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JanusParticipantLater during the day (past Saturday), two customers were in my restaurant at 9PM (hour before closing). And one was short and blonde wearing a light colored sweater and jeans while the other was tall, had black hair and wore black athletic wear (nylon sweatpants and sweater). I think the athletic wear was a soccer outfit, so they may have just finished a soccer game. Both people were good friends and as I listened to their conversation I couldn’t help feeling like they reminded me of two halves of myself. It was like I was seeing two people who were mirrors of how I could be at times in my life. The blonde and short person was giving advice to the taller black haired one. Both were biologically female, but I think that the one who had black hair and was wearing athletic wear may have been questioning their gender identity. Anyway, I heard them both talking. I am going to use person 1 to refer to the blonde haired and short person and person 2 to refer to the tall black haired person. I don’t want to misgender anyone or confuse you with the appearances. So person 2 (tall, black-haired) was crying and I felt compassion for them. They were telling their friend (person 1) how they felt like they were losing themselves in their life and didn’t see a purpose in it. They said that they were stressed about school work and wasn’t sure if their friends were really helping or adding to the stress. They were afraid that they weren’t going anywhere in life, but trying their best yet still feeling empty inside. They talked about how they had a relationship for ten years and the person they were dating died in a car crash when an alcoholic person hit their partner and how they felt sad. They also talked about how they didn’t really understand their role in society and wondered if what they were learning was going to help them or if they would know how to use it. They told their friend that they didn’t understand their gender identity and felt overwhelmed with the stereotypes of society and felt like they were losing themselves each day. They didn’t understand who they were anymore and didn’t feel like they were living the right life.
Hearing person 1 (black hair and tall) talking about their struggles filled me with compassion and I felt like I was looking at myself when I am in my darkest moments. Anyway I love their friend’s response.Ā Person 2 (their friend who is blonde and short) told them that life is a journey of trials and tribulations. Sometimes you may fall apart and life feels meaningless but you are still alive and can experience things. Pain comes into a person’s life to help them work on improving themselves and make them understand where they need to reflect on who they are. Person 2 understood that person 1 was struggling and gave great advice to help person 1. And it helped person 1 because they started to cheer up a bit. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told person 1 that no matter what happens, that they are beautiful and that person 2 will always be there for them. Person 2 also said that although you may miss the person you lost, sometimes life is touched with rain and you are have holes in your self, but those spaces give you room to grow. Through pain, we become more aware of ourselves and through the sadness we learn to appreciate what we have. Person 2 told person 1 that they are okay. They don’t have to have it all figured out now and that person 2 will always be there to help person 1. The person who is gone would want you to live your life in a way that honors them and you should build yourself up because then you have strength. Person 2 told person 1 that everything happens for a reason and that they should live their life in a way that honors the person they lost. The other person’s life was short so you should appreciate each moment and build yourself up. Allow the people who passed away to live through you and keep striving for your goals. Honor them by being who you are. The love that they gave you and the memories that you created won’t fade, so treasure them and build yourself up. It may be difficult now, but you’re not alone. Person 2 told person 1 that they were going to stand together and help each other through. And that person 1 can build themselves up to stand tall and work on making their life meaningful because life has so much to offer and each day is different and the universe keeps changing so it’s important not to give up and take each moment as a tribute to those you love and treat yourself the best because you are special and life is short.
Before they left, person 1 (black hair and tall) looked at me and I felt like we were sharing pieces of our soul, like we were seeing ourselves in each other and we both felt compassion. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told me to take care of myself and not stress myself too much with friends and school work and take time to look at the things that matter and work on uplifting myself and others.
Person 1 (tall, black-haired) reminds me of who I am when I am lost in gender dysphoria while person 2 (blonde hair and short) reminds me of the hope I have and the advice I give to others and when I feel like I am working towards who I am. Both represent two halves of myself, one during my darkest days and the other the light that comes back after being lost in the darkness. It was like I was seeing myself reflected in two different people. Although I didn’t have a person die in a car crash, I have lost someone I care about to suicide. I have moments lost in gender dysphoria when I see myself as person 1 and that customer who was in my restaurant is a reflection of myself. At other times when I’m encouraging myself and others, I am person 2. So it was like I was seeing two people who were like me and that they were two halves of myself and this experience allowed me to look at people in a new light. Everyone has a story and is struggling in some way. People are more alike than they seem and we all feel sadness and it’s important to tell someone that they are valuable because that person may need it. People don’t have to be afraid of others (unless there’s an actual threat to safety), but they can reach out to them and better understand the world around them and who they are as well. People shouldn’t be afraid to reach out and connect with others because we are all human beings having a purpose and sometimes the person you reach out to can make a difference in the life of you and them. So after this encounter, I decided to spend the week ahead spreading positivity to people. I told people to have a good day and I felt content to look upon the smiles I got from people. One person told me that I was a blessing and that they were glad to have met me and this was yesterday. It’s amazing how an act of kindness can go a long way or how the people around you can make you understand your life more. Take care of yourself Anita and keep the kindness spreading. I am grateful to have met these two people this past Saturday and also spend time with my special friend. This experience made me realize how special life is and how valuable each person is.
