Dear Anita,

Everything you said resonates deeply. Dammit! By now I understand all these things come from my childhood and I know I keep reliving my childhood experiences. I think I knew it for a long time before I understood it. Why do I ”go back to sleep” every time I re-realise this over and over instead of working on a strategy and speed up the process …

It amazes me how very often we choose to be uncomfortably comfortable. I gotta do a little more. I was thinking of visiting Paris for a few days but maybe I could invest in some coaching instead. F*ck Paris.  I often invest in things… and forget the most important ones. I wonder where I’ve learned that.  🙂

Thank you Anita, I’ll write soon !

Dear Anita,

Where do I begin ? There’s so much going on and depending on how I feel sometimes it feels like a total mess and other times it’s all good and comfy. It’s been 6 months since I left Spain and came here to both start a new chapter and live with this woman. It felt right for me to step out of that life and try something new so I came to Poland. Everyone questioned my decision to live Spain but I didn’t let myself be affected by that.. I wanted to go because I felt this is the right thing to do. Everything was pointing me towards it, so I’d like to believe I followed my gut feeling. I guess I’ve always had a very strong connection to my gut, which I very often suppressed. There’s nothing like that feeling when you feel something is right or wrong but you don’t act on it and then find out your gut feeling was right. Well, I’ve learned that only in the last years so I lately pay more attention to what I feel and I try to guide myself based on that.

The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ”voice” I’m hearing.  Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ? I know..  this is subjective and there are many ways to see it.

So lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship. Being here in Poland of course is less engaging, less vivid and surely more quiet than living in Spain but that doesn’t seem to be my main concern. There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over.  1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else ?

1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I don’t feel like I want to be myself around her the way I wanted before. I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her… I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance.

All these shouldn’t bother me that much if I didn’t think they might come from my fears. There is nothing wrong with feeling like someone is not right for you.. Sometimes I guess things just don’t click and that’s fine. But the ”what if” question is the one that makes it tricky for me. What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming ?

Also, I seem to drift away often thinking before things were better..  I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ”freedom”. I often feel like that way actually worked better for me. Also here, the question is the one that makes everything difficult. What part of me was I feeding when I was going out with these girls? I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me.. I do see the stereotype we often see in the movies when emotionally damaged people often engage in such superficial, short relationships. I have to say I did enjoy those kind of relationships but always felt like I wanted something serious. I wanted a woman in my life, who will be by my side and share great moments together. I wanted something authentic, something real.

And.. I guess I have it. I think I did recognised it right away but something gradually ”took over”. I often feel like there are 2 parts of me which are quite different and I don’t seem to be able to merge them or make them work together.

2) Should we stay or should we go. 

The thing is… our living conditions here are not ideal. Because none of us earns that much we decided to live with her mother, in her apartment. Prices here got through the roof since we have a war going on not far from here. It’s very nice of her mother to let me live here in her flat but I don’t feel right here at all. First of all, for whatever reason which is still unknown to me, I can’t stand her. I just don’t want to be around her at all, and I avoid that as much as I can. I don’t know… she doesn’t speak english and we cannot comunicate. We sometimes exchange a few words but that’s it. I really don’t like sharing any space with her so very often  get frustrated about this. I know most probably it’s something in me that I’m facing but still, I cannot get any clarity around it. At first it was just a little itchy but now I feel tense when she’s around. I also almost never look towards her, I feel like there is something energetically wrong between us.

Besides all these complex dynamics: me and girlfriend / me and girlfriend and mother / girlfriend and mother / etc. here is also another thing I find challenging. Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ?

Well, you’re not gonna believe this. 

None of the rooms except the livingroom and bathroom have doors. They have some sort of accordion type door which folds and unfolds. It basically does nothing so very often no one bothers closing them anyways. Now you can imagine how someone like me who lacked his privacy during his childhood would feel in such apartment. I really feel like I’m lacking my own space, and I’m being challenged on a very deep level. I know! I know! It does sound like these issues are reaching out to be healed/fixed .. but I’m not sure amongst all the things going on I have the space to deal with that. It really feels like a lot to process. I stayed because I thought I can deal with it somehow, or I might even be able to overcome this discomfort. There is always a teaching in everything, especially in such coincidences.

Now, after almost burning out all my mental energy and almost going nuts, I told my girlfriend that I hate her mum and I’m going crazy. Well, I didn’t exactly say that.. but I told her I don’t feel good around her mum and I miss my privacy. These weeks we’ve discussed many things, going through all kinds of roller-coasters. She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else. I think that’s a good idea, maybe it would be good for both of us and I do believe that living here also effected our relationship. I think we could benefit from a better setup, a more suitable space where we can grow together as a couple. Her mum’s alright you know.. but I don’t think this kind of dynamics are suitable for this stage of relationship we are having. We are still getting to know each other… and we should be having better intimacy.

