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  • February 27, 2020 at 7:26 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #340280
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The Genetics class often has quizzes and exams on similar days of the Organic Chemistry class. I am mostly struggling with the genetics lab class because I wish the professor explained things slower and that the classmates could help but they seem to be working independently and don’t really take time to explain things fully. My anxiety doesn’t really help things as well because even though I will be able to understand some parts of the experiments, sometimes I will shake during lab and then ask for help because I am having trouble. Most of the time I will try to work things out by myself and only ask when I really feel like I need to. However when I ask my lab classmates they sometimes get irritated with me because they don’t understand why I don’t understand the material when they do at times or why I’ll shake at times and that makes me more anxious. I did tell my professor that I was struggling and he did work on helping me with questions, but he explained them really briefly and quickly and I still felt confused. I decided to withdraw from genetics  because I was struggling a lot. Withdrawing from that class means that I only have Organic Chemistry now which is Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays along with a lab class on Tuesdays. The professor for Organic Chemistry is better at explaining things and gives students time to think and copy down the notes, and she will go over the material at a slower pace spreading out the topics evenly over a week which I find helpful. The Organic Chemistry lab class takes a lot of time to understand the experiments and also keep the lab notebook and I feel like I’m not doing well in lab because I’ve been missing lab reports and three lab classes because of my anxieties. I’m at the point where I want to drop out of Organic Chemistry as well because I’m really stressed about the lab grade that I have even though the lecture grade is good. The good thing about Organic Chemistry is that the students in both lab and lecture are helpful and the classmates help each other out and the professor is good at helping me work on catching up. I want to continue using the counseling services at Stockton and their mental health workshops, but I think that I have to be currently enrolled in classes in order to have access to counseling so I am trying to stay in Organic Chemistry. After withdrawing from my genetics class, I now have my classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays start from 12:45pm-2pm. I don’t have three back to back classes on Wednesdays like I used to when I was taking genetics because before I had three classes on Wednesdays and I got home late from school because my genetics lab ended at 5pm and I would drive two hours and be home at 7pm. Now that I have withdrawn from genetics I have a looser schedule with the only late class on Tuesday which is Organic Chemistry lab 2:25pm-5:05pm. I just feel really strained and not sure what to do lately.

