Hi Divani Girl – I just wanted to chime in. I came to the TinyBuddha forums SPECIFICALLY to read about and get advice on having a boyfriend leave you for an arranged marriage. It’s tough. I am not from the culture (anglo Canadian) and guess I have a very, very different view on love than some other cultures. That has been one of my takeaways. Another, which it appears you’ve already realized, is to put a time limit on things and take control of your life. My situation went on too long. I had a lot of red flags and should’ve considered my own wellbeing before someone else. But I think it’s part of being a women to do this, unfortunately.

I was with my guy for two years. It was intense. This is a common theme I’ve read with these types of “situationships”. I feel the men specifically set out to make it intense because they know it will be short-lived. Whereas you moved to a new city, I just had the life changing event of a parent dying. When I met this guy, he made me feel good again and brought me out of a deep, deep depression. For that I was thankful. Ironic then that he then led me to my next one. ha ha That’s another thing I had a hard time getting over … my guy lied to me. He played with my emotions for two years until I uncovered a Shaadi.com profile of him. When I confronted him, he said some very hurtful things and then I broke it off. He tried getting in contact with me afterwards but I remained firm (however, I did once let him know how much he hurt me; I needed him to know that). I later found out he got married two months later. I will never know if there was something going on while he was with me. That mystery haunts me.

It’s been just over a year now … I still hurt. I still miss him. But part of me realizes I just miss how he made me feel and not him as a person. I hope you get to that.

I refuse to accept that this is purely cultural. These men are not forced to do this, they CHOOSE to because it’s the easy thing to do. You sound like a great person and I truly hope you one day realize your value and worth AND I hope you find a partner that reciprocates your love. That, in a nutshell, is all I want in life. We both deserve it.

Cherisse – I am late to this thread but your comments inspired me to sign up for an account here just to comment (and hopefully connect with you).

Your story is so, so similar to mine and it felt good to read about someone else’s experience with this atrocity. I do agree that it is betrayal and that it is irresponsible. I have read on other sites about women wanting to commit suicide because of this. That enrages me because I don’t believe there is any remorse on the part of the perpetrator. The more rational part of me doesn’t want to paint the entire country with a negative brush but it is hard not to. This culture both fascinates me and repulses me. I hate to say that, but I need to be honest and depict the depth of how my own situation has hurt me.

I was with my Indian “boyfriend” for almost two years. At first he wanted it to just be casual, telling me he had no time to be in a relationship (it was true that he worked a lot as his parents expected him to send money back home to them). Then the excuses became “I need to establish myself before being a relationship”. Yes, at this point I should have run but I had recently gone through a very traumatic life event and his company meant so much to me that it clouded my judgement.

Anyway, he went to India for his brother’s wedding and when he came back, he changed. He seemed to want a relationship. He asked me to marry him (four times). Our conversations became so much deeper. I was really falling in love and he did express this to me too. Until I did some snooping online one day and discovered a Shaadi.com profile he had. I waited to confront him for a bit. Thought it may have been old. Then when I saw activity on it, I brought it up. He became a completely different person, telling me he never had feelings for me and that I shouldn’t be upset with him because I “sleep with a lot of men” (which I don’t). After telling me that he flirts with a lot of girls in a similar manner, he then changed his tune to “I come from a good family” and “I need you to believe I am a good person”, pleading for my forgiveness. It was the most bizarre three hours of my life, like a manic episode. I just sat silent, let him leave and then ceased contact. He ended up flying back to India and getting married two months later. I don’t know how fast it was arranged but this will always bother me. That I may have been with someone already committed to someone else. The feeling disgusts me. It also disgusts me to think that someone could have been with me for two years and then marry someone else at the drop of a hat. Being with an Indian is not good for one’s self esteem.

I have much, much more to tell but … I will let someone contact me personally if they want more of my truth. All I can say to anyone reading this, as you are probably in the same situation, is run. RUN. RUN. RUN. These men will only hurt you. If you wish to stay, then demand to know what the future holds and, if possible, meet family. Do not lose your heart to an Indian. They do not view love in the same way as we do.