Dammit.. what a mess right ?! But the mess has changed and that I like. It means I’m learning something, and moving on. Nothing worse than being stuck in the same places. 🙂

Anita, thank you for reading this ! Of course I’ve haven’t been very brief..  Once I start..

I’m looking forward to hear your thoughts about this and I wish you a lovely evening, or day !

Dear Anita,

I’m so happy and surprised to see your post! It’s good to hear from you! I’ve been sometimes wondering how have you been and how these last years changed your life. I regret not reaching out. Every now and then I would think of this forum and this thread. I even checked it every now and then, but not this year. At times I would picture this moment when I write a continuation of this long story I’ve written here, where I tell you I’ve ” made ” it, or I finally got it / I found it /solved it  – or something like that.

Well,  a lot has happened. And yes, I’ve made it. I’ve made it big time actually. I’m still on the road, still working on myself but this time both my mind and body stronger.

Before the pandemic started I was working already for a few months in this language school as a teacher, in Spain. At some point I was quite busy but It has been a struggle to motivate myself to go to work every day and not feel like an impostor in front of my students. Suddenly we all stopped working and we went into a full lockdown. It felt strange, but it also felt like this is the moment of a big change. Not sure if I felt it on a personal or collective level. ( both I think ) It also felt good because suddenly I had no responsibilities, it was out of my hands. I felt confort. Now I can just do nothing and not feel guilty for it. And that’s exactly what I did. My flatmates left and I’ve been there, in a big flat for a couple of months by myself.

At first of course I felt like I was going crazy. I wasn’t going out anymore, I wasn’t getting drunk, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone with anything, I wasn’t really escaping anymore. I was just there by myself, learning to enjoy my own company. Right before the pandemic I’ve already started working out, I was slightly overweight and I wanted to look and feel better. So now since I’ve got an empty flat, time and a nice terrace on the rooftop, I took full advantage. I quickly adjusted and I’ve never felt better in my entire life. I would wake up in the morning, make myself a nice healthy breakfast, go up on the rooftop and train, get some sun, read, later on eat, maybe watch a film. I felt great, I felt like I’m finally moving. My life was finally changing.

Months passed, I kept training, reading and getting to know myself better without filters. I found my confidence slowly, I noticed I have a voice that has something to say and can be trusted. I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust what I feel. I slowly learned to listen to my gut feeling. I’ve learned to be compassionate to myself. I came much closer to myself. After the lockdown Spain had a very slow and progressive lifting of restrictions so I’ve come back to my ”old ” life in a very progressive manner. It was perfect. In many ways I was slowly merging the old lifestyle with the new me. Might sound naive but I really felt new. I looked different, and I felt different. I was the world through a different lens, and every time I would feel insecure or low, I would have much better judgement and I would calmly and compassionately bring myself back to who I now knew I was. I felt and knew that I was finally on the right track, I was growing, learning, I had appetite for things and for the first time I didn’t feel less than everyone else. I felt good being myself and I’ve learn to say no when I mean no and vice-versa. I’ve learned to have my own opinion and stick to what I feel that’s right rather than what people might wanna hear me saying.

Time passed and I kept getting better at things, I started training on the beach, getting much better social life. Of course the ladies liked me more all ripped and confident. I started also going out with girls more, but not much worked out. Funny enough it always seemed like we were in bad sync… they often had to lave Spain right after I’ve met them. In April 2021 Ive got an online job, part time but It came in perfect sync with everything. The school job wasn’t paying enough anymore and my parents have been supporting me for some time now. Since then Ive been working online and Ive got pretty good working conditions because I can choose when I work, and how much. ( double edged sword, I know.. but I guess there was no better way ). That job also filled this professional aspect, and I was finally earning more decent money and because It was part time I was able to keep working on myself. Train, go out, read, listen to music etc. I was very happy !

So 2 summers passed and during the summer of 2021, after a quick and challenging growth process, there I was. Still in Spain, training under the sun every day, partying quite a lot but more mindful. I kept meeting interesting people and I started to be more selective with my friends and choose people who add good things to my life. It was then when I became more interested in astrology and the univers itself. Of course I knew something about these topics and always felt somehow connected to them but maybe wasn’t ready. I started seeing the teachings every experience has to offer and I begun to truly believe and feel there is guidance. I felt like I found ”the thing” that works for me. With every new/full moon I would feel it deeply in my body and mind and I would take the time to introspect, on my rooftop, under the stars. I would talk to myself, I would introspect on the way things are going in my life. I would ask myself how I feel and what my hearth wants.

I would be there for myself.