JanusParticipantAlso my special friend and I hung out this past Saturday. We talked about the classes we were taking and took a walk out in nature just admiring the birds and the way the sunlight danced upon the trees. I had a great Saturday and I felt like I had a inner glow that was illuminating my way and things would be alright. I felt truly alive and living in the moment. I also cried and when my special friend asked me if I was okay, I told him that I loved him and he helped me see the light in my life. I don’t want that light to fade away and I will do all that I can to keep it shining. There was a moment when my special friend and I just listened to the birds and felt the wind whistling through the trees and we hugged each other and both were grateful to be alive.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your response! I love snow because the world becomes a winter wonderland and the trees that have snow on the branches glisten in the morning glow and it’s breathtaking. It’s moments like these out in nature that makes me grateful to be alive. I don’t mind shoveling the snow either because it’s a good workout and also I enjoy the feeling of pushing the snow forward well skating on the thin film of ice as if I am striving for my goals, pushing through obstacles and skating forward. It’s a lot of fun and it helps warm you up because the physical exertion generates muscle contractions that produce heat. The more I learn about the human body in Anatomy/Physiology, the more I appreciate the complexity of the person I am. It’s amazing that a person’s body knows how to heal a paper cut and grow and replenish new cells. Every 120 days, your blood cells are recycled by the liver and spleen and you create new ones. Your body is very busy on a cellular level keeping you healthy and keeping the bacteria levels low. The more I learn about the human body, the more I appreciate the amazing person each individual is and the more I can be grateful of the things in my life. I enjoy learning new things because it helps me better understand myself and the world I live in. It may be difficult at times because there’s so much to think about in the world, but I can take it one step at a time and appreciate each day as it comes. I found myself this morning worrying about my History III paper and physics exam and my inner critic was about to come in and make things worse. So I reminded myself that I should live one day at a time and take it one step at a time. Worrying will not help me and may fuel more worry. I will take little steps and focus on today. Each day is different and I cannot plan for every day, so I should be grateful for the moment I am living in. Even if I did plan everything out, I cannot guarantee things will go as expected, there may be detours but I’m in the journey of life and as long as I’m picking up the pieces and improving I’m okay. I don’t need to stress about what may happen because that may change on what I decide to do from day to day, so I should live in the moment and appreciate each day. As soon as I started to think this way, the clouds of my inner critic that were about to form seemed to disperse and I was left with thin wispy clouds in the sky. I was still a little nervous about my assignments, but I was not going to let them overwhelm me like a storm cloud. I took the impending storm cloud of the inner critic and with my reasoning I turned the clouds into cirrus clouds for fair skies to help give me clarity. There will be days when the inner critic takes over and the skies are filled with storm clouds and I find myself drenched in the rain of tears and shaking but behind every cloudy storm filled sky lies a rainbow and the sun will rise again. So even though some days gender dysphoria makes me lose my self, I remind myself that today I’ll hold myself together and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will heal the broken pieces. The rains of sorrows wash away who I was so I can create the rainbow soul of who I want to be and I can shine brighter. Behind each storm that shakes the foundation is a way to clear the space and hold the pieces to the light for healing and rebuild a stronger foundation. I may have broken pieces and I am not perfect but I don’t need to be. The flaws within myself help me understand who I am and help me with my life’s journey. I met my special friend this past Saturday and he told me “You are more than the sum of your flaws and doubts. You’re beautiful being who you are. The world cannot tell you who to be because you hold the brush that paints the canvas, so paint it with the colors of your soul. I don’t see perfection, I see a flawed person worth loving. And even with broken pieces, you are healing and working on becoming whole. You are amazing and it’s not what the criticsĀ see that matters, it’s how you see yourself. The critics cannot understand who you are because they don’t hold the pens in your life. They may write a page in your book, but you hold the pen in your hand and you create your life’s story. You are amazing and worth more than you believe. I don’t see the flaws, I see a beautiful soul who I love and believe in.” I was elated to hear his words and they helped me feel better about myself. I don’t have to fit into a box of what others think of me, as long as I’m improving and making myself better that’s what counts. I am not perfect and don’t want to be limited by fitting into a stereotype, I want to be the person I create to be and I think my special friend’s words made me realize more about who I am and who I want to be. I am grateful to have friends like you and him who encourage me in my darkest times and give me a sense of purpose. Thank you so much for being such a special soul Anita. I am grateful to have your light in my life. May you always have light to help you through the darkness and blessings of abundance to help you refuel the candle you light to guide others.
JanusParticipantEveryone has a purpose in life and sometimes it takes some people time to find where their talents are. But everyone has talents and is in this world for a reason. People are here to help better understand themselves and uplift others through their life’s experiences. The talent and characteristics that you see in another person is a reflection of the trait within yourself. People allow us to better understand ourselves and people are mirrors of each other. If you see something in others, it is likely that trait is within you as well because you would not be able to see the trait in others if you were not aware of it yourself. So the beauty that you see in others is within ourselves, but it can be hard to be aware of it because people are their own worst critics. It is often easier to reflect the light of others rather than seeing the candle within ourselves. People can see the qualities of others quite clearly because we are all reflections of each other and many people are mirrors that reflect the light of others even though they have the light within themselves as well. The society is founded on the diversity of each individual which brings their own ideas to form a collective society. You are a special person and your diversity helps the framework of society. You are an individual born in society and you have ideas that help expand the society’s horizons. Each individual in society contributes an idea to the whole. No one has the same talents and that’s a good thing because with each individual’s diversity the society is a multitude of beautiful souls. If everyone was the same, we wouldn’t have much of a society because it would be boring to have everyone be the same and society would be stagnant with the same ideas. It is through the different talents of individuals that make society diverse and a beautiful place that can change and improve. You may think that you don’t have good talents, but each individual has a contribution to society and your diversity is what makes you unique. You are here for a reason and while you may not be sure of your purpose, you still provide other people a sense of self. When people look at others, they better understand themselves. So even though you may think you have no talents, you give others a sense of who they are because others can see you and get a better understanding of who they are and when they improve because you helped them, you both help society as a whole. So don’t think you don’t have talents because there are many talents in the world. Howard Gardner says people have 9 different intelligences. Some people may be Logical-Mathematical and linguistic-verbal which are traditional academic skills of mathematical reasoning and writing. But others may be Bodily-Kinesthethic which means they learn by doing things or are athletic. Still others may be spatial-visual and great at creating maps and visualizing things. Some people may be musical and do well with art and music. Others may be intrapersonal and good at understanding themselves. And others may be good at being interpersonal or communicating with others. Still others may be naturalistic and good at exploring nature, being creative and analytical and have science skills. And some may have existential intelligence where they are very self-aware and are good at living life. There are many levels of talents and intelligences and the diversity of each individual makes society unique. Everyone has different talents and intelligence is how well a person adapts to their environment and solves problems. People have different ways of adapting to their environment and solving problems and as long as you are improving and living well in society and can adapt to new problems and the environment you are intelligent. The world has different people with different talents and not everyone is like the other, but we are all special in our own way. The talents that a person you admire has is already within you, but you aren’t aware of it. In order for you to see the light of others, your mind needs to acknowledge that there is a light in the world and that it exists in people. Since your mind has acknowledged that there is a light in others and it’s your mind that means that you know there’s light in the world and that it resides in everyone including you. You may be more aware of it in others than in you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the light within you. In order for your mind to have created the light that you see in another person, you must have seen the light within your self and acknowledged that there is light in people and then you reflected it out to others. Since people are their own worst critics, it is often hard for them to be aware that their mind knows that they have the light that they see in others, but it’s there.
