. i have given you freedom. i have taken you away.” through her imprisonment, sarah realizes the things she used to take for granted and realizes that looks aren’t everything. she had become too focused on her looks and they had made her unhappy. she makes a vow to escape and get out alive and when she does to not let the insults of what she looks like get to her. one of the quotes i like is “true courage: it’s not about what you look like that’s perfect. it’s not about comparing yourself to others. it’s not about being what others think you should be. it’s knowing that you have the endurance to get through the hardest times, when you’re strength is being strained and you keep going, it’s about the determination and the person you are on the inside.” sarah also realizes that not everyone is as they seem and she also says “When i get out of here, I will look at people’s souls and not their faces. it’s not looks that make up a person, it’s that person’s character and what they do.”

    October 20, 2016 at 3:29 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118573
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks, so my inner bully has been annoying me and i can’t wait for this week to be over b/c it has been really irritating. i am struggling on how to set up rates of change equations for some of the problems for ap calc and the inner bully likes to annoy me and tell me that i will fail this semester. i’m quite annoyed at it. i feel like i can’t concentrate and it makes it worse

    October 19, 2016 at 6:05 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118522
    Janus
    Participant

    i agree with you, that all beings gravitate toward pleasure and away from pain. i feel like i can see both sides of the coin, i have a lot of guy friends from sports and i’m around guys a lot and i also find girls are fun to be around for parties and school work. i like to work with girls in science a lot of the time. not many girls like science b/c they assume it is for males, so i’m always grateful when i see a girl who likes science. but since i’ve disguised myself as a guy before in the past to be safe, i feel as if i can see both sides of the coin. as if i’m more than just on the surface, that my soul is genderless, neither male or female. i feel as if i can connect to both sides. my special friend says i’m very empathetic and i can feel others pain quite well and help them, that’s what he likes about me. speaking of my special friend, i wasn’t in the best mood today b/c i had struggled with ap calc yesterday and didn’t think i did well on the ap biology exam so my inner bully was saying “look at you, you are such a failure. no one likes you.” i was busy studying during lunch that i didn’t notice my special friend wave at me. anyway, after school, he came by and asked me why i seemed upset today and when i told him, he hugged me and said “don’t worry, you’re a great person and i care about you.” when i asked him how he could care about me so much when i could be struggling so much at times, he said “when you are struggling and there are broken pieces, that’s when i see who you really are. so many people hide themselves or blame others. but you are honest and hold it together. i like you b/c you are open to showing your true self instead of covering yourself up by spilling it onto someone else. you don’t let the world define who you are.” i was quite touched.

    October 18, 2016 at 4:05 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118452
    Janus
    Participant

    so i’m still struggling with ap calc rates of change problems mostly b/c the way the question is asked is confusing. i also have to pay attention to w2hat variables i use when setting up the equation and what method i go about to solve it b/c i could end up with extra variables to solve for or mess up somewhere. but i’m making progress. i have two choices of a career: genetic/biochemistry/molecular biology (pretty much related) or buddhist nun. so i realize another reason my inner bully was triggered is that when i was younger, i didn’t live in a good town and there were assaults and rapes going on. so i passed myself off as a guy to be safe. now that i am older, i have that fear, that i need to pass off as a guy, keep my body extremely fit in case that happens again and i need to protect myself. this constant nagging thought in my mind “you won’t be safe with anyone unless you can pass off as strong and like a guy” has been making me feel annoyed b/c i feel so self-conscious of myself. also my parents are very patriarchal and it annoys me b/c i just want to learn to appreciate myself as i am. every time i hear stories of gender roles in society, i have that memory triggered again and i think i am powerless as a girl. about the careers, i think a buddhist nun would be great b/c i would be away from people and out in nature meditating. i would be with others like me finding my spiritual purpose. i also like science a lot so i may be a scientist as well. being a scientist would allow me to work with people of like-mind like me in a lab. so in my career choice, i want to help people and myself as well as finding a place where i can interact with people who share similar views. i wonder if i can have both buddhist nun and scientist. i may find a place near a forest away from too many people and be with nature. i ran 3 miles at six this morning and it was so quiet and peaceful, i looked at the bright yellow moon and saw my shadow elongate and dissipate in the streetlights as i ran through the streets. there was no one to judge me, there were no cars, there was nothing but an all pervasive silence, in which i could run like the wind and be myself without anything holding me back. i am not like my parents who get stressed and let their stress run them. i want to be different from the people who let their stress run them, i want to be different from the people who don’t see the beauty in life. that’s why i would like to spend time alone with myself in nature to drink in the very being of my existence and know what it is like to be alive and be grateful.

