a big *smile on my face

Far out you stupid phone 😂

PS I very much looked forward to reading you! Thank you!

we paid our dues, time after time, we’ve done our sentence, but committed no crime, but we are the champions, my friend, and we’ll keep on fighting till the end!

You know it! I didn’t even think if these words but they are right. Paid our dues, time after time. This makes me happy and sad. Gotta stop paying them, they’re paid, but someone send my heart the memo!

I am building a visual of you, slowly.

I of you too. Miss turquoise wearing pony tail girl.

(dismantled car emoji).

Lolll

I can hear them right now. To me, hearing birds means life: they are alive, I am alive.

Love this, absolutely love love love this.

I am sending you all my itchiness as a gift.

Thanks no thanks 😂

news this morning: didn’t have creamer for my coffee, so been drinking it black, it only happened twice in my life, this is the 2nd.

Horrified!

Yesterday late afternoon: I mowed grass over a large area with ups and downs, on top of a tiny electrical mower that felt like an extension of my body, it was FUN! anita

This sounds awesome. You reminded me my grass is a jungle. I best try to get to it this weekend.

I’m so tired! In a good way, except I’m not achieving anything that needs my attention, I’m so exhausted. I can’t even say there’s always tomorrow. I’ve been saying it for a few weeks and it’s not working out the way I assume it should, as in, I get the things done tomorrow.

I have nothing interesting to add to your day, just been working long hours, and that’s about it. Thank you for your messages. You give me friendship I’m lacking in real life. I think I might close my eyes and sleep now 🌼

I’m back 😂

If you want to go over it, I don’t mind, but I think we’re fairly much on the same page. Just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here at the other end of the world wide web. Also how cool you were able to recognise people cared.

I read your thread and agree. Half a century. But we get to start shaping the other half century to be a bit different. That’s what I’m thinking and hoping on.

A marvellous thing happened in my life this fine day. Actually, two marvellous things. I want to share this, that I can appreciate a nice thing happening, because for the first time in many years I see some of the sunshine around me. I was thinking this thought a few days ago, how my heart has stopped hurting for some long stretches just lately. Thank you for asking me and I feel like there might be winds of change blowing through me.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>How are you going, dear Anita? So you can picture a little of me, like I can of you now, I have very dark brown almost black eyes. I have mouse brown hair with lots of grey. Also, see below, I did indeed sidetrack myself and prattled on. I really do want to know how you are and more about who you are.</p>
When I was 13 or 14 my father told me my hair was mouse brown. Although I didn’t understand, and knew he was being negative, I was very happy inside to be a mouse. In the same lecture, he also told me I would end up barefoot and pregnant at a young age, just like my mother. I had a little thought to myself that he was the one who got her pregnant, so he was the reason, and I wondered why he didn’t get her some shoes.

Oh how stupid mean nasty people are. Sometimes I feel bad I questioned him on some things from childhood, and then I cut ties with him for a few years, until he was dying and wanted to see me. Sometimes I feel so guilty I cut ties. But then I remember the mouse brown barefoot pregnant me he predicted and I feel so righteous! 😂 😂

No rushes. Hopefully you’re living something important and engrossing and haven’t had time for the old internet. Hopefully you’re feeling a bit more chipper than your were the other day

me, a special person, me- a special person.

Yes you. You are a special person. I’ll keep saying this until there is a small part of you that feels special. I’ll keep saying this after then in the hopes a bigger part of you can feel special. I’m sorry we have to skip to the adult you before this happened to you and I understand how hard it is to take on when your childhood tips you the opposite so you lived unspecial for your adulthood. We will both get there 🌸

I imagine that your hair is dirty blond nope (with grey yes), that you are about 1.70 meter tall nope, no to little make up yes, very light skin nope; wild sport: 2-person canoe riding nope, (by the way, there are wild coyote calls in the dark, as I am typing this) omgoodness you live in a frightening world of magic!

About me: I am 1.65 meters, 50 kg, brown eyes with hazel, dark brown hair mostly grey, in ponytail, olive color skin, always in jeans, size zero USA).

Thank you for giving me a starting point on who my invisible friend is!

Embarrassing…feeling guilty for messing up others’ experience with my blood gushing (unintended) exhibition.

