Dear Anita,

Thanks a lot for your advice. So I’ve noticed my friends notice when I’m stressed and they help cheer me up. If I need some advice, they are there. Although at times, they tend to do things that I don’t like such as argue with the teacher or pick fights with people; I don’t get involved with them. But if they are upset, I let them know I’m there for them by asking if they are okay. Lately, there are five more days till the AP Biology exam and tensions between classmates are high. We are still friends, but there is a lot of competition lately in the classroom. I have noticed that Andrew and I both may be right on a question, but we both will argue our point and question the other. This in a way is a good thing because it allows us to see the other’s viewpoint and also make amends to our own point of view, possibly making it stronger and more valid. However, there are times when we are quite competitive and he seems distant. At those times, I wonder if he is competing against me and it makes me stressed. I admire Andrew’s independence and I understand it because I also have a strong sense of independence as well. But sometimes I feel like it is hard to connect with him when he becomes distant and it makes me worried about him.  Sometimes I think I am overbearing on him and it makes me self-doubt. So the questions I have are:

How do I assert my opinions across without being too overbearing?

How do we both compromise on an answer when we’re both right, but on different paths and neither one seems to want to back down?

Dear Anita

This week has opened my eyes to a lot of things and has made me believe in myself more than I thought I could. I have two friends whom are new to the school, but they have great confidence and are teaching me to be assertive. I have found myself opening up more around people because of them. Also they shattered a piece of my superego when they told me that it was okay that I’m working on finding myself and I’m a strong person. The superego had been telling me how I had to be perfect and understand myself for the world to like me, but when they told me that they liked me for me, I felt happy and it shattered a piece of the superego and I feel lighter now. I feel like an eagle who is in flight getting closer to the sun. Furthermore, on Wednesday my special friend was role-playing the superego and the worldly critics and teaching me to defend myself. Andrew has been helping me do well in my classes and Steve, my lunch buddy has been as well. I have friends and teachers who look out for me. Lately, Andrew and I have become closer since we share a lot of the same personality. Also I’m starting to understand and be more observative of people lately and I realize that everyone has flaws. There is a quote “If you’re broken, don’t take the broken pieces and use them to cut someone else. Bring them to the light.” It reminds me of people who hurt others for their own gain, but inside they are hurting themselves. I know I will miss Andrew when he leaves for the military in July. I’ve always wondered if a friendship could still continue while he is still in the military. Also I’ve noticed lately that Andrew seems a bit distant from other people lately and I think it is because he is leaving for the military.

I’ve always thought he was open and confident, but he also seems to have a shy side that reminds me of me at times when I become withdrawn from people.

I’ve been thinking to ask him out as in a relationship, but I’m afraid that the military might drive a rift between us. Also I have some doubts that I’m not good enough for Andrew, but they aren’t getting in the way. When they surface, I think of all the qualities I have and I find that I am good enough.  I admire Andrew and the way he can make anyone laugh and smile. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Anita

Thanks for the response:D As we get closer and closer to the AP tests, Andrew and I have become more competitive with each other, but I have lots of support from friends. I have been trying to search for the answers in life and have lost sight of the journey and I want to get back on track. There is that part of me that sees something more in life and wants to attain it. I appreciate the idea that I don’t have flaws because I am kind to people. There are people who aren’t the nicest people and I tend to isolate myself or sometimes just treat them with respect as well, in this way I also have some acquaintances who aren’t the best of character, but at least I have them under my wing. There is a saying “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” I have a feeling I am that type of person who doesn’t want any enemies so that is why I try to get along with everyone. Some people think this makes me gullible and shows weakness of character. They think that I’m keeping those people close because I’m afraid to be hurt by them. And in a way, I am afraid of being hurt by them, but by keeping them close; I feel like I have control on who they see me as. The question in life that I have pondered and am still pondering is “Who am I really?”  I have often felt like this world seems ephemeral and I’m an entity walking around it looking out of myself at the world. The questions I have are:

Am I a gullible person for trying to be kind to everyone?

When I see the world through different perceptions, does that make me strange and different from others?

I feel as if I view the world from my soul rather than my physical being and my perception is different, yet being at my soul I feel like I am really here in the world. When looking through the doors of my soul, there is a detachment that I have and I make my best decisions then. There are times when I feel alone even with friends around and I also feel like there’s something more to life.

