or both? When you are awake at night, where does your brain go?

Both. My brain goes around in circles about things that I’m upset about, or worried about, and when it can’t think about things specifically it kind of goes on repeat thinking the same stupid thing round and round. Hard to explain!

I have trouble staying asleep and when I am up at night, I think. I prefer to think about happenings in the forums over real-life.

I wonder if the forums are your escape? Real life is so hard to carry, but here I feel I can practise living the way I want to without the background noise of life pulling me down? I find my thoughts are provoked on here, and because I’m not confronted with life I can think and adjust and yes it is good! Now I sound low I’m different in real life, and I’m not. But life has a way of pushing me off balance and it’s easy to go to default mode when I’m overwhelmed. Here it’s quiet and full of good words, I find myself thinking much more clearly, and then I can supply it (mostly 😂) in my days. Anyway, whatever it is for you, I think it’s good to have a place to take your mind to other (better) places.

Then a smile: REALLY, me.. beautiful? (2nd response). Then: taking a moment to let this sentiment linger, having the image of baby-me that I remember from an old photo, reaching out to her through decades back in time, seeing her as beautiful. Oh, baby anita, I say to her: you are beautiful! I didn’t know.

Sending you another dose of beautiful you. I’m not bullsh*tt*ng. Every single child is beautiful. Adults wreck it for them by not loving, nurturing, and guiding them. I’m still surprised at how you remained loyal to her till adulthood. Also a bit sad my son, not massively abused, couldn’t have a bit more of that. But he never had your reasons to. Oh Anita, I hope you carry the above with you for the rest of your life, that you were and are beautiful.

I’m not surprised you acted protectively of her. I did the same growing up and even in adulthood. Firstly protective of my mother, even though I didn’t know her or even what she looked like, then protective of my father when I finally knew my mother and had her telling me every bad thing she could think of about him. I don’t think he was quite the person she made him out to be, but she got some of it right. Only no parent should badmouth the other parent to their child. They chose that person and the child is half that person. In affect the child is being belittled and destroyed by those words because those words are them.

I think you did a really good job of standing up for your mother. I think you’d be a force of nature if you stood up for someone / something you are protecting today! Your mother was blessed to have you even if she never saw it. I think I’ll adopt young you – yes, I know this is impossible, but imagine it. Then you’d only have to focus on protecting important things like stray kittens and causes like the environment. I’d protect you from the big things like being hungry and bullies! And we’d have friends (yours and mine and ours) over for morning tea, and we’d spend hours making yummy cakes and triangle sandwiches for them and ourselves to enjoy, and we’d celebrate how happy it made them to have a place of honour in our home. We wouldn’t ever criticise them because they’re our friends. We wouldn’t have people in our home who weren’t friends either.

Aaah the imagines 🌼

I slept fairly sh*t too. I think, apart from the emotional side, my sporting fail used a few muscles I’m now having to live with 😂

I was thinking on how much the ripples of knowing you (notknowing but you know what I mean?) mean in my day. I eagerly check my inbox both ends of the day for a piece of wisdom and thoughtfulness. So it’s been working for a while now, those ripples 🌻

Gigantic hugs and happiness for your evening!

I wish I could inject it into my heart. My stomach churned and felt sick all day, because I fell into my default response to life, that I’m a failure. It wasn’t fun. So in the end I went and did my sport for an hour or so for some positive reinforcement. EG: if you don’t die it’s positive 😂

I’ve been a bit sad not hearing from my son to add to feeling failed. I miss him a very enormous large gigantic mammoth amount.

How are you doing? As I sit for a moment, listening to the birds sing their beautiful songs, and the sun gives up some of its warmth on my face.

Our eyes are open at the same time for once! I need to sleep though 😂 I’m exhausted.

I like this: to understand what is true and real. 

I do this a lot with my sport, looking at my surroundings and focusing on them rather than the stories in my head, the worries and fears that also have a place but get away from me if I don’t keep myself centred in what is, rather than what if. I’m not explaining it well. I’ve been hurt in the past doing it so I carry fear when I do it, I have to tackle the fear in order to be safe, and a lot of that is being tuned into what is true and real. Only I never thought to look at it like that.

I’ve been thinking a lot on the posts in your other thread. What is true and real. The words I needed to describe what I’m trying to do, after reading them. I’m trying to untangle myself from my parents’ affects on me and my whole life. To give a stupid example, only it’s not stupid because it’s hurt me my whole adult life, my mother is very critical of my appearance, how I walk, how I hold my mouth, how I dress… I hate how I look, worry about how I walk and hold my mouth, you name it I’m insecure (hurt etc) by it. I’m trying to disengage myself from it. What is true and real is so true! Her meanness is true and real. I would never say such meanness to my children, to anyone. In actual fact, how someone walks, talks, dresses, I don’t think about it because why would I? I’m not that mean. I don’t have that horrible of an outlook. I don’t even notice things like that.

I just wrote a big reply and when trying to find the path button closed the page on my phone. I’m quite disappointed about this but I’m going to assume it’s what the universe wanted. So I’m going to shut here cranky grouchy grrrr.

Hello and how are you?

No, no no no! You didn’t fail. My mind went off on a tangent and I found a piece of healing in that little wander. I do that a bit, get side tracked with my own shizz. Must be the alzheimer’s kicking in. The other thing that I do is take a day or so for things to settle into my thoughts when they’re new to me. I’m still rolling the ideas around like a lemon flavoured lolly, savouring the sweetness of the sounds of the sentences, but feeling mixed up in the pit of my stomach because – because – because. Because I’ve never thought them before. Because I’m entrenched in my mindset and it never occurred to me I could think differently. Because it is taking some space to realise I have a growth opportunity here that I’ve never recognised. Thank you for calling me out on this.