No no no no! It’s not embarrassing. Shzz happens and this sounds pretty scary and it’s not embarrassing. People aren’t like your mother, judging with mean spiritedness and a small nasty mind. So please please instead know that people care when others have accidents and get hurt. Please don’t feel guilty. I understand these emotions because they’re my life’s masterpiece, but they’re wrong wrong wrong. Gotta not hang onto bad rubbish they gave us.

I may have discovered an amazing and easier way of replying: the quote button 😂 let’s set if it works. Apart from it all being one blob with no line spacing it looks alright.

Dear SadSoul: “Don’t be afraid. I’m very boring“– I like boring, predictable people, I really do! “and never at my best, but always trying to be the best me I can be“- humble, trustworthy and beautifully said! “I’m not judgmental and I don’t care about looks, money, or popularity – I’m very not popular“- I love this. You are gifted when it comes to combining words/ writing (says I). “I just like honest people without hidden agendas and meanings. I like kind people“- it’d be perfectly peaceful place, this world we live in, if every person was honest, without hidden agendas and meanings, and kind.

The area in my life I’ve always found difficult to be honest is when it’s going to hurt someone. Like if I accidentally double booked myself for something or was running late. I’d spend hours full of guilt wishing I could think of a reason that wouldn’t hurt them, and occasionally I lied, but I think the only person I hurt was me. I hated myself lying, even if it was a ‘white’ lie. I hated myself for letting them down in the first place. I hated myself for trying to ‘white’ lie. I’m this old now, and it’s taken this long to accept I just need to say, ‘I forgot, or, thank you for waiting for me,’ and it’ll be fine. 

– their world is here. This is not a heavily populated area, and there’s a lot of berries, rodents, rabbits, deer.. . lots of food for coyotes, bears, bobcats, and mountain lions.

It sounds wonderful and terrifying! A bit like a goldie locks and the three bears kind of lovely. Forests and wildness with just enough warm cottages and porridge.

“It’s human nature to love and protect. Human nature can be a whole lot of other horrible things too but if the majority of people were the horrible things, we’d die out. Your mother is a member of the extinction group, she’s not a part of the continuation of the race, she’s a failure as a human organism“- she is part of the extinction group- not on the massive scales that Hitler, Stalin

It simply is that people like her cannot further the human race. Extinction follows those who cannot raise successful organisms. It happens more slowly but it happens. Whether it be that the children choose not to reproduce, or their lives end because they are so broken, or their inability to care for their offspring… To successfully continue any species there has to be care taken in raising the offspring. In animals it presents itself more clearly, in humans we call it love and the actions that love should be. This isn’t important but I needed to say it. 

I felt too guilty. Replaying certain scenes in my life, it looks like a miracle that I did not accidently die

I’m very glad you didn’t! At times I’ve wanted to die but knowing what it would do to those who depended on me… You get the picture.

Writing the above was difficult, to acknowledge the massive amount of unnecessary suffering one person can cause another person/ a few people in their lives, a few people who to one extent or another, in one context or another, hurt yet more people, making our world the place that it is.

Maybe writing this can help the pain reduce in you? I hope so. For me, knowing someone understands and cares helps, you have given me this. Thank you for sharing such a deep thing with me.

… most beautiful thing I ever read.. well, add this to the-most-beautiful category.

I am especially blessed to be able to give you such a thing. I don’t know you well but I can very much see that you are a special person; a special person who for no fault of their own was given a very broken human for a mother –  literally the opposite of a mother who loves and cares, a mother who hated and broke those around her, a broken piece of rubbish – but against all odds here you are, special, kind, growing yourself into the person you should have been allowed to grow up to be. You’re much more than that actually, because you know first hand from your own life’s experiences.

I hope you slept better since, that your sadness is still of the regular kind.

This week has been very demanding, but it’s over now, and it’s a big step towards the work stuff being finished. Not done yet but in another month it should be. I have not managed to leave work at work. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

I spent a bit of time with the offspring reminiscing about the life of the loved pet. That was beautiful. I got to know the offspring a little more – yeah that sounds weird but I did! You raise them and they’re kind of something you shaped, but they’re not independently what you taught them, then they’re adults and they take it and evolve it into themselves. They reject some of it which is fine too, it doesn’t work for them at that time in their life, or maybe it never will, but a lot of the time they go through something and then the penny drops and they have the tools. I see so much of how a raised them in how they live and think, and then they sometimes tell me they understand it now, and then my heart sings because they’re no longer carrying hurt or whatever towards me for giving them boundaries. And! They sometimes forgive me and show amazing understanding for my failings.