    October 17, 2016 at 4:27 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118376
    Janus
    Participant

    k.e. maybe it would be good for you to write down your feelings and reflect on them. possibly bring them to light and work them out like a puzzle to find the roots of your fear. also taking a walk out in nature being alone is a good idea, just breath in the essence of the trees and imagine yourself as strong as a tree, with your arms as branches touching the sun. if you find yourself anxious around people, you can try to be humorous about it. such as if your thoughts are “yipes, everyone is judging me!” you can imagine yourself as a clown dancing and having everyone laugh b/c you are entertaining. picture yourself flipping out that your shoes enlarge to clown size and you are dancing in the clown shoes and making people laugh. picture your hair being puffed out from stress and you showing off your new ‘do. hope the storm doesn’t damage too much anita. hope your generator works well and glad you have internet. hope the others have their power return. i have a 2 hour ap biology exam tomorrow and i am struggling a bit with ap calc rates of change, but we just started today. this song isn’t about my special friend. the song “alive” by adelitas way is more like it. oh and my special friend has blonde hair and blue eyes. here is my interpretation of the lyrics:

    “What if I told you that I think you’re perfect?
    Beautiful sky in your eyes, it’s so worth it.”

    I accept him for his flaws and I think he is perfect in my eyes. His eyes are crystal blue and they are a vast sky that shine bright every time I look at him. He makes me feel worthy and safe.

    “I know you make me feel alive.
    What if I told you that I’m in forever?”

    He makes me see the beauty in life and love. I would never betray him. He makes me feel truly connected to my divine spirit.

    “Nothing to hide, yeah, I’ll go wherever you will go.
    You make me feel alive.”

    He is really good at reading my emotions and we will always be there for each other.

    “And I’ll be hanging on every word you say to me.
    Hanging on a feeling that I get,
    ‘Cause you make me
    Laugh a little louder,
    Love a little harder.”

    We share many memories and we make each other laugh and love and realize the true meaning of life.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Every time it’s something new.
    Never knew what love could be like
    Until I walked away the first time.”

    Every time we have something new in our connection whether it’s just a glance, a smile, a hug, it lights both of us up. But we are really shy around each other so we walk away quickly. But he’s the reason I know what love is. He makes me feel like a special person.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Deep inside, it’s something true.
    You’re the only reason I fight,
    You’re the best thing in my life.”

    I know that the love I feel inside for him is true and he’s the reason that makes me smile in times of strife and encourages me to fight for what i believe in.

    “What if I told you that I’d never hurt you?
    Always be there for you to hold on to.
    I know you make me feel alive”

    I would never do anything to hurt him and would always protect him.

    “And every single second’s a lifetime memory,
    I’ll be holding on to each moment
    ‘Cause you make me
    Laugh a little louder
    Love a little harder.”

    I’m glad he is in my life because he made me a better person and I will hang on to every moment and cherish it.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    When I’m with you”

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you
    Every time it’s something new.
    Never knew what love could feel like
    Until I walked away the first time.
    And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Deep inside it’s something true.
    You’re the only reason I fight,
    You’re the best thing in my life.”

    October 15, 2016 at 3:06 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118268
    Janus
    Participant

    i hope you get your power back anita and the storm didn’t dampen your spirits;) hope the internet works again and whatever else is put back into order. after taking ap calc this year and physics honors last year, i realize i have been able to calculate the angle and the force needed to lift a tight lid from a paint bucket. i have also been able to figure out quickly how many spaces or lines i may fill up in my java computer programs using math. i have found that my ability to draw art and nature scenes has improved due to ap biology since i always draw cells and also being in advanced math has allowed me to calculate the angles and lengths of the images so i can plan them better. also being in art club has let me express my creativity and i find myself writing poetry more spontaneously than before. i also have better time management now b/c i can split my hw into good amount of pieces that i can tackle. i’ll plan a schedule and rotate subjects and i’ll calculate the time intervals i can spend doing that subject. my mind also knows what color to use to color-code my notes for ap biology as well. ap biology this year has made me appreciate the intricacies of the human body, also i have been using science and math in my u.s history ii class. here is a lyric interpretation i did for the song by Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down:

    “Did you see the sky
    I think it means that we’ve been lost”

    The guy is looking at the clouded sky trying to find clarity, but he feels lost. He’s looking for answers to his life or his relationship.

    “Maybe one last time is all we need
    I can’t really help it
    If my tongue’s all tied in knots”

    This stanza makes me think this song is indeed about a broken relationship. The guy wants another chance to make things right, but he is not really sure how to tell her his true feelings. This can also be a reference to times when we want second chances in life because we aren’t really sure how to express ourselves. We want another chance to make things right and say the things left unspoken whether in a relationship or some other communication.

