Eliana,

I agree. The issue is that he is so fearful of abandonment (he has childhood issues regarding this) and commitment, intimacy, etc. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it! I know I deserve more than to have to convince someone to be with me. But I just feel like we’re so close, why not try?

Anita, you’re so right. I say it’s all or nothing and then I keep faltering on my word. I think it’s because I went so long rejecting his connections for almost a year, that these past few months left me without much will-power. After his most recent visit, I actually had no plans on re-blocking him, but our mutual best friend (my male best friend and his good friend as well) suggested I do it to really give him a message. I kind of regretted it because I had done it before and clearly gone back on my word, so it felt a little hasty and dramatic. But once I did it, I felt even sillier un-doing it. So I just left him blocked.

I guess time will only tell with how this goes.

Anita, thank you. I really appreciate it.

I was really struggling with the concept of letting my family go and couldn’t really wrap my head around such a drastic measure. However, it wasn’t as drastic as I thought it was going to be. I immediately felt better within a week of deciding to really distance myself, so that is how I knew it was the right decision for me.

I’m still on good terms with my father though and he seems to be slightly disappointed and stressed that I’ve made this decision. I can tell he understands, but I feel guilty now leaving him to be the only “sane” person to take care of it all. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I have to do what’s best for me. He, unfortunately has a tendency to put things off and be a little dismissive until issues HAVE to be faced, and I’ve been warning him about treating my sister and mother for a long time. Part of me feels bad for him to leave this on his shoulders, but at the same time he wasn’t listening to me when I’ve brought this up for years. Part of me feels selfish, but I quite frankly do not have the resources (literal and emotional) to take this all on.

Ramon, thank you for your insight. My mother is definitely a narcissist and I’m starting to realize that my boyfriend that dumped me was one as well. I’m also co-dependent. You are very accurate in everything that you just said.

I think the worst part is that the stark contrast between my father and everyone else — my father is my hero. He has been through so much and still also acts like myself by trying to help and remain positive every day. He doesn’t seem to have the mental genes that are on my mom’s side, so he really isn’t very depressed and feels lucky to wake up every day and shows it through positivity and gratitude. He’s the type of person I strive to be! I know he’s told me in the past that if I even need to “cut him off” for my own sanity that it’s ok, as he is so amazingly understanding, but I just love him so much and I also rely on his guidance and support. The downside is that he does “vent” to me at times about everything going on, so if I talk to him, I also tend to get some of the news about my mother or sisters. He doesn’t put it on me though, he only tells me when I ask. Should I cut off contact with him too? Or maybe just make sure we never talk about the family? I think he’s also looking out for me by being supportive of my separation.

The thing is, this is only one aspect of my pain. It is also the break up that I’m still facing and the subsequent weight gain from all the stress. And for whatever reason, the weight gain is the thing that drives me crazy the most! Probably because I can’t ignore it and am faced to see myself in the mirror every day. I have this idea that I’ll be happy again once I lose the weight and therefore able to deal with my other problems as well. However, I think the other problems are at the stem of it. So maybe you and Anita are right, and maybe truly cutting them off might be best in the long run. I just want so badly to be happy again and free of this weight (mental AND physical).

Jason, wow you hit the nail on the head. I knew that I had some codependent behaviors but I don’t think I knew what the true definition was. I just watched a video and I am absolutely codependent — it has been hard for me recently to figure out what “to think about” — which is why I have been obsessing over losing weight for the past 10 months. That was my “process”, whereas before it was the “breakup” and then before that, it was the relationship. I always need a process, person, or thing to occupy my mind. I had no idea that this is what codependency is.

I was in a relationship starting at 16 years old until I was almost 20 (a very impressionable time) that was VERY codependent and toxic. My boyfriend was older than me and convinced me that love was all encompassing, that you become “one person”, and did not give me a shred of privacy or independence. It was very mentally and emotionally abusive and I had to “escape” — I don’t think I realized how that created codependent patterns in my life. Good thing I’m going to therapy and will be able to work through this.

However, I did “bite the bullet” and I ended up reaching out to my ex. He has yet to answer so we will see what happens. While I think your point is right at the core, I think I also need the peace of mind on a more shallow level. He has posted all these sad songs and given me so many small glimmers of hope and it’s not allowing me to move on. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to know for sure. That way, I can ask him to stop sending me mixed signals and let me move on.

Anita, unfortunately all that did was remind me that the depression did indeed, catch up to me and that none of those family issues have been resolved. Is there an insight here that I’m missing?

Nina & Helen, thank you so much for your insight. I do think I need to cheat “when it’s worth it” and make sure it’s something I’m really craving, not just any sugar that’s accessible. I really have been craving oreos for weeks. I might buy a small packet like you said and listen to that craving.

With that said, I’m trying to establish a healthy “non obsessive” thought process — listening to my body, not trying to plan everything down to the calorie and just eat healthy, normal foods. However, through this whole process I’ve learned that I have a serious love for cooking and trying new foods and recipes! It’s kind of hard, because it takes away a bit of the thoughtlessness when I imagine/plan cooking a meal for the creative expression and then I can’t separate it from the weight and body issues. I get excited about the meal for purely the creative expression like I used to (I used to cook before and experiment with meals but now its SO much stronger) but then it trickles into my body issues.

Should I take a break from this and just go back to simple basic meals that I know are healthy, normal filling meals so that it eases my mind a bit and gives me one less thing to have my mind revolve around food?

Anita, thank you so much. I think everything you said was absolutely spot on. I really appreciate your insight.

One question, where do I go from here? We haven’t spoken in four days — and we usually talk every day. This is definitely “a fight” for us. Do I reach out first? I feel she does not treat me with the kindness and comfort I do technically deserve, but I also understand why as stated above. Not sure how to reach out, because I feel she has a need for keeping the upper hand, and I don’t appreciate that.