    February 21, 2020 at 9:30 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #339408
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    The counselors at Stockton have been helping me cope with my stresses and I have appointments with them every two weeks, my next appointment is February 25th. I have decided to go part-time by dropping the meditation class so that I can focus on my two science classes- Genetics and Organic Chemistry. The meditation class was on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:30am-10:20am and since I have to drive an hour and a half to get to Stockton campus I had to wake at 5:45am to prepare and left at 6:30am and would arrive on campus at 7:45am where it would take a few minutes to go to class and prepare. Since I had to get up early I found myself quite tired throughout the week so I decided to withdraw from the meditation class. Since I had three classes on Wednesdays and got home late, I found it tiring to have a class so early the next morning. So withdrawing from the meditation class made me be able to sleep more and I could rest on Thursdays after having the most of my classes on Wednesdays. I also could spend time on Tuesdays before my Organic Chemistry lab class started at 2:25pm to study and prepare for lab and just focus on that rather than having to go to a meditation class early in the morning. I am thinking of establishing a meditation routine of my own to help deal with the anxiety I’ve been feeling lately and the class helped set a background and even though I withdrew from it, I still learned some useful tips. I am also part of Student Success Services and have a mentor who helps me plan ways to dedicate my time and study effectively and it’s helpful. My gender dysphoria has been getting more intense lately and it’s difficult to focus on things and I find myself always feeling anxious about myself. I feel shaky, my throat hurts and my heart races most of the time and I am always wondering if I look masculine enough and whether people will say anything to me that might make me feel dysphoric and it’s been quite straining lately that sometimes I feel like I want to just fall asleep and not wake up since I’m anxious a lot. Since my parents are paying for my college tuition, they will yell at me when I feel stressed because they are disappointed at me and think I’m not regulating my emotions well enough or that I have nothing to be stressed about and they say that maybe I’m just not smart enough to pursue science and that gives me more stress. Sometimes when I cry, my parents will yell at me and say that I don’t need to cry and that crying is a waste of time even though I find that after crying I feel better because not crying and hiding the feelings inside sometimes makes me feel detached from myself and I can feel the emotions pricking me like thorns and then I become detached and feel like I’m not living. I have found myself crying a lot lately because the anxiety is quite intense and I always feel like I’m unsafe like there is someone who will hurt or criticize me because I try to be myself. Sometimes I worry that I am not good enough when I get lost in gender dysphoria because others seem to be able to focus on their studies. I do tend to understand some things that the professor says in Genetics and Organic Chemistry but sometimes  I find myself fighting to keep my anxiety from bubbling up because little things like not understanding a problem fully will trigger it. I wish my professor went slower in class for genetics because I find that I have just started to work out the problem for fifteen minutes and he will go over it quite quickly and then move on. My Organic Chemistry professor explains things quite thoroughly and saves time to help students understand things, she also gives students time to think about the problems and will take time to explain in more detail if students don’t understand. My genetics professor if you ask him a question he answers it briefly and then moves on and sometimes I feel like I haven’t fully grasped the concepts yet and when I ask him again in a different way, he will re-explain it more briefly than before and will crack a joke saying why the student didn’t fully understand before and ask if they were fully paying attention which is why I sometimes feel intimidated to ask questions to my genetics professor because it makes me feel more anxious when he explains it briefly and expects students to understand it after a while. I am grateful that my Organic Chemistry professor goes slower and gives students problems to try and explains how things relate to each other much better. The genetics lab fruit fly lab report is due on March 6th and I am still working on understanding the fruit fly data because the professor didn’t really explain much about data interpretation, he just gave example problems of fruit flies and said that students could include relevant data and only gave a rubric for the lab report without really explaining much. My organic Chemistry lab professor explains the lab experiments quite clearly and also helps students understand what tools they need to use. He helps students understand how to analyze the data and gives them good advice on how to work on the lab report and since he explains things quite well I find that I understand Organic Chemistry lab much better. Currently though because of intense gender dysphoria, I have been missing some Organic Chemistry lab assignments (four lab reports because I have been struggling with focusing). Likewise my parents have been having loud discussions when I try to study and work at home about financial things or the car that I have which needs a few repairs and I find it distracting. I find that I set a time to work on my lab report for Organic Chemistry because there is a lab report due for each lab experiment and my parents will move things around (sometimes they are my stuff that I placed there because I decided that would be a good place to put it so I can find it when I need it but they move it around and it causes me stress) or my parents will be talking with their family members on the phone and the conversations are a bit loud and distracting or I have to use the computer and I planned my schedule to work on the assignments at this time and my parents are fixing something and the noise distteacts me or they are trying to rearrange things that I specifically placed in a way that works for me in another way and I find it irritating. This is why I tend to do most of my studying on campus in the library where it is quiet and I won’t be disturbed but there are some assignments I need to bring home as well. I find that when I am preparing for a presentation and will read the material aloud to prepare for it, that it helps me work on it but there aren’t many places where I can work on practicing a presentation where I won’t be disturbed. I was thinking of perhaps printing out the presentation slides and going to my bedroom and doing it that way. If you have any advice on places to prepare for a presentation without getting distracted or ways to work on presenting I am looking forward to hearing them. Lately I feel like the gender dysphoria is quite intense and I sometimes feel like it would be better to withdraw from my classes and retake them in the fall 2020 semester but I like learning about science and being on campus gives me access to resources like the counselors. I do feel like I am strained but I think that if I withdraw from my classes, then I won’t have counseling because counseling is only available to enrolled lstudents. Although I withdrew from meditation class and am part-time taking Genetics and Organic Chemistry still takes lots of work. I enjoy science because I like to analyze and understand the world around me and the nature around the campus is relaxing. Part of me wants to withdraw from all my classes and take a break, part of me wants to enjoy learning and having access to the mental health resources provided to students so I’m hoping for advice. So far, I have taken two quizzes in Organic Chemistry and received a 71 and a 76 on them. I received a 67.75 on my Genetics exam which isn’t great. The semester has been a rough start and the car that I drive to campus with often needs tune-ups and repairs so that takes some time. I have a Organic Chemistry lab 5 Prelab due Tuesday, Ch. 7 questions for Genetics due Sunday, Organic Chemistry exam February 27th and a fruit fly lab report due March 4th. I hope that I can make it through the semester if I decide to stay since I will have access to mental health resources even though part of me wants to withdraw. I’m not sure how my Organic Chemistry lab will turn out because I’ve already missed four lab assignments but there are still five to go. Thank you for being here and listening, blessings to you Anita.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Janus.