People have often asked me what I want in life and I find it hard to express what I truly want. So when they ask me, I tend to avoid their questions. How do I tell them that I’m also a philosopher, not just the scientist and that I’m trying to find myself?

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your advice. There are so many things I’ve realized about myself and how I view perfection because it’s ideals don’t exist. In ap biology, i learned how natural selection cannot fashion perfect organism because then there would be no competition is the environment. Also if everyone was perfect and didn’t experience any flaws, if an environmental stress caused something to happen

I’m debating about writing a college essay about track (how it makes me feel great running out in nature), spirit of myself and science or the ideal of perfection. I have so many ideas and they all share the scientific and spiritual aspect. I could also tie tinybuddha into the mix as well. I have long thought I wasn’t good enough for Andrew because he had so many accomplishments that I didn’t seem to have. But when I”m writing and also going through the stories of my life, I realize I am enough. Andrew has material accomplishments, but it’s not what is on the outside that counts, it’s the person on the inside. I may not have been as many places as Andrew has, but through my writing shines a spirit, a personality that is good enough for both of us. Every one has perfection in their own ways with their talents. I remember when my english iv honors teacher gave us a quote by albert Einstein “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s entire life thinking it is stupid.” I had to put my thoughts into this quote and at first I wasn’t sure how, but now I think I know. It’s about how everyone has abilities to do different things and we can’t be limited to stereotypes about people.

There is one thing I feel strongly about and it is that society doesn’t treat the causes, they just treat the symptoms. We are educated about drugs and reckless driving constantly, but they are symptoms of something else. Most people take drugs or drive recklessly to feel good in life because there is an underlying cause of sadness in their life.
We don’t talk with people about the prevention of things that lead to risky behaviors as much as we talk about the risky behaviors themselves.

Also society is so concerned with stereotypes of things. I often carry index cards with me to rehearse my vocab cards for ap biology and I apply various modes of studying including rehearsal out loud. People will stare at me, but it’s just one of the ways I study. Sometimes I’ll even draw figures in the air or be in my own world trying to figure out a problem. My English IV Honors teacher says “You have to let your subconscious mind work for you at times.” Sometimes I’ll let myself daydream and act until I stumble on clues to figure out a problem.

It’s like there are two sides of me fighting for control. One side of me doesn’t care about what others think and the other side is very defensive and tries to be perfect in every way. Lately, it’s like those two sides have tried to merge together and I have become this person who wants to isolate myself from everyone except my ap biology classmates. The two sides together has lead to a defensive, competitive nature in me to strive for the best in everything. When I make friendships with people, I don’t want any of them to be shallow ones. So I tend to be aloof when meeting new people. When people ask about things that I feel they will judge me on, I automatically shut down the conversation. Some topics that make me jump out of the conversation are when people ask me about my life’s path and my religion. While, it is true that I am a Buddhist and will go into a science career. There are no labels that I accept to pertain to me except for scientific and spiritual. When people try to impose labels on me or ideals of the way I should pursue my life’s career, I feel restrained by their ideals and it makes me irritated. It makes me think that this life isn’t my own, when I’m trying to make this life my own and forge my heart’s path. I want to find the totality of who I am and there is a part of me that is afraid of letting anyone in as they might try to shape my values to something I don’t agree with. While, I’m thinking about trying to be perfect in everyone’s eyes; there is another part of me that seeks to find my imperfection, that seeks to find myself and appreciate who I am. When I’m seeking perfection in others eyes, I rag myself for all my flaws; but when I’m seeking within myself and caring about the imperfect person I am, then I feel whole again.

The question is how do I assert myself without being cynical when other people push their values on me? How do I rebel against the stereotypes that I feel I’ve put against myself? It’s like what Einstein said about judging myself/people based on a flaw they have when they just don’t have a talent in that field. Also how do I tell Andrew that I like him even though I’m afraid?

