Thank you for acknowledging. That’s nice.

Ha. Literally I’ve broken flesh and bones doing the thing that makes my heart sing 😂

A glass of wine is very decadent. Have one before and one after. Live life! Can’t do these things afterwards.

I agree, there’s much in common and that is a rare thing.

I wrote my reply on your other thread on my phone so it will lack some of the thoughtfulness I’d prefer to put in because it’s shonky using my phone on this website. I hope I haven’t stomped all over you with my reply.

I haven’t gotten back to look at that thread yet. Been rushed off my feet again. Will hopefully get to it tonight!

I hope your night / day has been nice ☀

I’m referring to my biological mother. Growing up I had a hyper vigilant awareness of adult’s moods. Not knowing what it would be that caused a belting, being locked in my room for the weekend no food, etc, combined with a deeply Christian upbringing made me have a conscience that probably didn’t come from God. I have always been sensitive to others opinions and moods and I fit myself into them, literally turn myself inside out to avoid any negativity or confrontation. I suppose part of that was obeying my mother and trying to turn myself into the good person she didn’t see in me. At a point in my life, about 10 years ago, I started to see that her standards for me were different to the ones she kept for herself. She thought I was the worst person, unfit mother, unfit human, but it was perfectly okay for her to do the things made me bad – and I didn’t do the things because I lived my life honestly and genuinely trying to be the good person she said I should be. Example: she eats out and that’s not a mortal sin. I have no idea why I did not acknowledge this until I was older. Instead I felt so guilty I was such a failure. Does it make sense that I do the right thing to survive, am too involved in others moods and opinions because child me would be punished severely, and my mother was a goddess to my child self. Adult self took till old ladyship came around to stop fight / flighting and have a look at the facts.

Saint SadSoul is probably more a survival mechanism than avoiding my mother’s criticisms. She criticised me whenever I had a friend’s kids, or someone hard up come to stay, or whatever. Nothing I did was good enough for her even though most of what I did was care for people. She always made me worthless.

Unfortunately my kitchen has tons of natural light so I can’t avoid seeing the grot. My mother set foot in my house probably 10 times in 30 years. Each time was constant criticism that was rehashed time and again for years – decades. The last time I cooked a meal, that is everyone evers favourite thing, she spent the whole time saying how horrible it was. She ate and ran. Mainly I visited her mainly, and I didn’t do that too often. She’d tell me to slice bread then criticise how I did it. So I’d ask for exactly how thick she wanted to, EXACTLY, so I couldn’t stuff it up, then she’d criticise my asking and angrily do it herself. Never mind that I just wanted the end result to be what she wanted. This all sounds so flat and grey, but it was big and emotional.

I love your cleaning disability. I’ve fallen in a heap of recent years, maybe it’s a similar thing. I’ve stopped doing unnecessary things. Ironing. Literally the most unnecessary activity that can be remedied by hanging out straight and not looking too closely at the end result. The irony of my mother’s criticisms of my cleaning is that prior to me moving in with her, her house was filthy. A relative told me of this when I was in tears about her criticisms. That’s a whole other story, how she backstabbed me to her friends and family, and they all thought I was this awful human. I felt the distance but never knew why. A couple of them had cause to spend time with me and were surprised I wasn’t a filthy, selfish, terrible person. I got to know them and slowly things happened that caused them to share odds and ends. But stupid me couldn’t let go of my need to have her approval and I couldn’t believe her house was dirty. I thought they told me that to make me feel better.

I don’t feel quite as alone reading you had a mother like mine in some ways. It’s interesting… I’m trying to find the right word because I’m not sure it’s exactly healing. But it’s something telling someone the things. Having to think about them, they hurt, but they make more sense and I don’t feel myself spinning into guilt and hurt like I used to.

Thank you for being my guru I turn to at the end of every day! It’s becoming a thing I look forward to 🌻

reading this sentence a 2nd time, I guess that it wasn’t a good idea to shield him from his father’s true nature. To alienate the other parent (I learned this from the research I did on page 1 of your thread) means to exaggerate or lie about negative aspects of the other parent. But to show the other parent’s true nature can be very helpful to the child.

The meaner part of me wishes I hadn’t.  The meaner part of me wishes I’d used some of his tactics against him, or at the very least, instead of calling his nastiness different to how we are, I wish I’d called it out as it is.  Too late now.

very interesting, I didn’t know about the “like” culture that includes calling (previously) authority figures all kinds of names. And I agree about young people being emotionally handicapped because of modern life.

