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Sheelanagig

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • in reply to: To New Members: #218101
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Thank you for the intro. I chose my name sheelanagig. sheelanagig are ancient statues found in Europe that are thought to use explicit representations of womenā€™s sexuality as amulets of protection. I am here because I look stuff up in the computer regarding relationships and self live and my attention gets brought to Tiny Buddha over and over.

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #218099
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    You are totally 100% correct and I wish I could go back in time because I have put myself in situations where I was victimized due to low self esteem. In therapy we talk about the everyday adult me, the mean parent me and the helpless kid me. Working on recognizing when each of them is ā€œmaking an appearanceā€ and then trying to ground myself in the adult to deal with the child and adult as needed. I feel like that make me sounds very crazy, but I hope you know what Iā€™m talking about.

    When I first posted this topic, I felt very confused and blurred in my mind, which is unusual to me, I feel like I usually have at least a tiny clue as to what is going on. I think I was just in major denial that I was used by someone I trusted. Slowly Iā€™m accepting it and trying not to beat myself up for being a sucker.

    I just want Ā to say I very much appreciate the time, effort, concern, wisdom and compassion you have given to me thru this conversation.

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #218003
    Sheelanagig
    Participant
    Hi Anita
    Interesting points/suggestions. Ā I say he ā€œgroomedā€ me bc he spent months acting as if he was a friend and trustworthy and asking me about my thoughts and fears and offered compassion and reassurance.
    He put in effort to get me into a position where I would be sexual to him and that is what I felt was exploitative, that he chose to do this with the knowledge that I didnā€™t have, that he was in a relationship. I believe he chose to do this to me because he saw a desperate needy and sad woman. Later he said he believed he was doing me a favor by ā€œbeing there for me.ā€ Thatā€™s what I mean by targeted. He saw someone with vulnerabilities and chose to exploit them.
    I think itā€™s really interesting that you pointed out the possibility of me being in the childlike position and putting him into the loving father position (Iā€™m putting it in my own words) who i desperately wanted approval, attention, comfort and recognition from. There is some truth to that I see in retrospect, but at first I thought he was just a hatrmless guy who lived far away, and I had a lot going on and he was willing to listen and not judge seemingly, so I just spilled it all out. In retrospect, I shouldnā€™t have done that for many reasons. I could tell thatt he sometimes subtly got off offering me reassurance and advice in a tiny condescending way and my dad does the exact same thing. He loves to give people advice and be right strong and smart etc. I chose to minimize it it.
    When I was a younger adult and teen I definitely felt like I thought EVERYONE was cooler, smarter, better than me. Since Iā€™ve gotten into my 30s and earned some accomplishments, Iā€™m realizing I do have knowledge and am good at my job and have a lot of knowledge others donā€™t in some arenas. When it comes to the emotional realm, having to do with intimate relationships, I can get very very triggered and totally feel like a child. And these issues are related to feelings of abandonment I believe. Usually when Iā€™m going thru this intensity I write, and after Iā€™ve come to Ā rational myself a little bit, Ā I talk to my a few close friends or talk to my therapist and I do love my friends for their nurturing qualities, but also I try to nurture them when they need it too.
    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217983
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. You are wise.

    This exercise brought to light my habit of dissociation. And also just being confused and clueless as to what is going on in the adults world and how that is so scary. How I felt like I was a bad kid. And felt so misunderstood and unsupported. I guess itā€™s like what Iā€™m used to. Feeling sad and anxious and wanting and grasping and waiting for some guy to give me approval and attention. I t is definitely a habit ingrained in my brain. I have some insight and try to shake myself out of it. I know it is a process but in the meantime I want to lessen any damage I do to myself and other people, esp my son. Maybe I should write letters or imagine scenarios where Iā€™m comforting the little girl me. Iā€™ve done it before but maybe more of hat will help that connection between her and me grow.

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217913
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    I have an appt w/ my therapist next week. She’s great. I need to go more often.

