Hi SereneWolf,

Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

Haha I agree, I myself actually enjoy Latte sometimes. Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

Ohhh! No physical affectionate from mother and even from the father side? Must be really hard for you. Yeah, your father didn’t stand up against your mother when he should have, just like my mother should have for me.

Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

It’s kinda similar to me! Like now I know I have so much love to give. But sometimes I still do get this feeling of emptiness like I have nothing to give.

I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

When she complains about work, what do you do?

I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest. But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:
I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

Yes she expresses her anger quite freely and I don’t. But I think it’s getting better

Just today evening I screamed at my grandpa. And I have never done that before! I talked back and screamed at my father sometimes in my teenage. But never to my grandpa. Even my father thinks twice when he has to tell him something. But today he was being rude with my grandma so I couldn’t help myself and I had a verbal fight with Him. He literally got up to hit me but I didn’t budge. Like if you want to hit me. But don’t be rude with my grandma like she’s nothing. Like he only likes when everyone is agreeing with him and my grandma disagreed with him so he got angry. So I think it’s another achievement for me

Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

Yes I think so…

Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

Yes exactly!

You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?  and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. Then why tie myself to a serious relationship? Because I literally despise LDR now. There is no way I want a LDR with someone I really really love. I’d want her to be with me. Not far away longing for me.

Like think about it, If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

Sounds silly enough? lol

Hi Tee,

my weekends (this one too) are usually peaceful, taking a light walk, sitting on the terrace of my favorite cafe, drinking my latte. Quite enjoyable, even if simple 🙂

Love that! I’m glad you had a nice weekend. Very similar to what I like in weekends. Except caffeine.

Oh I’ve heard of Ashwagandha, as a remedy for anxiety. I can imagine it can actually help, if it calms down the nervous system. As for yoga, it is not recommended, since it involves a lot of bending, which is counter indicated. So no yoga for me, unfortunately…

Ah I see. You can try and see if Ashwagandha or other Ayurvedic things that may help you

Do you remember any of such instances? Because I don’t, and I don’t think I had many either, since my mother was not really a fan of caressing and physical touch. And I spent almost a year as an infant at my granny’s, who was even colder than my mother… so I can imagine I didn’t get much cuddling, and in general that sense that they (my parents) are happy to have me in their life. Perhaps a little bit from my father, but I don’t really remember.

Ohh that’s interesting. I think I’ve read it somewhere and now it’s connecting the dots. Lack of physical affection is even worse than the emotional neglect. Because it has that feeling of safety. Like I got you, don’t worry. And we both didn’t got it. My mother used to caress my head sometimes and my grandma as well. But I’m quite sure no physical touch from my father. Only aggression.

But because of that you think it kinda turn us into not touchy people? Except the sexual touch obviously. Like even now I feel awkward when someone tries to hug me. Yet I do get little emotional. One of my uncle is really extrovert and I have a good relationship with him and the thing is that he always hugs me. Literally like half minute hug. Not a quick one. And that guy has a germophobia. We meet rarely but whenever we do. We talk a lot.
What about you? Because of lack of physical affection it still affects you?

What are you excited about? I mean, what are you getting in the interaction with her?

Hmm We talk just about similar things. She complins about work. We both are into cats so we talk about cats a lot too. Other than that just flirting here and there. But it’s been 3 days I haven’t talked to her. She texted me and asked that If I’m angry at her. I said there’s nothing like that. I’m just not in the mood and I don’t want to make you feel down because of me.

Also I think I did well that I forced myself to not texting. Because Now I don’t have the itch to check my phone if she texted me. So I kinda feel better lol

If it’s infatuation, it does mean she is meeting some need of yours, or you are hoping she could meet it… an unmet need.

Something just occurred to me: you said she is dramatic, always on the verge of anger. Whereas you keep your anger suppressed. So perhaps that’s what you like about her? Her freedom to express anger? So perhaps this is what she has, which you would like to have too, and it is attractive?

Ohh I haven’t looked from that POV. But I don’t think so, I don’t want to mimic something like that. Specially not getting angry over small things. Because it takes a lot to make me angry. I already have a calm image even for myself.

I get that – you are confused about what you’re feeling for this girl, you’re internally conflicted. And so you can’t really be happy for your friend, because you are fighting your own inner battle. Is that what’s going on?

