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Shelly

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  • in reply to: I just don’t know what to do #368181
    Shelly
    Participant

    Hello S,

    First of all, I want to tell you that its very natural to feel pain, anguish, anger, sadness when one is abandoned, that too without any explanation. So, the best way to reduce those feelings is to accept it. Acceptance of being abandoned, rejected helps one to move forward. Why I am saying so because  almost everyone goes through this in her or his life. We all are human after all. Situation like these makes people more compassionate, wise and strong. If you could realise calmly then you could see that there’s a huge growth trajectory awaiting for you.

    Now let me try to analyze whatever happend in your personal life.  Your bf broke up with you over a text  message. If I was at your place then I would have asked myself what is the root cause of my miseries  here

    1. Is it that he broke up with me or,

    2. Is it he did so over text message without giving any meaningful explanation.

    If it the 2nd case then it basically  tells he is very unkind person. He was never serious in this relationship.  Because had he really cared forget love then he must have talked to you about it openly. It also shows that he wasn’t open to you i.e. he could not share you his true feelings maybe he had felt that there’s understanding problem between you both.  This also explains why he shared his one night stand with his friend but not you.

    If its the 1st case then he must have some reasons for it like compatibility issue, family issue, he might be attracted to someone else etc. Since he is not completely open to you he might  not tell you the real reason.

    And I am sorry to say so, but there might be another reason that he was never interested in you. He was just giving this relationship  a chance to see how things turn out. The outcomes were not as per his expectations  so he decided to quit.

    Either way, what is important to realise is you cannot control how others behave or feel or think. If we keep on thinking about other’s  behavior then we are positioning ourself in a very powerless situation. Besides think about it, if he had done this after 2-3 years how you would have felt? Being with someone who is not equally emotionally  invested is a very painful feeling. There were many clues through which you could have observed his investment  e.g. he never introduced you with his friends and family, he asked you to move in and you complied. The real test of relationship  is when differences surface. When everything is convenient  then there’s no depth, be it relationship  in particular or life in general.

    I would advice you dear to accept whatever happend. Find meaning in your life. Life is very unpredictable,  most of the things come and go without any  warning or explanation. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who is not sure about you. People easily hide their true feelings. There’s no use to fight them but to make oneself strong enough and rise above such situations.

    With lots of love

    Shelly

     

    in reply to: In love with married man #368176
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    I read your reply throughly. But I disagree to few parts of your reply because

    1. Our affair is not sexual …

    2. His wife is financially independent

     

    in reply to: In love with married man #368038
    Shelly
    Participant

    I want to add, I am 11 years younger  to him.

    in reply to: In love with married man #368037
    Shelly
    Participant

    sometimes I feel am i being used here?  Do he really mean what he say? As of now whatever he said to do he has done.  But still  I don’t know whether he is equally emotionally invested in this relationship as I am. Am I being fooled here?  Because  if he really  loved me then why he is with his wife?  Or is it just a phase he is enjoying conveniently! Why take the trouble.? Sometimes  I feel why not open up this secret affair  in front of his wife and let her take decision.  I don’t know what to do..please help

    in reply to: In love with married man #368036
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for replying

    Yes you understood  it correctly.  He is a nice man so I don’t want him out of my life. Sometimes I think is it anyhow possible to just be friend with him without any romantic feelings for him or even any expectation . He never said anything wrong about his wife or family. Since day 1 He told that he love his wife and his whole life revolves around their child. Probably his commitment to his family attracted me towards him.

    He is so patient, calm and wise. He listened to all my problems and was present as a support when I needed in taking decisions.

    But it became complicated  because he too fell for me…gradually I guess… he says he love me so much but he cannot offer a committed relationship. We both agree that there is no future (probably i don’t agree as options are available but I know that those options will never be exercised). Despite this we both are maintaining a secret relationship, which is very frustrating  and tiresome.  I tried so many times to cut all contacts from him but maximum I can do was 5 days. It is complex because I don’t know what to do. He is not a cheater to me but yes he is cheating his wife to which I am also an accomplice.

    I feel why I knowingly pursued this relationship. I feel  shame, anger, loneliness  sadness, jealousy, thrill of affair and love & care for him and his family all at same time

    I had no idea that it would be so difficult  to end. My self respect is at all time zero level. I cannot concentrate  on my career. i feel stuck.

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