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greenshadeParticipantHey y’all. The deadline for the documents was yesterday and I missed it :'(. I managed to work thru 2 panic attacks but got caught by the 3rd one. The position will be a very stressful one, and maybe this is an indication that I am not ready for it yet. The fact is, I do also face daily anxiety that I have been denying for a while and I need to work on that anxiety more consciously now. Anita thank you for sharing these steps. May not help with the deadline, but will try incorporating them into how I deal with anxiety daily so next time I have a panic attack I am better prepared.
Love,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi mrcc.
Are there volunteer services around you that you are interested in? Maybe try applying as a volunteer. That may help you build experience in that field of service. If nothing else, it will be the source of positivity in your life, while your job can be the source of income. Overtime, as your experience in your field of interest builds you can explore how to educate yourself further in that field, and maybe even applying for payed positions. I would also recommend starting saving if possible, so you have funds to see you through a career transition. Take it step by step, and hopefully you will get to a better place.
Take care,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi Noah 🙂
You put into words something I was struggling with this very morning but couldn’t define, so thank you for that.
My solution to this is that it takes more than one person to build a society. No matter how brilliant the person you look up to is, he/she can not carry the weight of whatever service you are delivering alone. She/he probably works in tandem with other people, other professionals exist to reach the people she/he can’t reach. So even if this person is the end all, be all person in your field, you are still necessary, because of the people you are directly providing service to, if that makes sense.
Best,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi Anita!
I needed to think about this one for a bit.
I do think that being home saps me of a lot of my energy and strength. But I have introjected a lot of things my parents do and say as well. So even my dad is not saying or doing anything as long as he is around I am still fighting a lot of guilt and anxiety as soon as I around him.
The advice she gives is usually geared towards the changing the dynamic at home but my own guilt stops me from following thru those suggestions to any significant degree.
Lov,
mNovember 2, 2016 at 11:51 pm in reply to: Regret and fear related to seperation from my daughter's father whom I miss #119470greenshadeParticipantHi Anny!
I’m sorry you’re facing this.
I do agree with Ninja, in that this man is not a good father. The abuse he hurls at you serves to establish control over you, by making you feel you are worthless and unable to survive without him. Your child, at this age, really is unable to survive without her parents, hence no need for abuse. Once she grows up and starts coming up with questions about life as children do, challenging things he says, developing a sense of self… that is when the need to control will kick in and the abusive behavior towards her will begin.
Also, I do not think your expectations are too high. Your expectations are what the basic foundations of any relationship should be, i.e honesty, faithfulness, consistency, empathy. Him telling you that your expectations are too high is a way of getting you to settle for less than what is minimally acceptable in a relationship. Again, I agree with Ninja, reach out to your friends and family for support. Don’t isolate yourself or your daughter from them.
Unfortunately, no matter how much we may regret our behavior, unless we are taking concrete steps to make changes, addressing why we behave the way we do (with the help of a therapist, for example), the behavior will repeat, that is he will dole out abuse to whoever he feels will take it, ie whoever is closest to him, people who are unable or unwilling to leave him. In this case it will be you and your daughter. So unless he is taking such steps, I would expect a repeat performance of what has already happened. Unless he is taking such steps, please stay clear of him.
With love and support,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi tinybuddy!
You said “I am a very loving and kind person, and in general I am a considerate and passionate partner. In no way do I want to hurt myself or the people I love.” and that is so, so evident from your post! In my experience, love for the people we care about and wanting to stop hurting them and ourselves is what drives the best kind of change.
My two bits would be to have patience with yourself, and find a community that you can reach out to whenever you feel your lowest, as frequently as you need. It can be this community, or it can be a community or support group where you live. Find and cling to that community and don’t let go, however much you are tempted to, or however much shame provokes you to run and hide. Also, read, read, read, watch youtube videos to try and understand yourself and the effects of what you have gone through better. It was surprising for me to learn how much of the little things I do that impact my relationships and work were directly linked to childhood trauma, never mind the big things. Its also so wonderful for you that you have made contact with a therapist. Commit to therapy, self education and community :). The big three.
Lov,
mgreenshadeParticipantHey guys! Thank you all for replying!
Ninja and Anita: I think my therapist reframes a lot of negative thoughts I have about myself in a positive light. She also helps me find concrete things I can do to make my home life better and having those things to do helps me feel that I can take steps to change things, that is empowering. But more than anything its the feeling of taking time out for myself and following thru with therapy that makes me feel better about myself, like I’m actually able to follow thru with something I’ve committed to. It also feels as something different and separate from my family, a safe space so to speak, and it is empowering to know that I CAN feel safe in certain situations, and that I was the one that took steps to find that safe space.
Peter: Thank you for sharing your journey. A lot of the the things you said and shared struck a chord with me, specially “taking ownership of my nature and nurture” and “How I do things had value, who I am has value.” These are good things for me to work towards.
Brav3: I struggle with knowing myself. To be honest, I could not tell you who I am or what I want. I am trying to move towards self knowledge thru meditation,journaling and art, but I have not gotten very far yet. Maybe I am hoping for results that are too concrete.
