Dear Anita

I realize how much more energetic I feel when I leave time for myself and don’t try too many tasks all at once. I feel more content and not rushed to do so many things all at once. At first I thought grades were more important than health, but after feeling irritated and strained trying to get good grades at the expense of my health I realize I don’t want to do that anymore. I am currently struggling with Chemistry II, but all my other classes I’m doing well. I hope to have a B in Chemistry II this semester, but I’m not going to stress myself too much. I have also started a self-help reiki course that focuses on emotional healing. It has helped me be more calm and aware of why I act the way I do. When my inner critic tells me something, I can question it and ask it what proof it has and why it is that. So it can go something like this:

Inner critic: You don’t know what you’re doing. You are a mistake in life.

Me: Why do you say that? Where is the proof?

Inner critic: you are a strain on your parents. you are a failure in Chemistry II.

Me: I have a B in Chemistry II and one class doesn’t make me a failure. And how do you know I’m a strain on my parents? You aren’t living my life. You’re just a voice that judges in my mind, you have no life.

And the inner critic is silenced and there is this void and I feel that many things are possible to fill this void. And I tell myself “Don’t believe anything the inner critic tells you. It is only a shadow in the mind and it isn’t the one living my life.”

I hope that my combatting of the inner critic goes well for the rest of the week. My new energy levels are quite contagious to others who also help motivate me. So I’m glad, I’m going to try to make it a good week. It is a good goal because I’ve rarely had a full week that is good. Hope you are well Anita, thank you for being here for me and encouraging me to be a better person.

Hope you have a good Thanksgiving, take care of yourself Anita!

The questions I have are:

How do I know who my real friends are?

Sometimes I feel like the new friends I’ve made don’t really take my priorities into consideration, it always feels like things are about them. They feel lonely, they need help and they ask me for advice but when I need someone to pick me up, they don’t really know what to do or don’t really help me. They also make fun of my gender identity. I don’t think they are really friends. I have been removing people from my friend list who aren’t very supportive lately and I’ve gotten backlash. Some of the people have called me selfish and said that I am a terrible person because I betrayed their trust, but they didn’t really know me that well in the first place. Also I feel like I should have a choice to remove the friends that don’t serve me in life. I feel a bit conflicted.

How do I know I’m doing enough for myself and the people I care about? Sometimes I feel like I take on more than I can handle. I may be struggling with myself, but if a friend is upset I put their problems first. Sometimes I feel like I’m not being my best self because I try to take on many responsibilities and feel strained at times. I feel bad when I can’t be there for me friends at times to give in-depth advice, but I’ll always let them know I heard their story, know how they feel and appreciate them. Sometimes I feel like that isn’t enough for my friends who want more comfort, but I can’t give it because I have my priorities as well. How do I tell my friends that I care about them and know how they feel, that I can’t give them in-depth advice now, but I’ll help in small ways that I can? It doesn’t seem enough for my friends at times when they are struggling and I have priorities that I give them some support. I feel bad that I can only give them 55% of support sometimes, but I don’t want to be a crutch for them to lean on. For some friends I have, I feel like I’m a crutch for them to lean on. They ask me about relationship advice any time things go wrong and I do help them, but they keep leaning on me and coming back each time there’s a problem. Sometimes the problem is quite miniscule and they want me to help them solve it because they feel sad and don’t think they can solve it. I try to help them stand, but I don’t want to be a crutch for them. I also want my friends to know that when I have hours of rest, I should rest because I also have friends who want me to be around them every hour that I’m free. I need time for myself and sleep. How do I tell friends that I need time for myself when it seems like they won’t listen and will keep trying to take up my time? I have a friend that I ignored the messages because he didn’t give me much time for myself. He kept trying to get me to hang out every time I was free and filled up my phone with messages, so now I have his notifications on silent and filtered for important messages because I can’t always listen to him all the time. He is mad at me because he thinks the time I’m dedicating to him is not enough and also that I have more time on my hands than I’m letting on. I have told him my schedule and I don’t think he really regards it much. It seems like he tries to do what’s convenient for him most of the time and it’s irritating.