My kids leave their socials signed in on my phone and computer.  I saw one of the things, where some person was having a hard time, and someone else responded ‘why don’t you just go k*ll yourself.’  They got hundreds of likes and replies with laughing faces.  That’s the worst one I saw but it’s full of them saying things they think are sharp and witty, only they’re mean and deadly.  Another was a kid bagging their mother out because she got upset they took food.  So many people jumping on calling the mother names, abusive, saying there’s a reason for that kid to cut the mother out of its life.  All I could think is of was that there was a time in our lives where we were really poor, I worked really long hours, and I had a pasta bake in the fridge for dinner the next night.  One of my kids took it the next afternoon and ate it all.  I was so hurt and I reacted angrily and cried.  To this day he makes a big deal over it saying I got angry about him eating food.  I doubt the majority of people are getting angry at them eating food, they’re hurting because they haven’t got anything left to give.  I had no money till payday, not much time to throw something together, and not enough to throw together, and I was exhausted.  I’d told my kids it was for dinner the next night and not to touch it so there was no excuse.  Anyway, I felt sorry for that mother that the whole world was judging her and she quite possibly didn’t deserve it.

you are welcome, and thank you for the insight you are giving me, and for the contact with you!

I hope today is / was a good day for you.

does this sentiment have anything to do with that one sentence you shared in regard to your mother, that she never approved of anything you did, something like that (I tried to locate this sentence but didn’t find it)?

I am not sure.  I didn’t grow up with her.  My father had custody of us but we grew up in other homes as he never seemed to have a point in his life where he was able to have us until I was a teenager.

if you are a fossil then I am a fossil too. I don’t think that I am younger than you…!

I just recently kicked a huge number and I don’t feel it even in the slightest.

It’s very difficult to do quotes on my phone so I’ll do off the top of my heads instead.

The shaming for loving your mother: I’m not giving his father full responsibility for this one, but he shamed him for saying I love you to me when he picked him up, so my son stopped saying that as part of his goodbye when he was about 7. My son discouraged any contact from me while at his father’s because of how his father carried on. But his father was totally okay to text and ring him when he was at home with me, it got really thick and fast that last year, and the less than good part of me was picky about that although I didn’t voice it.

Although he struggled with lots to do with his father, he still wanted his love and approval. Little things like he lowered his voice when he was around him from 5 or 6 years old. It made me sad he couldn’t use his higher pitched little boy’s voice with his father.

I regret being understanding and shielding my son from his father’s true nature. Yeah, I know, if I’d said it in the cold light of day we’d be facing other probably worse scenarios. His father never gave a shortage of awful things I could have used to create a wedge between them, but I didn’t, because I know what it’s like to be a child in that situation. Because I thought children need to love and respect, and be loved and respected, by both parents, even when they’re separated.

I don’t know what the attraction to the friend was. I think there’s a strong possibility it was love. And the first friend to come along after he needed to join the world again. And this kid had a lovely way about him. I thought he was a great kid so I can imagine how much more appealing he was to my son. Tall, handsome, softly spoken, intelligent, funny, he seamed to be too good. He pursued my son in the friendship, wanted his company, was always at the other end of the phone. So much so sometimes my son would sometimes say I needed him for something. That was the only bit that was a small concern for me, but I barely even acknowledged it. I think that’s the kind of friendship I’d want minus the lies that we didn’t know were lies.

Society and it’s expectations: society needs to stop being a jerk. I read a fair bit on the rights of passage for males, and how they have to find modern ways to achieve this now, because we don’t go hunting and slaying any more. I wonder if these younger generations are even more handicapped because they don’t often even get outside in the world – yes they travel to school etc, but lots of them don’t get on a bike or climb walls or do naughty cheeky things that earlier generations did. They sit at keyboards calling their parents, families, friends, teachers awful things because the meanest things get the most likes, and the advice from their online audience validates them and encourages them to cut off. Advice from thoughtless immature children who have no idea whether they have the full truth, advice aimed more at online popularity than concern for its intended, advice from children who don’t think about the consequences of cutting people out of your life. Often the things they’re talking about are fair, like cleaning your room, or not helping yourself to the other half of the pasta bake that’s for dinner that night, but they think these sorts of things are abuse. They have totally different ideas about how they fit into their families and the world. From my point of view they appear very selfish and with no active participation towards their existence – they don’t have chores or responsibilities, just living a life about them. It looks a bit like their rights of passage into adulthood are more emotional than physical – girls included.

Totally off topic, I put my coffee on the stove, boiled the kettle to top it up, poured and it’s kinda cold. Forgot to actually boil the kettle, so I decided to drink it cold to reply 😂 I’m getting old 😂

Have a lovely evening / morning / middle of your day! Thank you for posting. You’re giving me so much insight, but also human contact, and not saying anything along the lines of I should be over this by now. I have limited social resources and employers who never had children. Their advice and expectations are… Interesting… But in the beginning they were all I had and I am blessed to have had them. Just not sure their advice was good…

Heya Anita
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I don’t have enough time to reply at length, but I think you’re onto something there, so many loose ends tie up with the strong / strength.</p>
I’m sorry you didn’t have a soft place with your mother. I share your need to research and understand things. I appreciate your honesty within yourself to acknowledge your angle was negative, brought on by personal experiences. Life is hard, harder when we’ve had a bad childhood, but here you are being a wonderful human in spite of it.

Gotta rush but thank you.