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greenshade

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Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 141 total)
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  • in reply to: Redefining love-beautiful read #111751
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Gary! I’m back and can read in peace now!

    You asked “How would you summarize the article on the science of love?”

    Hmm I guess more then summarizing the article, I can tell you why it resonated with me? I was in a relationship a while back, and when I told people it ended, one of the first questions they asked was “was it love?”. If I said yes, I would always be asked to prove that it was. “what made you call it love?” I would give my reasons, and the reply would always be “oh but it wasn’t REALLY love because XYZ”. If I said no, the relationship was trivialized. I guess it bothers me that we’re all supposed to be looking for love but no one quite understands what it is, or knows how to differentiate it from infatuation or limerance or what have you. It feels like a quest for something mythical. So this approach to love, as a temporary, transient but powerful connection and understanding of others appealed to me. It removes a lot of the display and trumpetry of “true love” and makes it more human and accessible. It also removes it from a purely romantic setting.

    “This understanding is blocked from human awareness by social/environmental programming and the distortions of distance and density in the so-called 3D world. The distance and density mentioned are also illusory fabrications, made to feel very real in their effect. What we call love is a distortion of the emanations of O.B., normalized in fragmented human historical perspective. That is not to put down the experience humans call love. It appears to be the best we can do in this β€˜point in time.’”

    Thank you for answering this! I understand better now what you were saying. Do you also think that the stories we construct in our head (our defense mechanisms, I guess) to protect ourself from reality also get in the way of experiencing this love? Because they are artificial constructs distancing ourselves from our core, and therefore from the source of love? Maybe you seeing misused authority as a block to love also stems from this? The person misusing authority is not comfortable acknowledging their vulnerability, and therefore distanced from the truth of who they are? that is, vulnerable beings.

    I really love Kurt Vonnegut’s quote, a reminder to be in the moment if there ever was one, and much needed for me.

    Thank you for this correspondence Gary, I am currently in therapy and am struggling with lowering my defense mechanisms that have been in place for very many years now, and this is discussion has given me a little more insight, even though applying it is a whole different ball game.

    in reply to: Redefining love-beautiful read #111668
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Gary ! thanks for your reply! I will read in full and reply accordingly, but please feel free to use this for the whole human blog post, would love to read it!

    in reply to: Redefining love-beautiful read #111471
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Gary! I’m sorry, just saw you had replied to this!
    Hmm that is an interesting concept…I think I’m struggling a bit with separating the cause (love) and effect (emotion). My understanding of love has been as something very human and very mundane in how commonly it is felt but very unique in that it is how we manifest the divinity in all of us. I would love to hear more about your understanding of it, especially if you think its possible to acknowledge the cause and the effect it has on us as separate, if that makes sense (I’m having trouble phrasing this clearly lol!).
    Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts, it is appreciated :)!

    in reply to: Hate my life and feeling hopeless #111314
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Carly!
    I’m so glad this helped! Other ways I deal with guilt are very specific responses I have to situations: for example I keep trying to remind myself that the entire burden of (any) relationship does not lie with me, that I am not the person responsible for fixing every single issue that arises, that arguments are not one way streets and other people have a hand in them also. As a child I was led to believe that my parents happiness lay entirely on my shoulders and that they had no part to play in it. I applied that to friendships, relationships with teachers, other family members. So now I try to remind myself that other people are responsible for their own happiness, and to take full responsibility for another persons emotional state is more responsibility than anyone should be expected to bear. If I remember more thoughts that have helped me , I will share them also.
    Love,
    m

    in reply to: Hate my life and feeling hopeless #111083
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Carly!
    I have been suffering from depression for the past 2 years as well, with the severity of it varying. It is only now that I have started to come out of it that I even realized I was depressed. I am no where near out of it completely but I can tell you the things that have helped:
    1) there were situations that were/are bringing a lot of negativity into my life. I’ve been trying to change the situations I can, and tweak the situations I cant. Maybe discussing your triggers with your therapist and figuring out ways around them may help?
    2) guilt is also a symptom of depression, and it is important to remind yourself of that when it feels like guilt is weighing you down. Just because you feel guilty about something does not mean you were at fault. What helps me right now is to remind myself that maybe I am not in the best frame of mind to be objective and fair to myself.
    3) sometimes we do need medication to even get to the point where we are in the right frame of mind for therapy to help. It is definitely something you should discuss with your therapist or another competent practitioner. maybe the right approach for you is a combination of therapy and medicine.
    love,
    m

    in reply to: unsettled post therapy #110419
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Anita, thanks for your this. It seems so strange to have to relearn how to form close bonds/friendships at my age, but I seem to have taken a few wrong turns along the way. I realized I can not turn to this friend for support. I was able to view our friendship from an outside lens and it is basically me gratifying her need for approval. I am also sorry for the late reply, I had a minor surgery day before and have been a little groggy and unable to focus due to pain meds (better now! πŸ™‚ )

    in reply to: unsettled post therapy #110298
    greenshade
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thanks for your reply and for pointing this out! I am struggling finding a happy medium between opening up emotionally to my friends which I have never really done and leaning on them too much. I guess I have to keep telling myself baby steps here too and give myself time to figure this out.