Actually, I’m not sure. And it happened before with one of my other friends too. We used to talk a lot and share a lot of things and then She got into relationship and then they decided to move to Canada together. Now we talk rarely. And it’s not just talking but I think somewhere in between I have to learn to accept that people come and go. Some stays, some leave. but connections are there. Because another thing is I don’t know how but I always find good people around me or make good new friends again.

And about this girl I’m sure I don’t want to move forward. But thing is that it just feel weirdly painful when I hear like “Ohh my bf made a playlist for me”. “Ohh he surprised me with flowers” It reminds me of myself when I was in relationship

Oh I see, you mean dating brings something new and exciting. Well yes, it does, but it also brings up your fear of relationships, which is happening now again, with this girl… And that’s what makes you question whether you actually want a more serious relationship or just something superficial, to have fun. I think it is your fear speaking: the fear of intimacy is telling you to only seek superficial relationships. Because you do want a relationship, but you’re afraid of being hurt…

Okay so I think we should discuss about this in depth. According my situation, Because again I just tend to think rationally instead of emotionally,

I know I don’t want a superficial relationship. But because I don’t feel ready what if I start with something like situationship first instead of go all in serious romantic relationship and overwhelm myself?

I’ll answer for the video related question in the other part.

Hey Tee,

Well, it’s staying stable, that is, not getting worse again, which is good enough for me. It would be better if I could heal completely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, since it has been more than a year now. So this is the next best: low-grade, manageable pain, which I can live with.

Perhaps some day I’ll manage to “hack” it and heal completely, but I am not hung up on it, because it feels like something I cannot control (beyond a certain point). So it’s better to put my energy into something that I actually can control and where I can make a change…

 

I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.
and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

It seems there is still an emptiness in your heart (“empty feeling in my chest“), which I think indicates that your inner child still hasn’t received what he needs: love and appreciation. He still hasn’t been told: “you are doing so great! I am proud of you!”

There is a way to work with our inner child, by visualizing an event from the past and then making an “intervention”, where our adult self stands to defend our child self. And this make our inner child feel differently about themselves and it basically heals the root problem.

There is a beautiful demonstration of that kind of work in a youtube video by a coach Christine Hassler, called “I Have Awareness But Things Still Aren’t Changing”. The client is a woman, but her story is very similar to yours: a criticizing step-father, which made her to be very judgmental of herself, and she also lacks trust in men, i.e. relationships.

The visualization exercise with the inner child starts about minute 14, if you don’t feel like watching the entire video. So this is how you can actually heal your inner child, beyond just intellectual understanding. Let me know what you think…

I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

Thanks for sharing the video link I’ll watch and share my thoughts with you.

Okay, that’s nice that you could simply talk to her with more emphasis on listening, and less on judging or trying to fix her. And while listening, you also had discernment – you noticed some of the behaviors you don’t like and that are potential deal-breakers for you, such as smoking.

That’s cool! I mean, you can have things that are non-negotiable, that are simply not aligned with what you are appreciating in a person, and it’s okay to respect that.

I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no. and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

So you are thinking about going on dates because you know you’ll be moving soon enough? 🙂 But yeah, do go on dates, it’s a good practice, even a self-observation practice, to see how you react in certain situations. And to sort of dip your toe into the water and do dating without pressure – either on yourself or the other person.

Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

Oh that’s horrible! Nurses and doctors should know better about the professional (and human) ethics. That was really unprofessional. Maybe you could write a complaint to the kindergarten or the hospital? Because this type of practice should not be allowed. What did your sister say? Was she also disturbed by it?

I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

Yeah, I guess it’s better that you stayed calm in that moment. However you might want to do something about it, since your anger was justified. So perhaps you can save some future kids from a similar humiliating treatment?

You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

Maybe that’s the consequence of the same false core belief: “I’ll never be good enough”. Which can be a great killer of joy, because why would you strive for anything if nothing can really make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps the key word here is fulfillment. Maybe there is a “hole” in your heart, that needs to be filled (with love and appreciation for your inner child). Which will make you fulfilled.

I suggest you watch that video and see if you resonate with the approach there…

Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?

Hi Tee,

How are you doing?

I am glad your grandfather’s belief (that people are self-centered and don’t genuinely care about others) hasn’t affected you too much. And that you still choose to help others, rather than only look for your own self-interest. You are a kind and generous person, SereneWolf, even if you were exposed to this kind of messaging…

Yes that’s what I try to tell my inner self like no matter what I’ve been through I didn’t lose hope in humanity and connections. Then have some love for yourself.