Don’t let the doubts bring you down. You are not what your flaws tell you are, but what you create yourself to be. The flaws that you have are only a page in your book of life whileĀ you are the one writing your life’s story. Others do not hold the map of your life because they aren’t walking the roads of your life’s experiences. You are the person who creates the routes of your life towards your destination. Don’t let setbacks and flaws prevent you from going for your goals. Stop trying to compare yourself to others because you live your own life and there is no one like you. If you try to seek validation on the outside, you won’t find it because everyone has different aspects of how to live life. You know who you are within your heart and that is the guidance that you should follow. Keep improving yourself each day, focusing on your goals. Remember that the world and filled with different people and that you are a unique person. Don’t be anyone else except you. No one can tell you what image you will paint on the canvas of society. So work on building your inner candle because the beauty you see in others is a reflection of yourself. You aren’t like other people and you don’t need to be someone else or be jealous of others. The whole world is full of people trying to be like other people that people lose the valuable person they are. If society had everyone have the same talents, it wouldn’t grow and change. As long as you are alive, you can grow and change. Take each day as a chance to improve yourself. Write down what you want to accomplish today and the steps you think you can do today and keep doing it. Build yourself up and remember to shine your brightest because one day that light will fade and life will flash before your eyes. So take the time to appreciate who you are.
Sending positive inspiration your way to help brighten your darkest days. Remember that you are a candle and keep shining your light because you have a powerful might and life may not be easy it seems but you are strong enough to achieve your dreams. Sending luck and blessings your way to help you on your path and remember to relax and laugh.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
The Chemistry II exam Monday wasn’t too difficult, hoping for at least an 85. It is currently snowing outside this morning and the snow on the branches of the holly tree in the front yard is beautiful. I am working on reducing my stress levels because there is a lot of assignments due before Spring break which starts March 18th.Ā I have a physics exam and Anatomy/Physiology II lab exam March 6th. I will also be studying for a History III quiz March 5th and Anatomy/Physiology II lecture quiz March 7th. It’s going to be a lot of studying. I have been taking breaks in between so I don’t feel overwhelmed. I have three assignments for March 14th which are the History III essay (I started the outline and have sources), Art History rexam and my Anatomy/Physiology II lecture exam on the immune system/ respiratory system.
Although my classes are keeping me quite busy, I still find time to appreciate nature. I enjoy the sunrise and the weather and feel grateful that I am alive. Every day is a new beginning filled with opportunities to create who I want to be. I cannot let worry and anxiety ruin the days of my life because each moment is precious and a person cannot go back to yesterday so I try to find something good in each day. I may be stressed about things, but I remember that life is worth more than the little things, it’s a journey and as long as you keep walking the path and improving that’s what matters. Keep focusing on your goals and although the road may get bumpy and you may run into detours and potholes you can have hope that you’ll end up where you were meant to be. Your mind is energy and with your conscious awareness you can use your mind to visualize the direction you want to take and sometimes the road may be difficult but it is always possible to get to your goals. You are a driver on the roads of your life and you can steer yourself in the direction you want to go. You may get lost sometimes or veer off course, but your mind’s energy brings awareness and energy flows to where you want to go helping you there. So don’t worry about the roadblocks and detours, take each moment to enjoy the day and the wonders of nature and be grateful for who you are. Your body works hard to protect itself from pathogens and your cells renew and repair each day, you are a special person and it’s important to value yourself. Your worth more than the stereotypes and the grades you have. Everyone has a purpose in life.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
Wishing you a good week ahead filled with blessings of positivity. Thank you for being such an amazing person. I am gratefulĀ to have your inspiration in my life that always encourages me to shine brighter. The meditation routine that I am doing helps with gender dysphoria and I find myself more focused and able to contain my anxiety. I am working on a meditation that allows me to be in the “eye of the storm” and remain grounded and centered even when my thoughts are in an emotional hurricane. It has been helping me focus. I also started the schedule with the tasks I should do and it helps me keep on track and feel productive. I cross out things on the schedule and when my inner critic says that I didn’t do anything productive I can prove it otherwise and it lessens the voice of the inner critic. My college Ocean Pride LGBTQ group has been great and they have helped the teachers understand the struggles of the LGBTQ people on campus which is a great thing because I am glad to have my teachers’ understanding which makes me feel less stressed. I am preparing for a Chemistry II exam and after a few hours of studying, I took a walk outside. The wind is very strong today, but the sun is shining so it’s not cold. There were some birds in the backyard and IĀ decided to get some bird seed to feed them. It felt great just to watch the birds get really excited and call for others to join the party and I had five birds snacking on bird seed in my yard. After a while, the birds left and I just listened to the wind in the trees and felt the sun on my skin and just decided to de-stress for a bit. After being outside for a half hour, I went back inside feeling refreshed and decided to study some more problems for Monday’s exam. Take care of yourself, Anita! Thank you for being who you are and may your light shine like the stars!
