Dear anita

Wow.. I mean.. WOW ! I am truly amazed by the way you put all this together. I don’t know how but you got it so right.. This is really incredible. I am really flattered by all the effort you put in all this and I am so grateful for all this. I don’t know why you are doing all this but.. I know one thing.. not many people would and could do that. I can’t really find my words .. but what I’m trying to say is that what you are doing is amazing and you are doing so much good ! You are really  great !

After reading your reply few things started clicking.. In a way they did click before but I guess I put them on hold somewhere..

Lately things where difficult.. I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany. Deep down I knew the relationship won’t work and it was a mistake.. but I did it.  So.. since September I am here.. the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again. It wasn’t easy.. but I decided to do a fresh start. I decided to go to Spain. I decided to end the year here since it’s difficult to find jobs this time of the year and  go to Spain in January. I am not saying that I am completely sure it’s the right move.. but I feel that I need to fresh start somewhere and find a job and try to build a life for myself. It somehow feels that if I stay here I will always be helped by my parents and I will always feel controlled. And… maybe I will also stay comfortable instead of doing more.. Because I guess I tend to come back to them when things don’t work out..  and that is definitely not the answer. I feel that I should do something for myself finally. Just me.

So… I know therapy would be the answer to this. Sadly at the moment I cannot afford that.. As you probably imagine, I am still unemployed  and I don’t have much money.. It does hurt to rely on my parents money. I feel embarrassed.

Deep down I always liked the sea.. I always wanted to be somewhere warm and I always liked the mediteranean way of living. I liked being there even If I sometimes had hard times there as well. I am willing to try that option. And yes.. I am scared that it might not work, or I might not perform good enough.. But I have to do that.. just me, on my own feet. It’s less likely to quit my job and stay home comfortable while my parents take care of my finances. And.. it’s more likely that I will build confidence once I start working and earning my own money.  The main thing is.. I felt like I belong there much more than I do here..  maybe it’s the right place for me but maybe I wasn’t exactly the right person. I would like to know your honest opinion on my plan.. Somehow I sense that you will say that I am running.. And in a way I am.. but maybe it’s the right thing to do.

As for my parents.. being here these months.. made me look at them and at their lifestyle more… somehow analyzing them. My parents really seem to be … boring and bored. They have been like that pretty much since I can remember. My father was always playing everything safe.. he was never involved in anything. He never did sports, he never had hobbies except of work.. he never seemed to have much content.. He was just sitting around. ( sounds familiar eh? ) He never encouraged me to do any sports or learn any skill. He never encouraged me to help others. He always told me to stay away and mind my own business.  My mom had more adventurer spirit.. but I guess it’s been suppressed by my father a lot.. so she was weak enough to just obey. She wasn’t happy with him.. but she stayed for me.. or she was too scared to just start over. If u ask me… I would say both. I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me ( or others.. haven’t really noticed that ). Maybe they where simply not aware enough and not skillful enough to provide me with a more caring, fun and involving childhood. I does feel like I am a result of their both personalities.. It really does. But I am not happy with that.

As my conclusion… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life and they’ve been doing the same thing over and over since I can remember.  They’ve been sitting around looking at others enjoying their lives and accepted this role of being the observers who maybe dare but inactive. I guess they just took the simple but as you said, minimal way.. and unfulfilling way.  And… that is definitely not the way I want my journey to be. I am not willing to limit myself and live in a shell just because I was never taught how to live more and how to reach a higher potential. Maybe a lot of people skip the analyzing and questioning part and just lock themselves safely in a place where they wait for the time to pass.. Maybe some people would just accept the way things are in my life.. and just carry on that way. Seems like my parents did exactly that. But not me.

I know I can do so much more and I could be so much more for myself and for the ones around me. I know I can be a better and more connected person and I can bring good to my life and to others. This reminds me of Sinatra.. I need MY WAY.

Thank you anita ! So much ! You taught me a lot !

Dear anita

It’s been a few weeks now since I wrote here. Not much changed but in the same time it did. My girlfriend left to Germany a few weeks earlier than planned.. She’s been invited to her godmother’s birthday so she left earlier. In the last weeks we broke up for 2 days because we we’re fighting a lot. We eventually got back together during her last week here. We tried to fix things but I guess it didn’t really work.