Okay, so you were top of the class in your elementary and high school. But when you chose a college which you had no interest in (you chose it only because it was “in demand”, promising good career opportunities and a good salary, I suspect), your grades started getting worse, and you even failed in math. Basically, when you forced yourself to do something you don’t love, you immediately did worse.

Yes I do think it’s like that I don’t perform good if I’m not attached to it emotionally. But It was also because of my people pleasing behaviour, Like I didn’t wanted to disappoint my parents. But nonetheless later on I did, After 4 semester (2 Years) I put a stop to that college.

I think it goes to show that it is very important for you to do what you love and what is aligned with your values – because that’s where you can really thrive. I guess when you later chose another college, it was something you liked better and which is more aligned with you interests and preferences? And it has now lead you to a job which you really like (how it is going btw? have you finished with onboarding?

Actually after that my focus wasn’t just on the college, But also the work that I was doing. Like not exactly the same but I wanted to have the more flexible program that includes my interest. And luckily I passed, tbh I didn’t had to do hard work for my bachelor’s.

Now the Master’s would be more important because that’s for the current thing that I’m doing or sector wide, Like Sustainability or IT. But I’m not rushing.

I’m finished with my onboarding, It wasn’t that long, But I’m still learning their ways, I really like that they’re not rigid about certain ways If I like something my way I can do it that way. But they’re humble enough to show like here’s what we think is the most efficient way.

And I’m kinda proud of myself since They already gave me an assistant (She’s also intern doing Masters in sustainability) in just 2^nd week because during the talk they didn’t say I’d have manage anyone. But they trust me enough even taking on consulting projects. So my work is more diverse towards Product analytics and Consulting side as well. And another cool thing we’re all in different time zones. That means no unnecessary meetings.

Maybe your parents told you they love you and that they do everything in your best interest (my mother certainly told me that), but it doesn’t mean it was like that in practice. If I got a B (instead of an A), my mother was displeased with me and would condemn me for not studying hard enough. Having all A’s was taken for granted (I was never praised for being an excellent pupil), but even the slightest “slip” was heavily criticized. So her love wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t feel loved in those moments, I felt rejected.

I guess you’ve experienced something similar with your father: if you were top in class, he was pleased with you and would buy you presents. If you were not the first, but still excellent, he was displeased with you, right? I guess this taught you that you have to always be the best, otherwise your father won’t be proud of you. His love and validation were very conditional. Basically sending you a message “I will only love you and approve of you if you are perfect. Anything short of that is not good enough.”

Yes it was similar with me. And talking about it it makes me remember this point. Is this why I’m also not impressed with anyone’s educational qualities now? Or just not impressed with anything that much. Like huh. Good. So what? Am I becoming my father? 😂

Perhaps it taught you that you need to be perfect to be loved?

Something just occurred to me: your father expected that you be perfect in terms of academic achievements and career success. Whereas your mother expected you to control your emotions perfectly. To always put on a happy face and never show that something is bothering you.

So they both expected perfection from you, only in different areas. You couldn’t be totally yourself with neither of them, and I think that’s why you have trust issues in relationships.

You said:

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.

You believe you need to work hard on yourself, because you are not good enough as you are. That’s your father’s conditioning: You need to be perfect (excelling in many things) to be loved and valued.

And then you also want to perfect your partner too. Your inner critic is critical not only of yourself, but of your partner too. We’ve already talked about it before. With your previous girlfriend, you got into a dynamic of trying to perfect her. The focus was on her and her flaws. And I think it prevented you from showing her your “imperfect” self, your vulnerable, less than perfect, and yet totally lovable self.

 

Ohh right a very insightful point indeed! I think I’ve mentioned in the start that I was a perfectionist and maybe still am in one or another ways.. My drive to work hard on myself is still moderately high. As well as excelling in many things. And It’s also true I still don’t feel good enough which is impacting my self esteem

And Yes I’m trying to be vulnerable with friends, Just a recent example, My friend’s friend reached out to me and wanted talk even though another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like, She smokes, she’s dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. But I didn’t said no. I saw it from a different perspective this time we talked till 2am. I tried to understood why she’s the way she is and I noticed that it’s just her coping mechanisms, At heart she’s kind and loving woman. Not just her but most of our generation have bad habits and mental heath just because they feel alone and not loved.

(The reason why you were afraid to show vulnerability could be because of your mother’s expectation to never show your emotionally distressed, raw, “immature” self.)