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This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by
Janus.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
I am grateful for the three day weekend because I got caught up on assignments and also it snowed a bit on Wednesday so my physics class from 12:30pm-1:45pm was cancelled and I only had one class which was Anatomy/Physiology II lab and it was an early dismissal- instead of 10am-11:40am, the teacher let the students out at 11am because it had started to snow. Although the snow turned to rain in the late afternoon, the college was still closed for the day and it allowed me to catch up on assignments. I am thinking of constructing a schedule that will help me stay organized with my assignments and allocate time for different tasks. The meditation routine helps with mental clarity and focus. The gender dysphoria is still prevalent but I try not to let it overwhelm me. There will be times when I feel like I’m made of paper and my mind is tearing me apart with criticisms about me not looking masculine enough and my heart will feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest in anxiety and I am just holding myself by the fibers of who I am, just fibers- the tenuous strands that feel like they may break at any moment and my heart pounds and I feel dissociated from myself and wish the anxiety and pain would just stop but it doesn’t and then the paper rips apart and I am left in pieces crying as I try to put myself back together, such is the nature of intense gender dysphoria. At it’s worst, I feel like I am a piece of paper fighting the hammer of my mind and my heart is beating because I’m fighting myself trying to create who I want to be and the criticisms of my mind are like hammers that tear the paper and with my heart beat and myself dissociated from who I am, I am holding the shreds of myself working on piecing them together again as my heart beats trying to keep me alive. I don’t want to have an energy signature of pain or live with myself fading away or at risk for falling apart. I want to build myself up and be more that just a paper that crumbles. I want to be a building that I build up from the shreds of rubble from life’s storms and create a stronger foundation. This semester has many classes and they are quite difficult with many time intensive assignments, but I am working on my health. I want to work on building my inner light so when the inner critic of my mind tries to bring me down, I have a flame to light away and burn the darkness. I just completed my first exam for Anatomy/Physiology II yesterday and I think I received at least an 85. I will check my grades when the teacher posts them on Tuesday. I will be studying for Chemistry II exam for Monday and catching up on some assignments for my classes. I am thinking of taking a break from electronic devices except to use them to listen to music for a week so I can focus on myself. After the assignments, I may take a walk out in nature and just enjoy the moment. It would be great to have a self-care week where I just focused and meditated on myself. I find that it helps with my gender dysphoria because I’m not pressured by my friends to give them advice when I take time for myself. Another thing I am planning on doing to relieve myself of stress is to read some good books and stop doing anything strenuous by 9pm. So next week I am thinking of starting my self-care week and for the following weeks, I want to spend the days where I have the most classes working on organizing my assignments and have days where I will rest. I know Mondays and Tuesdays are busy days so I will work on handling my school assignments and try to minimize my time with friends, I will let them know that I care and give them ideas to help but I will try not to overwhelm myself by trying to help them and also do school work at the same time which doesn’t work well when I have my two hardest classes Chemistry II and Physics on Mondays and Tuesdays so I don’t really have much time to dedicate to friends, but I always try to let them know I am there for them if they need me, but I need time for myself on some days. I have stopped seeking acceptance from my parents about who I am, but I am also wary of them because I still live with them and they support me financially so I try to relieve the tension between us, but still work on ways of asserting who I am. It can be difficult at times because my parents won’t see my interests or think that the things I do won’t serve a purpose in life. They think that I don’t have the practical experience to survive and be independent in the world. I don’t think they care about my spiritual scientific side because they are always trying to argue with me about different things and why what I do won’t work or is bad for society. But they don’t really know much about genetic engineering and stem cells for cancer as I have done lots of research into it and they just argue using what they perceive in their minds and if things go against their traditional beliefs then they don’t acknowledge it. I am grateful to have an open-minded and compassionate soul like you. Thank you Anita for being the special person you are. I am working on building up my confidence and not draining my energy with trying to make people accept me but working on asserting myself at times and also working on believing in myself more. I don’t need to have the acceptance of my parents, we can agree to disagree and will have arguments at times when I feel like I need to assert myself but I am not wasting my energy trying to get them to understand who I am when it seems like they aren’t really interested in seeing beyond the realm of their own traditional perspectives. I hope you have a good weekend Anita. Keep shining the light of who you are. You are a rainbow in my life that gives me hope when I am drenched by life’s storms. Thank you for helping me see meaning in my life and for being the encouragement that helps me to keep striving and painting the darkness with my light. When I feel like I cannot pick up the pieces and work on putting them back together, your light helps me have hope and work on healing. Thank you for shining your light into my life Anita and may the stars always shine brighter in your darkest times to help guide you as you have inspired me in the darkest times. May your light keep shining and the candle within you always have a flame to burn away the darkness of negativity and broken pieces.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
Thank you so much for spreading your positivity into my life. You make a difference in the world just by being the special person you are and helping me shine brighter. May you be blessed with health, positivity and happiness in all aspects of life. My Art History professor is very organized and caring. I admire her compassion for her students as she helps them understand the nature behind why certain types of art are important and what stories they can tell people about myself society that they live in. Ancient Egyptian art is beautiful but I am thinking of writing my one page essay to compare a piece of Egyptian art with an art of the Mayan civilization or the Middle East. The essay is not due until April 25th, but I like to plan ahead so I have time to think about topics to write about and what two pieces of art I want to compare. My Art History professor explains things quite clearly and shows interesting videos that help students better understand the material. She also draws diagrams on the board classifying different aspects of art from different periods of time and it helps the students understand how each piece works art shares similarities and differences. She lists many resources to help her students in organized modules where a student can go from one to the next and know what topic is being covered in class. I admire her knowledge and explanations as well as her attention to detail to make sure the students understand the material and presenting it to them in different ways to help them better analyze things. My gender dysphoria is still there, it won’t go away until I transition but there are days when I feel okay and it’s not overwhelming. My physics class triggers my anxiety the most because the professor doesn’t spend much time explaining how to solve the problems, but more on how to manipulate the equations and the general concepts of physics so the assignments can be difficult to understand since most of the