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greenshadeParticipant
Hi all,
Just bumping this thread as I am feeling quite distressed by this issue, and am at a loss as to how I can address it.
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantHi Inky,
Thanks for your reply. For reasons of fear of safety, cultural appropriateness and differences in my own values, life goals and preferred family structure with local values I donât date locally. There are a few people I have tried with who shared my values but they all had temper or addiction issues or their ego turned me off. I am in this country for at least the next two years. My reason for interest in maintaining this relationship is that it âfills my cupâ in a way that I havenât really experienced before and now that I know what it feels like I donât want to go back to having no one in my life who is a source of comfort happiness and joy. Two years feels like a long time to be without those things. I have friends but having a partner feels different.
My own concern is around the fact that I feel unable to detect red flags and protect myself in this or relationships in the future. In this case, I either did not detect red flags early enough and things have the potential to be abusive or I am inaccurately painting this guy in the same light as my dad and not knowing what the reality is feels distressing to me. Even if I end this relationship, I would want to end it on a positive note (if that is the reality) and not on the note of feeling taking advantage of and manipulated (unless that is the reality).
Best,
m
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by greenshade.
greenshadeParticipantHi Yu,
The incident itself is concerning, but his response to it is even more so.
“I told him I was not comfortable with them being our godparents. And he told me to get over it because he wonât change it, he is the one taking decisions and he wonât let them out”. This is a major life decision that requires your input. It is not right for him to make this decision on his own.
“He told me he wouldnât discuss anything and I was wasting his time.” It is important to discuss any and all problems that occur in the relationship so that resentment and anger don’t build and so that his and your needs are met. You need to be able to voice your concerns and have them heard.
These are definitely red flags and should not be ignored. I would definitely take time to think before taking the relationship further.
Take care,
M
greenshadeParticipantHi both,
Thank you for your kind replies!
Gj, It might be a mix of both shame and regret. I agree that I feel like I am stepping outside the roll prescribed for me when I express my needs- who am I to speak up? is what my brain says. I wish I could accept a more assertive me. Thanks thou, for validating that my needs are important.
Inky, I can read your words and realize that in an ideal world that is how I would like to feel. It is difficult for me to internalize them however, or think or feel that way. The thing is, I know I’m on to a good thing with both my job and my relationship so I do not want to lose them and want to thrive in both, but my fear of rocking the boat, and having others notice me or my needs, or not be receptive to what I have to say makes me stay silent and then second guess and doubt my own concerns until I feel like I’m imagining things, (I basically gas light myself) , and then I cant raise issues with any conviction or confidence. I don’t really know how to stop doing this, or getting to the place of feeling like I believe the things you have said. Thank you for saying them anyway <3.
M
greenshadeParticipantHi A,
Thanks for your reply!
I guess I don’t want to stay away from someone who may be decent if my system is malfunctioning, which it somestimes does, and creates monsters where there may be none. But I guess you are right, my safety is more important than giving people a chance, and there have been other people who have NOT set off my alarm bells.
Some of the things I can think of that were different was I guess the type of dancing (I love dancing, and its part of how I bond with some of my friends because we know the same music and the same moves, but these people had different moves and I felt I couldn’t establish that back and forth), and the other might be that I didn’t have a safe person to go and relax by when the party became overwhelming, which I have had at parties in the past, because I usually go with a close friend. Those don’t seem like major things, but their the ones I can think of!
With warmth,
m
September 28, 2018 at 7:19 pm in reply to: what about emotional touch and more attachment with friends…!! #228043greenshadeParticipantkahani agar apke ijazat ho mein ap ki post translate ker dun take bakhi log bhy parhsakein?
Translation: kahani if I have your permission can I translate your post so others can read it too?
greenshadeParticipantHi guys,
Thanks for replying. I thought I would post an update since I have not replied to this thread. I have been acutely suicidal for the past couple of weeks and cant afford to dismantle my support systems right now at least until I am out of this funk. Especially since I don’t feel the trust or motivation to build new support systems. I communicated my distress to my therapist, she has increased my number of sessions and the structure helps. I have withdrawn from the friend however.