Towards the end of the summer season I kept feeling more and more that something big is changing again. I felt like the ground I’m standing on is running away from me. I felt like I’m changing fast, and I often felt overwhelmed by all the big changes that were happening in my life. I did very often say out loud,  I’m ready. Whatever is coming my way, I am ready. In September 2021 I met this girl. ( you knew that was coming didn’t you? :)) )

Ok, this has been a big change. Very big. Here I was, happy, strong, confident and in best shape ever. I was very actively going out with girls but nothing seemed to work out for various reasons..we would maybe sleep together a couple of times but then they would have to leave the country. Happened a few times. So one day in September I meet this girl. I don’t know how to go about this, it’s a very intense story and I’m not sure I know how to put it in the right sentences. Let’s just say the way we met was magical in many ways. Things happened, I was there, she was there. I saw her and the world stopped. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence, it felt very real and to me it all made sense. She was there on vacation and had to leave a couple of days after.

Fuck me. really? again?

Well, yes.

But that didn’t matter. We both felt it and knew right away that we are very lucky. She came back to visit me of course after we spent those days together. Got rid of her fiancee and came back to see me. Up until this summer we’ve been seeing each-other every month for a bit. She’s beautiful and she’s such a good person. She likes the same things as I do, we are very similar, we have the same favourite movies, music, etc. Sounds like I’ve met the right lady. Finally! That’s what I always wanted! What more could I possibly ask for?  I’m on the right path, I live under the sun every day, I feel confident, I’m dating a beautiful woman who I share so many things with and I have a six-pack.  :))

Well. You know. No level-up comes for free.

There is always some work to be done first. I was right when I felt there was some big change coming my way, both before the pandemic and the summer before I met her.

My life in Spain started to feel different, like it wasn’t serving me anymore. I would still love the sun and working out on the beach and I would still love a glass of wine with a nice tapa in the middle of the day. I was changing. I kept feeling like I needed to change something. The way I lived for the past 2 years, partying and enjoying every moment suddenly felt like it cannot be done anymore. There was also the distance. She wanted to move to Spain but needed time for that. It has been her dream to live there, and now she had one more reason to do it. I didn’t want to wait and I kept feeling that I wanted to live Spain and go live with her in Poland. ( for a while at least until we go back to Spain together ) I’ve been telling myself that I want us to be together and make it easier for both of us. Since I work online, my location isn’t a problem. I’m not sure if that’s the main reason. I really felt it, in my gut, that I have to go. That I need something new, that I need to take my first step. And I did it. I left Spain, the place I loved so much, the place where I’ve, in many ways found myself. I left the place where I built this last segment of my path, the one that feels closest to who I am really. I left the place where I was considered to be cool, girls looked at me training on the beach and I was always invited to the best parties in town.

I left the place that recently has became my comfort zone.

You probably noticed how many times I repeated the ” I “. I this, I that during this long post. Well.. here is something I got to work on. You see, these last weeks I started seeing all this for what it is. Why did I leave Spain to live in Poland? Yes the lady’s nice. But I could’ve waited there for her. I left because I couldn’t be the person I used to be there. I was feeding my ego and I’ve been doing it all my life. Getting a lot of attention from both females and people in general fed my ego big time, the parties etc. Made me live a superficial life. I did enjoy it, It was amazing. But I feel this is my next step. I’m learning how to be myself, still.

So, now I live in Poland. I work online, I’m still half lazy but I have ways better control of my life. I’m currently struggling with all these changes that recently happened. There are many questions arising:

Why did I live Spain really? What did I run away from? What pain was I trying to numb while seeking attention?

It has been a little difficult for me lately. It all felt right for me to leave Spain, and once I’ve done it, it started to feel overwhelming  to be here, to do all this. You know why? Because there are less ways to escape here. Here I have no parties to go to and and I’m being faced with another layer of myself. Deep down I knew this is what I was doing, but now that Im here, feeling at times frustrated and confused I have to say. It’s damn hard. I again left the confort.

I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on and I feel how some wounds I have can make even the most beautiful person in the world look like the source of my frustration. Luckily she is very inteligent and supportive. Today we talked about these things for a bit and after some thinking I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD. One of the most influential writers I’ve come across is Gabor Mate, who speaks a lot about it. I wasn’t sure this is where my attention should go but now, it does feel like it. So that’s what I’ll do. I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 years, I’ve replayed many things from my childhood. As you said a few years ago… it’s all there. I’ve learned a lot about it. I see what triggers me, how and why. Sometimes I manage to smile at it and just see it for what it is. Sometimes.. it gets the worst out of me. Well, like any skill it will take some time. Surely I am not a beginner anymore 🙂

So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed. It has been a long year this one, a lot has happened. I’ve seen my parents a few times this year, had a few disputes, I see where all comes from. Its a long process but what else am I supposed to do? I might as well enjoy it 🙂

Thank you Anita! I don’t think that moment I’ve played in my head has come. In some ways it did and I could say that I’ve made it ! But then again, there will always be something next around the corner and I guess I wouldn’t change that.