lecture is spent working on equations rather than helping students understand how to work through the problems. Knowing how to manipulate the equations is helpful at times when you have a problem that requires you to work with an equation, but sometimes students need a know how to approach a problem so they know how to start it. My physics professor doesn’t go over many practice problems in class, he covers the concepts and helps you understand the equations but the students have to figure out which thing they learned applies to the problem they are trying to solve. I think the physics professor wants students to develop critical thinking skills by having them figure out what method to use for the problems, but it can be difficult for students who are taking the physics course for the first time and don’t have a basis on how to work through physics problems. By just giving the concepts and the equations and not explaining much about how to apply it to a problem leaves students confused on which concept they should apply to which problem. I wish the physics professor would take time to explain how the equations fit into the problems and help students learn how to make connections to the concepts to the problems rather than just teaching the equations and concepts with very few practice problems and leaving the students to try to grasp how to approach a problem. The physics professor will spend class time going over some basic concepts and equations of a chapter and how they came about and this takes up most of the class period and then he assigns practice problems that he expects the students to understand even though very few practice problems are discussed in class and students have to figure out how to solve them themselves and try to grasp at which equation may fit into a problem and it takes many hours to do the homework. And when the homework problems are handed in, the physics professor puts the homework problems in a random number generator and the computer picks two problem numbers for him to grade which makes it difficult for students to get full Marks on their assignments because if they did badly on the two problems randomly picked, they don’t receive credit assignment the assignment. Also my physics professor doesn’t vary his explanations, but uses brief explanations and similar techniques to explain concepts to students so if you don’t understand the way he explains something, it can be difficult to understand the material because he doesn’t really explain it in much detail to students or in different approaches, but expects students to mostly teach themselves. This is why I like my Art History professor better because she uses different from to help students learn the material and provides various resources to help them. She also goes over topics that students struggled with in their homework essays and helps students better understand things. I am working on taking time for myself and shutting off the notifications on my phone so I can focus on school work. I try to help my friends as best I can by encouraging them and providing them with resources, but I tell them that some times I can’t help them. I would like to help them and I care for them and will encourage them, but I can’t be with them every step of the way because I have things in my life that need to get done. By asserting myself this way with my friends, I have felt less stressed and feel like I have more time to dedicate to things and I am working on catching up with some of my school work. I have a Chemistry II exam Monday February 25th and an Anatomy/Physiology II exam February 21st. I am currently working on the assignments and studying for these two classes. My Chemistry II lab professor explains things very well and is very helpful, but she’s a tough grader. If you miss one word that is part of the definition of a Chemistry term or if your measurements are off by 0.5 mm, she takes points off. I like her as a professor because she explains things clearly and students learn a lot, but she pays attention to every small detail of your experiment analysis and will take points off for small errors but I think she wants students to do well and truly apply themselves to what they are learning about. My Chemistry II lab classmates are very helpful with helping me understand the experiments. I hope to do better in Chemistry II this semester than I did last semester and my lab professor is tough so I will have to work with my classmates to do well since the lab class is 25% of the grade while Chemistry II lecture is 75%. I am grateful that there is no school Monday February 18th for President’s Day so I can catch up on some things this week. I am working on my gender dysphoria which is still quite prevalent and sometimes makes it difficult to focus or makes it anxious in classes. I find that meditation helps and I want to plan a schedule so I can organize myself through the days for assignments, time with friends and meditation. I am no longer trying to hide my gender dysphoria, but talking with members of my college’s Ocean Pride LGBTQ club and they are very helpful. They always manage to make Me laugh and uplift me when I’m feeling stressed. There will be days when my heart is pounding and I feel like glass walls are encasing me in and when they break the glass shards pierce my heart and makes it difficult to breathe and my mind feels like it’s under water looking at myself from beneath surface as I try to save myself from drowning in my thoughts. Gender dysphoria at its worst leaves a person feeling shaken, irritated, not knowing how to focus and just feeling like someone smashed the glass jar you are and you are trying to hold the pieces together, trying toĀ be strong but the tears flow through the cracks and you fall apart. But people are buildings, when life’s sstorms cause themĀ to collapse, they can take the rubble and build a stronger foundation, creating a new better person than they used to be. It may be difficult, but no one is likeĀ you and that makes you special. You have the tools to build your structures and create the maps of your life in the direction you want go. No one carries theĀ tools that you have, people can try to write a version of you based on what chapter they walked in on, but you hold the pen in your hand and the story you create is your own. You can add many pages of inspiration by spreading your struggles on the pages to help them heal by bringing them to the light and releasing them where they can inspire others. The book of life is yours to write because you are the one living your life. Others may try to write some of the pages, but the pen’s in your hands and you decide where you go in your life. Don’t let the pages of the critics and doubts deter you from filling the pages of your life with the dreams of your heart. Go for your dreams and create them in book of life, so when it comes time to close the book of life, you have chapters of stories to inspire others and memories to enjoy. Live eachĀ moment, appreciate the little things such as the sunrise and sunset because each day is a gift to explore yourself and the universe. You are not the pages of your past or the doubts and criticisms, your life’s story contains many chapters and it’s important to each moment and not waste time in stress because each day that passes is a day gone. So keep striving for your dreams, don’t wait for an opportunity, create the opportunity and write the stories of inspiration to uplift the world. Do what makes your heart beat faster and your soul shine brighter. Look at yourself today and see yourself clearly because each moment in life is treasure and the hands of time are short so do whatever it takes to create the best version of yourself because there are no second chances and you can’t rewind a moment in this life. So do whatever it takes to improve your life and spread positivity in this world because today could be your last day and tomorrow may be too late. Take care of the special person you are and don’t let anything stand in your way of building your foundation and going for your dreams. Look at yourself today and see what matters and appreciate the things that you have because they may fade away, look at yourself and work on building up from the rubble of your broken pieces and flaws and create your life story. It’s never too late to improve yourself, so keep learning and striving forĀ new horizons that make your soul shine. And when the book of your life closes, remember that you truly lived.