    in reply to: unsettled post therapy #110213
    greenshade
    Participant

    Thank you for such a well drawn out and sensitive reply seaisland! I am not used to uncertainty and I like quick answers so I think I’m panicking slightly before allowing myself to settle in the experience. I will bring this up with my therapist.
    “You are just learning how to communicate with a trained therapist” this sentence really put things into perspective. I think I’m trying to apply everything we talked about constantly when I need to be okay with baby steps.
    Lov,
    m

    in reply to: Perspective needed #109784
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey Inky !thank you for the affirmation !!

    Hey Anita!I always appreciate your perspective so I’m glad you like reading from me :D.
    I do think I feel threatened by guys and I felt safe with him because he had a very quiet, calm presence. I also think I have pattern of making more effort in my friendships than other people do and it was so wonderful to have someone make the same amount of effort.It also contributed to the sense of security right? Like crazy things weren’t expected from me. I also realized today that he sort of held up a mirror and allowed to examine my thoughts, which was a very new experience for me. I feel like I need to really do that right now, and I think that also played a huge part.He was basically acting as a therapist for me.

    in reply to: Perspective needed #109675
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey inky he isn’t married but is in a relationship. We didn’t have a physical relationship, it was more emotional I guess.But thank you for saying that it isn’t my problem, I do feel guilty about withdrawing and I have to keep reminding myself it was the right thing to d do.

    in reply to: Perspective needed #109673
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey guys thank you for replying!

    Mahesh, thank you for saying this:”I suggest you to not to focus on why are you feeling so attached to him,instead focus on its such a great thing that I feel attachment to someone” reframing it in my head does help!

    Hi Inky! I guess I should give some details. We have known each other for around 2 years but started working in the same division recently. We became very close very quickly and both of us started acting like it was a relationship. It wasn’t platonic anymore so I decided to cut contact a couple of weeks ago, but that triggered a lot more pain than I was expecting. I do agree that it was safe to have feelings for him, since I did not expect them to be returned. I guess answering the why is my way of gaining closure? Or maybe I feel like understanding it will help me feel better, but maybe I just need to wait for it pass and let the why go.

    Hi Anita! I did know he was unavailable from the start. The closest I have gotten to understanding is I felt I could count on him, that is he made an effort to be present and that made it feel like the entire burden of the friendship wasn’t on my shoulders, which was very liberating. I have been hurt by friends in the past so I am grateful when my friends are there for me, but I don’t expect them to be. In terms of parents, he and my mum are both soft spoken, so that is a similarity. But I generally like soft spoken people otherwise also.

    in reply to: constant target for anger #108670
    greenshade
    Participant

    I am really sorry you had to go through this, anita and thank you for sharing it with me! I have also started to let some of the guilt go, at least about the smaller things, but I still have a looong lonnng way to go. There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the “right thing” as a “good daughter” and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now, I think.
    Tbh, I don’t think he ever saw how he behaved as abuse. When he was manic, he became cruel and enjoyed hurting us. When he recovered he wouldn’t remember the episode or his behavior during it. In his own way he does love me. He doesn’t generally leave the house anymore, but will do so if I need something. I am also an only child, so maybe that also contributed to being overcautious.
    I agree with you, and (thank god!) have always been drawn to laid back people. I also think I have a long way to go before I am ready for a relationship, in terms of being able to state (or even recognize and acknowledge) my needs. I am scared of repeating my behavior as a child: so desperate for approval that I overlook the other persons behavior completely, placing all the burden of the relationship on my own shoulders ( I do this in friendships too) in a relationship so I have a very strong negative reaction to the thought of a relationship. The only people I was able to consider without panicking there were insurmountable roadblocks that I knew about, so subconsciously I knew it wouldn’t be possible. In terms of friends, this year I have met some wonderful people who have made similar journeys and let go of their guilt so I am hoping to learn from them (and from all of the lovely people here, I have been lurking for a while on the forums)