I have been meandering through my reply for the last few hours, don’t a bit, coming back to it after interrupting myself with things I need to get done and probably time to digest what I’m writing too. You’re my invisible friend I’m pouring my heart out to. Thank you.

“I wonder if the forums are your escape?“- it’s the way I escape to a place where I learn about real-life, and, as a result, I live my real-life better (I do). But more than that: this here, is real-life, only lacking the visual, auditory and tactile (can’t see your face, can’t hear your voice and accent, can’t feel your virtual hugs), but I can see your mind and heart and.. Soul, and you can see mine.

I like this. It made me smile. 

“Whatever it is for you, I think it’s good to have a place to take your mind to other (better) places“- for me, you are not a person limited to this website. I am okay with knowing you in real-life, although scared of the added irl dimensions, additional dimensions that may show me not at my best. It’s easier to type into the non-living, obedient screen than to talk to a living person.

Don’t be afraid. I’m very boring, and never at my best, but always trying to be the best me I can be. I’m not judgemental and I don’t care about looks, money, or popularity – I’m very not popular. I just like honest people without hidden agendas and meanings. I like kind people. 

I’ll read and respond to the rest of your post tomorrow because now, I am under the influence of red wine after (AHHHHHHH!) two hours ago (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), for the first time, I saw a mountain lion (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) crossing the private road, right outside the driveway where I live, maybe 15-20 meters away from me (AHHHHHHHHHHH). Will I ever walk again..?

Oooh that’s terrifying. What type of sharp toothed tiger did you see on that other mystic adventure? You’re going to have to be careful of this wild world you live in. Are they coming close because the world is going back to nature around you or because they’re running out of their world?

Surprisingly, I had a relatively good night sleep, no mountain lion flashbacks.

Excellent!

“Here it’s quiet and full of good words, I find myself thinking much more clearly“- yes, this is my experience too, and I appreciate the good words coming from you.

I am a weird combination of quiet and shy, but also talkative with those I know and trust. I like quietness. But I think perhaps I talk when I’m nervous too. Yup, three flavours in this milkshake 😂

I accidentally deleted the next paragraph but if course you wanted her to love you, that’s part of the beauty of a child, and the beauty of being human, and love is what makes it all worth it.

do we protect them so that they will protect us back.. from themselves? (Crazy).

It’s human nature to love and protect. Human nature can be a whole lot of other horrible things too but if the majority of people were the horrible things we’d die out. Your mother is a member of the extinction group, she’s not a part of the continuation of the race, she’s a failure as a human organism.  

“I think I’ll adopt young you – yes, I know this is impossible, but imagine it. Then you’d only have to focus on protecting important things like stray kittens and causes like the environment. I’d protect you from the big things like being hungry and bullies! And we’d have friends (yours and mine and ours) over for morning tea, and we’d spend hours making yummy cakes and triangle sandwiches for them and ourselves to enjoy, and we’d celebrate how happy it made them to have a place of honour in our home. We wouldn’t ever criticise them because they’re our friends. We wouldn’t have people in our home who weren’t friends either. Aaah the imagines.”- this too I read for the first time just now.

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

I hope somehow knowing that you matter helps. No one can give you the childhood you deserved but I hope it helps you heal knowing that in a different family you would have been cherished. I can’t go back and help you beautiful little self but I can tell you I would if I could. I’m glad we’ve blown into each other’s worlds 🍁

It has been a long horrible week. Nothing anyone has done just things happening at work that have added to my workload in a horrible way. I generally don’t take work worries home but I’ve failed this week. I had hoped to get Friday off, but no, the cr*p keeps piling up. Oh well. I’m off to spend a moment with one of the offspring who’s had a rough time the last couple of days losing their beloved pet. I didn’t get to sleep last night as I was really sad the vet visit was happening today. The best things on this world don’t last long enough 😔

Sorry to offload. I’m really sad just now. On a positive note, I think this sadness is an equal reaction to the events around it, rather than the sadness that I’ve had when I was going through a lot. So, I think it’s regular sadness. Hmmm.