The second half of the message got inserted into a bunch of coding text, so here it is again for clarity:

It was raining quite heavily yesterday and then it stopped and the sun was very bright. It came up and the light illuminated my windshield while I was driving and I got a eye full of bright sunlight and it was hard to see while driving. And it was right when I was about to make a turn so I strayed a bit from my lane but not too much, but I still managed to make it safely to campus for classes that start at 5pm-7:30pm (Anatomy/Physiology II) . I’m kind of annoyed that the sun decided to choose that moment to rise and blur my view and now I’m not driving it’s setting down and not as bright anymore. The good thing is that I have been driving for around an year and a half so my driving has gotten pretty good. When I first started, I had trouble figuring out how much to steer the wheel when I was backing and turning but with practice I’ve gotten better.

I think sunglasses can help with the sun’s glare. The shield visor doesn’t cover much of the sun’s ray’s so it still shines in your eyes. Some people are bad drivers and they shine their headlights quite brightly at night. I think I’ve heard that you’re supposed to look slightly to the right if you see a car with bright headlights approaching you because the shoulder of the road is usually towards the right and it’s safer than looking to the left where there’s oncoming traffic. I think there’s a rule that the left lane is for passing and the right lanes are used to make u-turns.

The thing that annoys me is when it’s raining and the roads are flooded and someone passes in front of you from another lane and splashes your windshield with rainwater and you can’t see for a while and you have to step on the brakes because they just came into your lane and are only a few blocks away and you’re afraid of hitting them so you swerve to the side and sort of stray off the road and you have to reorient yourself back onto the road.

Intersections are a bit scary when you first learn to drive because you have to look multiple ways for oncoming traffic . The intersections that are regulated by many traffic lights aren’t too bad because the traffic lights regulate the onflow of traffic and you know when to go. I think those are called controlled intersections because there are a lot of traffic lights controlling each area. But at some intersections, you only have a few traffic lights on each side and you have to watch for the cars when you go because the traffic signals don’t always indicate all the turn signals and I think that’s called an uncontrolled intersection. Hope that made sense.

My college campus roads have controlled intersections where the traffic lights regulate when each lane can go such as there is a left signal for the left turns as well as a regular green light for going straight. At intersections, the turns are usually the scary ones because you have to watch for traffic that’s coming straight or turning into your lane. I think that most state highway like NJ-70 where there’s an intersection, it’s uncontrolled and those that have to make turns have to look for the green signal and then drive to the middle of the intersection and wait to see if there’s any traffic before turning into a lane. This can be difficult if there’s a lot of oncoming traffic, then it’s advisable that even though there’s a green signal you don’t go too far into the center of the intersection because the traffic is too dense and you won’t be able to go into a lane and you’ll annoy other people by being stuck in the middle of the intersection. This is why I like controlled intersections better because the traffic lights have more signals and you know when it’s safe to be and you don’t have to rely on instinct which doesn’t always work sometimes and can leave you stranded in the middle of an uncontrolled intersection which has happened to me before. Luckily, a truck driver let me turn and I didn’t have to wait too long and make other people annoyed by being stuck in the middle.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and I appreciate having your positivity in my life. Hope you have a good Friday and relax some tension this weekend. Remember that you are a special friend and I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for spreading your inspiration to help me through the darkness.

Thank you for always bringing your encouragement to brighten my days. You are an amazing friend and I appreciate having you in my life. Thank you for your creative spirit and compassion that inspires me to be a better person.

Thank you for being such an inspirational soul in my life and for being the star that shines bright in the darkness. You are a north star, guiding me when I’ve lost my way, helping me feel it’s okay.

Some people drive quite quickly and don’t take time to look out for others because they are rushing to get to work. The sunrise was beautiful this morning. The sky was a rose pink and had streaks of lavender purple and when the sun rose it was like a orb of golden light that lit up the sky with its rays and the golden sphere radiated outward in the east horizon casting its glow to start a new day. Even though life may be stressful at times, the little moments like these make me appreciate living my life and treasure each moment. I think that there was a reason why the sun decided to shine in my eyes yesterday. I think that everything happens for a reason and sometimes nature and the universe show their beauty to make people look at themselves and analyze how they are living their lives. The sun shines bright no matter the critics and what happens it rises to greet the world at the start of a new day and the sun reminds us that even in the darkest times that you can shine your light and live to rise again. Even though people may complain about the sun shining in their eyes, the sun continues to shine. And this means that you shouldn’t dim your inner light because people criticize you for being who you are. And like the sun, sometimes you may shine your light in others eyes and irritate them and that’s okay as long as you don’t do it too often because if you shine too brightly it may make people annoyed at you because you are being overly confident. But the important thing is to shine your light and be yourself even though the critics will talk and the people who care about you will notice the light and encourage you to shine brighter. You don’t always have to shine very brightly that you blind people (like the sun’s glare), but just be yourself and enjoy the little things in life and appreciate the person you are because you are a beautiful soul.

