Dear Anita

Since my second physics exam score wasn’t the best, I received a 12/60 on it and my physics grade currently is a 53.25. I only have four more days of physics (June 18th, June 19th, June 24th and June 25th). I hope that I can pass the physics class because I want to graduate Ocean County College and transfer to a four year university. I sent Rutgers University an email asking about whether my Spring semester grades were sent in to them and they haven’t responded and it has been a week since I sent them the email. I also called the admissions office and I didn’t get a response.  I think after my physics class is finished, I will send Rutgers University another final copy of my transcripts and hope to hear from them. I hope that I pass physics because Rowan University requires physics class and it is my second choice. I know that if I don’t pass physics, then Rutgers University and Rowan University may not accept me. Stockton University has accepted me and I want to enroll in classes there (if I don’t hear from Rutgers or Rowan, I will go to Stockton) for the Fall 2019 semester. However, if I don’t pass physics, I have to retake it at Ocean County College in the fall 2019 and move my enrollment to Spring 2020. I am worried that I won’t be able to get into any of the colleges or that Stockton will reconsider admitting me and rescind my application and I won’t have a college to transfer to if I don’t pass physics. I am only 7 points away from passing the class, the lowest passing grade is a 60 but for the credits to transfer students need at least a 70 or higher. I think that if I get a 90 on my final, I may be able to get a 70 in the class. I know that I have missed three assignments and I hope they don’t impact my grade a lot. Currently I feel strained and like I’m stuck and I find myself hating myself at times because I feel like I’m failing at my life’s goals and that’s what scares me. I don’t want to fall behind in life and at the end of life feel like I didn’t achieve what I wanted to. What scares me most is not achieving the goals in life that I want especially transitioning to male, establishing a strong spiritual path and growth and becoming a genetic engineer. I worry sometimes that my life will be endless striving and I don’t want that. I want to feel like I’m alive in life, living in the moment feeling happy with myself. Currently I have dysphoria from my gender identity and also feeling worried about my career path because it seems to depend so much on this physics class. I decided to take a break from classes today because yesterday I was tired, irritated and I cried so I told my professor that I am taking today and tomorrow off because my mind needs a break. I am thinking of meditating and taking a walk out in nature to help relax. I feel bad for missing three assignments and doing badly on the exams, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough for the class. I do wish the teacher reviewed more before the exams and gave more explanations for the problems. Covering three chapters of material in three days is quite straining. I have a friend who is helping tutor me and it is helpful, but he doesn’t explain things much and goes quite fast. He makes the topic more simpler though and will explain it again if you need help, so he helps a bit. The tutors at my college are the most helpful, but there is only one physics tutor and I feel bad for always pestering him because he can be busy at times. Looking for advice, thank you for your encouragement Anita. Hope you have a good week ahead!