    February 8, 2020 at 9:04 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #337220
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your encouragement. I have been working on building a schedule to keep track of my assignments. My meditation class professor extended the research summary that was originally due February 6th to February 8th and I managed to find a study on how heartfulness meditation (focusing on the heart’s space and cultivating loving-kindness for each situation that arises) helps healthcare workers reduce their stress levels and I found the clinical study interesting and inspirational. I finished the research summary for my meditation class on that clinical study for heartfulness meditation for healthcare workers and I decided to look into heartfulness/loving-kindness meditation techniques for my own practices. I liked the heartfulness meditation techniques that I found because most of them are about focusing on your heartbeat and feeling the warmth of your heart’s light radiating compassion and loving-kindness with each heartbeat. Since my chest gives me dysphoria, I find that focusing my attention on my heart’s space and just embracing the feelings that I have and being aware of my heartbeat helps me de-stress. Whenever the thoughts wander, I say “Thinking” and return my awareness to my heart. When I feel my heart race with anxiety, I allow myself to feel the emotions in my heart and not judge them. The heartfulness meditations say to focus on the emotions and embrace them rather than fighting them because fighting them often stresses us more, but embracing them, the emotions seem to weaken because we start to acknowledge them and see them for what they are. By allowing the emotions to flow and not judge or fight them but just remain focused on the heart’s space and spreading loving-kindness helps me feel better and realize that things are okay. I am currently working on the heartfulness meditation and am thinking of using it as the meditation presentation that I will be presenting for my meditation class on February 27th. People can be their own worst critics and sometimes I feel like I’m consistently fighting myself because I want to look masculine but it’s quite straining trying so hard. So heartfulness meditation practice is helping me realize that who I am is much more than the dysphoria but that I am the love in my heart and by focusing on the love in my heart with each heartbeat, I say to myself “I am every bit masculine enough and my heart is filled with loving-kindness for myself because I am okay. Who I  am is enough and with each heartbeat I am letting go of things that don’t resonate with my heart. I am expressing myself with love and things will be okay.” I took a day off from Organic Chemistry lab on February 4th because I was feeling quite stressed and I had to take my car to the car repair shop. So the car repair shop said my car likely has a catalytic converter problem but it’s safe to drive, but since my car is getting older I am working on getting a new one just in case the older one isn’t easy to fix or ages out. My genetics lab class goes quite fast with the professor explaining things quite quickly and the classmates only help a little. Sometimes we do three experimental exercises in one lab session and the teacher goes through the instructions quite quickly. I do wish that he would go slower and that the classmates would explain things more when I ask them questions but both the teacher and classmates only explain things briefly and I often have to figure things out on my own. The Organic Chemistry lab professor is very thorough with explaining lab experiments and I went to his office after missing a lab class on February 4th and he was very helpful in helping me get more caught up. I am working on the Prelab for experiment 3 due this Tuesday February 11th. Since I missed lab experiment 2 class, I wrote an excuse note and I uploaded it online to where lab 2 assignments would be posted. Since I was struggling with gender dysphoria and car, I didn’t have time to complete lab report one for February 4th. So I am missing one assignment for Organic Chemistry lab, but that’s okay. I am hoping that since there are still more days in the semester that my grade will improve. In addition, missing only two lab assignments puts me at a B+ because my quiz grades for lab have been good. I am going to work out a schedule where I organize time to dedicate to each of my class assignments so that I can keep track of them and also work on managing time in case of stressful situations that come up I will still be able to get things done without missing more assignments. My genetics lab class has a lab report due march 5th and I am working on the draft of it. My lab partner and I counted fruit flies and did a mating with them to see what offspring would result. I do wish that my lab professor in my genetics lab class explained things better and slower. I have asked for a note-taker to help take notes for me in genetics lecture so that I have more complete notes to study from since I have the same professor for lecture and lab and he goes fast. The note-taker will take notes in genetics and send them to me via email so I have them as reference. it would be helpful if the note-taker could help take notes in genetics lab as well but since lab experiments are individually done there usually aren’t note-takers to take notes in lab so students have to take notes about lab experiments themselves. I hope that my genetics class goes okay this semester because lab is a bit stressful but there is only one lab report that has a relatively simple format but working on understanding the data from genetics lab experiments to writing the fruit fly lab report is a bit stressful because I am not sure if I fully understand the data I collected and since I worked with a lab partner I am not sure if each of our notes seems to fit together because both of us will be submitting individual reports but the reports will have both our names on them. For Organic Chemistry lab, there is a lab report due after each experiment and the format for the lab reports are more complex but they aren’t too difficult to follow, Organic Chemistry labs usually have more steps compared to genetics labs. the professor and the classmates are very helpful for Organic Chemistry lab experiments and I find that I can work on them quite well. My Organic Chemistry lecture professor is good at explaining things as well but sometimes I feel like she explains certain topics in a less clearer way like she will take time to explain something that isn’t too complex in more detail and it helps give the students more perspective on how the Organic Chemistry problem may be applied in the real world but when it comes to the shapes of molecular orbitals and electron densities that help determine how atoms bond that is more complex she doesn’t give much detail about that and sometimes I feel confused. But the good thing is that she tells us where to find practice in the Organic Chemistry textbook to build our knowledge and she takes problems from the book to help explain the more challenging concepts which is helpful. Since she knows that some people may be Strugling in Organic Chemistry she offers extra credit which helps boost grades. So far in the week ahead, I have a genetics exam monday February 17th, a meditation class exam February 14th,  genetics lab introduction and methods write up for the fruit fly experiment describing what we did in the lab, and Organic Chemistry prelab due February 11th. I just finished my genetics ch. 3-5 homework today. I finished my meditation research summary yesterday (it was due today) and I wrote the outline for my meditation presentation yesterday (due February 27th). I also posted a response to the research summary that the other students wrote saying which meditation research study was the most interesting ( had to do two one response today, first response was yesterday and it’s due Monday February 10th)