Dear Anita

I hope that this week brings you blessings and abundance. Thank you for being here for me and for sharing your advice to help me feel stronger in times when I’m struggling. I am working on releasing stress in my life because I have a pretty heavy course load this semester with Anatomy/Physiology II, Calculus-based physics, Chemistry II (retake for better grade) and two History classes (one is US III History to 1877 and the other is Art Prehistory to Middle Ages I). I am making a schedule and working on organizing my notes for my classes. The homework I have is seven physics problems and I just have to review some things for Anatomy/Physiology and a paragraph about why art History is important. I have my first Chemistry II lecture Monday and the lab class is Tuesday. For science classes, lecture and lab are separate classes (one is just learning material and the other is hands-on experiments), but they add to an overall grade for the science course when you complete them at the end of the semester. I am thinking of getting back in touch with my college counselor who helps me understand things and talk about how things are going for me. I hope to do well this semester because the classes I’m taking will need to be transferred to a four year university. I can’t take any summer courses because if I’m admitted into Rutgers University, I have to submit my official transcripts a month after they admit me (application admission news comes April 15th) and most of the summer classes go from June 26 to August 1st which may deter my enrollment because I still have classes at Ocean County College when I should be graduating Spring semester and enrolling in the Fall 2019. Anyway, I will come back to visit Ocean County College because I will miss the friends and community here. I enjoy being on this campus and my Google Maps calls this place “Home.” Even though, it’s not my home, it makes me feel a sense of belonging. Also, the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club is having a meeting today at 1pm-2pm and I am excited to spend time with friends. Many of the classmates in my classes are quite helpful in helping ,e understand the material. I have already had physics, anatomy/physiology II lecture & lab and my two history classes and i like the professors. My Art History professor is very detailed in her explanations and helps students understand the material and know what’s important. The assignments that she gives helps students better understand the artwork they are looking at and better understand the symbolism of different art forms in our society’s culture. She makes her classes interesting, informative and the assignments are not too difficult and they allow you to gain perspective on why art is important and the many themes such as spirituality that art may express. My Art History professor says ancient societies used art to communicate expressions such as religious beliefs and how the environment affected early human survival. Many themes of cave paintings were religious pictures or pictures of how the environment helped humans get food and shelter to survive, art is a way for people to communicate before the words came about around 3,100 BCE. The history is very interesting and I am learning a lot of insightful information. My US History III professor didn’t cover any material but a general outline of what the course will entail and he has a good sense of humor that makes people who feel anxious about an assignment feel more relaxed. My US History III professor encourages students to express their creativity by debating different perspectives of historical events because it helps people see different points of view and gain insight on why they may have a specific belief, it may even lead people to question their beliefs as they gain new insight and perspective and explore new knowledge. This is why I admire my US History III professor because he encourages students to be creative in analyzing historical sources and to question the things presented to them, to explore beliefs that may challenge preconceived notions and gain more insight on how society is the way it is today and that is what he says is the true meaning of learning history, not learning boring facts and having to memorize things. He wants you to understand why societies are the way they are today and to help students develop a curiosity to question each thing they learn and that is what I like about college because the professors that have different teaching methods and teach students to think outside the box make me feel like I’m learning to be an independent thinker and building experience by questioning my knowledge and exploring new sides to problems and finding different approaches. I wish in high school, they gave students more of this thinking outside the box things and analyzing things for points of view rather than just teaching students the basic ways to solve problems like math is to practice problems until you are good at them without giving the problems much context. In college, you get to see how the problems fit into real life and explore them in context rather than just practicing problems to get better at them and just using different formulas that don’t really mean anything, college professors teach students that there are connections to everything you learn and that the concepts are just as important as practicing problems. Because if you can conceptualize a problem and understand how it works in the real world, you have a sense of how to apply your knowledge and when it comes to the math it’s not just meaningless numbers and problems, you actually have a sense that you are learning something and building your mind. And college professors are good at explaining things in-depth if you don’t understand something, they can explain how a particular equation is derived unlike high school teachers who sometimes don’t know how to explain why the quadratic formula will be important, college professors can explain how you can use it to solve chemistry problems involving medication doses giving you a practical sense of knowledge. This is why i am enjoying college quite a lot more than high school. The classes may be more challenging, but I’m expanding my knowledge and becoming an independent thinker and I am glad for it.

