My grammar is fairly atrocious in this, sorry.  An afterthought, even if you didn’t voice your anger, you felt it and acknowledged it, you recognised it was there to keep you safe from a dodgy person.  You don’t even have to say anything to that person if you don’t feel comfortable.  You might be able to be happy your inner self protected you by creating that emotion that caused you to feel a great distance between you and that person.  It served its purpose, that anger you felt, it took care of you.  The other emotions felt afterward, it growing into rage etc, they’ve got nothing to do with the initial feeling of anger you got, the protective emotion to keep you away from that person.  Those other emotions are protective too, the inner child trying to keep you safe, only you are away from the dangers she faced and don’t need to be kept safe in that way any more.  So even those emotions are protective, just now you can protect yourself, and you don’t need protecting from your mother any more.

I googled different areas of the British-spelling parts of the world when it rained a lot.. nothing conclusive came up.

LLolll. Your stalker talents aren’t as up there as they need to be. Luckily for me the weather has had a change of heart.

Powerless Default Emotion (PDE, just made it up). 

PDE works for me. Excellent acrinom.

Jeez. The other employer (most senior one) phoned me, outside of hours, to say it was noticed I wasn’t in the highest of spirits leaving and that they don’t want me to feel like any of the things going on at work were my errors. In the midst of calming myself and getting my brain blocks in order, which I was doing okay with too, but that helped. They need to make their minds up! I think I’m going to maybe have to say something. I did say that if I make an error to tell me about it at the time rather than saving them up for months and loading me up with them. They did that, two errors in six months, that were genuinely errors when you deal with that much data occasionally two letters can get swapped around in your brain. Not errors I could go, ‘oh yes, if course, I did that wrong or omitted to do it, etc, errors where 502 and 505 got muddled up. And they get very upset about errors, so two was quite astounding!

Aaah well. Onwards and upwards. I would prefer to be able to emotionally leave something like that with the ill informed person who’s responsible for it, but Mr take away is I didn’t fall apart, only felt a bit stressed. PDE didn’t get to rule the situation.

I’ll wait to read about your events surrounding this.

I now remember that shortly after I asked you if you use dressing on your salad, her (you know whose) disapproving, judgmental and accusatory voice said: of course she does not, dressing is for people like you who don’t appreciation elegant flavors! something like that. She was so very judgmental about people on an ongoing basis: too short, too tall, too thin, too … too loud, too quiet, what they wear, how they wear it, etc., and all this before passing judgment on what they say.

I could have written this. Not about dressing but about so many things. I think I’m the ugliest misshapen person in the world thanks her. I didn’t think I should have accepted my bonus the other week because of her. I don’t ask for help or accept it because of her. I can’t relax in social settings because of her constant criticism, that dialogue. The one where, on the odd occasion I tried to tell her how much it hurt me, she slammed me on the face with ‘it’s true though.’

 I felt unusually calm one day, I think it was yesterday

The two steps forwards one back, only usually it’s one step forward and nine back, but one is better than them all being backwards!

Thank you for your message on my thread, I like it very much. As a matter of fact, it is making me smile right now, for the first time this Saturday morning.

Every word is the truth so believe it.

I am going to close this post with saying: it is possible that I will later scan this message in my mind, looking for something I might have said… 

I hope you didn’t! There is no need to. Even if we disagree on something, each of our opinions, etc, are totally valid and worthy, and neither of us intend on hurting the other. Believe in this. If there are hurt feelings we both know ourselves, we can evaluate our own personal reaction, and share with the other how we felt if we need to. We live, love, do, and think differently and that’s okay! I understand the fear of losing someone, even someone I chat to online with, and imagine adventures of bear sized awesomeness. But what’s more important is that you know that if I was that easily offended, and didn’t give you the decency of an explanation, that would be on me; that would be a massive defect in me, not you. You’re more important than someone’s super sensitive reaction to something you don’t even know you said. If I believe that, so should you, and stop worrying yourself! Get out there and chase a bear, will ya? 😂

I’m a little anxious about how I’m going to spread myself between all the work. First week in and it’s okay so far – ha, second day is so much proof it’ll be fine. I’m focusing on hopefully being able to save towards my big thing I want.

Hey! I might fit right in, in your wild wild west! I don’t have a gun but I loved western movies when I was a kid. That’s a nice memory. My grandfather put them on the tv and we watched them together.

How are you going? Don’t feel shy about sharing you and your life, I’m not judgemental. But also I understand not putting too much out there.

I had a wonderful weekend. Had one progeny here who lives a lot less far away than used to, but still almost a country away, and another with their partner who lives locally. They’re wonderful progeny. I sometimes don’t know how the f*#$ I got so lucky. The youngest that moved to go father’s was the exactly the same so it was an utter shock he went. He messaged again too. It’s an odd emotional roller-coaster but I anticipated it would be. Oddly my emotions aren’t super intense, so no huge intense happiness and no enormous fall when he hasn’t responded and it’s days later.

Have a lovely cup of something and put your feet up. One of the progeny and I went through a mulled wine stage, we’d make it ourselves. I can imagine us sitting around a fire, late in the evening, with our mugs of sweet spicy bliss. No bears, thanks!

Sad Soul Matters!

So do you 🌻

she helped herself to you (see my thread).

There’s a fine line between supporting and drowning. I don’t think she has the vaguest idea what she was doing and even the tiniest bit of mentioning how she affected me would result in a huge emotional breakdown. I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was doing either, just felt stretched, stressed, not good enough, selfish, incompetent, and frustrated. It’s a blessing I don’t have it to deal with now. Another situation where I miss the idea not the reality!

I’m hearing sittin’ on the dock of a bay, watching the tide roll away. I love old music. I have the best of radio station on in my car that has little old people as it’s announcers. They pick the best music.