    Wishing you well in the week ahead!

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Janus.
    February 3, 2020 at 6:20 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #336514
    Janus
    Participant

    I will be talking to the counselors at Stockton tomorrow at 11am and they will likely help with the stress as well. I am currently feeling lots of stress on myself and I feel more like a human doing fighting my dysphoria rather than a human being and I want to be more mindful of my surroundings and not lose my self in anxiety. Sometimes I feel so tired of consistently trying to fight myself on days when the anxiety seems to be very intense and I just wish I could let go. I want to feel like I’m living again and not feel so overwhelmed in myself and feel like I’m constantly trying to make things better and fighting myself is straining.

    February 3, 2020 at 6:13 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #336512
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I spent the weekend outlining my notes for chapters 2&3 and reviewing chapter 1 for the genetics quiz today and I got a 6/10 which isn’t the best grade but there is still time in the semester to improve. For my Organic Chemistry quiz that I took on Friday January 31st, I received a 71 on it which is slightly better than the genetics quiz. I will likely start the research summary for my meditation class tomorrow since it’s due Thursday February 6th. My Organic Chemistry professor just assigned another assignment that is due on Wednesday February 5th and I have an online quiz for Organic Chemistry lecture class due Friday February 7th. I am feeling quite overwhelmed with the school work currently. Tomorrow is lab experiment two for Organic Chemistry lab and I haven’t done the Prelab for the experiment or written the lab report for experiment 1 that is due tomorrow yet because I am just too tired and feeling lightheaded from only getting five hours of sleep last night. I emailed my Organic Chemistry lab professor saying that I think that I will miss lab class tomorrow because I am under lot of pressure and hoping for an extension on the assignments, but he said that just talking with the counselors on campus about anxiety is not a valid excuse for a lab absence and points will be taken off from my lab grade if I miss lab tomorrow. In addition to the school stress, my car has problems with the acceleration and has been slow to accelerate at times so I’m getting it fixed. I did manage to finish the reading on the brain in meditation for my morning meditation class tomorrow and I finished one online quiz for Organic Chemistry lab. I also finished my lab notes for genetics lab and also completed an online quiz for genetics lab. I am trying to work my assignments but I feel quite strained and am thinking that I need to take a break from Organic Chemistry lab tomorrow. Missing two lab assignments (lab 1 and 2) and one quiz may affect my grade, but it’s still early in the semester so I’m hoping that I can pick up my grades. I would like to attend the Organic Chemistry lab tomorrow and complete experiment two and submit the assignments but I am just feeling too overwhelmed. My body is shaking from the tiredness that I feel and the anxiety is making it difficult to focus. Hoping for some advice, thank you!

    February 2, 2020 at 9:10 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #336370
    Janus
    Participant

    Sometimes when I am working on lots of assignments I find myself enjoying working on things because my mind likes to learn genetics and molecules in Organic Chemistry and I become absorbed in the moment of learning. I am working on becoming more mindful of the things around me and thinking of practicing mindfulness meditation that will help me be present in the moment. I want to be aware of the things that I am doing and truly be present rather than going through the motions. Sometimes when I am focused on school work I will forget about the present moment and be occupied with school work and I am so concentrated on that that sometimes I am not being present in my surroundings even though I will notice small details in the surroundings if something changes. So I am working on developing a mindfulness meditation practice to be aware of the present moment and just be without having to get so caught up in my thoughts. I want to appreciate the world around me and be aware of the things I am doing. There is a quote that I like “We are human beings not human doings” and I feel that it resonates with me because I don’t want to be just doing the motions of daily life and just planning for the next thing (it’s good to plan but sometimes planning too much can cause a person to lose touch with the present moment), so I want to actually work on the human being that I am and build myself up spiritually rather than just being a human doing.

    February 2, 2020 at 8:59 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #336368
    Janus
    Participant

    My genetics and Organic Chemistry classmates are very helpful and they help me understand the material. The professors are good at explaining things as well. Genetics lecture and lab as well as Organic Chemistry lecture and lab both have classmates helping each other even though the work is independently submitted helping each other in class has helped me build connections with my classmates and since my professors are good at explaining things I find that I have an easier time grasping the material. There is a lot of assignments since I am full-time this semester and have classes each day and an hour and thirty minute drive to and from campus but I think I’m doing okay. There are times when I will feel quite tired after the work and just need a break though. I think that I’m starting to pay more attention to my body’s health and if it’s tired or restless I will take a break and resume the work later and meditation has helped me focus better and sometimes when I feel doubts I will use mantras like “I’ll be okay, I can work through it.”

    February 2, 2020 at 8:51 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #336364
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The spring semester is quite busy for me with many assignments but I think I’m managing. I had my first quiz in Organic Chemistry lecture class on Friday January 31st and I hope that I did well on it, think that I may have gotten at least a 75. I have a quiz in Genetics tomorrow and I am hoping that it goes well. My meditation class is helpful in helping me destress from my school work. Some meditation techniques I’ve learned are breathing meditation which is focusing on deep breaths and counting to ten as well as body scan which consists of thinking of drawing down the energy of the universe through the head and into the heart and allowing the heart to fill with positive energy that helps heal the whole body, the teacher uses mantras like “I am energy and my emotions flow easily through my body, all tension releases and I am healing.” A third meditation technique that I have learned is the muscle relaxation meditation where a person tenses all their muscles and then lets them go and the mantra is “I am releasing the tension in my body, my muscles relax and my mind is at peace. I am healing my body and mind, tension fades and my mind and body are one with the energy of the universe.” These meditations have been very helpful for me in destressing and maintaining a positive attitude when I feel stressed about my classes. My first Organic Chemistry lab experiment was January 28th and since I took lots of notes in my lab notebook the experiment went well. My lab classmates were helpful and provided advice as well and the professor thoroughly explained the lab experiment. I have a mentor from Student Success Services program at Stockton and since I am part of student Success services the mentor helps me focus on building my academic skills. I am going to seek my mentor’s advice about lab notebooks because even though the lab notebook isn’t graded by the professor I will be using the lab notebook on the final exam so I want to make sure that the notebook is organized so I am seeking advice from my mentor who has taken Organic Chemistry before and knows about lab notebooks and procedures. The professor didn’t check the Prelab for the first experiment because he said that it was just a warm up, however he will check the Prelab for the second experiment on Tuesday February 4th. So I will be working on a Prelab which summarizes the second experimental procedure and gives a detail of what the purpose of the experiment is that will be due Tuesday. I will likely meet with my mentor so I can gain insight into Prelab guidelines because the Prelabs are checked by the professor before students can begin lab experiments and I want to make sure that I have a decent Prelab for the next experiment that I will be doing on Tuesday February 4th. I also have a lab report due February 4th that will summarize what I did in my first experiment in lab class. I have already completed the online quiz and lab procedure notes for Genetics lab for Wednesday February 5th. I am working on the lab report for the first experiment, the Prelab for the second experiment (professor will check this one but didn’t check Prelab 1 because it was a warm-up) and an online lab quiz for Organic Chemistry lab due February 4th. I just finished my notes for genetics class chapters 2-3 today and I worked on reviewing chapters 1-3 because the quiz for genetics lecture tomorrow is on those chapters. My meditation class has a research summary due Thursday and I have to pick a meditation topic to research and this topic will also be a presentation that I will do likely in April towards the end of the semester. It’s quite a busy semester but I think that meditation helps me keep a positive attitude and the counselors at Stockton are helpful to help me understand my feelings when I feel stressed. Thank you to tinybuddha and Anita for all your help as well because I feel better writing things down and when going back to read them I feel like I understand myself better.