Also after I got back to college on Monday I had a Chemistry II exam and two Anatomy/Physiology quizzes. I didn’t do that great on them because I was still tired from the NYC trip. I took another midterm for physical geography today and I did well on it. My new friends try to take up a lot of my time. They are always telling me that I need to spend more time with them because I study too much, but school is an important priority for me. I feel a bit disappointed that I didn’t do so well on the tests for Monday, but it’s okay. I am going to spend Thanksgiving break November 21st-23 studying for my Anatomy/Physiology exam on November 26 and finishing up some assignments. I haven’t met the guy who sexually assaulted me these few days and I am glad about that. The only thing that has been stressful is that people still poke fun at my gender identity. I had to reblock a guy who used to pester me first semester of college about my gender identity. He said things like I don’t have enough muscles to be masculine and that my dysphoria was just a way of me trying to be freakish for attention. His remarks were hurtful so I blocked him and didn’t hear from him until now because he changed his number and tried to contact me again so I I reblocked him.

Dear Anita

At first I was stressed about Chemistry II- both the lecture and lab. My lab professor has added some of the lab report grades that I have completed and it has brought my Chemistry II lab grade up to a 91 so I’m glad. I only have 3 more lab experiments before winter break which is December 21st-January 22. The Spring 2019 semester starts January 23rd. I am applying for graduation for the Spring 2019 semester because I have enough credits at my college. After I graduate, I will need another Physics course to complete my requirements to transfer to Rutgers School of Engineering. I will be taking Physics 2 in the summer so I will have some days on campus where I can get support and after finishing that course hopefully I’ll have enough credits for an engineering program at Rutgers. I am quite excited and hoping for the best. I spoke with my college advisor today and she said I should check with Rutgers to see if I can take the Physics course at the university and just transfer my transcripts there so I can start up in the Fall 2019. I called Rutgers and haven’t had a response from them about whether Physics is required to transfer for engineering majors, so I’ll call back later, the admissions may have been busy. It’s going to be a busy next few weeks, but this semester has been quite busy. But it’s also rewarding because I am glad of the hard work that I’m putting in and have hope that I can bring my Chemistry II grade to a B for this semester. My lab partner and I have started to have open communication over the past weeks. It started when he complimented me on my data collection and chemistry calculation skills and I complimented him on his ability to perform the experiments well. It was good to know from each other that both of us had something we valued in the other. This lead to me helping him understand the chemistry data and him helping me with understanding experimental lab equipment and it made us both feel like we were involved in a collaborative effort. Since I was good with the data, I would check over the calculations and the experimental measurements and procedure and he would work on the experiment.  The combination of one person doing the experiment and the other checking it made us both learn and it saved time because if a mistake was caught early it could be fixed so we wouldn’t have to do the trial over. There are still small errors in our experiments, but we’ve both accepted that people make mistakes and if the work is good at least 80% of the time, it’s okay. So I haven’t seen the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school around. I have been in other places on campus during the time of 11am-12pm which is when I see him the most. During those times, I will study in another building rather than building 8 (student center) or building 3 (library) so I don’t run into him. I think he has classes from 12:30pm-3:15pm which is the same time I have classes, so if I don’t have class on a certain day and it’s in this time range I don’t see him. The reason I believe this is that I always run into him at the library or student center from 11am-12pm and he hangs out there when he doesn’t have class. I use the library to study, so if I am in the library at 11am I will go into a private study room upstairs where I can be alone. Last Friday (I don’t have classes Fridays and use the day to get work done), I was in a study room upstairs at 11am and I didn’t run into him.  This Friday, there are a lot of people working on catching up for their classes before the semester ends. There are some people who are picking Spring 2019 classes, which the registration just opened this Tuesday. I have picked my Spring 2019 classes and am excited about them. The good thing is that with a lot of people around in the library, I don’t see him because he usually comes around when there aren’t that much people around. So at 11am today, I was finishing some chemistry II work and didn’t run into him. Also I am glad that i got an 86 on the Chemistry quiz, it’s the first quiz grade that has been good so I am improving. I hope I do well on the chemistry II exam this Monday. I have been reviewing sections of the Chemistry II book and have developed better understanding of the chapters for the exam, but there’s still more practice to be done, but I think I will do relatively well on the exam. Anatomy and Physiology is a lot of fun this semester. I don’t remember all the facial bones, but I have a good grasp of the 206 bones and over 600 muscles in the body and I understand how each structure fits with the other. It is amazing to learn about the human body because it helps me better understand my biological nature and I find myself fascinated at how the body has various ways of maintaining homeostasis. It makes me feel a sense of gratitude at how hard my body works to keep me alive and I realize that I am a unique being. This interest in Anatomy and Physiology allows me to do well in the class as well lessens my inner critic because I can argue with the inner critic when it says I’m not good at anything because that is untrue. I still have dysphoria that will always be there until I transition, but I feel like I can take little steps each day to get me towards my goal. I can do well in school, get a good career as a genetic engineer and then transition. I hope to have my dreams accomplished by age 40. Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t give my time to my friends as much and I feel slightly guilty. I want to be there for my friends, but I also have lots of things like college graduation and transfer, education that will help me get a good career, seeking resources to transition and spirituality.  I make a habit to meditate every morning and night when I wake and before going to sleep and that helps me feel more relaxed and alert throughout the day. I have lots of things to think about since it’s only two semester before I graduate but when my friends say I’m not spending as much time with them I feel bad. I do make time for my friends when they need help with school work, cheering up and also to hang out. But I can’t always devote 3 hours every day to a friend because I need time for my studies. I feel selfish that I’m not spending as much time with friends and sometimes my friends tell me I say that I’m busy and can only hang out for a certain amount of hours that I’m not being a good friend. Sometimes in my mind, I feel like some of my friends seem to be needy of friendship. For example, I tell my friend that I spend the first 3 hours doing school work and then I’ll hang out for 2 hours and I’ll have to go home early because I have to study for an exam and they will think that i don’t put enough time in my schedule for them. some friends say i just squeeze them into my schedule when it feels convenient, but that’s not the case. there are times when a friend will struggle in life and need someone to be there and regardless of my schedule i will find time for them. I can’t always hang out with friends during the times they are available, but i will make time for them. Sometimes I feel like my friends try to rush me to help them with something. I will tell them that I have a specific time in my schedule that I can spend on that task and I will make sure it gets done, but they feel like the specific time in my schedule is not enough or too far away for them so they try to take me away from my priorities so I can help them with theirs or hang out with them. And this makes me feel strained because I have less time for my priorities because I’m helping them out with theirs. So the questions are: How do I stop my friends from taking my time away from my priorities without feeling guilty? How do I figure out how to manage a schedule that works for both me and my friends? How do I know which priorities are important to get myself involved in? How do I assure my friends that I do appreciate their priorities and I have a set time that I will get to them and reassure them that I will help them?