Monday night, I hear Sad Soul knocking on the door: Sadsoul, I say, You are here!  You are welcome here, Sad Soul! Here, you can sleep in this spare bedroom, see you in the morning, special breakfast for you. I promise!

So good you don’t have the base ball bat out in case the knock on the door is your online stalker 😂

I have a spare room at up in anticipation also. I look forward to special breakfast. I had coffee, so health 😂 but there was also lovely salad from my favourite salad bar for lunch. I’d take you there for a delicious lunch so I could enjoy your company because my whole life I’ve been in the kitchen making beautiful meals missing out on the people. I’m changing that and offloading chores so I can enjoy beautiful people 🌹

Re-asked: is it okay for me, SadSoul, to give myself permission to feel okay about things as they are, permission to no longer suffer?

I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction

meaning that feeling hurt by your children is not followed by feeling anger at them?

On the odd occasion I felt a flash of anger at them. I think I’m having the smallest seeds of, not exactly anger, but I think my son is very selfish and spoilt to have done this. Maybe gutless because he wanted to do things that he knows aren’t good choices so he chose the road he’d get to be able to do them. But he’s a child, well, not a child but not an adult, so his choices are normal. Just that usually progeny have responsible parents to ensure they can’t act out their impulsive desires. Also place some blame on his father for being so useless he has no idea. But at this moment my heart is not weighed down with any of them

still wondering what it is, curious, curious me.

One day 😂 it’s not all that exciting but it’s my passion and according to someone I spoke to yesterday is the most dangerous sport answer when you play trivia. No idea because I don’t play trivia but I’ve been broken a few times so it certainly isn’t totally safe

trapped in..?

Trapped in the friendship. I loved her but I didn’t need her in the way she needed me. I had counselling when my marriage broke up and the counsellor gave me literature on narcissistic disorder to help me understand me and her, and hopefully find ways to reclaim that part of my life. This was before the term became a popular throw away description for every nasty person in your life. I read it, and it made me sad that my friend suffered with so many insecurities, and relied on attention to feel valuable enough to be able to cope. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, just it would be very hard to be trapped with yourself suffering that personality disorder. Especially when you believe any kind of counselling is abhorrent. I was the perfect yin to her yang, unable to say no, no matter how ludicrous her needs were. So there you have it, doormat SadSoul was the perfect match for her needy, demanding friend who couldn’t find a way to fill her soul up, so she filled it up with me. A no was life threatening for her, so she’d go into survival mode, desperately creating situations and devastation, so that I had to say yes, and I always did

I sprayed the dog, not the owner (who was there, yelling at his dog). This reminds me of the lyrics to a song I like: I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.

I love that song! I’m glad the owner was yelling at his dog. Still, there are ways of making sure your dog doesn’t attack someone, like having it on a leash maybe? I’m being judgy, the owner might not encounter people in his travels so never had this situation arise, so many things that don’t need judgement

I wish I could say I went to the city but I’m in it 😔 not an enormous city but it’s on the way to being enormous. I wish I had the courage to move, but finding work, moving, re-establishing, and all the stress that goes with it is terrifying. I barely have my feet on the ground now, moving would probably push me back to that deep place of misery
<p style=”text-align: left;”>It’s raining. So surprising. I’m going to have to take my washing in and wash it again, I think</p>
See you soon! In this land of cyber just in case that made you feel stalked and you were worrying about me knocking on your door 😂 😂 😂 😂

I used to make sunflowers and pumpkin seeds toasted in tamari. Very yummy on salads but even yummier on a spoon 😂

this though just occurred to me in regard to unanswered questions is: what if you are asking (yourself) the wrong questions.. and that’s why they aren’t being answered..?

I’m intrigued. What questions do you think I should be asking?

In regard to loving him and hurting so much, the thought that occurred to me was: love is not supposed to hurt. A third occurring thought (I am counting): it’s not love that hurts.

In this case it’s the loss that hurts. But yes, in my life love usually amounted to hurt. I have to occasionally stop myself when I look at someone I love and separate the two emotions and get my head straight on them, but mainly I don’t think I love many people anymore, I don’t trust them enough.

I found my children inspired nothing but the deepest love and no hurt. I do see that as they get older, and become adults they also hurt me, by the fact that they choose things that are selfish and hurtful. I think my love for my children is the one love that is fairly healthy though, it’s separate from hurt rather than dependant on it. But I do sometimes feel overly hurt – not confused with my love for them though. Isn’t that odd?

I had the loveliest most amazing couple of hours doing my favourite thing. I’m also learning maintenance on the running of my ‘equipment‘ so had a successful effort at that too. I have a couple of acquaintances I occasionally do my sport with and I joined one of them. The sun’s golden fingers stretched its light ahead of us as we returned. I’m going to work on refining my technique the next little while so it becomes a safer activity!

Oh how easily the soul finds a little happiness when the body is cared for. I’m having trouble sleeping, in a lot of Iain lately, but I’m turning the light out earlier and trying. I’m eating better than I had gotten into the habit of too. When I’m rested and fed well I can manage the other things so much better.

How are you, dear Anita? I have a lovely golden sunlight moment on my porch, a pot of whatever your heart desires, no biscuits I’m afraid, but a bit of company to see the day in or out.

Oh! I had a dream about my one friend who held onto me so tightly and then dumped me after 20 years. She was forcing me to do something, like she did in our friendship, and I felt just like I did for much of the times in our friendship. Weird and vivid. I’ve had a couple of vivid dreams about people I loved deeply, but my leading emotions in these dreams were hurt, and being trapped, and devastating disappointment. I think there’s something going on there…

Onwards and upwards though.