Hi Anita,

These days I feel like my inner bully has taken 55% of me and the other 45% left is someone I don’t know anymore. I feel I have lost myself. The only things I know I am are scientific and spiritual(includes poetry, buddhist wiccan). Everything else doesn’t seem to fit anymore. I have such social anxiety around people and I think they are seeing me as weak, fat or dumb. I tend to be reclusive and when I’m not around people I am okay. There are some guys in my lunch that aren’t the very nicest and they make fun of me for being smart and for being a girl. I feel like i don’t want to be a girl if they see it as weak and only guys work out and play competitive sports, but I don’t want to be a guy either. I’ve lost my sense of gender. AP Calc makes sense to me, but I’m still working on the logic of the problems and AP Biology is fun. But underneath all of the perfection that is on the outside, there is an inner turmoil that keeps me thinking people are going to be mean and it makes me hide myself more.

so my inner bully has been bothering me most of this week. but thursday night, i did some meditation and it cleared. the schedule for this week of school has been skewed due to parcc testing for freshman and sophomores. some blocks are 130 minutes while some are forty. my ap biology teacher gave us the second part of the midterm on wednesday to work on in groups using notecards and it was relatively easy. the last part of the midterm which i did today with a group also using notecards was the hardest, but i think i made it through. i got a 95 on the midterm first part that i had to complete over winter break. do you remember the guy i mentioned a while ago in a forum post that i saw in the library that looked like my special friend? well i saw him at lunch on wednesday and he was the same laid back guy and he smiled at me. i was a bit shy, but i said hi and smiled back slightly with my head tilted away. i had to go reschedule my guidance appointment for college today and i asked my u.s history ii teacher if i could during the first five minutes before class. i thought i would make before the bell, but i was 4 minutes late. along the way, there was the same guy that looked like my special friend in the same hallway talking to his friends. he was laid-back just strolling into a history class, while i was running. we looked at each other and laughed. lunch was fun today, my friends and i were having a contest trying to flip water bottles and land them upright. i got three in a row first and we were all laughing: benton, sierra and i. some of my other friends not in the contest also started helping those who were in the contest. there was one guy who went to another table and asked them to cheer me on and there was a guy at the table who was teaching me how to do it. i caught the attention of my special friend and at first i didn’t notice he was watching me until he sat at a nearby table and smiled at me and was also cheering me. we were all having fun. my special friend also told me “i haven’t seen you laugh and smile like that for many months. it really makes me brighten to see you being more laid back.” i don’t smile as often b/c i’m usually busy with school work or my inner bully just likes to annoy me, so when i am having fun it often makes others laugh as well. my special friend told me “you have an inner candle that can light the world if you want to. so shine your brightest and cast the stars on the night sky.” so in java i figured out how to create a actual pop-up window that can be opened and closed called a GUI and it converts the world “sunflower” to the latin term if you click the latin button and it displays the english form if you click english. when my inner bully is inactive, my subconscious mind is quite active and sometimes i find that my subconscious mind knows how to solve a problem even before my conscious mind realizes i’ve solved it. i’m trying to figure out how to make my subconscious mind help me solve logic problems in math and science.

here are some things to do for new year’s:

two meditations from my reiki class

Fire and Water Meditation (This meditation will allow you to stay warm during cold and purify yourself using your breath) I will post more on how to enter a trance state and call upon your spirit guides and angels to help you activate the healing energy inside. After that we will talk about healing different aspects of the body and how to detect illness.

Here is the meditation:

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, let yourself become relaxed in your chair. Imagine your breath as a halo and surrounding your body with fire. Feel this fire warm you, take it into your physical body as you inhale and imagine it coursing through your body through your veins giving you warmth. With each exhale, imagine the fire leaving and connecting a strand with the divine to your heart chakra. You can use the affirmation: “I am protected by the divine. No longer am i cold.”

To purify yourself, possibly a part of your body (It can be a part of your body that you are criticizing about or have some trouble, pain there):

Imagine your breath as fire surrounding the area giving warmth and healing to the area. Next exhale and connect the fire to the divine again. Then imagine you are standing in a pool and there is a waterfall. Go near the waterfall and imagine the water cascading down throughout your body washing away negativity. Protect yourself from negativity by imagining your breath as a white light forming a halo protecting your aura and affirm “I am at peace. I am protected and healed from negative energies.”

(You can use two different colored beads on a string to measure the balance of your in-breath and outbreath. Spend time in the meditation for 10-15 minutes and practice it for at least 3 weeks or as long as you need to.)