one of my friends wants me to help her set up a site that teaches people wicca and i enjoy it, but I’ve only been able to give her advice on and off for some days in november because of school work. mondays and wednesdays are quite busy for me with three classes and i get home late. the rest of the days of the week,  i’m working on school work and i try to make time for the site, but i haven’t been contributing much lately because i’ve been busy and i feel guilty. i feel like i have some responsibility in the site because i encouraged her to make it and said i would help. she has done more for the site than i have. she created most the site while i have just been giving her advice on the content to post on the site (which she takes my advice and puts the content on the site). sometimes i feel like i’m not collaborating enough with my friends.  Other questions: How do i know I’m not taking on more than I can handle? If I just made a friend and decide to wait until I get to know them better before telling them my gender identity and they find out from one of their friends and question me about it and say I’m being a disloyal friend, what do I do? I made a new friend who didn’t know I identified as a transgender male and I wasn’t comfortable telling him because I had only met him, but he found out from one of his friends so now he is saying that I am a selfish friend for not telling him something this important. And I have said to him that I wanted to get to know him better before telling him it because things like this are a big deal. And he has said that I don’t act like it’s a big deal because I seem to be nonchalant most of the time. And I say that sometimes appearances of calm aren’t always true and it seems like there’s a argument going on between both of us and he says I didn’t trust him enough to tell him this. He even said “Do you think I’m that prejudiced of a person that i would judge you for your gender identity? You’re fine being who you are.” And now I don’t know what to say.

Thank you so much Anita! It’s great having a friend like you to talk to. I don’t post frequently because I’m busy with school work, but i always think of how grateful i am to have people who care about me. when my inner critic is being irritating, there is a light in my life and i feel some warmth knowing that i have people i can talk to. thank you for being here for me, Anita. You are an amazing person and I am glad you are in my life. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

And talking with you is great, it helps me understand why I feel so guarded at times. I think it’s because of the things I’ve been through and not being validated by people that have caused me to internalize things
They always say that I shouldn’t waste gas, that I have to help out at the restaurant, that school work is more important. Weirdly enough, they let my brother hang out with people when he was in college. He went to a four year university from the start and he was rarely home and they didn’t care about him. They always say that he is more responsible than me and he works harder and knows more.