She left 5 days ago and we’ve been only talking a little bit since then.. I told her I will join her in Germany in autumn but I don’t know if that is what I want. I am so lost right now..  I have to find a job now and get on with my life.. But I don’t know what to do in the future. Somehow feels right to just let go of her and live my life.. In the same time I’m scared that I will regret breaking up with her.. Maybe I will realize I love her. Right now I don’t know If I do.. I don’t know if I actually miss her.. I just know I am lost and I don’t know what I want. Things don’t seem to work.. but we did our best to stay together. I am afraid that all this not being sure about loving her is related to me going trough a difficult time at the moment.. And I am afraid that I will regret breaking up when I will find myself.

I need a job. I need something to do. I need to immerse myself in something. But I am so scared of moving on with my life.. I want to work but in the same time I don’t want to. I have a job offer in a coffee shop and today I’m going to find more options. I keep asking myself If I will stay here or go to Germany.. I wish I could be more present.  Two weeks ago I started praying and going to church. I guess I was never the religious guy.. I was more of a guy who makes fun of religion and all that. I used to say it’s bullshit and manipulation. A friend of mine advised me to try it and I do that.. I guess out of despair I could try everything to help myself.

I am hurt. I am scared and I am lost..  I know it’s going to be fine and when I will find myself I will say it was worth the journey. 

Why is it so hard to let go of her? … Or is it letting go of myself ? 

Am I just scared to be alone again.. like I’ve been before for such a long time ? 

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else like her?

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else because my lack of confidence with girls? 

Am I scared I actually love her but I just don’t realize it? 

I am just.. scared. But I am strong !

Thank you !

1. Dear anita

Thank you so much for your appreciation towards my way of thinking. Its been a while since I received such compliment.

I tried to take yesterday to think a litle about what to do but I felt anxious and angry at everyone. I keep getting angry at my girlfriend aswell .. Day after day. It really feels like I want to isolate myself and be by myself. I feel overwhelmed by society and I sometimes feel like I don’t fit anywhere.

You know..  I keep feeling like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind. I don’t know if that is my answer… But im afraid I’ll move to Germany and I will keep fighting with her over and over..

F*uck!!!  is there any area wich actually works fine in my life?!

I know it’s going to be fine.. I will be great.. But I’m so tired of waiting..

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Robi1992.

Dear anita

This is the first time when I can truly say I started to identify the source of my struggles. When I decided to write here I taught I will find such complex insights. It really seems like you got it right. I think you are very gifted and you have a very sharp sense of understanding.

Indeed It really seems like I am doing the same thing I’ve always done. Even If I already wrote that in other words, It took someone else to point that to me.  I think I am living again what I was living for all my childhood. I suppose that is also the source for my social anxiety symptoms. I was never very open, but weirdly enough I was. It always depended on the people around me at that moment. You know those indian totem poles? Well.. its something like that. When I meet someone who ( by my level of understanding and judging people ) seems better in some way than me ( let’s say on a higher level )  I tend to be nervous. On the other hand, if the opposite happens I can be quite self confident and even charming. Than I feel in control and I tend to dominate. I might even fall in the other extreme.

” This anger needs to be addressed before you can un-trap yourself, free yourself from the habit of waiting. ”

I am not sure what addressed means in this context. I sadly don’t really know what to do about it by now.

I noticed I feel much better and I temporarely feel like my struggles are gone if I have something to do. For example If I have a very busy day and I feel like I’m doing something everything seems to be fine and I have a feeling of fulfillment and happiness. But I don’t have very busy days. I don’t need to be anywhere and I don’t need to wake up in the morning for a specific reason. I feel like I need to wake up in the morning and go somewhere with a purpose and have a routine that keeps me alive. I did have a routine in school and even high school, when I had to go somewhere every day. Sometimes it was school sometimes It was a coffee shop skipping classes. I was always doing something.. but now it feels like every day just repeats itself and I’m asking the same questions over and over again.

My girlfriend its telling me every day I need to change. She keeps telling me every day I should find a way to stand on my own feet, learn german ( since we spoke about moving to her country ), clean more and be less impulsive and aggressive. I am not aggressive in a physical way but I tend to get very angry when we fight. She does as well. Indeed I sometimes insult her without realizing it at the moment. I always regret and apologize but that’s the only thing I do. I don’t change anything. I talk a lot but I don’t really do.  It’s frustrating… I really want to change those things but I simply postpone it every time like I keep forgetting about it. It might seem like I don’t care..  Once my therapist told me I don’t care about anything. But I think I do. Otherwise I guess I wouldn’t feel bad about not changing.