    in reply to: constant target for anger #108615
    greenshade
    Participant

    Phew. lol

    in reply to: constant target for anger #108614
    greenshade
    Participant

    Well he was never physically abusive. He was paranoid, angry and controlling. Everyhting had to be done exactly the way he said it should be or he would get angry. For example if asked me to pass a bowl he would say “pass it from the left side”. If I went around the right instead he would see it as disobedience and get angry. There were multiple such episodes daily. if he got angry he would yell for hours and we would not be allowed to get up or move. If I had to go to the bathroom while he was talking he would get angry and would not let me go. I remember sitting in one place being yelled at everyday for 3-4 hours but I don’t remember the content, I would tune out. It could be something I did or something that went wrong around the house generally. We had to do whatever he wanted irrespective of what was going on in our lives. If he wanted to drive around the city for hours we would do that it did not matter if I had homework or tests. If I brought up school work he would threaten to take me out of school. Once I remember I had 104 fever and I had to go walking with him because he wanted exercise. We were not allowed to sleep at night. He would take my moms salary from her and being in financial control allowed him to be financially abusive as well. He would take our cell phones and house keys and we would not be allowed to talk to people without him being present. We weren’t allowed to cry or get angry.If we were quiet he would get angry too. He threatened to kill my mum once, I do not take that threat seriously now but I did when it was made because I was very young. He also would play tricks on her like mixing a large amount of tobacco or something in her food to make her sick. Those are the specifics I remember, I don’t remember everything.
    The grand gestures were sort of like, if it looked like he was picking on me and I was having trouble dealing with it that day, she would do something to call attention to herself and he would turn his anger on her instead. I would do the same for her if it looked like she had had too much. We would also defend each other if he it looked like he was going to interfere negatively in one of our lives (making mum quit her job or taking me out of school). Even with smaller things we defended each other.
    I think being in the same country doesn’t matter to mum, she just wants me to get married, she doesn’t particularly care to whom. When I realized this it felt like a huge betrayal. She was forced to stay in her marriage by her family and my fathers, and now I think she believes all of her sacrifices and suffering were for maintaining her marriage. I have always been very clear that I do not think marriage as the most important aspect of my life, and I think that makes her feel as if I’m negating her life choices (the choices she was forced into making ).This is an assumption, however, Ive no proof she feels this way.
    With my dad, if I travel for work he will call 10 times a day. when I get back home he wont stop talking about how much he missed “his child”. Before I leave he goes on about how much he will miss me. He makes me feel guilty about being away from home. That is why I feel he does not me to get married to anyone, that would involve me leaving home. To be honest neither of my parents knew enough about the guy or his family to be “for” or “against” the match. They didn’t even know his name (I’m serious). ALl we knew was his city and his job.
    To clarify about my dad, he suffers from bipolar disorder. He was very noncompliant with his treatment for a very long time. I had a nervous breakdown when I was 16 and he became compliant after that. He would still go through manic phases but they were a lot more manageable. for two years now he has become very old and frail and hasn’t had a manic phase.

    in reply to: constant target for anger #108570
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Anita, just saw your new reply here..hmm I guess I have to think about this. It is true that we were closer when my dad was abusive, there were lots of chances for “grand gestures” in terms of protecting each other and that made us value our relationship and there was a lot of mutual gratitude. Even while she was angry recently if I made a “grand gesture” move it would improve things for a day or two.
    I think it has been two years now since my dad has stopped being abusive completely, even though it has been slowing for a while. Her anger has present for the past few months and wasn’t there before that (or it wasn’t a pattern that I could pick up on).
    Something did happen in December. Arranged marriages are part of my culture, and there was an interest shown in me from a guy’s family. I did not say no, but did lay the condition that I wanted to talk to him before deciding. My mom initially did not respond to this either positively or negatively. She appeared to accept it as was. My dad , I believe, has problems with the thought of me leaving home. He has sabotaged university choices that would involve me leaving home (by refusing to send documents that the uni required) and does use emotional black mail if I have a work trip. He put his foot down and absolutely refused to consider the proposal (which I was secretly relieved by. Based on surface impressions I am pretty certain my answer would have been a no. I am also not mentally ready or willing to get married right now). My aunt who did talk to my mum about this, thought it was unreasonable of me to ask to speak to the guy. The end result was that my mum laid the blame for the situation not working out on me, even though I was willing to at least explore the option, with reservations.I had also expressed concern because the guy was settled in a different country, and I do not think I can move away permanently as it is very clear to me that my parents need me to be present in the city at least. This caused a lot of defensiveness from my relatives.When I made career decisions based on this everyone was fine however.
    I was very confused about what was happening during this entire incident, there was a lot of deception and manipulation and I’m not sure what anybody wanted at all at this point. By the end of it, I got the feeling my mum wanted me to say yes immediately and get married, which is not what she had expressed initially.
    I wondered if there was residual resentment from this episode that maybe resurfaced when she wasn’t happy. Around 10 years ago, she went though a similar period of anger with me. At that point I was young, she was the one who dropped me and picked me from school and extra curricular activities, and she was depressed, so she found the routine overwhelming I think. I did not realize she was depressed, our GP did and started her on her anti depressants, after which her lethargy and anger both resolved.
    I am sorry for the information over load! There are just so many circumstances which seemed relevant!
    Thanks and love, Anita, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to bring all of this to the surface.
    m

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 141 total)