Dear anita,

I’m not sure if this is what you mean but what comes to mind is “expressing anger must be bad”.

This belief came about two fold.
1. Mother’s anger was expressed badly in the former of abuse.
2. My attempts to express anger were met with swift, harsh punishment.

So, therefore, expressing anger must be bad.

I now realize that there are healthy ways of expression but, since I didn’t learn these skills, mine still comes out badly (I loose my self control and lash out at others verbally). Then I feel guilty which reaffirms the belief.

I look forward to hearing from you when you can get online again.

~Shipp

Dear Anita (I just remembered reading that you prefer the small ‘a’),

A follow up post. I was reading a post by John “Is this it?” and was very interested in the advise you shared with him. If you don’t mind, I copied your last post here because I would like to discuss further with you (without high jacking John’s space).

You wrote “It is my experience that most of what we are is automatic, a quick and automatic reaction to existing pathways that are triggered, again and again, by people we interact with and life situations.”

This is what I meant by ‘I can’t seem to stop doing the wrong things long enough to start doing the right things’. My thoughts, actions and reactions seem to on autopilot.

You also wrote “to be authentic is to get a sense of distance from existing pathways, being able to notice them, identify them and instead of being identified with them, being able to CHOOSE from a distance. To choose before drowning in those pathways.”

This is what I want for myself. I want to be authentic, who I am..the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me, and not fear being judged or rejected by others. I have moments (usually when anger over rides my fears) when I am fully present and self aware without worrying about what others think. In these moments, I feel free, unbuttoned. But those moments are fleeting and then I go back into hiding mode.

Do you think it’s possible to reach a state of consistent being that is fully present and authentic? If you’ve been able to accomplish this, please share how.

I’ll continue to follow John’s posts, as I think he and I are seeking similar information.

And if I haven’t told you lately, thank you for giving your time, compassion, wisdom and truth, not only to me but to all the others that post here. You are truly a special person to give so much of yourself and I’ve yet to see you ask anything for yourself. So, thank you!!

~Shipp

Dear Anita,

I remember the Never Ending Story lol. It was one of my youngest daughter’s favorites. I agree that it takes a child for such a journey and I understand the similarities with a beginner’s mind. I sometimes believe that I’ve experienced too much and have become too jaded to recapture the innocence of such a mind.

I also agree that fear is a very powerful emotion. Too often the only emotion that is strong enough for me to overcome my fear is anger. For me, anger has been the only emotion strong enough to cover the fear and feeling of helplessness since around age 10. That is when I first attempted suicide and after failing, I decided that anger was stronger than helplessness and that I would not let my mother destroy me. (That seemed logical to my 10 year old brain). I’ve since realized that I’ve spent my life since then being angry.. carrying a chip on my shoulder and looking for someone to challenge to knock it off.

When I chose my career, I chose the legal field because I have a hypersensitive sense of justice and what is fair. But here is where the switch came about. In my field, passionate is acceptable but anger and aggression are not. So, I would hold that anger inside with no outlet. Given the amount of work and hours the job requires, there was the inevitable frustration. Frustration turned on myself, mixed with the unspent anger, became harsh unyielding view of self and depression. I’ve read other posts that refer to depression as “feeling down and sad” but the depression that I experience feels painful, like my body and mind have been exploded into thousands of disconnected pieces into an endless darkness that will only be eased by nothingness.

So my cycle is fear, only covered by anger, which when turned on myself become depression. While I seek to rid myself of these dominant negative emotions, they are the fabric of who I was and still am. I sometimes think that without them, I would be nothing, empty. I truly don’t understand how, given what all I have experienced in my life, I could ever view myself and my world as others do theirs. (The happy, perky, positive people or people who love themselves more than they do others or people who say that they were able to forgive themselves and others… HOW???)

Sorry, my frustration is showing again. I realize that I’m venting. I told myself when I started posting that I would not relay all of the traumatic events that caused me to be where and how I am today but if life was unbearable at 10, it only got worse from there. After almost dying last October, I finally realize that I want to live, truly live, but not as I am now. Not as I have for all these years. I just don’t know HOW. And, yes, I realize that no one can tell me how to do that but I do hope that somewhere I will find a key truth that will unlock the door (wall) that I’ve spent so many years building.

Ok, my venting is over for now. I appreciate your listening to me and letting me sort out some issues. Sometimes it’s easier for me to have to stop and put my thoughts in order before writing them out. Sometimes all of my thoughts, just rolling around in my head, become difficult to sort through.

Thank you!!

~Shipp

Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing your personal story. You and I seem to have taken opposing methods for dealing with what we faced. Unfortunately, I think the end result was similar. Although, based on some of what I’ve read, you seem to be farther along on your journey to peace than I am. In spite years of therapy, with many different counselors, I still can’t seem to get a grip of my fear, sense of self worth and anger.

I apologize but my thoughts are, at the time, somewhat scattered so I will check in again tomorrow.

~Shipp

Dear Anita,

Its good to hear from you!

Its comforting to know that you fully understand the pain and stress of a simliar childhood. I would like to ask, if you dont mind, if escape into fantasy world continued for you into adult years? The reason that I ask is that, to some extent, I still struggle with that. I get an idea of the ‘perfect’ job for example (I can invision my desk and surrounding office, how well I dress and look, etc) but then reality sets in and I feel crushing disappointment. I realize full well that I have no right to be disappointed because ‘perfection’ was all in my head, but there’s still the thoughts of “I SHOULD have better than this”. (and yes, my parents drilled absolute perfection and second is not good enough into my head early on and used words like should, never, always and many others). I would also like to ask if you felt pressure to excel and please your family in an effort to make the peace. For me, this was/is the case.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

~Shipp