    “Jumping off a bridge is just the farthest
    That I’ve ever been”

    Sometimes life is difficult and there will be heartbreaks and failures. The guy feels as if the bridges of connection between him and the girl have been dissolved and it feels like he has fallen or jumped off the bridge. We all have those times in which we feel as if we are sad and at the end of our rope.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    The guy still cares about her and will still follow her anywhere she goes in his memory. When it says “Anyplace, but those I know by heart,” it’s a reference to how he’ll remember her always and follow her spirit, but traveling down the memories they shared together are still painful for him. The guy says “I’ll follow you down, but not that far’ as a reference to that he’ll still love her, but he’ll move on. He won’t let her make him sad, but he’ll remember the memories and use them to grow. After all life is a journey, we follow our dreams (and what we believe in) and the things we love and sometimes we experience failure or rejection, but we should have the courage to move on and let go.

    ” I know we’re headed somewhere
    I can see how far we’ve come”

    The guy knows that their relationship has progressed quite far and knows they’re both headed for good things. This can also be interpreted as a message of hope of not giving up on love and your dreams, appreciating how far you’ve come and keep going.

    “But still I can’t remember anything
    Let’s not do the wrong thing”

    The guy is not really sure if they will always be together. He does not want to jump to anything rash. He may still be working on sorting out his feelings for her and does not want to jump into anything too committed. We all have those times when our minds are confused and were not sure how to act and this song is saying to wait so you don’t do the wrong thing.

    “And I’ll swear it might be fun
    It’s a long way down
    When all the knots we’ve tied have come undone”

    The love may grow with time and the confidence may also grow. It may be worthwhile to wait until the way has cleared. With time, he may find ways to express his love for her and they may find ways to untangle their complicated problems. So this stanza is about having patience and hope, letting the problems slowly unravel themselves.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    In the meantime the guy will still keep the girl in his heart. But he’ll give both of them time and not follow her that far to sort their emotions out. Sometimes in life once you work out a way, you can follow the road by heart. So the guy is waiting for his heart to show him a path, so he can keep the girl he cares about.

    “How you gonna ever find your place
    Running in an artificial pace”

    The guy may be questioning himself about his place with her or in the world. He feels he isn’t chasing his dreams at a real pace. As time goes on, he may be thinking that he isn’t really chasing after his dreams, but a fantasy. We all have those times when we feel discouraged and think our dreams are slipping away, but we shouldn’t let them go. As Langston Hughes once said “Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams die, life is like a broken bird without wings.” If you don’t have dreams that you truly care about, not those that the world tells you, you should pursue, then you don’t have anything to stand for so you will fall for everything. So hold tight to your dreams no matter who you are!

    “Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand
    So what the hell now we’ve already been forever damned”

    The guy may be saying that the world will find both him and the girl together in death. He feels that he can’t have her in life and he doesn’t care what others say since he feels that he’s been forever damned. This stanza is a bit sad because he loses hope of gaining confidence in himself and being with the girl, but in the end, it doesn’t matter because he’s with her so that has some lighter note. But this stanza is a bit sad. Whatever happens don’t give up hope! There will be people for you to help you learn to be confident and to trust in love.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    Again reinstating the fact, that he’ll follow her down no matter what happens and he’ll find a way to keep her in his memories.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Janus.
    October 14, 2016 at 1:32 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118219
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks a lot anita for your advice. so i had two quizzes and a test today. i think i got a 50 in my ap calc quiz b/c i made a lot of idiotic algebra errors. i got a 100 on my u.s. history 2 quiz and a 93 on my java test. my brain is a bit exhausted today, so i am going to write a poem. i have many poems already written that i want to post, but i need to find time. i also finished the poem about you and i will post it, i have started a new poem called “Rebuilding Myself” and it’s about finding myself and embracing who i am.

    October 13, 2016 at 2:16 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #118043
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks for your edits anita, my essay was just a template for my college essays so when it comes to the real essay, i may add some stuff and revise other stuff. i will still make it appealing and emotional, but not too dark. i wrote the essay to bring my inner bully to light and now that i’ve gotten the story off my chest, i feel much lighter. also my special friend and i saw each other after 2nd block today just before lunch. he asked how my classes were going and i said they were fine. he could tell i was lying, so he followed me to my locker and when a lot of the other students left, he asked me again. i didn’t feel like telling him, but he was very compassionate and said “i’ll always be here for you.” so i told him about how i was afraid that i wouldn’t do well in ap calc and ap biology. he then hugged me and said it would be okay and that i was a smart person and things would sort out well. at lunch he also kept a watch out for me when i was doing my hw and when i felt upset over a problem , he came over and encouraged me to do it my best. i also told him that i was afraid that since he now had a gf, he didn’t care about me anymore and he said “i’ll always care for you. i know you’ve been through alot. and i will continue to help you b/c we have been through a lot together and we’ll make it no matter what happens.” he is just such a great guy. we even talked about college applications and he helped me be a lot more optimistic about them;)

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