You are asking:

hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

Hm… it’s not really about finding the right person. Because you admitted that there was nothing really wrong with your most recent girlfriend, and yet you didn’t want the relationship. You backed off because for you, it’s scary, intimate relationships are scary…

And I think it’s because you believe you need to be perfect, both in terms of career/money earning ability (your father’s conditioning), and emotional “maturity” and strength (your mother’s conditioning).

And that IS scary!

If you believe that intimate relationship requires total perfection, of course it is intimidating. And hard work. And impossible to achieve.

But what if it only took for you to show up as you are? And let her show up as she is? Nothing more than that… no hard work, no pressure, no urge to perfect yourself (or her)…. Just letting yourself be, with all your good and bad sides? Because you are good enough…

What do you think? About adopting a new blueprint/new vision for an intimate relationship?

 

Haha I’m actually surprised with your ability to use words on point, But you’re right and I understand your point. I’m trying to be my true self and showing the vulnerability. I don’t think I need to be perfect 100% but yeah not sure for now it’s the healthy drive to strive or still a perfectionist inside me. Also I’m not judgy like I used to be. Before I’d be like hmm this person and labels them now I try to understand first and I don’t try to fix them or at least urge to fix them is gone.

Hola Tee,

Did you feel some competition with him? Did your father compare you to him? Because I was thinking that perhaps one of the reasons you didn’t have many friends is that your father stressed competition, he was always comparing you to other kids, and perhaps that’s why you didn’t like them or you felt resentment towards them?

Well Since Primary school to High School I was a top student. So not really competition there and as soon as I got in college and more like nearly adult-teenage era I started seeing competition. And it was so bad like I felt all at once and started studying something just because it was considered “In Demand” But I had no interest and on top of that I felt competition from the classmates like they knew what they’re doing and also topping the class. And for the first time ever I had less marks in 2 subjects in my 1^st semester. And failed in math in 2^nd semester, And Even though I knew that I didn’t gave it my all it felt so bad.. Yet still I continued for 4 semester and then decided to leave the collage and directly start working. Because even though my father and grandfather didn’t told me on the face I did knew they were disappointed because they felt like we are paying your for your living and college in the city and you’re not giving us the “results”. And the thing is that I would be able to ask my father like I don’t like this degree and I want to do another degree that I like but I didn’t wanted to be burden at all. So I started working and living on my own. First they said no you won’t be able to do it but after a month or so they agreed with me because I told them little later. There has been many times I had to lie to my family just for example when I didn’t had a job I didn’t said anything to my family for months. And even helped them financially even though it put me in debt.

Right, because the love you’ve experienced from your father was very conditional. He only showed you love when you were the best in class – everything else was not good enough. Whenever you made a mistake (like when handing him the wrong tool), he didn’t show you love. So… his love was very conditional.

I’d say your mom’s love was limited, same as my father’s, because they didn’t protect us. They gaslighted us and minimized the problem. That too wasn’t a strong, unquestionable love, the kind of love you can really trust.

Because if I understood well, your mom showed you love and tenderness when you could forgive your father and be “mature” about it, but she was sad and worried when you couldn’t, right? In a way, she was sending you the message that you are only acceptable if you forgive and endure your father’s abuse… (I am not claiming this, please correct me if I am wrong).

Yes it was may be conditional even though all I thought parents love is always unconditional towards their children but I guess there always some expectations. But It did impacted my emotional patterns like for giving or even accepting love.
Yeah about my mom that maybe right and it kinda have adverse effect too. With pros and cons. I don’t get angry and react harshly at the moment also turned out to be very forgiving nature, but as a cons I don’t raise my voice when I should, which is really important thing in career you know

I guess I did hear things like that in my teenage like “people are just there for their means”

Did your parents use to say that?

My grandfather preciously. My grandfather was like in village head group. So he seen lot of people in lot of situations. He did helped lot of people though. But after a while he be like “people are there for their means” when they forget.
And the thing is it impacted me somehow but not on a deeper level. I still believe I should help people if I can and don’t expect anything from them in return. Even gratitude. I’m doing it just because I can and I want to. Even though I been around colleagues who thought that uplifting others means they would stay in lower class

If we get attached, and the person leaves us or betrays us, it hurts more.

Yeah I guess the one of my fear too, and like hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

For example, if we felt conditionally loved, we may believe that our partner will only love us if we earn enough money. Or they will only love us if we are perfect, if we never show any weakness.