    January 26, 2020 at 9:15 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #335236
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I find that I really enjoy learning about genetics at Stockton and the professor that I have explains things well and has a good sense of humor. I think that I will do well in that class. I am doing better in Organic Chemistry because there are some Classmate who I work with in class to help me understand concepts and the professor explains things quite well and if students have questions they answer them quite thoroughly. The Organic Chemistry lab still makes me nervous but I have a good lab notebook outline using the guidelines from the Stockton Chemistry lab blog and the Chemistry lab book. I will be talking with the Organic Chemistry professor tomorrow about questions that I have about the lab experiment and will have them provide advice on how to improve my Prelab so that I will be more ready to perform the lab experiment on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous about talking with the professor about my lab notebook, but I think that it will go okay and it will be helpful. The inner critic of my gender dysphoria does make me doubt myself and I often see more flaws in my work than there really are. I often check my work multiple times and am very critical of the notes I write because I want them to sound good, but I find this straining sometimes so I am working on trying my best and checking the work 3-4 times and telling myself it’s okay rather than trying to stress and check it 10 times and revise it consistently. The meditation class is helping me increase my focus on my studies and develop a shield to ground me so the dysphoria isn’t too overwhelming, but I still need practice with that. I am grateful for the meditation class because my professor has students write journals about their meditation practice and writing notes helps me keep a steady meditation practice and put my feelings onto paper. The counselors at Stockton are providing me advice on ways to express my gender identity without trying so hard duch as providing me advice about gender neutral colors that I can wear which is helpful. In addition, the Transcendence group at Stockton is the transgender people group and they help uplift each other up and provide support. The nutritionist at Stockton which I want to start setting up appointments with again since I talked with them during the fall semester and they were helpful I want to talk with them the Spring semester as well. The nutritionist can help me work on building healthy meals to keep my energy levels stable and also eat balanced meals so that I don’t feel like I’m too full and then have dysphoria because I can work on planning smaller light meals that provide energy throughout the day and nourish me but don’t cause the heavy feeling of eating full meals. The meditation class is also teaching yoga and I want to learn more about it. Stockton has a yoga club that I think I will join if it fits into my schedule because it would help me have a healthy workout routine that is not too straining. I have been doing less weightlifting workouts as to not strain my muscles and I find myself feeling less sore. I don’t think I will be able to change my parents but I will work on building myself up in my knowledge. There is a quote that I  wrote “There is not one path up the mountain, but many paths. The person should listen to their heart and build their inner self and use that strength to climb up the mountain and they should have an open mind to look at the other paths and use them to guide them along the way for that is wisdom. The person who just takes the paths others give them will start to lose their sense of self and be stuck following others ideas and not be happy because they aren’t working on discovering who they are on the inside and while they may climb the mountain a ways they will fall and may remain lost at the bottom of the mountain until they realize that they need to journey inward to discover their inner self and climb the mountain and only use others as steps to make the climb easier. If the person only follows their own advice while trying to climb the mountain then they will not gain knowledge that may help them if they reach rocky slopes on the mountain and blinded by the lack of knowledge they may fall down the mountain. It is important to look inward and build the inner self to climb the mountain and use others knowledge to help guide you to climbing the mountain. Life is a mountain that people climb, some people refuse to climb the mountain because they are afraid to fall and they stay safe never seeing the opportunities if they only took a risk. While others try to find a way around the mountain not realizing that they have to get through the obstacles by climbing but trying to circle around trying to avoid climbing or pretending the mountain isn’t there and these people end up spending their lives away living in an illusion not wanting to embrace the flaws or obstacles ahead of them so they don’t grow. It is important to embrace the flaws and obstacles and use them to grow because no matter how hard you try to find other routes around the mountain or pretend that it’s not there, the more likely it will become more immense until you have to face it so face the flaws and obstacles shine light on them and climb the mountain. People who spend time arguing with others could be spending their time building themselves up because arguing with people doesn’t change who they are much like if you try to move a mountain by pushing it, it won’t budge so you should just end the argument and walk away and build yourself up to climb the mountain to your goals. Life is a mountain, on the way to the top you may fall and that’s okay. Keep believing in yourself and climbing and you’ll get where you need to be.”

     

    Wishing you well in the week ahead.