It was raining quite heavily yesterday and then it stopped and the sun was very bright. It came up and the light illuminated my windshield while I was driving and I got a eye full of bright sunlight and it was hard to see while driving. And it was right when I was about to make a turn so I strayed a bit from my lane but not too much, but I still managed to make it safely to campus for classes that start at 5pm-7:30pm (Anatomy/Physiology II) . I’m kind of annoyed that the sun decided to choose that moment to rise and blur my view and now I’m not driving it’s setting down and not as bright anymore. The good thing is that I have been driving for around an year and a half so my driving has gotten pretty good. When I first started, I had trouble figuring out how much to steer the wheel when I was backing and turning but with practice I’ve gotten better.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Janus.

Dear Anita

Good to hear from you. Time is a dynamic quantity, it changes from past to present to future. While people are living the day, it is the present but when the day is over it becomes the past. When the day is over and becomes the past, people cannot physically go back to change what already happened (time travel is still physically impossible), they can only move forward in their life. So when a person living the current day is in the present time, they cannot go back to yesterday because that is the past. But our minds are energy and people can recall what happened yesterday so in our minds people can mentally travel to the past and observe it. Our physical bodies cannot travel from past to present to future, but it can only live each day as it comes. But our minds can bring recollections of images of what we learned from yesterday which was the past and use it to shape our reactions to the environment of our present day (today) and our present mindset can help us prepare for tomorrow (future). In this way, our minds can traverse through the dynamic dimension of time by bringing our memories of what we experienced even though our physical bodies cannot go back to the past or view the future.

The concept of time is relative because the memories in our minds allow us to remember what happened yesterday. People cannot physically time travel, but with our thoughts, we are consistently shifting from past to present to future. We prepare ourselves for each day and while living the day, it is our present and when it’s over it becomes our past. We cannot physically go back to the past, but we can bring the memories of the past into our minds. Since the mind is made of matter and all matter consists of energy, the mind can go through the dimensions of past, present and future for time. Our physical bodies cannot time travel because the mass that we have is too heavy to travel back or forward in time. Although we may not be able to physically travel to past, present and future our minds can create the images of what we want or experience in our day to day lives. People cannot physically travel to the future or back to the past. Physicists say that a person needs to travel faster than the speed of light to time travel. The speed of light is 2.98×10^8 meters per second and the human body cannot travel that fast. Doing so would cause us to create a time warp in the universe and cease to exist. People need to be a particle that has relatively little mass such as a photon to actually travel through time without causing a shift that could alter the universe. Since our minds are energy and light as well as a photon are energy, our minds can bring images of the past from our experiences and we can create images of what we want the future to be. Our thoughts can shift our realities even though we cannot physically go from past to present to future. By healing the past experiences, we can make ourselves feel more happier with each day and in that way we are influencing the present and creating our future. We may not be able to physically view the future or go back to change the past, but we can think positively and with our thoughts we can work on creating who we want to be each day. Each day that we live becomes the present and the day that we left behind is the past. And although we cannot change the past or delve into the future, we can hope for the best by creating positive thoughts in our minds that can make our lives feel better. Use your mind to make peace with your past and embrace the flaws you have, enjoy the present day that you are currently living in physically and use your mind to create a positive outcome for tomorrow or the future. Your mind doesn’t have boundaries of past, present or future so it’s important to watch your thoughts and use them to make your life worthwhile. Your physical body cannot change the situations that already happened, but your mind can create positive thoughts that help you embrace the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. Hope this explanation was uplifting and didn’t confuse you more.

Every day is a chance to discover the person you are and to do something that makes you smile a little brighter. So enjoy the little things in life because there are no second chances. Take time to appreciate the beauty of the sky and the world around you and go for the things that make your heart beat faster. Chase your dreams like there’s no tomorrow because tomorrow is never a guarantee so be your best self today and create the person you want to be.