I need to do something to feel like I’m getting somewhere.. and it’s hard because there is a lot of resistance.

Thank you so much for listening!

Dear anita

Well.. I guess I never felt very close to my parents. I was very attached to them as child ( very young  barelly remember something) but as I grew up I started liking them less and less to the point of being against them when it comes to pretty much everything.

Most of the times it felt like I hate them and I considered them loosers. I basically considered everyone to be better than my parents and I showed them that.  I cannot say I had a specific reason to feel that way about them. I was also against them even when they where right..

About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom. As I mentioned in my first and very long post, they used to keep me with them at their workplace after finishing my school. I had to just sit around there for 6..7 hours every day after finishing school. Only after I was going home.. With them. All of my friends used to go home after school and watch TV, play games or just.. Maybe have some time on their own.

I guess I hated them for that.

I also hated them for not having my own room. Well.. I did. But none of the stuff there was mine. It was one of the rooms my parents basically used to keep various stuff in. The appartment I was raised in only had 2 rooms. Except from the living room and kitchen there was only one room left.. The room I was sleeping in. It wasn’t so bad.. Some people make it with much less…

But… It had a door basically made of glass.. U couldn’t see clearelly through it.. But it didn’t give me a feeling of privacy. They used to also come in whenever they needed something from there and that used to happen every time.. They kept stuff they used daily there. I never had my own space. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and personal things around.

I also hated them for that..

I used to minmize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I dont know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself.

I also kept most of my friends as a secret from themt. I never wanted my parents to get to know my friends.

I don’t know if this answered your question..
‘Did you feel seen by them through the years, heard, listened to?<
Or did you feel through the years with your parents, invisible, empty, lost in nothingness?”

Well.. I felt controlled not necesarelly seen. Heard.. Maybe. They bought me stuff I wanted occasionally but that’s pretty much where it ended.

Invisible I didn’t. They could almost see me through that glass door. Also hear me. So.. Imagine me taking call. So I was listened to aswell.. But not the way I would’ve preffered.

I don’t know about the empty of lost part.. I wasn’t happy.. I’m sure about that. Being a big part of my childhood trapped in their woworkplace indeed made me feel invisible.. I was always there.. Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm.. Pretty much like…  now.

Well u said it.. Things from childhood do repeat..  S*it.

There was also the lake house. In summers we lived there. I had nothing to do and not much friends. I was living there for the summer. My friends used to come for the weekend and get back to the city. Again I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not.

My parents where there every second of my childhood.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Robi1992.

Okay! I get it. And I will do exactly that.

I allready established that waiting for my answer while not taking any kind of action is not going to lead me anywhere. What strikes me.. It’s the fact I knew this all along but I still haven’t changed anything.

My plan was to go and live abroad to my girlfriend’s country and find a job there. I said it a lot but in 8 months I didn’t manage to learn her language. I have about 2 months left and I’m not that sure if I should go.

It could be good for me to experience something new and restart some how and finally be financially independent. But I’m also scared things will turn out worse than they are here. Maybe we will take with us all the fights and anger we are having here.

To be honest with you, I also scared of losing her. I’m not sure if it’s because I truly love her or im just scared of being single again. As u allready know it started very special and it meant so much to me. But latelly I’m not so sure anymore. She’s living in one month and the plan is for me to follow. She will go regardless of my decision to stay or go somewhere else.

She came here for a year for us to be together and she didn’t like It here. Also things didn’t really work between us and we’ve been fighting a lot.. But we stayed together. We are living together and maybe that was too much and too early.

A part of me wants to go. Because that part of me feels like it’s just a phase and we are going to work it out together. In the same time I feel like maybe when I will find my personal ballance, our relationship will also feel good again. We both seem to struggle with persobal issues..

On the other hand.. I feel like it’s not really working anymore. And I feel like I am too young for something as serious as this seems to be. And.. Yes.. Sometimes I feel like I should experience more dating.. Maybe its just my ego talking.