Jax: good luck to you too my friend! I hope we all get there 🙂greenshadeParticipantHi Michael
Im sorry you’re going through this. I think it says a lot about your strength as a person that you are able to look at your own behavior and understand where you went wrong. That is truly valuable; both for yourself and the people around you.
Active/compassionate listening is a skill that requires a lot of practice, and like anything else is harder when you are in emotional turmoil. I would say try to incorporate listening and communicating with intent in your daily interactions with people to an extent so it becomes habitual and easier to do in emotionally difficult situations.
MgreenshadeParticipantHey Moshushi!
Some times we want really, really hard for things to work out; because in some aspects someone seems so perfect and made for us. But by your own description, to maintain the relationship you have to act in a way that is not cognizant with your personal moral beliefs. That in itself makes the relationship imperfect.
“what should i think? what should i do?”
I would suggest writing down all the thoughts you have that are making return to this relationship, and assessing them one by one to see if they are really true. I would also be mindful of what situations I am more tempted to contact him in; find out what I am hoping to get from him in that situation and then try to find it else where. For example, if you are tempted to contact him after a hard day of work, is it because you need a listening ear? Is there anyone else that can help you meet that need? A friend, or a forum? It may not be quite the same as talking to him; but it will get your need met. You have to slowly and ACTIVELY convince yourself that you dont need him; and you need to do that by meeting your own needs in whatever other way is available to you.
Hang in there 🙂
Lov,
MgreenshadeParticipantHey guys.
I guess this is difficult for me to deal with, a lot dissonance sets in whenever I think about my dad.
He has bipolar disorder, so when he is manic he is a different person from who he is usually. When he is not manic, he is depressed. I have not seen him at baseline, if I have I dont remember it. Everyone tells me how loving he is, how caring and thats completely at odds with my own experience. I was also taught to believe how he was acting wasnt his fault because he was sick and not in control of his behavior, so to not be angry at him because how he was acting wasnt who he was. At the same time, I may also be viewing him thru the lens of anxiety and depression, both of which I am currently struggling with, so I dont know if I am viewing him clearly or not. All of this makes me very uncertain as to what reality is.
Adding to this, if I think of him as manipulative, I cant be loving towards him, and if Im not loving towards him a lot of religious childhood fear kicks in (when I was a child I believed disobeying or hurting your parents means you go to hell, at a subconcious level I still believe that i guess, even thou I am not conventionally religious.)
So while I hear your words, it is possible for me to internalize them at times, at other times it isnt because of all the confusion listed above.
with gratitude,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi monklet 🙂
Thank you for replying, and for caring. I’ve stopped faking a response to the baby talk. I’m also working on setting emotional boundaries, which is a little disorienting, to not get caught up in someone else’s emotional storm.My extended family is quite conservative, unfortunately, and the concept of abuse isn’t one that’s understood. They mantain I had a very good childhood because I was financially taken care of when I expressed unhappiness at one point.
Love,
MgreenshadeParticipantHi anita 🙂
I’ve started applying into masters programs abroad, that is one thing that would be socially acceptable as well as get me some space. If I do get in, however, there is a year from now until that will start and until then I’m trying to have as many things outside of home that build my self esteem as possible. But apart from that, dont really know. Its also confusing, because even if I do get out of this situation, I’m slightly afraid of my own self destructive tendencies kicking in, that is I intentionally mess things up when Im close to succeeding at something and while I am aware of this, I havent been able to gain much control over it.greenshadeParticipantThanks you guys, for replying!
You are both right anita, and xenopustex. It is crazy making, especially they go back to being loving and needing your support again within minutes, and I do also continually fall for it.
I think the reason I fall for it so continually is because the message is reinforced by my family. Whenever my dad did or said something that was hurtful the blame was turned onto me by my mum, my dad’s psychiatrist, even the teacher I went to talk to for “rocking the boat” or “upsetting him” . As my mum puts it “you cant expect him to change, or admit hes wrong” because “he’s sick and its not his fault”. The gist of it is I have to make peace with being abused, while being abused.
I tried to talk to my mum about shifting out for a bit, while im in therapy and in the process of healing because being around him triggers a lot of my fears and anxiety and she said “youre getting too far out of control”.
So where I am is; Ive made conscious efforts to make myself more aware of who I am and what I feel, and I feel unable to act on it. So i can either find out a way to “re-suppress” everything, which is how ive lived a long time, or act without support which I dont at the moment feel brave enough to do (a single woman moving out of her parents home to live somewhere else in the same city is unheard of in my city so it is unlikely that my extended family or friends would support me. Rather, I am likely to turn myself into a social outcast).
Thank you for allowing me the space to rant!
Lov,
mgreenshadeParticipantHi Peter thank you for replying!!
You are right, what I’m feeling is shame,not guilt. I think it is undeserved, then I feel crazy for thinking that it is undeserved. It helps to hear someone else say that it is undeserved also, it makes me feel less crazy. I’ve been struggling with this a lot recently, will look into the book you mentioned.
With gratitude,
MgreenshadeParticipantI was wondering the same. Also, completely understand if you need a break. It is not easy to give as much and as continuously as you do. I have a lot of respect for the empathy and understanding you show for everyone that posts, even if not everyone is in the state of mind to appreciate it at the moment. So please take care of yourself and know that you are valued, respected and thought of.
Love,
M -
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