I will have to turn my computer on to reply adequately as my phone is garbage for being able to copy and paste and all of that. It ends up not making sense or meaning differently to what I’m trying to say if I can’t see it all properly.

This is something you wrote the other day that I thoroughly enjoyed reading – hold onto your hat, I copied and pasted on my phone 😂

The  sun is bright outside, the trees and grass so green (in front of me, seen through the open window). Life as usual, it was always there no matter how dead I felt. Ah, life, a magnificent thing, life seeking life. I am seeking life. I let go of my past, I let it go. I no longer identify with my past. I now identify with life, everything’s life, everyone’s life, just.. Life.

I loved this. As I listen to the sounds of the animal kingdom living, the wind in the trees whispering of the living they’ve seen, the warmth in the air, the gentle yet powerful rhythms that the blessed non human things in this world live every day. This is where I need to stop before I make a negative observation about humans 😂 see! I’m so very torn between positivity and negativity. Need courage to let go.

I read your anxiety topic post just now. I wish I had words I could say to help with your healing. Just know I’m reading, I’m listening, and you’re doing great. Even if it feels the opposite you are getting it out, finding the words, and feeling the confused emotions that go with them. You’re doing so good.

I went on my dangerous sporting outing and things went badly. I didn’t get hurt but there was much potential for that to happen. When it goes badly it turns on all my fears and insecurities, I go to ground zero scared failed unloved useless guilty little girl. I should focus on that I handled it well enough not to get hurt, but I don’t, I go to the deepest place of failure and devastation.

It is good in writing this. I think I’m finally starting to be able to recognise my devastated feeling is a lot to do with baggage, not just the situation I’m immediately facing.

I keep doing my dangerous sport because it forces me to face the things inside me. It forces me to be in control, a thing I’m really bad at, lack the courage and the energy to be. It forces me to find a place of confidence, be proactive, know my mind instantly instead of being indecisive because I’m afraid of so many things. I have to embrace a lot of confrontation with it, and if I don’t, things happen like this. Hmmm. I’m not trying to be enigmatic, it’s just that this is what it does for me, and mostly I rise to the occasion. When I don’t I get a swift reminder that I need to be confident and strong.

I have a picture in my mind if you holding your mother back. That was a brave thing to do. It made me wonder about the abusive people I know, I wonder if they’ve got anything to back it up when confronted by someone on their level? I’m not talking about a child, I’m talking about an adult who’s on their footing physically.

Don’t feel guilty! Sometimes I get up really early so I can juggle my day – I have lots of things I have to take care of in my personal life, and some can be done morning, some has to be done at night, and sometimes I get up with the sparrows to get as much done as possible. Then I have time to marinate in online life, which is a blessing to me, to be able to talk to someone I relate to on so many things.

there was no reason to her behavior, no rules, no structure to the madness

Let’s go bop her in the head together. Seriously though, my stomach churned reading this, understanding in, and now a quiet pause, no thoughts, as the sick feeling of understanding flows through my body.

it makes you feel guilty and worthless for receiving others’ anger, and/ or for feeling angry at others?

Very much so

I fear others’ anger and I get confused with mine, easily overwhelmed in real-life situations, cognitively and otherwise paralyzed, unable to evaluate situations and figure out what I need to do.. As a rule: no here-and-now problem solving skills/ assertion to be practiced.

Me too. I sometimes wonder if it’s necessary for me to come up with intelligent words in these situations, etc, to express myself / defend myself. Is it really essential? Or is it okay for me to make a mental note that the person involved is a dick and to be avoided if possible? My mother is very confrontational – with those weaker than herself, I have realised upon reading your above – and I am not. If I confronted her on anything, she swiftly put me in my place with words of scathing judgement, however she turned that scathing judgement onto me if I didn’t confront other people / situations in my life. She made me feel so weak because I either chose not to because I recognised a pointlessness in it, or chose not to because I personally didn’t think it worthy of giving it her kind of attention. I was repulsed by how she dealt with situations like that. I think the shame instilled in childhood was compounded by her in early adulthood.

Anyway, point I was making before I got so sidetracked: so we have to express anything when we’re angry? Surely it’s okay to recognise it, thank it for being there to protect us, and move on! This appeals to my gutless side!!! Actually, both sides of me are gutless!😂

I learned to be quiet, to be hypervigilant about anything that may cause her to get angry at me, which was.. anything and everything.

Me too. Oh how the progeny have no idea. Blissfully, they have no idea, not knowing what it is to not speak out when they disagreed etc!

Ethical Anger (any ideas for an acronym?)

I don’t. But then, RR sprang to mind: righteous rage 😂

anita-kind wants to hire you as my speak up person!

Occasionally I use words when I’m in a tricky situation. Once, very quietly and calmly, asked someone if they existed just to piss people off. Mostly though, I say nothing and bottle up how I feel hurt, always thinking I should be stronger and say / do something. I’m now wondering if I should react, or is it perfectly enough I felt something? If everyone acted out their emotions in some way, the world would grind to a halt. I’m going to sit with this idea that reacting in a tangible way might not be essential, but finding a way to rock how I feel rather than be sunk, how good would that be?
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Scuse typos, etc, hope this all makes some kind of sense. Ciao for now.</p>