Its a very difficult decision for me to take without having much clarity.. Its so hard to focus about so many issues. Its such a huge pressure. And most of the times I’m scared that.. If we break up.. I might regret it later on. Because.. What I had with her.. At least at the beginning doesn’t happen to everyone. I felt really lucky. And maybe I am.

Thank you anita

You made such a big difference!

Dear anita

I still have hope. I’ve never lost my hope and I know some day things are going to be much better. Even If I am not taking much effort towards getting there I am sure I will get much better and stronger on the way. In the last year I felt this urge to get better and dedicate a big part of my life to help others also looking for answers. Since I don’t really function, first I need to get myself back up. Well… just up.

When 2017 started I felt like things got so much better and I somehow forgot about all my struggles. I started being much more social, having much more things to do, doing sports, partying a lot and meeting new people every day and easily connecting with everyone. I also had my great relationship I wanted so much for so long. I was very happy and confident..  I was just walking on the street and smile.. it was like something inside of me changed and I was running a different version of myself. I even cared much less about what other people think of me.. Because I was finally feeling myself. And I was finally happy with who I am. It felt like I couldn’t fall back where I was before.. But I did. This only lasted for around 2 months.. and when I got back from my Erasmus year.. I did fall back.. maybe even lower.  It’s like I had a demo of how my life could be.

Therapy

After coming back home in March I started seeing a therapist. I wanted to get back up so much..  Things started to feel really bad and I was sure I am depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. A lot of Google-ing and watching Tedx Talks happened so I kind of labeled the way I felt.

She was nice. She was listening and also talking a lot to me. Felt like a conversation between two friends but I cannot say I was completely comfortable opening myself in some areas. For example, I never told her I was suffering so much from being single and having no physical interaction for about 3 years. That felt like the end of the world for me back then.. and It felt like everyone but me was doing that. I felt like a freak. We never came across that subject.. Maybe I would’ve said it. I don’t really know. I was completely honest with her and I wanted her help.. So I basically did and told her whatever she wanted to know.

However we spoke a lot about my parents and my childhood, my passion for photography and others, my university years, my relationship with my girlfriend and the fact I was looking for a job at the moment and I wasn’t getting anywhere with it. The first two times It felt like we are not on the same page at all.. and it felt like she is not really getting what I’m trying to express. I was surprised later to find out that she did actually get me and she really paid close attention. Right than I regained trust.. and I felt like this is working.

As I told you above, I was waiting for a diagnosis. I expected myself to be either depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. Or all together if that’s even possible. Her diagnosis wasn’t coming and that made me feel like she’s ignorant or she’s not trying at all to help me. So I told her.. I feel like I might be mentally sick.. I told her I was expecting a diagnosis.. I told her I needed something to point my finger at.. because so far, I didn’t know anything.. I was just talking.  So she gave me a test which consisted in a sheet of paper filled with questions like: I feel angry / sad / unmotivated / all kinds of feelings … once a week  / sometimes / every day..  You get the idea. I filed it and next day went back to her. It felt like she only gave me the test because I asked her what’s wrong with me.. I guess there was no need for the test in her opinion at least.

She said:

” You are not sick. You want to be sick. Sadly for you, you are a healthy person. ”

I felt somehow relieved to hear that but in the same time even more layer of fog added. After she checked the test she gave me she said I tend to be socially anxious and I am not depressed. She did say I have a tendency towards depression but right now there is nothing wrong with me except for not knowing what I want to do with my life and having a direction / a path / a goal.

What I understood from her answer.. I want to be sick. I am stopping myself from taking any kind of action. I want to be sick so I have the reason to do nothing.

I last seen the therapist in December 2017. Since then, I started my first job which ended after one month, I kept going to interviews but nothing really worked out. I didn’t want to do much so basically that was the main reason. Some of them could’ve worked well.. but I always found reasons not to start working. Indeed few times I actually started working, like a few days to try it out but eventually they didn’t take me..

Since then, I still felt anxious, sad, unbalanced, bored and stuck in a loop. My girlfriend kept telling me every day I should start working or at least learning her language so we can both go to her country together. For some reason… I just fail at doing anything.. It’s like I want something but I keep forgetting about it every day.. I cannot keep doing something.

Thank you so much, for reading all this and showing interest in my story. This means a lot to me and I wish I could give back to you in some way. I am very grateful!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Robi1992.