    Thank you for that interesting suggestion regarding speaking from a child’s place. My first reaction was like yeah I could do that, easy, then I started to and my brain wouldn’t even let me complete one sentence because I felt too scared and vulnerable. Not because it’s a public forum, but because it feels so scary and powerless to go to that place.

    i feel scared

    my mom is mean

    my mom is crying

    my dad is mean

    my dad is kicking stuff around

    i feel frozen

    i dont know how to move

    i hope they leave me alone

    i hope they dont pick at me

    i just want to color and play outside

    my brother is crying

    my dad is so mean to him

    i wish he’d leave him alone

    but at least its not me

    why is my momĀ  crying

    why is she slapping me

    i have to hide

    i have to be quiet

    i have to shut down

    i have to be tough

    I have to fight

    im so mad

    i hate everyone

    no ones gonna hurt me

    ill run away

    ill be alone

    ill be scared

    Ill be small

    ill run around the forest and pretend im a fairy

    ill eat sticks and grass and someone

    an angel maybe will come save me

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217873
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Thank you so much, Anita. I started crying when I read this comment from you. My emotions are getting the best of me. I can’t sleep and lost weight and didn’t go to work yesterday and am work now but just close the door and cry. I feel sooo sad. And angry. I feel like the man who I had the affair with, “S,” targeted me and I let him. I told him all of my most intimate secrets and fears, and I felt like he was the first man who ever SAW me and that we had a spiritual connection. And now I realize it was a fake manipulation in order to conquer me. He groomed me. And I am a trusting and loving and generous and soulful person and I opened up so much to him. I was separated from my husband and the relationship was abusive so I was extra raw and vulnerable. I told him about abuse I suffered in the past, and how I felt like a bunny and the men were predators like wolves and I didn’t feel safe. I opened up to him because I need my heart to stay open and pure and trusting and I can’t let it shut down from being hurt. He reassured me and comforted me but really he was preying on me the whole time. It makes me feel so scared and unsafe and like people are going to prey on me and I can’t keep myself safe. I think I’m reverting to a child right now. I am sobbing at the keyboard at work hoping no one hears me.

    I want to make this painful experience into a learning experience, especially because I am about to move back in w/ myĀ  husband. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that led to our unhealthy dynamic. I have been reading a lot about narcissism and co-dependents and find it very very familiar to my experiences. I know deep within there is a wound that is so deep it is probably in my DNA. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. My parents never honored me as an individual when I was a kid and are both narcissistic and codependent.

     

    “Perceptive children will also pick up on the emotional vulnerability of their parents. They will compliment their parent or try to be a perfect reflection of them. They hope that taking care of mom or dad will shore the parent up enough so he or she can eventually get back to taking care of them. With all of that care directed at parents, these children will likely lose touch with their own emotions and needs.”

     

    I read this today and it explained what things were like with me, but my parents were often angry and disappointed and I think us kids were trying to assuage them at our expense. I don’t know how to explore the dynamics with my parents. I just remember the painful times in my childhood when I felt unloved? So what will that do besides make me feel anger at them? Are my memories even accurate? I understand on an intellectual level that relationships w/ my parents made me have some codependent and probably narcissistic behaviors, but how doĀ I turn the intellectual knowledge into a felt experience of awareness, compassion, change and healing inside me?

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217711
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Yes this wounding is something I realized a few months ago but am still ā€œfullyā€ realizing it. Itā€™s a slow process especially bc my parents are still in my life.

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217677
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    The dynamic is like the men are strong and independent and not giving me all the love and attention I want so I just sit there with my lip out Ā crying and feeling anxious. I have a 3 yr old and I canā€™t keep acting like a desperate little kid myself anymore. I need to love and honor myself and I try so hard to learn how to do it but I still have the feeling all the time of being sad and anxious bc Ifeel unloved. Same thing w all my boyfriends and husband. Probably parents too but I kind of block that out.

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217667
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Thanks for writing. Yes that is true. This morning I texted him and said I can no longer participate in this dynamic and I wish him well and blocked him. Then I bought a book on narcissist and codependent relationships and who to truly be able to see myself and heal. I ha e a Similar dynamic with all men in my life and Iā€™m tired of it and need a change. I feel a lot better today and after I blocked him.

     

    in reply to: Feeling like i'm in a hurricane #217665
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    Iā€™m sorry, I never posted before, and wasnā€™t sure what to call the thread but it did feel like I was lost in a hurricane and overwhelmed and did not know where to go or how to get there and I canā€™t see anything.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)