JanusParticipantDespite the struggles I’m going through, I have reasons to live because I can grow and change. As long as I’m holding myself and not giving up then I’m making progress.
13 Reasons to live
1. You can change yourself for the better, if you give up you lose your chances to improve
2. The world needs people like you to show others that struggles are okay and that you can overcome adversity
3. You can inspire others with your stories, you may not feel like there’s anyone who cares but the world would not be the same place without you in it
4. You influence the lives of others around you and if you die, they will miss you
5. Life brings many opportunities to appreciate the universe like the stars and sun and you need to be alive to enjoy it
6. Leaving behind an energy signature of sadness and things left undone and not being able to change since you gave up is sad for everyone including you
7. Suicide is permanent and you won’t be able to meet the people who will build you up because you have extinguished your life and your light
8. As long as you are still living and holding on, you are strong because you were made to live this life and are strong enough to survive the dark times
9. You don’t want to let the critics and the negative emotions win, you are more than that. You are a fighter and can fight to stand
10. Don’t give up because you won’t have a future to create. You may not see a future yet, but the darkest nights can make the stars shine brighter
11. Feel that beat in your heart? That’s the beat of your life and that’s precious. Your body always tries to make yourself feel better. If you feel sad, you’re heart rate slows down and you feel colder. Don’t let life slip away from you and hold on to your dreams. Your body is telling you with your slowly beating heart that although you may be broken, you are still breathing and you can still live and grow
12. Feeling empty in life and like no one cares? Treat yourself, remind yourself that you deserve to be healthy and that you are important. You were put in this world for a reason. There is no junk in the world, you may not know your purpose but that’s okay. Don’t let others define your happiness and take time to look at who you are and who you want to be
13. Remember that you are special and strong enough to survive this life. And be proud of how far you’ve come and not how far you have to go. Life is worthwhile because you can make a difference in the world. If you give up, you won’t be able to create the world you want to see or the self you want to be.
JanusParticipantAnita is a ray of sunshine helping me feel more positive in the dark times. Thank you for making my life meaningful with your light and for inspiring me to be a better person.
JanusParticipantThis week hasn’t been the best week emotionally for me, but there’s a three day weekend because Monday February 18th is President’s Day. I’m hoping that it will give me time to relax a bit. As much as I would like to helpĀ my friends with their projects and assignments, I can’t do as much because most of my time is spent catching up on my school work and working with classmates on assignments or seeking help from the tutors. I really want to pass this semester because it’s the last semester and I need the credits to graduate and transfer. My college counselor hasn’t answered my emails for counseling appointment and I wish she would because it would be nice to talk with her about stress. The therapist I used to go to in Toms River near my college, I am working on saving money for her. She deals with gender dysphoria and LGBTQ club and when I was seeing her, she gave good advice and helped her put things into perspective, but currently I am working on the financial resources so I can only see her once a month which is okay, but she wish it could be more often. Thank you Anita for being here for me. I am grateful to have your positivity in my life. Thank you for being the special person you are and for helping me feel better during the dark times.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
I am grateful to have a person like you in my life. Thank you for being the beautiful soul you are. The LGBTQ group members I often see on campus when going to my classes and they always help me feel better about myself. My classes are quite intensive this semester, even though the work load isn’t too much. Having three classes on most ofĀ my days can be quite straining sometimes. Here’s my schedule:
Mondays: 12:30pm-1:45pm is Physics
2pm-3:40pm is Physics Lab
5pm-7:30pm is Chemistry II
Tuesdays
8am-9:15am US History III
12:30pm-1:45pm Art History
8pm-9:40pm Chemistry II lab
Wednesdays
Anatomy/Physiology II lab 10am-11:40am
Physics 12:30pm-1:45pm
Thursdays
8am-9:15am US History III
12:30pm-1:45pm Art History
5pm-7:30pm Anatomy/Physiology II
I use Fridays to catch up on assignments. Lately my gender dysphoria has become more prominent, but I am coping with it. It can be difficult at times and there are times when I will feel drained of energy as I’m just trying to stop my heart from feeling like it’s going to pound out of my chest due to anxiety and I am trying to hold things together with the thoughts in my mind saying I’m not enough. Sometimes I need to take a break from school because the dysphoria interferes with my concentration. When I miss a class or an assignment and my grade goes down, I feel sad and that causes more gender dysphoria. I start wondering if I’m making progress in life because I’m missing assignments and I’m afraid that I will fail a class and not get a degree. When this happens I start to panic and think about how without the degree I won’t be able to get a good job to pay for my medical transition and this makes me feel depressed because I don’t have to live my life in a body that doesn’t feel like me. It’s even worse when my friends try to get me to help them with school work because they think I’m smart and I can help them and since I write lots of inspirational things I am good at holding things together, so when I withdraw from them I feel guilty because I am not helping them with their school work and I feel like a bad friend. But most of my friends don’t know what it’s like to have gender dysphoria that can be so intense that it causes me to feel like I’m losing myself and wonder if I’m just a robot in my life. I wanted see if Student Supp Services for the college could help give me some aid and time for assignments and counseling and I was rejected because I don’t meet academic need with a 3.7 cumulativeĀ GPA. But it’s still difficult and last night, I had a 3.00 GPA which is just above what my state grant NJSTARS will cover in tuition costs, but students have to maintain a 3.00 GPA or higher and I just managed that last semester. I am scared that this semester that I may fail my classes and not be able to transfer my credits because the classes are a bit difficult, my friends keep trying to get me to help them with things and my gender dysphoria seems to rising. I feel irritated with myself and anxious about many things like school, wondering about my friends and if I’m being selfish not helping them as much as I would like to (mostly just reminding them that I care and giving them inspiration or a small hand, but not a lot) and the gender dysphoria about wondering whether I look masculine enough is getting to me. When the gender dysphoria is at its worst, it feels like I’m lost in a vortex where I’m being sucked down by thoughts of who I don’t want to be, thoughts of a body that seems female and it makes me feel like I’m screaming on the inside tryingĀ to fight my way out of the vortex but I can’t so I just dissociate and it seems like part of me just becomes part of the void and I’m drained of trying to fight myself, trying and make myself look like someone my mind wants me to be and I just shatter into the vortex and I start to cry because I feel like I’m fighting to stay who I want to be, but my mind is at war with itself and trying to bring me down and I get lost in the vortex of my mind and just feel empty, anxious and depressed.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for being the inspiration that shines light in my life and helps me illuminate the dark parts within. Your advice helps me gain confidence to not hide my flaws, but to work on healing from them and making myself into a better person. I am enjoying my last semester of college and will definitely be visiting the college again when I transfer to a four year university. The first Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting was today and the members had lots of fun sharing stories and helping each other understand their experiences. The Ocean Pride LGBTQ group is amazing and always makes me feel more secure in my sense of self, the members share stories and help each other through the hard times and they also have many laughs. I feel like college is a place where I found parts of myself and a sense of belonging. I am still working on the puzzle of who I am, but I am grateful to have friends like you who inspire me to keep going when things get tough. Thank you for being the light in my life and for being the candle that helped me work on lighting my own inner fire. I hope that you always radiate the light in times of darkness and remember that you are a star and I am glad that you are who you are.