Dear Anita

Thank you  for your encouragement and for helping me have a sense of self when I feel lost. It’s friends like you that help me shine brighter. I can be a candle, but it can be hard to refuel my flame at times and I am grateful to have friends who inspires me and ignite me with confidence to be myself each day. I hope that you always have enough spark and energy to rekindle your light and shine brighter when it feels like it may fade. It’s great to hear from you and your advice always uplifts me when I feel sad. It’s okay to take time for yourself, your health is important. The world has many problems and sometimes the best thing a person can do is to work on themselves and create their inner light. One light can illuminate the darkness of the world’s canvas. You are a candle in the world, Anita by working on healing yourself and shining your light, you make the world brighter with the beauty of your diversity. So never regret working on yourself first because by making yourself better than will you have the strength to light others way. You have made a difference in my life with your personality already. I admire your knowledge and compassion. Keep building your inner light Anita and let it burn away the negative emotions because you are stronger and more beautiful than the doubts that try to bring you down. And remember that if the doubts bring you down and leave you feeling broken, that it’s okay. Life gives people broken pieces so they can learn to explore the puzzles of their selves and build themselves into who they want to be. It is through the broken pieces that the light can shine in and that people can build themselves. The most important thing is to remember that you are worth more than the stereotypes of the world. I sacrificed my health by becoming anorexic to fit into a stereotype of what masculinity should be. I found myself trying to fit into a tight box, trying to help others understand who I was by fitting into a stereotype that didn’t fit me at all and it left me bruised and callused but it also gave me a sense of strength as I began to learn more about myself. Anita, never let the stereotypes of the world be your mirror. You are a beautiful soul and worth more than what the mirrors show. The mirror cannot show the person on the inside. It only shows the physical aspect of a person and not their feelings so it can never tell you who you truly are. The important thing is to remember that the people who matter are the ones who build you up and not break you down. There may be times when you need to take time to refuel your light and that’s okay. Your health is the priority. A person who is a candle in the darkness like you sometimes needs to take time to light it up again because everyone has struggles. But you, Anita are a strong person and may your light shine brighter and may you always have strength to survive in the darkness. I am grateful to have you in my life because your insightful and compassionate spirit always uplifts me and helps me better understand myself.

And it’s okay to lose yourself at times because sometimes people have to lose who they are, to lose who they thought they may have been to work on who they are and to make room for what matters to come in. People are a garden. They can grow flowers, but weeds will also come in from time to time and sometimes uprooting the weeds leaves holes in ourselves that make us feel lost, but it is those holes that give space for new flowers to grow. Sometimes people need to lose the illusions of what may not be who they are and through the darkness they can pick up the pieces and reflect on who they are and build themselves into the person they want to be. People are building their reality each day. Physicists say that time may be a fourth dimension and that each day time is a dynamic quantity. Yesterday becomes the past, today is the present and tomorrow is the future but it shifts again when a person lives it and when you live tomorrow it becomes the present. So the main moral of this is that people can shift their realities and make themselves into a better person. While you may not be physically able to travel back to the past, you can recall past events in your mind and work on healing from them. The dimensions of time: past, present and future are all interrelated and make a person who they have become. Everyone has different experiences and it is through our experiences that make us a unique person. People may feel lost and that’s okay because things can change with their mental perception. People cannot physically change the past, but they can create the image in their minds of a good past and a good present and a good future. It is important to take care of your mental health first because you can be the change that you want in the world. And when you work on yourself and build your light, you’ll find that you’ll shine bright in the darkness of the world and you can inspire others with your light. You are already an inspirational person, Anita by being the person you are and your strength helps others to have hope. In essence, by allowing yourself to be healthy and working on yourself and embracing the flaws that make you the special person you are, you are lighting up the world.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Janus.

The Reason (poem for Anita)

When I felt like I was fading away
You gave me hope that things would be okay
You give me a reason to change each day
When I feel lost, you’re encouragement helps me understand myself and work out a way
Because of you I find the strength to see myself as who I am and strive to be who I want to be, going for my dreams
You help me see a purpose in life when there’s only darkness it seems
You give me the reason to be the person I feel in my heart
Helping me pick up the pieces when I fall apart
Thank you for being a special friend and my love for you never ends

Friends are Stars (poem for Anita)

A million miles away, a spark of light in the distance

A star comes into existence

A spark of energy to light the darkness, giving hope

Brightening the horizons, seeing the colors in my telescope

Starry nights casting bright lights in the sky like a million candles

Effervescent glowing diamonds twinkle their brightness reminding that even through the darkness, life can be handled

One star shines bright in the sky

Guiding others along the way, giving them the hope to fly

The north star, a star of friendship

When I feel lost, providing me with life tips

You are a special star that guides me

Encouraging me to go for the person I want to be

Shining your light to guide me in dark times

Helping me feel back to my prime

And when I feel like I’ve lost my way

You help me feel like it’s okay

Thank you for helping me along my path and for providing me with many laughs

Friends are stars, helping you glow your true light

And reminding you that in darkness, you can shine bright

A star is born to light my way, to fill me with hope

A spark of energy filling me with the life of the universe burning away sorrows so I can cope

When life gets hard, you are there

Thank you for being the special star you are and for showing that you care

May your light continue to shine for the years to come

And if you ever feel lost or numb

Remember how special you are

Because you have the light of the stars

I’m proud of you, a friend so true.