Dear Anita

I think I will review the content that I missed on exam 1 over the weekend and see how far I get and if it is sufficient enough I may attempt “Mulligans” with  the professor on Monday. The professor is a bit intimidating though and sometimes when I feel anxious and seem to drift off in class he will tap his marker (the one he uses to write on the board) on the table and it makes me jump inside a bit. He doesn’t really say much when explaining things to students and gives brief explanations which is why when I don’t understand a subject I will go to the tutors first so I can get a grasp on it before asking him a question because his explanations are short and simple so a student needs to understand most of it before asking him a question about something they don’t understand. He is a bit more laid-back in his office when not teaching, but I’ve only been in his office with a classmate to ask about homework because I still feel jumpy about going to his office and working on things one-on-one with him. I think that if I struggle with something that may seem obvious, he will think that physics may be too difficult for me and I don’t have the mindset for it. He has a specific way of teaching and is very serious about teaching the subject. Most of the class time is spent understanding how to manipulate equations for a problem rather than explaining how to approach different problems. He does show the instructions on how to approach a problem, but doesn’t explain them fully and goes into many practice problems which are mostly manipulating equations and drawing diagrams. I wish he explained things better such as explained problem solving strategies and hit the key points that could help students solve problems rather than just jumping to problems and drawing diagrams and manipulating equations. He will show us how the equations are manipulated and how to go from one equation to another and how to draw a diagram representing what the problem depicts and then he will start writing notes and solving the problem quite quickly giving brief explanations for the parts and then move on to the next problem without explaining much about how some things were known or how a person would get that from the problem. He also makes students question themselves by asking questions that make them think and don’t lead to a straightforward answer. This can be good because it helps people develop critical thinking, but it also makes students doubt themselves and wonder if they are right. For example, if a student responds to a question he poses with an answer he will question that student and ask questions and see if the student changes their answers and sometimes they do. Oftentimes the student picks an answer that makes sense and after some questioning from the professor, they doubt themselves and change the answer and it makes the person seem like the approaches that they considered for the problem may not be correct. Sometimes the student’s answer is wrong and the  professor wants the student to think their way to the answer, other times the student is right and the professor wants them to back up their answer. He never really has a straightforward way to help students know if they are correct and that can be difficult when students are solving problems and he has a specific way of teaching the problems that doesn’t explain how each thing correlates to each other so a student can understand how to approach other problems but just explains things in a simplest way. I think that the professor is smart but his teaching style is a bit difficult. He says it takes 7-72 hours to work on physics and truly understand it but since there is not much time in a semester he has to cover the material at a faster rate. I am thinking that if I don’t feel comfortable doing “Mulligans” to see how it will affect my grade. There’s a chance that I could work on doing better on the other two exams. I am hoping for a C or higher in the class so it can transfer.

Dear Anita

That was a friendship blessing to you because you are a special person who brightens my life just by being who you are, may your heart shine bright like a star. When the days seem dark and dreary, remember that spark in your heart even when things are scary. May the light fall upon your path and sorrows fall away to help you in all your days. I am grateful to have a friend like you who encourages me to keep going each day, thank you for spreading your positivity my way.

Currently I am working on my summer physics course because I need it to graduate Ocean County College and transfer. The professor goes quite quickly and sometimes I feel like I’m missing notes as I am working on keeping up with the material he writes on the board because he doesn’t give much time before he moves on to another idea. The diagrams and the work for each problem cover a whole board and as I am working on writing it all down, he is moving on to another topic. He has started writing bigger because other students have had trouble seeing the small symbols and subscripts/superscripts and that helps. The class is Mondays through Wednesdays from 11:45am-2:15pm which is a long time and sometimes I feel myself feeling tired and strained from thinking so long and I feel like I missed some notes. Sometimes I feel inadequate because other people may understand a topic and I will struggle with it. The tutors at Ocean County College are helpful in helping me with the homework problems and the classmates help me understand the labs. However, the exams are the things pulling down my grade because it takes a lot of practice to fully understand how to approach a problem and I sometimes struggle with the practice problems. My first exam grade was a 25/60 which makes my overall grade currently a 59 which is not good. The exams have four questions and students pick three for the professor to grade. After the exam, the professor offers “Mulligans” where the students can work on a problem that they got wrong to regain half the points they missed  as well as the problem that they didn’t pick on the exam for three points on the board in his office while he watches. The “Mulligans” add points to your exam score, but students need to understand how to explain the problem to the professor to get the points back and I am not sure if I know enough to explain things and having the professor watch me solve the problem gives me a bit of anxiety. The deadline for “Mulligans” for the exam that I recently took is Tuesday June 11th. I know that if I do “Mulligans” I may be more likely to pass the class because I will be able to get points back on my exam that I missed. However most of the problems that I missed, I still struggle with and I am not sure if I can explain things well enough to get the points back and I don’t want the professor to think that I am not smart enough for physics or something of that nature. My homework and lab grades are good, but the main thing is my exam grades. I am thinking of trying to work on the exam over the weekend and seeing how far I can go and asking the professor if I can do “Mulligans” for the exam on Monday.  Since “Mulligans” are optional, I am also considering the option of studying better for my other two upcoming exams and working on my homework and lab grades and thinking of not doing “Mulligans” for this exam but I don’t like the calculations for my grade if I don’t do “Mulligans” for this exam so I’m feeling a bit stuck.