JanusParticipantI am thinking of talking to my college counselor on Tuesdays at 2:30pm like I have been doing for most of the appointments I have set up with her for the previous semester. I meditate each morning and night and I also do yoga.Ā Remember that you are a special friend and I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for spreading your inspiration to help me through the darkness.
JanusParticipantDear Anita
The formatting of the post got messed up because I was typing it on my phone and then switched to computers. Hope your days are filled with productivity and may the light of the stars shine upon you!
Here is the total of the post I meant to send for clarity (Sorry for the confusion and I hope this clears some things up):
I hope that this week brings you blessings and abundance. Thank you for being here for me and for sharing your advice to help me feel stronger in times when Iām struggling. I am working on releasing stress in my life because I have a pretty heavy course load this semester with Anatomy/Physiology II, Calculus-based physics, Chemistry II (retake for better grade) and two History classes (one is US III History to 1877 and the other is Art Prehistory to Middle Ages I). I am making a schedule and working on organizing my notes for my classes. The homework I have is seven physics problems and I just have to review some things for Anatomy/Physiology and a paragraph about why art History is important. I have my first Chemistry II lecture Monday and the lab class is Tuesday. For science classes, lecture and lab are separate classes (one is just learning material and the other is hands-on experiments), but they add to an overall grade for the science course when you complete them at the end of the semester. I am thinking of getting back in touch with my college counselor who helps me understand things and talk about how things are going for me. I hope to do well this semester because the classes Iām taking will need to be transferred to a four year university. I canāt take any summer courses because if Iām admitted into Rutgers University, I have to submit my official transcripts a month after they admit me (application admission news comes April 15th) and most of the summer classes go from June 26 to August 1st which may deter my enrollment because I still have classes at Ocean County College when I should be graduating Spring semester and enrolling in the Fall 2019. Anyway, I will come back to visit Ocean County College because I will miss the friends and community here. I enjoy being on this campus and my Google Maps calls this place āHome.ā Even though, itās not my home, it makes me feel a sense of belonging. Also, the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club is having a meeting today at 1pm-2pm and I am excited to spend time with friends. Many of the classmates in my classes are quite helpful in helping ,e understand the material. I have already had physics, anatomy/physiology II lecture & lab and my two history classes and i like the professors. My Art History professor is very detailed in her explanations and helps students understand the material and know whatās important. The assignments that she gives helps students better understand the artwork they are looking at and better understand the symbolism of different art forms in our societyās culture. She makes her classes interesting, informative and the assignments are not too difficult and they allow you to gain perspective on why art is important and the many themes such as spirituality that art may express. My Art History professor says ancient societies used art to communicate expressions such as religious beliefs and how the environment affected early human survival. Many themes of cave paintings were religious pictures or pictures of how the environment helped humans get food and shelter to survive, art is a way for people to communicate before the words came about around 3,100 BCE. The history is very interesting and I am learning a lot of insightful information. My US History III professor didnāt cover any material but a general outline of what the course will entail and he has a good sense of humor that makes people who feel anxious about an assignment feel more relaxed. My US History III professor encourages students to express their creativity by debating different perspectives of historical events because it helps people see different points of view and gain insight on why they may have a specific belief, it may even lead people to question their beliefs as they gain new insight and perspective and explore new knowledge. This is why I admire my US History III professor because he encourages students to be creative in analyzing historical sources and to question the things presented to them, to explore beliefs that may challenge preconceived notions and gain more insight on how society is the way it is today and that is what he says is the true meaning of learning history, not learning boring facts and having to memorize things. He wants you to understand why societies are the way they are today and to help students develop a curiosity to question each thing they learn and that is what I like about college because the professors that have different teaching methods and teach students to think outside the box make me feel like Iām learning to be an independent thinker and building experience by questioning my knowledge and exploring new sides to problems and finding different approaches. I wish in high school, they gave students more of this thinking outside the box things and analyzing things for points of view rather than just teaching students the basic ways to solve problems like math is to practice problems until you are good at them without giving the problems much context. In college, you get to see how the problems fit into real life and explore them in context rather than just practicing problems to get better at them and just using different formulas that donāt really mean anything, college professors teach students that there are connections to everything you learn and that the concepts are just as important as practicing problems. Because if you can conceptualize a problem and understand how it works in the real world, you have a sense of how to apply your knowledge and when it comes to the math itās not just meaningless numbers and problems, you actually have a sense that you are learning something and building your mind. And college professors are good at explaining things in-depth if you donāt understand something, they can explain how a particular equation is derived unlike high school teachers who sometimes donāt know how to explain why the quadratic formula will be important, college professors can explain how you can use it to solve chemistry problems involving medication doses giving you a practical sense of knowledge. This is why i am enjoying college quite a lot more than high school. The classes may be more challenging, but Iām expanding my knowledge and becoming an independent thinker and I am glad for it.