It seems to me that even otherwise reliable people may not be reliable if the timing is wrong (series of unfortunate incidents, for example my therapist was hospitalized, my friend is dealing with her own depression). What do you guys think about this?
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantI’m sorry Ella, I can understand what it is like to want your mom to love you and be warm and affectionate, but receive only anger and criticism. It seems you are currently in a cycle of her getting angry, and you trying to calm the situation. Since she doesn’t seem to have a problem with the cycle, you will have to be the one to break it. In order to break the cycle, I would suggest focusing on relationships other than the one with your mom. Maybe stay back and find activities near your school on weekends you are low instead of going back home. Focus on your mental/emotional health. If she is angry, let her be angry, distance yourself emotionally and physically if need be instead of trying to fix the situation. Let her know that her words cause you distress, but when you are both calm and in a way that doesn’t cause her to feel threatened. At the same time, when she is generous (or when you feel affectionate towards her) express that affection with the realization that she may not give affection in return.
Invest your energy and emotion in yourself and in other healthier relationships. I am sorry, but sometimes are most fulfilling relationships are not with our closest family as much as we might wish they be.
Take care,
m
greenshadeParticipantGinger tea is a great home remedy! https://www.thespruce.com/adrak-ki-chai-ginger-tea-1957416 <– recipe
greenshadeParticipantHi Jacob,
You don’t sound weird at all, you sound like a wonderful and interesting person. It also sounds like you know what you want, but what you want is so different from what the people around you want, that you feel like there must be something wrong with you. I agree with Anita, with planning and research for what different opportunities are available to you, if not in your own town, then nearby, you could work towards the type of life that is line with your values and needs. Your values and needs are justified, and worth pursuing.
Best,
Maria
greenshadeParticipantWell I’m not sure, but I don’t know how else to explain the strength of the pull other than some sort of transference! Maybe they’re similar to parents in some way and I’m being drawn to the familiar?
greenshadeParticipantHi Anita!
I think the mutual respect is there. I just end up confused afterwards about whether I can trust these people to be around or not. I would like them to be, but I don’t know. Also, I don’t want to pursue the situation if I’m transferring stuff.
greenshadeParticipantHi Ben!
Welcome to the forum.
I think the time to take a steep forward in a relationship, especially a big step like moving in, is when things are going well, and you’re happy with where you are and where the relationship is going. I think when there is doubt and uncertainty, its time to scale back, reevaluate and see if you’re compatible before moving forward together.
Two possible questions to explore in your situation are what caused you to feel like you were losing the spark ( whether it fizzled out naturally or did something lead to you losing interest, if so, what was it, is it likely to happen again), and whether your partner is working on his anger issues and what he’s doing to work on them. If you wish to continue with the relationship I would suggest exploring these areas, and then moving forward not by moving in together directly, but starting to see each other again slowly and evaluating if there’s something there that’s worth investing time and effort in.
Best of luck!
M
greenshadeParticipantInky that does make sense!! And I am glad to read this explanation because I had been worried I was giving of “please walk over me” vibes so to hear that it might be the opposite is a relief.
Hi Anita! Because my father was not open to feedback or change, I grew up really admiring people who COULD change. I think that is what drew me to the coworker who is working on her mocking and sarcastic behavior. So I have been considering history, but in a “this person was abusive in the past, let me be friends with them” way rather than “this person was abusive let me wait before I trust them” way. So now I have to work on considering history in the later way.
Best,
MgreenshadeParticipantHi Anita! thanks for replying!
I do not automatically trust people anymore, I have done so on the past.
With my mum I did expect her to snap, because old habits die hard, but I had not expected her to say something this extreme (I do not think she has ever asked me to leave the house before).
The coworker I had chosen as a friend because she was interested in self growth and I had seen her change from someone who could be mocking and sarcastic into someone who was considerate of other peoples feelings.
The friend who blocked me I chose because he had made an effort to spend time with me  when I didn’t really expect that from people.
There are two other people I currently trust: one as a friend who I can spend time with who is kind which is why I decided to spend time with her, but I do not enter deeper conversations with her because I know our religious views and moral values differ, and the second is my therapist.
Since I was quite selective and from around me these people appeared the most considerate as well as interested in me I chose them. However, if they let me down then I am thinking everyone will.
With gratitude,
m
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