    January 25, 2020 at 9:22 pm in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #335052
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Stockton University’s Wellness center has many resources for LGBTQ people. They have an LGBTQ safe space where people can hang out and meet other people. The campus is very uplifting with the trees, lake and the birds as well as the Wellness programs that they have. The counselors are more knowledgeable about LGBTQ people and have lots of insight about where to find resources on campus or other support groups nearby. Since Stockton is an university, they have more resources than the Ocean County Community college that I transferred from to Stockton. I enjoy being on the campus and they have meditation and holistic health classes as well as clubs that I am getting involved in. I do wish Stockton University’s library had books for reading rather than having all research books, but I like the quiet peace of the library and sitting in the small cubbies desks to study looking out at the trees is very relaxing. The library upstairs has Saturn planet hanging from the ceiling and it’s really cool. The professors have a good sense of humor and help their students feel less anxious, they have students work on ways to reduce their stress by having meditation sessions for students as well as nutrition counseling for students. I really like the wellness and mental health resources at Stockton, they have more diverse resources because they are a university and I like the quiet peaceful atmosphere with the nature. Although I miss the library at my former Ocean County community College because I enjoyed the books there for reading and it was always updating with new books, I like Stockton’s library as well. The librarians at Stockton are very helpful in helping students look for books for their research subjects or just to read to improve their knowledge in a field. The labs at Stockton are quite large and a bit intimidating for me because each student gets their own locker and drawer for their materials so that they can conduct their experiments. While I find it exciting to do research on my own and build my skills, I miss having a smaller lab and working with a partner like I used to at Ocean County Community college because I could check my work, but at Stockton each student does their own experiments. There are times when the gender dysphoria makes me quite anxious that I start to feel disconnected from myself and I feel like I’m losing touch with myself and it makes me doubt whether I can make it through in life. During those times, the inner critic of my gender dysphoria roars and it feels like the doubts and anxieties are ripping holes in myself and I am only paper that is being torn to shreds by dysphoria and there is only pain that makes it hard to focus and I just want it to end (sometimes it’s so bad that I wish I would fall asleep and not wake up). The good thing is that I decided to seek out the counselors at Stockton University and talk with them and they have been helpful with helping me express my feelings. In addition, they have a “Reinvent your life” group that focuses on helping people reduce their anxieties a bit so it doesn’t make them lose touch with the daily living and they have cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation and yoga which I find helpful. I find that journaling on tinybuddha is helpful as well and I find that reading over the past entries that I have written I have realized how far I’ve progressed and sometimes reading the stories of what I wrote makes me gain a sense of self when I feel lost. I am grateful to have the tinybuddha forum and thank you so much Anita for all your help. You are a light that helps brighten the world.

    My gender dysphoria seems to have been getting more prominent because the more I know about it, the more I seem aware of it and the more I think about transitioning the more I want it to happen. I have never felt like I fit into the gender binary and I don’t like to be restricted in gender expression, I have always liked to play with the guys and been closer to the guys in my life. I remember when I was called a guy once I laughed and didn’t mind, that was when I realized that being a guy felt right for me. In middle school was when my body was changing due to puberty and I never liked the girls talking about their chests growing, I liked playing lacrosse with the boys and I always never cared about having a chest like the other girls wanted because what they thought would make them attractive I didn’t like. When I played soccer in middle school with the boys, I liked playing competitively and didn’t mind running into the guys at times, I found it lots of fun. I have never wanted to have a chest and I used to wear sports bras a lot because they constrict the chest and when I got my first chest binder in college I felt quite happy because the tight binder made my chest flat. I know in sophomore year of high school I joined the gymnastics team and I enjoyed gymnastics to help me build flexibility and balance, I didn’t mind wearing a leotard because gymnastics helped me burn lots of calories so I was quite skinny and wearing an undershirt helped me hide the curves of my body that I didn’t like. I quit the gymnastics team though because although I liked the gymnastics workouts, I talked with the coach if they accepted guys or gender neutral people on the team and the coach thought I was weird and said that they only accepted girls on the team and since I never fully felt female I quit the team. I admired the girls on the gymnastics team and I was good friends with them, but I never felt like I connected with them. In junior year of high school I joined the track team and I did shotput which helped me build my upper body and I enjoyed that more, but the girls on the track team made fun of me for not being feminine enough and since the guys ran faster than I did they didn’t really welcome me much so I decided to leave the track team. In senior year of high school, I had a guy friend that I enjoyed being around and he sat with me at lunch and helped me with my school work. I enjoyed being with him because he made me feel more comfortable about myself and since he was shy we didn’t talk much but he was a good mentor for me in school. I told him that I always thought being a guy was better and he listened and said he didn’t mind, he just told me to be myself and that’s why I enjoyed being around him. Even though he was shy, there were times when we would talk about something that would make both of us laugh. When I got to college and joined the LGBTQ community and they asked me about my pronouns I didn’t really know what to say, but told them to use he/him because I never liked female pronouns. the LGBTQ community at Ocean County college made me feel better about myself and I found that I enjoyed being a guy and when I cut my hair (even though my parents yelled at me) and got a chest binder it was like some part of me fit and I found a piece of myself. I have been living as a guy at Stockton and I find that it makes me feel happy, being with the guys is great and I feel like I belong like a part of me feels at home in myself with the guys.