It was raining quite heavily yesterday and then it stopped and the sun was very bright. It came up and the light illuminated my windshield while I was driving and I got a eye full of bright sunlight and it was hard to see while driving. And it was right when I was about to make a turn so I strayed a bit from my lane but not too much, but I still managed to make it safely to campus for classes that start at 5pm-7:30pm (Anatomy/Physiology II) . Iām kind of annoyed that the sun decided to choose that moment to rise and blur my view and now Iām not driving itās setting down and not as bright anymore. The good thing is that I have been driving for around an year and a half so my driving has gotten pretty good. When I first started, I had trouble figuring out how much to steer the wheel when I was backing and turning but with practice Iāve gotten better.
I think sunglasses can help with the sunās glare. The shield visor doesnāt cover much of the sunās rayās so it still shines in your eyes. Some people are bad drivers and they shine their headlights quite brightly at night. I think Iāve heard that youāre supposed to look slightly to the right if you see a car with bright headlights approaching you because the shoulder of the road is usually towards the right and itās safer than looking to the left where thereās oncoming traffic. I think thereās a rule that the left lane is for passing and the right lanes are used to make u-turns.
The thing that annoys me is when itās raining and the roads are flooded and someone passes in front of you from another lane and splashes your windshield with rainwater and you canāt see for a while and you have to step on the brakes because they just came into your lane and are only a few blocks away and youāre afraid of hitting them so you swerve to the side and sort of stray off the road and you have to reorient yourself back onto the road.
Intersections are a bit scary when you first learn to drive because you have to look multiple ways for oncoming traffic . The intersections that are regulated by many traffic lights arenāt too bad because the traffic lights regulate the onflow of traffic and you know when to go. I think those are called controlled intersections because there are a lot of traffic lights controlling each area. But at some intersections, you only have a few traffic lights on each side and you have to watch for the cars when you go because the traffic signals donāt always indicate all the turn signals and I think thatās called an uncontrolled intersection. Hope that made sense.
My college campus roads have controlled intersections where the traffic lights regulate when each lane can go such as there is a left signal for the left turns as well as a regular green light for going straight. At intersections, the turns are usually the scary ones because you have to watch for traffic thatās coming straight or turning into your lane. I think that most state highway like NJ-70 where thereās an intersection, itās uncontrolled and those that have to make turns have to look for the green signal and then drive to the middle of the intersection and wait to see if thereās any traffic before turning into a lane. This can be difficult if thereās a lot of oncoming traffic, then itās advisable that even though thereās a green signal you donāt go too far into the center of the intersection because the traffic is too dense and you wonāt be able to go into a lane and youāll annoy other people by being stuck in the middle of the intersection. This is why I like controlled intersections better because the traffic lights have more signals and you know when itās safe to be and you donāt have to rely on instinct which doesnāt always work sometimes and can leave you stranded in the middle of an uncontrolled intersection which has happened to me before. Luckily, a truck driver let me turn and I didnāt have to wait too long and make other people annoyed by being stuck in the middle.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and I appreciate having your positivity in my life. Hope you have a good Friday and relax some tension this weekend. Remember that you are a special friend and I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for spreading your inspiration to help me through the darkness.
Thank you for always bringing your encouragement to brighten my days. You are an amazing friend and I appreciate having you in my life. Thank you for your creative spirit and compassion that inspires me to be a better person.
Thank you for being such an inspirational soul in my life and for being the star that shines bright in the darkness. You are a north star, guiding me when Iāve lost my way, helping me feel itās okay.
Some people drive quite quickly and donāt take time to look out for others because they are rushing to get to work. The sunrise was beautiful this morning. The sky was a rose pink and had streaks of lavender purple and when the sun rose it was like a orb of golden light that lit up the sky with its rays and the golden sphere radiated outward in the east horizon casting its glow to start a new day. Even though life may be stressful at times, the little moments like these make me appreciate living my life and treasure each moment. I think that there was a reason why the sun decided to shine in my eyes yesterday. I think that everything happens for a reason and sometimes nature and the universe show their beauty to make people look at themselves and analyze how they are living their lives. The sun shines bright no matter the critics and what happens it rises to greet the world at the start of a new day and the sun reminds us that even in the darkest times that you can shine your light and live to rise again. Even though people may complain about the sun shining in their eyes, the sun continues to shine. And this means that you shouldnāt dim your inner light because people criticize you for being who you are. And like the sun, sometimes you may shine your light in others eyes and irritate them and thatās okay as long as you donāt do it too often because if you shine too brightly it may make people annoyed at you because you are being overly confident. But the important thing is to shine your light and be yourself even though the critics will talk and the people who care about you will notice the light and encourage you to shine brighter. You donāt always have to shine very brightly that you blind people (like the sunās glare), but just be yourself and enjoy the little things in life and appreciate the person you are because you are a beautiful soul.
The sunrise and the sunsets are beautiful things to see each day. I am most excited when thereās a meteor shower or eclipse. I often check nasa or star news just to keep up with the astronomy things that are happening and itās always fascinating. even though there may be idiotic people in life, remember that you are a special person and that life is worth living because you can grow and change into a better person each day. keep shining your light and blessings to you!
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 