I know that Rutgers University and Rowan University require physics class to transfer so I hope I do well. Rowan University is awaiting my physics class to be completed before they make an admissions decision. The physics course will be completed June 25th. I recently sent my Spring semester grades to Rutgers University and it’s been a week and the portal still says that they don’t have them so I sent them an email and if they don’t receive them by Monday I think I will call Rutgers Admissions because I know I sent them. I already sent my Spring semester grades to Rowan University and they are just awaiting my physics class to be finished and the grades whereas Rutgers University says they will base their admissions decisions on my Spring semester grades. I know I’ve already been accepted into Stockton University so if I don’t hear from Rutgers University or Rowan University by mid July I have to register for classes at Stockton University because the deadline to register for classes is August 1st . There’s the chance that Rutgers will likely notify me around August into September, but I don’t think I can wait that long or else I will end up forfeiting my admission to Stockton University. I hope that Rutgers University will notify me earlier than that date because that university is my main choice for my career path. Rowan University will likely notify me around July and it’s possible that I might have time to consider Rowan University, but if it comes to mid July and I don’t have a response I think I will register for classes at Stockton University so at least I’ll have a four year university to transfer to.

Hope to hear from you and thank you Anita for your advice!

Dear Anita

So my finals went well. I received a 100 on my Art History and US History III final on May 9th. For my Chemistry II final on May 15th I received a 85. I am sad that I received a 65 on my Chemistry II lab exam, but it was difficult. I am glad my overall Chemistry II grade (class plus the lab) is a B. The Spring semester ended May 15th and I am working on my summer physics course that runs from 5/20- 6/25. Physics is quite difficult and it is hard to start the problems by yourself so I often work with the tutors at Ocean County College and my classmates which helps a lot. Most of the physics problems require many steps and rearrangements of different equations and sometimes it can be hard to figure out which equations to use or how to manipulate the equations to get to what you want to solve for. My classmates and the tutors are great and we form study groups to help each other and also encourage each other when we feel stressed. During my physics class, I will feel anxious sometimes and feel like I’m losing myself because the professor goes quite fast and doesn’t give much time for students to process the material. The professor covers a chapter each day which is why I am working with my classmates and the tutors to keep on track of things. It can be difficult to see the board when the professor writes small, writes subscripts/superscripts, symbols, and in the colors red or green. I mostly re-outline my notes after class using the PowerPoint slides and the book and work on teaching myself the notes I may have missed in class because I do miss some notes or write an equation wrong because the professor goes fast and it can be difficult to see what he’s writing sometimes. But I am keeping hope and hoping I do well in the class. Currently each homework assignment with practice problems is a struggle so I have to work on it with other people. Sometimes I feel like I am not as smart as others because there are concepts people understand that I don’t and it takes me longer to do some problems than other people so that makes me anxious sometimes. The colleges (Stockton  University, Rowan University and Rowan University) I’ve applied to require physics class to transfer so I have to take the class to get into the genetic engineering program. I have been meditating and practicing mindfulness of being grateful for the things out in nature to reduce my stress and it helps. But the stress is still there and it is sometimes quite straining so I have to take a break and rest to recharge myself. My biggest fear is not living my life meaningfully before passing away. I want to appreciate each day and the beautiful nature that surrounds me and live each moment going for my dreams. The idea of living a life unfulfilled scares me because I don’t want to be at the end of my life and have regrets of not achieving what I set myself to do. This causes me to have an ambitious drive to keep going for my goals every day in my life because I want to achieve all that I am capable of before passing away. I want to feel truly alive and feel like I lived each moment to the fullest. Not every day will be good and that’s okay. But I just want to live in appreciation of the nature around me, the goals of being a scientist and being a Buddhist wiccan and be spiritually aware of myself. I want to make sure that I live a life of purpose and that I make a difference in the world and help the ones I love realize how special they are to me. I want to feel like I’m not just going through the motions in the world, and looking at things beneath the surface truly feeling like I’m living. And I want to let my friends know how much they mean to me and how they keep me going through the tough times. Thank you for being the special souls you are and for encouraging me as I am working on building myself. I am still working on different parts of myself that still need improvement, but friends like you all help me feel better about myself. I am grateful to have all your support as I work on understanding myself and healing in my life. Hope you all live the best lives you all possibly can and thank you for spreading your positivity into mine.

