I’ve been following this thread for awhile and just wanted to say … I sincerely hope you have informed your current girlfriend about all this (or have broken up with her in order to pursue your ex, which you are with the invite to go to the dunes). There’s been so much drama involved in this already that I don’t feel it would be fair to drag her into this as well. She is an innocent bystander in your pursuit of fancy. You owe her that much. Don’t treat her as a safety net.

I’d also like to add that this is sounding like another post I was recently in … I don’t think this man has deep feelings for YOU as a person. You could probably be interchangeable with anyone else. What this man loves is the attention, gifts and money you lavish on him. He reached out to you to see if he could get a reply to stroke his ego. He got it and is now satisfied. You deserve more than that. This whole relationship is one-sided and not in your favour.

I’m going to say something you probably don’t want to hear … this guy knows you used him and the only reason you want him back is because someone else expressed interest. I would be insulted too, to be honest. You can’t spend seven years with someone and then tell them “we are not official”, then beg for them back because they are pursuing something they wanted all along.

I do enter this thread with bias—I was with someone of a different cultural background for two years. He played with my emotions in a similar fashion and it was incredibly hurtful. I personally think you need to leave this guy alone. If there are religious/cultural differences and that is important to your family, it may never work out anyway.

Here is my story of how one can fall for a manipulative person and the reflection it took to realize why it happened.

In July of 2014, my father passed away at the age of 63 to terminal cancer. It was fast. I barely had time to really understand what was happening before he was gone. After this I entered a depression. I was not in a relationship at the time. I hadn’t been for a few years and just felt really sad, lost and alone. I mention this because I don’t know if you were going through a similar situation/feeling when you met your person. It may have inhibited your judgment.

A few months later, I met “D”. D was originally from India; I am from Canada with no prior knowledge of their culture. We instantly clicked. He was very flirtatious, made me feel appreciated and I fell deeply. HAVING SAID THAT, I also did have red flags. My intuition told me something wasn’t right. In retrospect, he was always demanding of my time and attention on HIS schedule but rarely reciprocated when I was in need. He would become cold and even abusive at times. I would constantly get excuses from him. I broke things off several times but always returned within a week or two. He was in my life, but not fully in my life. I didn’t complain though because, again, he was helping me out of my depression. Or so I thought.

Fast forward a bit, two years to be exact. He started to get serious and asked me for marriage. Again, there were some red flags but I told him “if you ask me seriously, then I will answer seriously”. He told me he was. I started to actually feel like this might lead to something. Maybe it would be a happy ever after. That is when my intuition told me to become a Russian spy and I did some sleuthing (as anyone should before they get too serious; in this day and age, it’s not difficult to do). I discovered that he had an online profile on a marriage website (Indians don’t really date; they just get married to someone after interacting a few times). I confronted him and from there he told me that he flirted with a lot of girls and that I meant nothing to him. He would only marry a nice Indian girl of his parent’s choosing. He then got mad at me and told me to never tell anyone what happened. After I said he was a horrible human being for what he did to me, he became apologetic and basically begged me to keep him in my life. It was an emotional whirlwind.

But I was done. It was hard—very hard—for me to just let go of something I invested two years in. For the longest time I felt conflicted between heart and mind. My heart felt love … but my mind knew it didn’t exist as I imagined it. I’m just over a year out now, I realize it was just that … missing something that didn’t actually exist within HIM but that existed within ME (Anita mentions this too). I don’t miss him or want him back. He was a jerk that took advantage of someone during a low point in their life. What I miss is the companionship. The attention. I missed the feeling of belonging. D filled this void that was left by my father’s death. But I can find that with someone else. D didn’t love me. That is the bare minimum of what I – and YOU – deserve in a relationship. The person you describe does not love you, they love your attention (which is why they want it on their schedule and by their rules). A person who loves you would be more understanding of your situation and not punish you the way he has.

This is going to hurt for awhile, I won’t lie. But it will hurt more in the future if you allow the manipulation to continue. You will feel even less of a person. In a relationship, you need an equal.

Try to remain strong. And if you need to vent more, I am listening. 🙂

It’s not going to be easy but you need to stay the course. I would text him stating that you’ve reconsidered and feel that it would be in both your best interests to end the relationship and move on. But then you need to mean it. You should focus on other things (perhaps your kids or other hobbies). Delete his number. This man is manipulative and the more you continue, the more it will hurt in the future. I wish you luck.

If I’m reading this correctly, you were together for only three months. I’m sorry but I think what you felt was intense lust, not love. I would also like to agree with the advice given by Airene in that you were presented with numerous red flags about this guy that I find troubling, most of which is how he is treating you now. For someone that was so desperate to claim you just a short while ago, he sure did turn off rather quickly. I think he’s the type of person that loves CONTROL over someone, nothing else.

I’m sensing that he is a narcissistic personality and that it would be best for you to cut your losses and move on now before things get worse. Trust me.

As someone who has dated someone from a different culture that doesn’t accept intercultural (or intercaste, etc.) relationships, I can only provide advice from someone on the opposite side. I do think this has more to do with those differences than anything else and that is unfortunate, especially since you write about your boyfriend being loving and accepting of you like no other. In my opinion, he has done nothing wrong but simply be a human being.

You need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for and potentially being disowned for? At 23, I think you are too young to make that decision. However, will you meet someone as good for you as this guy again? Potentially not. But that is the risk you take. What you can do immediately is discuss your cultural “responsibilities” and “expectations” with your boyfriend. You need to be upfront and honest that there might not be a future with you. Yes, this is hard but he doesn’t deserve being led on to think that this is something more than is possible. As someone who has been deceived in that manner, I can tell you that it hurts in a unique way. I felt used and dehumanized for a significant period of time. It has affected how I view love and how trusting I am with others. I didn’t deserve that and nor does your boyfriend.

I know the situation can be different with different cultures but at 23, I view you as an adult. You should be financially independent and able to make your own decisions in life.

I got burned pretty bad in a similar situation. I had been single for a long time and just craved sex. I happened to meet someone one night, we hit it off and a FWB situation ensued. I eventually realized that I did want more and was saddened when he originally didn’t. He then changed the script and started playing with my feelings to, I suspect, keep me around. To this day, I am confused as to whether he was being real with me or not; we were together for almost two years and I can’t comprehend why someone would toy with someone for that long. The night it ended, he was so cold and unfeeling towards me that it killed my self-esteem and permanently changed my perspective on love itself. I have never been so hurt.

I believe that feelings will eventually be had by one party in this type of situation. After all, sex is the most intimate act two human beings can be engaged in. As someone else commented, we aren’t robots. And, as they also commented, regardless of how he is dismissing the situation, you DID have a relationship with him. It was primarily a sexual one, but a relationship existed. At the end, my guy kept correcting me informing me that we weren’t “seeing each other” and to not tell people as such. It is disrespectful, dehumanizing and just plain cruel to belittle someone’s existence and the shared experience in that way.

It has taken me a year and I am just building myself up again to feeling deserving of something more than just being a body to someone. Some people can handle that; I cannot. I do appreciate reading about other people’s experience with this though as it makes me feel less alone in the universe. My only advice is to not question your worth. You are deserving of better treatment than you wrote about.