Dear Anita

My Rutgers application is being reviewed currently. I had to email Rutgers Admissions department to tell them that the site (National Student Clearinghouse)I used to deliver my Ocean County College transcripts to Rutgers sent my transcript to Rutgers University- Undergraduate Admissions rather than email to Rutgers transcript department. I am grateful that they were able to get my Ocean County College transcript and now the status of my application says “In process” which means they likely have what’s needed to review the application. My last semester at Ocean County College starts in a week (January 23rd). I have a pretty packed schedule and am a bit nervous about the physics class I will take. I have been reviewing some physics concepts over winter break which has helped me. I also have developed a meditation and yoga routine which helps me feel balanced and focused. I find that meditation reduces my anxiety and helps me have a sense of my inner emotions. Also yoga helps with my flexibility and I find it quite enjoyable. Both meditation and yoga help relieve tension and I’m hoping that the routine that I build during winter break will carry on to help me reduce stress when classes start. I also have been doing lots of cleaning and reducing clutter in my room. I write my items on a list and I go through the list crossing things out that I don’t need and then throwing them out. I feel quite productive these days. Also I have been taking time for myself and working on letting go of people who don’t benefit me. It is a great feeling like releasing a burden by cutting the cords that tie you down to someone or something that doesn’t benefit you. I imagine the person or thing that has been taking too much of my life and I imagine me holding a scissor and cutting the cord that ties me to them. I allow myself to experience the hurt they caused and I tell myself that I am okay. I am not what others define me as, I am who I create myself to be. Then I imagine all the hurts on sheets of paper and I light a match and burn them and I think “Out of the ashes of the hurt, I arise into a better stronger person. I forgive myself and set myself free from the hurt. I am healing.” I know that it’s not easy to let go of others’ criticism and that I may slip at times, but I’ll be okay. Some days if I just have to hold things together or it’s hard to let go of something you’ve held for so long, it doesn’t mean that you have failed or are a bad person. It means that you were protecting yourself by building the layers to cope with the world. People build layers to protect themselves from the world, but their core self is still beneath the surface. Like an onion that has to protect the delicate skin underneath, people put layers on to protect themselves and sometimes when we start to remove the layers, we cry and that’s okay. I am thanking the layers of myself that I built to protect me. Even though not all of them were healthy, I tell them “I understand why you tried to help. I forgive you and I set myself free. The time has come to let go.” I am doing this with the anorexic layer I built to make myself look more masculine. I tell the layer ” I’m understand that you had to be here to help me understand that I’m more than the stereotypes of society. I understand why you (anorexia) started as a way to find a sense of self. I accept the lessons that I have taught me and I let you go. Thank you for teaching me about myself. I am healing now and you can go. I let you go because I want to be healthy. I know that it’s hard and that you still want to be a layer to protect me from society expectations, but sometimes losing layers helps you build yourself up. I am a garden, not perfect, growing weeds and flowers and sometimes the weeds I uproot leave holes and the layers protect me from myself but with the layers I can’t grow flowers in the spaces. So I release you, anorexia and in the space where there is a void is not loss of protection, but a place for me to nurture myself, grow flowers, cultivate the garden of my mind and heal.” I don’t see a perfect person, I see a flawed person worth loving and sometimes people have to break through the walls of layers so the light can shine in. People have broken pieces and holes that seem dark, but it is in those cracks or holes that light can come in. I am working on removing the layers, working through my emotions and discovering the light through the cracks in me and I am healing and mending the pieces into a better person. Sometimes people have to break to build themselves into the picture of who they really are. By picking up the pieces and seeing the reflection, people start to realize that life is a puzzle and although putting the pieces together may be difficult, the journey is worthwhile. Like glowsticks, people may break before they shine and broken pieces allow you to delve deeper into yourself and understand who you are and build yourself into a better person. People may put layers on themselves and they may break, but it is in those broken pieces that they see the reflection of a flawed self that is worth loving. The flaws that you have make you a unique person and can help you create the maps of your life so you can decide what road to travel on. I am no longer the person who tries to fit into societal expectations while I lose myself because I realize that the person I am is worth more than the stereotypes. I tried to put layers on and fit myself into a role but I didn’t truly fit so I became callused and bruised. The layers may protect, but they can also constrict me of painting my diversity on the canvas. I am not a blank canvas, but a person who has layers of many colors working on finding my true self. Some of the  colors resonate with me while others make me question the art I put out to the world. I am an artist, working on removing the layers of expectations, discovering my true colors and creating the person I want to be on the canvas.