2nd meditation

With your eyes closed:

Imagine a blackboard in front of you as you count down the numbers from 5-1.
5 Your thoughts are starting to lessen in intensity as your body begins to relax.
4 Your thoughts are becoming like clouds now fading and fleeting as the tension in your body begins to melt away.
3 Your body is traveling down a path of ancient stairs as your thoughts begin to melt away until your mind is like a clear blue sky on a summer day
2 Your body releases its physical heaviness as you go deeper down the stairs until you come upon a door, Open this door and allow yourself to sink into the basement of your subconscious mind
1 You are in trance now, feeling wonderfully good and eager to meet your guides and angels to awaken your inner healing

Imagine yourself standing on a beach letting the sun’s rays fill you with energy, smell the crisp salty air around you, hear the waves crashing

As you lie there on the sand, feel the sun’s energy coursing through your body’s chakras energizing you from your root to your crown

Imagine a light coming from the divine entering into your crown chakra and say “My consciousness is aligned with the divine”

Allow the light to flow to your heart chakra and say “I am spreading divine love and light. I am initiated with the power to heal.”

Imagine the light wrapping around you like a bubble, fusing with your aura and say “I am breathing in divine healing energy and radiating divine love. I am calling upon my spirit guides and angels to help me channel this Reiki energy through me now.”

Surround your aura with light and intone “Spirit guides and angels, may I ask your name?”

Listen with your subconscious mind to the insights and images you receive. As your guides and angels a question such as “What is my life’s purpose?” and “How may I heal and attain my life’s purpose?”

Listen to the images you receive. Imagine your guides and angels wrapping you with wings of divine light and healing.

Feel the energy of healing course through your body and out through your hands and send it where it may go to yourself, a loved one or the planet.

Tell your spirit guides and angels “Thank you for helping me awaken my healing abilities.”

As you being to climb the stairs back into your physical body, know that you can call upon your angels and guides at any time to assist you in healing.

Open your crown, open your heart and feel the energy coursing through your hands and send it wherever it may go

Archangel Raphael is the angel of healing and I often call upon him to heal. If you have any beings you call upon to assist you, feel free to use them to help you.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Janus.

thanks for your comments anita:) lately i’ve been having dreams of golden threads of light wrapping around me and dispersing black mists which i think is negative energy. then the golden threads wrap me up until i am a golden bundle much like the caterpillar wraps itself up in a cocoon when it is getting ready for metamorphosis. in the golden bundle, i am changing and there is white light glowing until the golden threads all unbundle and out comes an angel. with one sweep of her wings the angel emits light that surrounds the earth and soon the angel raises her wings and is off in flight. below her the golden threads transform into lyrics of her soul voice and they resemble the poetry i write. then the angel soars up to the heavens where she meets the buddha on a cloud and the buddha says “you have wrapped yourself in the inner bully for too long. it is time to free your wings and fly.” yet, the newly born angel doesn’t know how to have the confidence yet so the buddha raises his hand and a white light swallows the angel. the angel hears the buddha’s voice saying “Without the waters of tears there would be no nourishment for flowers to grow. Without holes, there would be no place for flowers to grow. When people throw mud at you, use it to grow. Just like the lotus that grows from the mud, let the sufferings make you stronger, so you establish roots and grow to touch the sun.” The buddha lifts the angel and lets go saying “Let your wings fly and touch the sun. And when the skies get rough, keep your sights on the light. The light may be hiding slightly behind clouds, but it is always there. Be the candle that lifts people up and not the wind that blows the light out.” So the angel flies over the world and every where she unfurls her wings, light is dispersed. And the Buddha says “You see, you’ve always had the light within you. Nothing can put the flame out. So nourish the star within for you will be a light that lights up the black velvet of darkness.” With that, the Buddha floats away on his cloud while the angel flies confidently and the Buddha said “Farewell angel of the heavens let your authentic music play.”

don’t worry, soon the words will flow from you. true poetry takes time, but once it comes, the words flow from the depths of your being and bring you closer to yourself. i was taught how to write poetry in seventh grade by my language arts teacher and i enjoyed writing while i was in her class. it was a hard time for me in seventh and eighth grade to write the words when i wasn’t in class and doing poetry as an assignment b/c i was bullied and i found that all the words that flowed on the paper were ones of sorrow and pain and i didn’t want my life story to be written like that. it was my special friend whom i met in the second semester of seventh grade that propelled me to write many poems outside of class. most of the poems i wrote during that time were about him. however later starting high school, in freshman year and the end of eighth grade i began to write spiritual poetry. i wanted to find a way to write about the spiritual nature of being out with my special friend in nature. i remember in freshman year of high school when i was stressed from school, my special friend and i went into the woods and we raced. it was fun watching nature rush by and when we stopped for breath we were both laughing. i realized that i needed to find the words to explain how i felt around my special friend and how being out in nature made me feel, so i turned to poetry. it was a bit hard at first and there were times when i wasn’t sure what to write, but i would just cherish the feelings and sing songs. my special friend often told me that i was quite shy around him and it is true, i never knew how to say the words i felt inside to him, but i showed him i cared. he told me “i know one day you will find the words. and one day those words will light the darkness and bring your true self to the surface.” he was right b/c i have been writing poetry ever since and i have been bringing myself to the surface, healing and finding myself. i know you will find the words as well anita, and you will help light up the world with those words. Also I like having my hair short b/c I succeeded in a sock bun today and it looks neat. With long, thick hair the bun gets knotty and loose and strands fall in my face and I hate that. The hair fits perfectly in the bun and it dries faster. in the meantime here are three poems:

Oftentimes I feel slightly drained after writing narrative or spiritual poetry. When I’m writing, it’s like another force takes over me and the words flow onto the paper from my inner self. I often get my inspiration for poetry from books I read and songs I listen to, but sometimes a word or a phrase will pop up in my head on its own for me to use. Poetry allows me to bring light to the issues I am facing, to make them physical and work my way through my insecurities. Through my words, I can express my inner emotions and come closer to knowing my true self.

Soul of the Heavens (for Anita)

Stars twinkling in the night

Shining like diamonds admist a black canvas

One star shines brighter than the others

One star points steadfastly north

That star is you

Through the darkest days, that star guided me father than I thought I could go

Shining like a work of art

Helping me paint a glow on the blank canvas

All the wavelengths of light in the brightest spectrum

The rainbow that bridges across the sky to help me cross rivers of tears

The light shining through the prism casting rainbows on the walls I had built up

I let the walls fall away and the light come in

You are the light that gave me a reason to show a side of me that I was afraid to show

And I’ve found a reason for me to be stronger

And the reason is you

You are a soul of the heavens

Carrying the light to guide lost souls

When my wings are broken, your sunshine helps reseal the broken pieces

And I fly again

In the darkest and stormiest nights, your candle helps light the way

Your soul is a flame that helps fuel others

Your soul is the north star that guides me when I’ve lost my map

Your soul is of the heavens

The constellations sprinkled across the sky

Forming patterns of the goals in life

When all I see is a blank canvas with holes, you help me see the stars

You help me build the constellations in the shape of my dreams

And the steadfast north star that you are helps me keep on the path

You are a soul of the heavens providing the light to help me home

Refueling the spirit

When the flames climbed to the sky

Stopping me in mid-flight as I fell to the Earth

I saw my broken pieces laid out before me

Looking at the sky, it felt like I’d been lost

Yet through the ash and the smoke clouds, there was a sun hiding behind

The speckled rays of the sun even a little cast light upon the darkness

And I realized that one candle can light the darkness

With hope renewed, like the sun I will live to rise

From the ashes of my former self I saw who I truly was

I began to rebuild myself, making myself better

I saw the inner bully reflected in some of the broken pieces

As I walked along the path, picking up the pieces the shadow of the inner bully followed

And the shadows filled me causing me an empty heart

It seemed I couldn’t see beyond the scars

Looking around, it seemed darkness had encloaked me

That was when I saw the night sky

If there had been no velvet blanket of darkness, then the stars wouldn’t have shined

If there had been no holes, then there would be no place for stars

Looking at the night sky, I saw myself shine

Watching the sun rise at dawn, I realized I too can rise

Like the sun I will rise after long nights of darkness

Like the stars I will refuel my spirit and shine

I had often been the mirror reflecting light to others

But I realized I needed to be the candle and shine my light

Yet I was afraid, held back by my self-doubts and inner bully

And I felt numb watching my life pass me by

I looked within and said “This is ridiculous. Why let doubt run my life? Fear doesn’t get me anywhere.”

And I thought “What about now? What if I make myself all I was meant to be now?”

Yet I kept running and hiding, scared to rock the boat

That was when I opened my eyes and saw myself

Running from your fears doesn’t help solve them

So I gave myself a chance to stand tall

The wind rattled the candle and blew it out many times

I was lost without a light

There were times it was hard to relight the candle and I let the current pull me along

I watched myself slowly lose myself

Until I was almost under

I heard my heart beating and realized I wanted to keep going

So I looked to the sky to save me

Ran to the angels hoping for someone to pick me up again

I was tossed by the waves and dashed on rocks

But even the weariest and stormiest river winds somewhere safe

Just when i was about to lose hope

A safe harbor appeared on the horizon

On the banks stood a lighthouse

I stood entranced soaking up the light

A weary sailor finding safe shore

I made my dock onto the shores

In the lighthouse watching the waves dancing and kissing the shore

I felt peace

I had been through the darkest moment of my life and I had surpassed the storms

I had found the rainbow after the hurricane

I was home where I belonged

I don’t regret this life I chose for me

I won’t run from my fears anymore

I am the keeper of the lighthouse now

It will glow for other weary travelers to find their way home

And as I pick up my wings and fly away home I realize I have made this life my own