And after that guy threatened me with a knife and made me feel invalidated in high school that was when the things that happened in middle school seemed to come back to me and they were overwhelming. I had had enough. So I took a dive into the deep end of the pool and I hit my head and I was sinking into unconsciousness. My mind felt calm and I was thinking “This is it, I can end it all. And I’ll be okay.”
When I was in a lucid-state, I felt a hand pull me out of the water and drag me to the shallow end. It was the guy who played hockey. He looked at me and started crying “I don’t want you to die. You’re special to me and I love you.” Those words hit my heart that felt frozen in numbness and I began to cry and said “I can’t do this anymore! I hate myself and I hate my life.” And I was sobbing and he held me saying “I know how you feel and I love you. You mean so much to me and I don’t want to lose you.” He held me there at the shallow end of the pool until my tears subsided and then he helped me out of the pool. I’m grateful he saved my life and helped me through that rough time. I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for him who always let me know that I had a place in this world and that someone saw me for me and that I wasn’t a freak with a mental illness like some people believed

Also my parents have never been great at helping me cope with things emotionally. They just think that I bring the bullying to me by being different or that I can just walk away from bullies and focus on the positive but the words and the things bullies do follow you long after they are gone and it takes time to heal.

There have been two suicide attempts in my life, one was after the guy threatened me in high school and the other was in eighth grade when I was in middle school. The counselors that I got sent to didn’t help, they were like “Well, if he coerced you into consenting, you technically consented and it’s not assault and if he physically didn’t beat you, leave scars or stick his penis in you, it’s not assault.” So that sucked because I was being invalidated as a victim. That was emotionally taxing and that was the eighth grade suicide attempt when I decided to take a knife and slit my wrists.

I used to sleep with a knife as protection because I was afraid of the dark, but after the knife incident in high school I don’t. So that was the knife I used. It was late at night and I didn’t think anyone would be awake and I decided to do it. I sent my friend who played hockey a message: “Thank you for making my life meaningful. It was great knowing you. Take care of yourself and I’ll see you in

the next life.” He must have been awake because I got a message saying “Are you okay?! I’m coming over!”
Within a few minutes, he was here and knocking on the door and I let him in. He saw me with the knife and was like “Are you serious? You can’t do this to yourself?” I said “that life was meaningless and that I didn’t care.” He then grabbed my arm, shook it so the knife I was holding dropped and he kicked it away from me and picked it up. I tried reaching for it but he wouldn’t let me. He said “No I won’t let you. Tell me what’s wrong.” I said “Everything’s fine, just stop and let me die!” And he said “No, you’re not going to kill yourself. I won’t let it happen. And I’m not going anywhere until I’m sure you’re okay.” I looked at him and burst into tears, he hugged me and said ” If you ever need someone to tell you how much your worth in this world, call me. You’re beautiful and there may be storms now, but if you give up you lose your chances of discovering the rainbow after the storm. You may not feel valued now, but I’ll help you stand until you have the strength to see how beautiful you are and the difference you can make in this world. I love you and believe that you will help the world be better. Don’t give up because you won’t have chances to find yourself and change if you end your life. It’s okay if you don’t know where you belong or who you are, I’ll love you for the person you are. I believe that you will do good things in the world, don’t let the negative thoughts get you. I’ll be here for you.” It was great having a person who helped me through that dark time and because of him I feel grateful to be alive and when I get depressed I have hope in myself and don’t want to end things because I want to have a chance to change for the better. He taught me how to appreciate my life. I still get depressed and have moments when I feel lost, but no matter what happens I know that I have a place in the world and that people care. I am glad to have people like you in my life who encourage me to strive for my goals, to not give up and also to make me feel that I am valid being who I am. You make my life meaningful and it’s great talking to you and also having time to organize my thoughts so I can better understand myself, release my flaws into the light and also have the courage to change for the better daily. Thank you for being here and listening. Thank you for giving me a reason to live and change each day.