Here is a poem:

The Light of Friendship

Friends like you bring light into my life

Reminding me that I can be strong in times of strife

Thank you for being the candle that helps illuminate my way

When the sadness comes into my days, friends make me feel like things will be okay

Wherever I go, I hope there will be friends in tow

Thank you for spreading your positivity to help me through the negativity

When I feel lost, friends help encourage me and give me clarity

Blessings to all my friends for making my life beautiful, I am grateful to have beautiful souls that make me smile each day

Good luck and abundance come your way and may our friendship be here to stay

Friendship hug to you during the hard times when you feel like you’re falling apart, thank you special friend dear in my heart

Life without you isn’t the same because you’ve helped me grow into a better person and help establish my creativity

So I hope that each day the burdens are lighter and so your heart feels lighter and more free

Thank you special soul, so dear to me

Dear Anita

Spring break (March 19th-22nd) was a good time to catch up on assignments. I finished applications to Rutgers University, Rowan University and Stockton University. Hoping for the best for those colleges that I applied to. Rutgers University and Rowan University are still awaiting my Spring semester classes grades which I will send to them after the Spring semester is done (May 15th). I will be graduating in the summer after my Physics course which will start May 20th to June 26th. I am excited to graduate from Ocean County College and look forward to hearing the admissions decisions for the colleges I’ve applied to. I am interested in Rutgers University because it has the genetic engineering program I am interested in and I admire the cancer research institute that’s nearby the campus. In addition, Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ is near Highland Park an area that is LGBTQ friendly. Rowan University also has the degree program I am interested in, but the research institutes nearby the campus are not as diverse as Rutgers University. As for Stockton University, I like the campus nature landscape and the trails that have trees and a lake nearby. Also, Stockton University is very LGBTQ friendly. They have a transgender community at Stockton University and I’ve met some people there because I was there once for an LGBTQ community event. I hope that my high school transcripts will arrive at Stockton University and Rowan University soon because I have ordered them and it takes around two weeks for the colleges to receive them. So after April 11th, if the colleges haven’t received the high school transcripts, then I may have to resend them. The admissions decisions for all three colleges is April 15th, but some colleges that are awaiting my Ocean County College Spring semester grades and high school transcripts are still thinking about the admissions decisions. In the meantime, I am working on my school assignments for the Spring semester. My Art History class has book questions due each week which I always submit on time. My US History III class has two more quizzes this month, an essay and a final exam which I am preparing for. I have a good outline for my Art History class assignment essay that is due April 25th and the presentation that is due May 14th. My Anatomy/Physiology II class will have an exam this Thursday April 11th so I will be studying for it, but I feel confident that I will do well in that class as well. I want to work on a schedule so I can plan my Chemistry II assignments so I don’t fall behind because although I have been doing well on the exams, I haven’t been doing well on the assignments so I am working on improving my scores. The science classes have lab components that are separate courses that help with the lecture. I am doing well in both Anatomy/Physiology II lab and lecture. For Chemistry II, the lecture is going well, but I need to work on doing better on my assignments. As for Chemistry II lab, the professor is tough grader and even if my answers make sense she still grades them harshly if they are wrong. The Chemistry II lab professor takes points off if one of your trials in the lab went wrong (even if she sees what happened like the lab equipment failed) and she’ll only give students half credit for their lab report. I like how my Chemistry II lab professor explains things and makes the concepts easier to understand, but I wish she wouldn’t grade so harshly because I currently have a 65 in lab right now. I am still passing the lab class because students need a 60 or higher to pass courses, but I want to have a better grade. My Chemistry II lecture grade is an 85 though. So my average grade for Chemistry II (lecture plus lab) is a C. Hopefully I’ll be able to work on building up my lab grade.

My Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends at Ocean County College are amazing and they help me when I feel stressed. They linked me to Ocean Crest mental health services that has resources to help me with my anxiety and gender dysphoria. It is helpful talking with friends and the people of Ocean Crest because the more I talk about my feelings the more I understand myself and feel better about myself. I hope that the colleges that I applied to for transferring will have good news for admissions decisions and I will be able to live on campus away from my parents. I am hoping to find internships at the four year universities so I can start saving money and working on getting therapy and medically transitioning. Since I am under 26 (still 20 years old), I am under my parents’ insurance and they don’t accept my gender identity so I will have to save money to buy my own insurance or have enough to pay out-of-pocket. My friends from Ocean Pride LGBTQ are helpful at giving me resources where I can work on the transitioning process which is exciting but it’s still difficult because I still live in my parents’ home and am using their insurance so when the resources that they help me find ask me for insurance, I often feel conflicted because I don’t want to go through my parents insurance but I know that it’s expensive to pay out-of-pocket. I know that Stockton University is quite close to the Mazzoni Center in Pennsylvania and the Mazzoni Center specializes in transgender people. They also operate on a sliding scale where if you don’t have insurance, they can see your situation and your income and determine the best way for you to still get therapy, but for hormones you would have to pay out-of-pocket but the cost wouldn’t be an expensive amount of money. I am hoping to visit the Mazzoni Center soon and see what options I have. Meanwhile my Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends have linked me up with Ocean Crest in Toms River, NJ near my my community college. Ocean Crest members have therapists that help guide you and it’s helpful but they don’t have a sliding scale and although they are LGBTQ friendly, they don’t know a lot about transgender people as the Mazzoni Center does. But I still find it helpful to have a resource closer to help me just to talk about my feelings when I feel overwhelmed at times. The counselors at Ocean County College are helpful as well and they also provide me with support and the drop-in services are helpful because when I feel stressed I can stop by and talk. The counselors also started a Mindfulness Meditation program that runs on Thursdays in the library that I enjoy going to because it helps me de-stress. Although I am quite busy with classes, working on graduating from Ocean County College and transfering as well as thinking about the transitioning process I feel quite hopeful and think I am making progress. I still have moments when I feel distressed and distant from myself like I feel like I’m hitting roadblocks and my dysphoria makes me feel depressed but I am grateful to have friends who help me understand myself. My friends help me find myself again and work on picking up the pieces of myself and help me feel more whole. I think I have become a better person and am growing more confident about myself since I started community college. Now I am in my last semester of Ocean County College and I realize that I have more of a sense of self than when first started. I am grateful to have friends like you who helped me along the way. Thank you for being who you are and for being the stars that shine giving me light in the darkness and reminding me and there’s still hope. It is friends like you who helped me become the person I am today and keep me striving for the person I want to be. Wish you all the best in the week ahead Anita!

Have a great weekend Anita and blessings in the week ahead. Take time to appreciate the special person you are.Don’t compare yourself to others because you are your own unique soul. The world is filled with the beauty of each individual’s diversity. Remember that you are a special soul and have power to go for your goals. Don’t worry about fitting into expectations because you are worth more than a stereotype. You are a beautiful person who can paint the rainbow of your soul’s colors on the canvas of the world. No one lives your life and it’s you who creates the map with the routes toward your goals. Appreciate the special person you are and remember that each of us is a little universe. We are all made of energy and matter and can change from one form to another so keep changing and improving. You are not like other people, but a special soul of light. So take care of your inner flame and shine bright. Let your light be brighter than the darkness of the ignorance in the world because you are a special star and I am grateful for who you are. May life bring you all the good things and may your beauty radiate through the darkest nights. Thank you for being the candle to light my way when I feel lost.