Oooh! We’re awake at the same time! That’s pretty cool.

Hot baths are good for sore shoulders. Sore anything really. Then an anti inflammatory of some kind and a good sleep. I often have much soreness from my sporting adventures. If only my muscles would catch up with the idea that I’d you use them lots they don’t hurt so much 😂

I have a chai latte, the unhealthy sweet sachet kind, and am doing the nothing again. I never used to have a sweet tooth but since I entered the dark years I’ve developed one.

My stove top is clean after many months of not being. I vaguely remember you undertook this task a while back. It’s highly overrated 😂

Dear Anita!

Would you be able to mow my grass too? I didn’t get to it last week. I prioritised and watched Netflix.

No migraine! Best start away from the delicious noodles for a while. I think I’ve only bought them once in my life before this. The progeny used to beg for them and couldn’t understand how very bad they are for you. As soon as they were in charge of their own grocery bills they bought truck loads of them 😂

I have no steam in my engine at this moment in time. I’m trying very hard to achieve but the go-go mobile has stopped. A total waste of a day. I wish guilt and shame didn’t overtake me. Thank you, mother dearest, for instilling this in me even though you don’t live up to your standards. Thank you, ex partner, for carrying on with your judgement thinking I should do more, when you didn’t live up to your standards you placed on me either.

But in all honesty, how does a person escape these feelings? I know it is okay to relax, I know this in my head, but my heart and stomach can’t get with the picture.

How did your mowing go? Did you have creamer in your morning? How are you feeling?

Hmm. It has a good messenger system if you feel like getting technical and signing up for it. It’s easier to use than emails too. If you feel like becoming a tech guru I can help with it. (hahaha lolll loll, nah I can help)

– a real friend does not demand; a real friend allows a friend the time and freedom to think, to feel, to choose.

This is so powerful and so true. It will slowly weave its way into my mind. Hopefully!

“No one has ever wanted to be my friend in such a simple uncomplicated way“- I do.

Ditto.

Thank you for your kind and wise words over the weekend, while I fell in a heap of misery, simply because I did something normal and everyday for most but that caused me to feel so lacking in value. I usually juggle my aloneness with much less despair.

I made a happy mental note that you are a coffee drinker. When we suss out this challenging how shall we contact each other for a less public get to know you, I shall brew us a pot, and you can provide the creamer!

There are so many typos in that, I am sorry. Ask if you can’t work it out.

I read this and all of the hurt started spilling out of my eyes and I had to stop. When I finish reading I think you will have given me something I’ve never had before. I will be back when I can read the rest but now I have to distract myself from how intensely emotional those few caring words I read are 🧡 I feel like a nut job but it’s too beautiful for words and it hurts so dam much and I just need to take a moment, you beautiful person 💙

😢💔

I am going to sit and read this again but I’m not angry, I’m hurting realising these things. It’s confronting reading descriptions that aren’t just me being upset I asked for help moving a wardrobe and got told no. Or I can’t cope today I’m in a bad way and got told I’m the problem – which I am but not in the mean way my mother means it, in the way that I don’t know how to ask for help to move the wardrobe and get help.

Thank you. You’re so kind taking time out for me while you’re off on your big adventures.

I did something different that I haven’t done in years. Most people would enjoy it but instead it highlighted how alone I am, how many people I love who I don’t have anymore, and how I don’t trust people anymore.

I don’t have any people in life who would notice if I died. No one would come looking for weeks. I’m not over dramatising that, it just is. It hurts so much that I have none of the people I loved with every fibre in my body, loved so much and made sure their needs and happiness were the most important thing.

After the pain in my chest lessened a little I reminded myself some of the people I’ve lost, that I loved and cared for more than myself, weren’t as big a loss as it sometimes seems. I reminded myself that healthy progeny meet partners and make friends and move away from their mothers, that it’s the right thing, and if I wasn’t so alone I wouldn’t miss their little selves that loved and needed me. I reminded myself that, other than the progeny, most of the people I’ve loved, loved themselves a lot more than me. I reminded myself that my progeny were my life, fed my soul, and now they’re grown I should find something else…

But it doesn’t change how I feel all that much. It doesn’t change that I’m alone and I have no one who’s got my back. I had my friend’s backs, but I learnt not to ask for anything because it hurt too much to be rejected. It frightened me. To face that I’m not valuable, it’s what I gave that they kept me around for, they didn’t want to give me the love and support I needed.

But none of it changes anything. I am alone. I explored fixing that but I’m very shy and I don’t trust people anymore. I’m too afraid of asking for help or understanding, or whatever, and being rejected. I’m afraid of me being who I am in the friendship and that I’m the problem, that somehow my fear creates in them a righteousness that subconsciously thinks they should take and I should give.

It hurts. A failed life ending in aloneness. Sorry I’m so down. The small little thing that would make it all so different is if my son hadn’t cut me totally out of his life. Then I remind myself that’s the straw that broke the camels back, only it was the most valuable straw. I skipped through life, knowing I loved him and he loved me, all it takes is a little bit of love. Then contemplating what went wrong, not knowing and believing I must have done something wrong, then the worthlessness and self doubt and every negative emotion has crept into me. All the fears and hurts a child has whose parents don’t care or want them. All the self doubt. Yeah. I’m not having a good day.

A good night’s sleep will hopefully help me tip things a bit more squarely. I didn’t realise just how much hurt I have still inside me or that a small action would trigger them so badly.