He the guy who sexually assaulted me in seventh grade and now Im recounting the memory I buried for so long. So the day when my friend had the hockey game and I was alone again I tried to walk quickly to the bus and avoid him and he tried to grab my arm, but one of the hockey guy’s friends blocked his way and walked with me. I think one of his friends told my friend who played hockey that there was a guy harassing me and he said that he was sorry that he wasn’t aware of that. The guy who played hockey liked me and he said he felt jealous that another guy was trying to get with me. He said if he had known what was happening, he would have protected me better. It was him who saved my life again in high school. Because that guy who slammed me in the boy’s bathroom threatened me with a knife and he helped me. He helped me cope with the sexual abuse in middle school and saved my life from another guy in high school.

I am grateful for your encouragement Anita and talking about things on tinybuddha helps me work out my problems and bring them into the light. One of my Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends wants to be a therapist and she is really good at it. Talking with her has helped me work through some of the feelings I’ve buried for so long. I managed to talk about the guy who sexually assaulted me in seventh grade and other things that I couldn’t talk about for so long and it feels like I’ve had some burdens relieved from talking to her. Also the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club members are amazing at helping me feel less alone and feel safe. I am grateful to have people who accept me and I keep touch with them when I’m at home and they make things feel better. Sometimes I’ll have a day when I feel like I’m screaming on the inside, feeling shaky and crying and not sure who I am and I’ll have one of the club members encourage me. Also the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school wants to reconnect with me, but I don’t want to. He’s approached me four times and asked me about hanging out. I’ve told him that I have a busy schedule and I don’t want to dredge up past memories. He always says things like “There must be a time you’re free! Remember those things we did, I’m sure you liked it.” And I did not like what he did and I have been quite busy and I don’t like that he seems to demand to intrude back into my life. It feels like an intrusion because he thinks that I’m still the same person I once was and feels like it’s okay to reconnect and bring back the past, but I am not the same person and I don’t think having him in my life is really important. I have moved on and I don’t really care about him. Also here is the story of what this guy did to me that after many years I can finally find the words to say it. The guy who helped me and plays hockey is my special friend. I think a question is “What do I do when he approaches me and tries to get me to hang out with him? How do I be assertive and tell him I’m not interested in him? How do I react when he asks me inappropriate questions like ‘Can I see your body? Did you like what we did?'” Okay, so here is the story of my life and how much my special friend has helped me especially throughout middle school into high school:

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Janus.

Maybe I think too much so it can be hard for me to talk in person, but through writing I can think about my thoughts and organize them without having someone around who will judge if I say something that doesn’t fit the conversation. That may why it is hard for me to express my feelings in person, but writing is easier. It may also be that the times I’ve expressed myself to people, I have been invalidated like I don’t know enough and am just feeling this way because of my thoughts or I’m being childish as my parents would say. Since I feel invalidated by my parents many times, it may be why I have trouble communicating face to face with people and writing helps me sort my thoughts. I feel like an adult-child not really sure how to survive in the world because I’m not sure the person I am exists. Am I just being immature or has the hurt I’ve been faced  caused me to isolate myself from the world and cause me to learn things at what seems to be a slower rate? How do I know what I’m living for will be a meaningful life? How do I know the things that I do aren’t just the shells of stereotypes? I feel like my life has been built on epheremal threads that seem to be fading away. It’s like the depression gets really overwhelming many times that I just lose my sense of things in life and I am shaken as I question who I am. The person who feels masculine but doesn’t know how to be it. The person who doesn’t know how to be an adult in this world that says 19 years old is adulthood. I’m not sure I know who I am. I only know I don’t want to be what the world wants me to be and then I feel like I don’t know who that is. I only have some concepts but not sure about the roads to travel on. I know I love science, identify as a man (physically presenting masculinity feels natural to me and something that makes me feel like I have a sense of self) and that I am a Buddhist wiccan. Other than that, I feel lost as to who I am as a person. I don’t want to live in the shell of stereotypes society casts for me, but I don’t know myself outside the box either. I try to get rid of the box and sometimes the constraints get tighter as people like my parents try to put their expectations on me and at other times I just don’t know who I’d be without the box or whether I actually am alive. Is there really a person who is me on this earth? Has the life I’ve been living truly life? Why are the shells of society so hard to think about? And how do I know what fears I’ve had and that have come about, how do I stop burying them? How do I try to work my way through them without feeling overwhelmed? And when the fear and layers seem to disintegrate and I am left without their burden, why do I feel so raw and shaken? Why is something that seems like it should be relief something that can be hard and cause you to feel a void? I just feel conflicted within myself.