    My parents do favor my brother more but I don’t think that made much influence in my decision. Asian families tend to favor cisgender men (cisgender means they were born as a guy) because in their culture they think guys are strong and can do lots of chores. But I think that society has lots of stereotypes of guys being independent, financially stable, strong, not showing emotions and other constricting traits that lead to toxic masculinity and that is not something I like. Culture sometimes plays a role in people’s viewpoints but I believe that people can change their mindset by learning new things and it’s important to be open minded because there is a lot to learn in this world. My parents are very culturally conservative which is why they tend to adopt the values of their culture and they haven’t changed much. Although I wish they would change a bit and learn other things so that they don’t restrict themselves with the biases in their culture, they haven’t really been open to change and I have decided to work on myself rather than trying to teach them to be more open minded.

    January 17, 2020 at 8:02 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #334013
    Janus
    Participant

    Here is a poem:

    I pick up the pieces of myself and try to become whole, but some of the pieces still need more love and light to heal

     

    Seemingly so focused on the pieces that I can’t seem to let go as I try to work on making them into who I see myself to be, trying quite hard that I start to lose myself in all the turbulent emotions that I feel

     

    Trying to bring light into the cracks and illuminate the shadows holding me back, my anxiety makes me feel like I’m always under attack

     

    My inner critic roars it’s dysphoric tones and I find myself trying to focus on the world and not lose touch with the things I want to learn to grow

     

    But sometimes it seems that I get lost in the dysphoria and things seem harder than I know

     

    It’s like taking one step forward and then being pushed two steps back and I find myself thinking about the things that I lack

     

    Meditation brings peace of mind for a while and I wish that it could stay longer because the fear of not being enough is straining me as I try to work on who I want to be

     

    The pain I can clearly see as I work on building myself up, but it seems like I still don’t know enough to build myself to the top

     

    If I could just let go of myself for a while and just be rather than trying so hard I wonder if I will truly see

     

    Sometimes the pieces are difficult to heal and they leave scars that make me feel like I didn’t do enough to heal and I find myself getting lost in the anxiety that I feel

     

    And I lose touch with the world and wish that I could have peace of mind for a day and that the stress would lessen a bit so I don’t feel like I’m fading away

     

     

    January 17, 2020 at 7:42 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #334011
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    There are times when my inner critic tells me that I’m not good enough because I don’t know how to do this or that. I am still very self-critical of myself. I am working on countering the inner critic though by reminding myself of the things that I have done that are good like my writing skills and my compassion for others. I find that it helps me keep a sense of self and not get lost in the inner critic by reminding myself when it starts to criticize me for not being productive or smart enough that I remind it of the good grades I’ve gotten so far and tell myself it’ll be okay. I wish I could press a remote and completely mute the inner critic but it’s difficult so I settle for working on keeping myself calm when it roars. The inner critic is like the wind rattling the leaves of the trees and sometimes the branches break and there will be days when the inner critic seems to win, but there is always something that reminds me that I am special and that even though I may bend and break at times I still have strength to grow and establish my foundation like a tree. Thinking of myself like a tree helps me ground myself when I’m feeling stressed because I like to imagine my feet touching the Earth and spreading out my roots to grow and my arms are branches that dance in the wind. I am still learning to work on dancing in life’s storms rather than having the storms drench me in sorrow and feeling like I’m drowning in rain. I am continuing to regulate my exercise so I don’t overstrain myself and eating regular meals. I need to work on the chest binder one though because I find that tighter chest binders help me with the dysphoria and make my chest look the most flat. But since the chest binders are tight and I have to take deep slow breaths to get oxygen to my lungs sometimes I find it straining. There are times when the chest binder makes me feel better about myself and other times when it feels constricting. I hope that with more meditation I can work on reducing my anxiety and stop myself from focusing so much on the parts of my body that give me dysphoria. I sometimes wish I could just let go of myself and stop trying so hard to make my body to look masculine and do things that build my health and also help me with my gender expression but not break me down. I find that sometimes I feel quite focused on whether my chest and hips look masculine enough that I am so self-conscious and start to feel disconnected from the world. When I feel disconnected from the world, I feel like I’m not living and I want to be able to feel a sense of connection with the world again and learn new things but sometimes the inner critic of dysphoria makes me lose myself and I become afraid that I don’t know enough to thrive in the world. Although I want to transition very much with every ounce of my being, I don’t want to feel like I’m losing touch with the world because I’m so focused on my gender expression and sometimes in those moments when I’m alone with myself I start to question myself and am afraid that my intense gender dysphoria is making it harder to live in the world. I can achieve temporary peace of mind with meditation but I think I need a steady practice and discipline to help me cope with my feelings when I feel lost in fear about things in life.

    January 16, 2020 at 10:29 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #333867
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you so much for your encouragement and for liking the poem. I find that being out in nature helps me de-stress and I have some good bird friends that come by because I have been feeding them and talking with them. Sometimes I like to visualize myself as a bird flying into the sky and not worrying about falling because I have faith that I can be carried through the winds of stress and that the sun illuminates my way. The first few chapters in the Meditation book that I am reading for my meditation class talk about dancing and music to help relieve stress. I think that dancing and yoga poses (thank you for sharing your advice on this 🙂 ) helps me find ways to express my feelings in healthier ways rather than the intense workouts that are straining. I still do regular exercise but I am working on not making it so straining on my muscles. I want to work on ways to cope with my anxiety so that it doesn’t overwhelm me and is easier to deal with. The anxiety will still be there and I know that it will likely fade or become less with transitioning but in the meantime I am working on building myself up. I am a spiritual being residing in a body and I am energy and I want my energy to flow and circulate well rather than having it repressed in some areas. I want to reshift my awareness to my whole self as a soul rather than trying to fit myself into a box of what my body should look like. Although I want my body to look more masculine, I don’t want to have to work so hard that I strain myself trying to fit into a box of what I should look like. I want to work on feeling confident and finding healthier ways to express myself rather than trying to break myself down. I tried to make myself fit into a box and I became bruised and calloused because the box didn’t fit and the more I tried the more I realized that I wasn’t living. There are some things that I enjoy working on to help me look more masculine like having shorter hair and working on singing songs to make my voice work on being more deeper. In addition, the music helps me express myself and I find that it is a good way to deal with the dysphoria.