Hmm that’s right but don’t you think it should be something like in levels? Eg. Like I can’t expect my partner to focus on their fitness if I myself is lazy. And I know normally money shouldn’t be the scale but from the current generation it is somewhat seen respectable. Because it shows hmm this guys knows his financial and he can provide. It’s kinda natural instinct for them.

Does loving hard mean to work hard on the relationship? To have a relationship which feels like a project?

Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (she can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something good)?

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too. Like I would force her to sleep on time because less sleep would affect her mood next day. I always tried to surprise her, write for her and make her happy and noted even little things that would make cause her pain. And even accepted lot of things that I wouldn’t usually accept. Like no video calling for a very long time and just text. So yeah I was kind of perfectionist towards her. But another thing is I didn’t do it to impress her. But I felt I wanted to do it because I cared for her a lot.

Bonjour Tee,

Yaaaaay! I am so happy for you!!! It sounds like your dream job: the field you are passionate about, fully remote (as you wanted), and well paid. That’s amazing, SereneWolf. Well done!!!

Thank you! I believe all the people who helped me to be sane in tough times deserve big thanks from me as well. And you’re one of them Tee!

Although because it’s been so damn long my mind just giving me doubts and fears even though I finally did it so I’m not able to celebrate it with all my senses!

I understand that the wait and the rejections you’ve experienced (I know about one – were there more?) were exhausting and wearing you down, making you doubt yourself and all that. But you did it after all! It was worth the wait!!

I actually started losing hope and faith after being resilient for so long, but finally it’s all worth it now.

I hope you can relax now and take it all in, and properly celebrate. Give yourself a big pat at on the back, like a good father, or Uncle Iroh, would give to his young protege after a job well done. You’ve deserved it, SereneWolf, and you can be proud of yourself.

Yes I’m trying but my mind is already planning like look now try to do this first, fix that thing and after that do another. like I have to manage my finances, travel planning and also learning new things about sustainability. and just generally my mind is being very doubtful about if I’ll be able to do those things.

I remember you mentioned that you love to dance while preparing meals… so here is an idea for celebration: make yourself a nice, healthy meal, put on some music and dance while cooking! 🙂

Haha you know me well that’s actually what I did! 😁

And enjoy!

Okay, so you believe you need to achieve the same as someone else, and then if you don’t, you beat yourself up, you feel bad about yourself (I feel guilty), and then your performance gets even worse (I procrastinate a lot).

Comparison with others is something you were exposed to during your entire childhood: both your father and your grandfather were comparing you with other kids all the time, right? And now you are doing it to yourself. You’ve internalized your father and grandfather’s voice and it became a part of your inner critic. So comparing yourself to others is another way of telling yourself “I am not good enough/successful enough/rich enough/high on the ladder enough”.

That’s why you “feel like times is passing too fast” (the title of your thread) – because there is a pressure to perform, to achieve, to push, push, push… because someone else is doing it better and faster than you.

Would you agree with that?

Yes I agree with that and thanks for that reminder again. I need to write this down again because apparently I do need this same reminder repeatedly time to time.

 

Comparing ourselves to others is very toxic – it doesn’t motivate us but makes us feel like a failure. It’s not like a positive encouragement, but it always comes with a lot of self-judgment. And it eventually prevents us from thriving, because we feel like a failure, and so we self-sabotage.

So my suggestion is to stop the comparison. See it for what it is: a toxic feature of your inner critic, something you’ve learned from your father and grandfather.

There is a great youtube video “How to stop comparing yourself to others“, which just popped up in my feed, by Therapy in a nutshell. She says some fantastic things, e.g. that by comparing ourselves to others, we believe that our worth is dependent on how we score compared to others, how many people are above us or below us on the “ranking list”. And this always lead to disappointment because someone will always be better and more successful than us.

Bottom line: by comparing ourselves to others we are allowing our worth (which is inherent) to be dependent on external factors. And we are setting ourselves up for failure.

Yes! You’re right that’s why one of the reasons I’m using LinkedIn much less than before. Mainly for communication and network building. Because it would give me that “ranking list” pressure even more

A better approach, she says, is to focus on integrity (living in accordance to your true values) rather than comparison. Here is an example: if we want to lose weight, the comparison mindset would say “Oh, Martha is in a such a great shape. I have to lose weight already!” Whereas the integrity mindset would say “My health is important to me. I will cut down on junk food and exercise more, because I want to be healthy.”

I found this pretty cool: integrity mindset vs comparison mindset. Never heard it described this way, and loved it!