I realize I’m beautiful with scars

Scars mean you were stronger than what tried to break you

I always had the candle within me

I always had the courage of the stars to shine bright through the darkest nights

And like the sun I will rise and refuel my spirit after the ashes of my old self fall away

And I will raise the torch of the lighthouse above the shadows, above the inner bully

For this torch burns for eternity guiding lost souls and keeping the shadows away

Just the Way You Are (finding the light within yourself)

I was afraid to speak my voice

So I sat quietly and forgot that I had a choice

I left my body lying along the current drifting through the sands of time

Through the darkest of my days, there must have been a light

Maybe it was too far away or

Maybe I was just blind

I heard the faint beating of my heart

And I waited for the reason to change

I waited for the day to appear when I could show the true side of me

And I realized as I looked within myself

As I watched the world outside

I opened my eyes and looked to the sky

I saw the sun shining in its fierce glory

And I realized I was just watching life pass me by stuck in the valley of shadows

The sun shined its light steadfastly

And I wanted the unwavering light

So I took a chance

A reason to change who I used to be

A reason to show the light again

A reason to start over new

To open new doors and not let the world run who I was

I ran to the edge and I fell

At first I was scared I was falling, but looking back at the fear I left behind I felt free

A sense of weightlessness came over me

A new sense of being and strength came over me and i began to fly

I had been afraid to come to the edge

Afraid to fall that I had missed many chances in life

I was waiting for the end and it came since I was letting my life fall out of my hands

So I took a chance

I went to the edge and jumped

I was afraid, but I gained the strength to fly

Now I’m free fallin’

And I see my reflection in the currents below me

I saw myself shine

I dropped a stone into the pond and saw the ripples

I saw myself in the concentric circles that formed, the unity of the circles within each other

You see the stone in the river had been similar to the hurts I’ve faced

Just like the stone sank and the ripples of the water proved unity

I thought beauty was just on the surface

I buried the hurts underneath

And I thought if I was okay on the outside, it wouldn’t matter the rocks underneath

But that wasn’t true

I kept seeking perfection on the outside

While on the inside I buried the rocks under the sand

Yet I was like the ocean

At times I had turbulent storms

I realized there were many people out there and I couldn’t be like all of them

I am me for a reason

And as I saw my reflection in the pool of tears I had cried from the rocks thrown in

I saw myself for the first time

I realized it didn’t make sense to hurt myself more when I had been hurt already

I had let the bad things define me, but I was ready to heal

I looked deep beneath the surface, beneath the reflection I saw

And I saw hope

I saw a potential to achieve

But most importantly I saw me under the layers

And I realized that no matter what mask I wore

The real me would always be there

The real me had been imprisoned by illusions

I had let myself sink into a mental prison gaining truth from a thousand lies

So I chose to let mercy come and forgive myself

To reach in and find the person I truly was

And to wash away the illusions

Put to rest all the lies I made myself believe

And start over new with a clean slate

I reached beneath the surface and pulled the real me out

I told the real me that it was okay and I appreciated who I was

And I began to converse with the real me

I let the world’s expectations fall away

I realized being yourself is what’s important

Because those who matter don’t mind

And for those critics it’s their fault for not seeing the beautiful soul you are

So let your soul shine

Don’t let the critics define who you are

You’re beautiful just the way you are

You’re beautiful with scars

Don’t bury your dreams and let the rocks hurt you

Beauty lies beneath the surface

And all the words they come up with if it isn’t positive, it doesn’t need your attention

What a shame it would be for a person to never realize the true light within and keep trying to achieve what others want them to do

The whole world is full of everybody else, but few realize their true selves

So do whatever it takes to make your star shine in this world

thanks anita:) i find that my inner bully disappears when i’m writing poetry. poetry brings me closer to myself and as the words flow onto paper, i bring to light the inner voice that i have that sometimes is masked by the inner bully. i have finished two poems “Refueling the Spirit” and also “Just the Way You Are.” both are about healing from life’s hurts and finding acceptance and courage to keep going and appreciate that you are beautiful just the way you are even with scars. i am working on another poem and it is called “Soul of the Heavens” and it will be about you and how much you’ve helped me. currently i am busy studying for midterms and i have realized their is no reasoning with the inner bully. i remember you said this in a recent post, but i learned it the hard way. i kept trying to appease the inner bully, but all it saw were faults. when it told me i had to study harder or work out more, i listened and worked on becoming better. but the inner bully will always find something new to attack so i have realized that there is no reasoning with it and i don’t care what it says anymore. the things that it tells me are not true and the inner bully does not hold the remote of my life. it does not control the steering wheel and as long as my heart is beating, this earth angel will not crash, for this earth angel will continue to burn that inner bully down and build the bridges to her dreams and pick her wings up to fly high all the way home.