Hi Anita

So I did really well without an inner bully this week until today. The inner bully tried to take a chance during the fire drill today, it said “you are so slow in thinking, you will never have time to finish the test.” I was taking a test in ap calc before the fire drill and after the fire drill, the teacher said we could have extra time. My inner bully also didn’t have the chance to take root during the fire drill because Steve and I were having fun talking school and also my special friend and I happened to meet up and he made me laugh. During gym (2nd block), my inner bully made a pass at me again, but my special friend spotted it and said “That inner bully again? No I don’t like that inner bully. Let’s show that inner bully your worth.” So we had a race and we were both laughing. I have self-defense for my gym class and since I’m not a violent person, it is hard for me to learn the moves. My inner bully has started to rag on me saying I’ll never be strong enough to defend myself and it can be quite draining at times. Lately, I’ve been refuting the inner bully’s claims with real evidence and it has helped. Here is a question: How do I let my gym classmates know that I’m still learning self-defense without looking like a fool? It seems like my other classmates get the techniques after doing them for a day, but for me it takes time. I realize I’m much better at academic subjects. How do I let them know that I have talents, just not this yet? Sometimes I feel like my classmates think I’m a slow learner, but I’ve never really engaged myself in a fight, so it’s all new to me. Also during ap biology, Andrew and I were helping each other with our biology notes and he seemed more at ease than I was because I had an inner bully saying “If you mess up, he will think you less than him.” Because of my inner bully I was constantly afraid of making a mistake. I still asked questions about things I didn’t understand, but it was a bit hard. Yet Andrew didn’t seem to notice and after a while my inner bully faded away.

Hi Anita,

So I have made myself more comfortable at school and I have been able to catch the inner bully at times and disengage from its chatter and look at myself and see what is true. I’m starting a thought journal to keep track of my thoughts. It has gotten easier and I realize that I have more clarity in my mind. I am still a bit withdrawn from people, but it’s because I’m going to find the person I am on the inside. I want to figure out who I am beneath the labels of what other people placed on me.

The question is How do I let people know that I’m in the process of finding myself?

People keep talking about different problems, but the only one I have now is to find myself. How do I disentangle myself from others and be in my own personal space?

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your advice. So I told Andrew how I act when I’m nervous and we had a fun and interesting conversation of how to read people’s emotions. Also I have become more assertive and optimistic. Being around Andrew is great because he is like a happy Buddha and he always seeing the best in life. I remember when I said something to him that made his face light up and I would love to see that smile again because it also makes me smile like the sun.

Here are some other questions:

How do I politely decline from partaking or getting involved in any negative conflicts?
I have been practicing shielding and cleansing meditation that gets rid and protects against negativity. I found that I am more balanced lately. But there are some people who have sorrows when I’m trying to focus on my goals and they want me to listen. How do I tell them to be more mindful?

Currently AP Biology is a bit confusing for me with evolutionary trees and also radiometric/carbon dating, but I’m getting there with understanding them. I have to get over my nerves for AP Calc tests because I’m taking the midterm tomorrow and I think I know most of things, it’s nerves that usually get me. I will constantly check a problem or sometimes a problem seems complex and I will become nervous and think the whole test will be like that. I have a friend who is really shy around people and when the teacher asked him why he doesn’t ask questions in class, but does alone, I realize that’s a lot like me. I heard his response and it was this “I don’t ask questions because I’m afraid others will see me as dumb because they get it.” I also do that at times when I refrain from asking questions until there are little classmates left because I am afraid of being judged. I’m mostly quiet in my classes.

How do I get a shy guy to come out of his shell?

Hi Anita,

Thanks, Anita for your advice. So I heard the inner bully rattling and I noticed it and told it to stop. The inner bully has faded in some portions, but still sneaks back every now and then. Currently I just want to isolate myself from people to find myself. There are two sides of me warring with each other, one side that wants to follow the labels and another side that wants to break free and live as my soul. The side that wants to live with the labels is still afraid of people’s criticisms and also wants to stay in the lines. The other side that wants to be my soul is about living life being who I am. I want to merge both of them, but I’m not sure how. I like your advice for dealing with bullies, I followed it and the bully left me alone and I felt stronger. So here is the question, How do I find myself amongst people when it seems like my inner bully tries to sneak in? How do I isolate myself at times when I need to be alone without appearing aloof and cynical? My special friend has been a bit worried about me lately because I have become more withdrawn, but I’m trying to find myself.