     

    Here is a poem:

    The shadows in myself work on healing as I shine light on them and let them go

     

    Working on building myself up and understanding my soul

     

    The world’s expectations have made me lose myself trying to fit into a box

     

    The doubts in my mind cloud my awareness with their negative talk

     

    Working on facing the shadows within and letting the sunlight in

     

    Hoping to heal myself from within, walking a path of spiritual growth

     

    Each step I take sends me closer to finding myself, and there are obstacles in the way but I think I’ll be okay

     

    I want to see myself as a whole person made of energy rather than just as a body

     

    Hoping to bring healing and clarity into my mind so that when there are doubts I know that strength is still there to be found

     

    Sometimes I will fall to the ground and negativity will surround but I’ll work on building my way again

     

    Like a bird who is blown off course by the wind still continues their flight, I think that I will work on building my might even though sometimes life may give me some fright

    Using my mistakes as stepping stones to grow and working on building my knowledge

     

    There will be times when I lose my way and that’s okay because I don’t have all the pieces and don’t think that I ever will

     

    But I am a soul working on building myself and healing, the body helps me have a form to live life on Earth

     

    Working on seeing my shadows and releasing them into the light so that my soul can shine bright and working on breaking free from the boxes that limit me so that I feel more positivity.

     

    January 14, 2020 at 9:03 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #333395
    Janus
    Participant

    Here is a meditation poem I wrote:

    Thoughts drift like clouds in my mind

    Some of these thoughts may be unkind

    Blocking out the clear blue skies in my mind and making peace hard to find

    Imagining the breath as a wind pushing the thoughts aside helps me feel more focused inside

    Thoughts come and go as the breath of the wind blows them to and fro

    I find myself not getting tangled in my thoughts and just letting them pass like clouds in the sky and with each breath I blow the negative thoughts so they go “Bye-bye”

    Although I may get lost in thoughts and anxiety at times, I know that I can refocus on my breath and accept the thoughts as they pass and with each meditation I hope to heal myself back to my prime

     

     

     

     

     

     

    January 14, 2020 at 8:47 am in reply to: Too Criticizing of Myself #333387
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you so much for your advice that helps me improve myself each day.  I just started the first day back at Stockton University and I am enjoying it. Looking at the sun shining through the trees that lined the corners of the sidewalk paths that I was walking on to the buildings is very uplifting. I also found the shrubs that had originally been green when I was on campus for the fall semester are now having vibrant red splashes on the shrub branches and it is beautiful. In the early hours, the campus is quiet and listening to the birds is relaxing. I am establishing a daily meditation practice to help me reduce my anxiety and make it easier to appreciate the little things in life. Even though I still have anxiety and sometimes I feel my heart race, I find with meditation practice I feel more energized and can re-center myself when I start to feel stressed. I am looking forward to learning more about meditation from the Meditation class that I am taking and since I get to meditate in class, I hope that the meditation techniques I learn help me de-stress when I am working with more challenging classes like Organic Chemistry. I am thinking of working on building a yoga practice as well, but I am not sure how to approach creating yoga workout routines for myself. I think that yoga helps me relieve tension because there are times when I feel really anxious and I like to be active since exercise helps me shift focus to  the workouts or poses and work on calming my mind. I hope that with a steady yoga practice I can stop the intense workouts that I do that leave me feeling quite sore in my muscles and just enjoy the flow of yoga poses that do not cause so much strain on my body. My Meditation class covers Qi Gong as a technique to help circulate energy flow but that is in later chapters. Currently I am learning how to ground myself and let the energy flow throughout my body by imagining myself as a tree being rooted to the earth and receiving the Earth’s energy as well as imagining the sun’s rays shining through the branches that are my arms. I find this grounding technique quite helpful because there are times when I feel shaky with anxiety and imagining myself as a tree being rooted and absorbing positive energy from the sun helps. I have the Meditation class Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Mondays and Wednesdays I have Organic Chemistry and Genetics so I think that the meditation class helps me keep my stress levels more balanced. There are journal reflections for the Meditation class that ask students about their feelings after the meditation or pose questions that they answer about a meditation technique or ask students to write a short poem that can serve as a mantra for meditation. I like the journal prompts that ask about writing a poem as a mantra for meditation best because it makes me think about what I want to write to help me de-stress when I feel anxious and it helps me tap into my creative self. I feel like I am too focused on parts of my body like my chest and my hips because I worry about them the most and meditation helps me refocus my awareness on acknowledging my feelings and the world around me. I hope to work on yoga as well because instead of trying intense and straining workouts because I feel like I need to work on a specific shape for parts of my body, yoga can help me work on seeing my body as a whole and achieve balance and flexibility with the poses. If you  have any advice on how to build a yoga routine with poses that help with the whole body, I hope for some advice.

     

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