Anyway, just wanted to share this…

Thanks for the example I guess one way or another subconsciously I am comparing myself with others and I agree and “living in accordance to your true values” I did journal about this quite a while ago and I put lot of thought into that but so many things came up yet I still wrote it down. So I believe (not 100% sure) that my core values are Freedom, Simplicity, Honesty and Altruism…with added Open mindedness, Adventure, Wisdom, Faith and Inner peace. But how can I be sure what are my true values?

How have you been? I hope you are fine…

Well, Healthwise I’m doing alright but last week when I went for donate my blood, they gave me this report and told me that I have to gain my weight and hemoglobin %

And Idk what’s happening, because I’m rarely eating out and 99% of the time I’m having home cooked meals mostly full of green vegetables curries.

How about you? In your condition healthy food can make a difference?

Hi Tee,

I can imagine how excessive self-reliance is depleting you quickly. And then you blame yourself when you’re burnt out and haven’t succeeded in your (Herculean) task. You’re expecting a lot (too much) of yourself, you give yourself (too) big tasks, and then you’re putting yourself down when you don’t succeed. Would you agree with that?

I mean I don’t know if I’m expecting a lot and I might be comparing myself with others here like others are already doing it then I can do it too. So I tell myself it’s doable. Because I think some people are dealing with more things than me yet still reaching their goals and finishing tasks then I can do it too. And whenever I try to give excuses to myself about something I feel guilty and yet still lot of times I procrastinate a lot.

Yeah, your lack of trust has developed gradually, with your parents (and I guess other adults too, like your grandfather?), in your childhood. And it remained a blueprint for how you view all other relationships. Even if you meet kind and loving people, your core belief (“I cannot trust people”) will be still working in your subconscious and will make you guarded and cautious.

Yes, we can change our modus operandi. A part of it is changing our false core beliefs. Mine would be “I am helpless”. Yours would be “I have to rely on myself”.

I agree it makes me remember our conversation about old beliefs and I guess therapy did helped a bit but not very significant. And just I’m not seeing therapist anymore. I do try to journaling and work on removing my old beliefs and rooted fears. What kind of things that I can do to remove my old beliefs and rooted fears more efficient way? Kinda like rewiring our brain you know

Yeah, I think the key issue for my father was his own upbringing with a “martyr” covert narcissistic mother and him always suppressing his needs to trying to make his mother happy. That was what formed him. And my mother was a similar “martyr” (in her own eyes), though not narcissistic. But his dynamic was similar: trying to please and appease his mother, and later his wife. So there was no way he would stand up for himself. I mean, he did have success in his career, but he was pretty suppressed at home.

For your mother, she was perhaps financially dependent on your father as well, so that came into play as well? And the whole patriarchy thing, which I guess was still strong while you were growing up, right? So I can see why it might have been more difficult for her to standup for herself than it was for my father.

Ah similar because my mother is also suppressed at home. It’s not like before but still yeah. And yeah patriarchy thing is really strong in small village environment.

No, I don’t believe I am unworthy any more, but I still have a lot of procrastination when it comes to my career and the things I’d like to achieve. It’s like I am frozen a bit. And having all these health issues, and worrying about them, isn’t helping either: it makes me worry about it and ruminate and I end up feeling paralyzed. Like, I know what I want, but I am not working towards it.

It’s related to my childhood “freeze” I think, where my mother feared too much for me and was the happiest when I was by her side, in “safety”. Riding a bike was seen as risky by her, so my parents never bought me a bike and I never learned how to ride (I think I’ve told you that already). So it’s this “deep freeze”, deep fear of facing challenges.

Ah I see, I know it’s not easy for you but have you ever tried being a reckless child at this age? Like I don’t care what happens to me I want to do it means I want to do it. I guess because concerned and matured adult would think and ruminate a lot. Reckless child wouldn’t. and who knows you can get good results although it’s something really out of your comfort zone but something that you can try and feel like you got the power.

And once you got taste of that feeling I guess your fear and anxiety would slowly disappear.

Yeah, it seems your sense of not being good enough manifests in you pushing yourself above the limits, expecting too much of yourself (and believing you need to do it all by yourself). Whereas for me, I am not pushing myself at all, I am frozen. Again, we have the opposite reaction to a similar injury…

It’s like you would need to tell yourself: “I am good enough and I am doing enough“. And I would need to tell myself “I am good enough and I can do this next step.” Perhaps 🙂

 

Haha yeah, you’re right. Well, we got to try. Right!?