<p style=”text-align: left;”>I hope eventually things right themselves, Tommy. Thank you for your ideas.</p>

… too close for comfort, in his mind?

I wonder if he felt that you needed his closeness too much, and/ or that you were too much in control of his life?

This was one of the things, which you couldn’t know who instigated the closeness, kept it going, or whether I had too much control of his life. I had, and again, reconsidered these things when reading your post. I honestly can’t give you the words that would have been easier to read, perhaps it’s simply that there’s too much without knowing someone’s situation, on top of they’re in despair. Perhaps a few less cold hard facts?

I had said we were very close… That he had a new friend with mental health issues who I struggled with letting him spread his wings with… That I’d assumed he was starting his journey into manhood.

Those sorts of things could be clues that we were close, that I understood his need to separate to become a man, and was struggling the new friend who had some problems – in the new friend’s defence, I didn’t know how deeply they went at the time. All I knew was that this friend was a lovely kid in spite of what I believed was his very difficult family life. It turned out the new friend is extremely mentally unwell.

I appreciate your very honest and analytical way of speaking. To hear cold hard truths is needed at some point in one’s journey. It’s very difficult to know what the cold hard truths might be on an online forum with limited information. I imagine most people are reaching out for hope, and perhaps after they’ve found some, they are more able to deal with black and white advice where they may have gone wrong.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I just came across something so I’ll write it down</p>

Are you worried about your child drinking? What are your kids doing now?

Be a good example. Care enough to say no to underage drinking

Know where your child is and who they’re with

Know if other parents have given them alcohol

Knowing or speaking to host parents to confirm sleepover arrangements

Safely first. Never leave anyone to walk home alone

Exercise parental awareness

I’m posting this because one of your comments above suggested I consider whether I was too involved in his life. I was as involved in the way that I requested to know where he was, and he happily texted me updates throughout his days, often asking for a ride here or there which I could often offer during my lunch break.

I was involved in the way that I said he could have sleepovers after I met the parents – this was sleepovers at the boy’s house who said the police had attended three times in two weeks. The boy who, it turned out, lied about that and many other things. But I didn’t know that at the time so my involvement was that of a responsible parent.

It was hard for me not to be upset at some of the suggestions you put forward. Yes, we had some isolation in our life due to things that happened. One of the things happened to my son and he created a bubble around us while he healed. I haven’t gone into all the details on a public forum, but our closeness wasn’t born out of my needs. I did my best to accommodate every one of my children’s needs, and I was meeting this son’s needs with everything I possibly could. I wasn’t too close, or too controlling, I watched and listened to him and loved him with my words and actions. The fact that we were so very close a month or so prior to him leaving reflects this.

I’m telling you this because, as helpful as you’re trying to be, it’s just hurt me. I have considered your thoughts and research, and that perhaps you’re not much of a wordsmith, which is why I’m coming back to let you know that there are other ways you could say things. Ways that don’t make someone who’s already really hurt feel even more worthless.

I am aware of many reasons kids ghost their parents. In my day generally when kids ran off from home their friend’s parents calmed them down and took them home. We didn’t have the option to leave home unless we did it really tough. This generation have options, the government gives them to them, as do non custodial parents. This generation live their lives through the internet, getting advice and support from people who don’t know them, don’t know their circumstances, and encourage ghosting and other really big actions. Have you seen how young people interact? It’s vicious and awful. It’s a whole new way of life. It’s a totally different world where people discard each so much easily than ever before.

Could it be possible I wasn’t the baddie in this? I’ve wanted so much to defend myself but I don’t want to say all of the personal details that my son was up to in his life or mine. Instead I’m going to say that I thought a lot about where you were coming from and that your intentions are well meant even though they hurt me a great deal.

I paraphrased his text, you know, that’s great you’re doing okay, I am too. Thank you and I love you too.

It’s a huge step for him after requesting to be left alone almost nine months ago. I still sent him a Christmas message though, and two other messages I hope he’s doing good. I think this message is a good sign he isn’t afraid to contact me, that there’s no invisible barrier that estrangement sometimes creates.

There are other reasons why he left but there’s no point rehashing them, they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me and my son wanting to do things he knew I wouldn’t approve of – illegal things. He’s not happy at his father’s now their relationship isn’t the Disney dad one of the past – it wasn’t exactly Disney dad, but his father, who’s an alcoholic, never ever drank around him and son had no idea. That kind of thing, the things you can hide when you only have your child one night per week.

I miss him so much but after his message maybe there’s some hope.

Thank you for your response. It is food for a lot of thought.