Thank you for reading all this and I’m sorry for not being able to be bief.

Thank you for everything you’ve shown me in the past, all that had later made me understand so much.

And thank you for thinking of me! That means a lot! Sending much love your way and I hope to hear from you soon!

Robi

Well hello again,

Almost one month passed since I wrote here. It starts to look like a journal. Ahm..  I’m still here and not so many things changed. Actually almost nothing changed. I started having some kind of teaching job in an academy and I started with only 2 courses per week. Sadly it stayed there for the last month and a half and I didn’t get any more students.  Lately I even only worked there once in 2 weeks because students don’t seem to come every week. I have been here for almost 3 months now.. and I applied to approximately 60 restaurants/bars, 18 language schools, 30 other jobs I found online – rent a car jobs, airport jobs, supermarket jobs..  and I’ve got nothing by now.  It is true, it does feel like I haven’t done my best. Most of the times I didn’t even want to try to go somewhere and ask for a job.. there are days when I haven’t done anything, there are days when I have been watching movies. There are also days when I went from place to place and handled them my CV.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I don’t specifically want some kind of job. There is a part of me who seems scared of having a job.. because I am not used to that and I don’t seem to want to leave my comfort zone at all. But on the other side this is what frustrates me the most and I want to change it and have a normal responsible life. For some reason I don’t seem to achieve that. And I tried that for years ( at least that’s what I think ).  I was scared about ending up here and doing the same thing I was doing home.. And I guess that’s exactly what I did.  I still have no job, no income, I feel lonely, lost and depressed.

I go out with friends 3…4 times a week, I drink and I party but that doesn’t make things much better. I do have moments when I enjoy being here and I feel hopeful but I still feel like some kind of outsider.. like I am outside everything.. outside life?! Everyone seems to handle it in some way an everyone seems to have a job and some kind of drive towards something.

I appreciate what I have.. and I am doing my best to be grateful for everything. Grateful for having enough money to live comfortably, enough food, great shelter, parents and friends. I am also grateful for my experiences so far and I am grateful for who I am today. BUT I don’t like who I am to be honest. I don’t like the fact I am so lost, I don’t like the fact I don’t have a job at the age of 26, I don’t like the fact I am procrastinating sometimes and I don’t like the fact I feel lonely. I have a few friends and they are great people.. But I miss being with a girl and not having any girlfriend or any other kind of relationship with a female except friendship or some small talk in a bar..  I feel socially anxious especially around girls. I seem to be scared to get close to someone again.. and I definitely don’t want to repeat the live have had a few years ago.. when I’ve been lonely for about 4 years. It does seem like it’s going in the same direction..  and.. since I haven’t really changed, It probably does.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s attention I need.. or I simply need to feel loved and appreciated.

The things is.. I came here to change my life and live a good life. I came here to be happy, start having a job and finding myself and it feels like I failed again. It’s awful. I still have days when I cry and I keep praying to god, universe, whatever else is there in hope that somehow I will feel some kind of drive towards something and I will find my motivation to pursue it.  It does seem like I am the only one going trough this.. and maybe I am. I mean..everyone has it’s own version of struggles.. but pretty much everyone seems to have a job and be able to go out and enjoy some quality time in the company of a girl. At least these two. A lot of my friends from here or other countries tell me they are not happy and they have no f*cking clue what they are doing with their lives but they all seem to manage so much better than I am.. and I feel like I am miles away behind. I know it sounds childish..  it does sound like a superficial mentality.. but that’s how I feel.

And I don’t think I am sick.. or depressed. I have ups and downs.. I have days when I’m feeling alright.. I have days when I am hopeful and I have days when I feel discouraged and lost.. but it never lasts for very long. I am asking myself quite often if I should go back to my country and look for a therapist and do everything that’s necessary to heal myself.. and I don’t know if this is or not the case. I have been doing therapy before.. and It didn’t really do much for me. I don’t know.

Money is running out.. I keep receiving money from my parents but I don’t know what I am going to do.  I don’t really know were I want to be either. I like it here.. but it gets boring when I don’t have a job or some kind of schedule..  And no.. trying to make my own schedule like running, reading, looking for a job, etc. doesn’t work. I kind of need some schedule to keep me busy and make me feel like I am accomplishing something and it feels  like I am cursed not go get it.. almost like no matter what happens I end up doing the same thing..

Thank you so much for reading. I feel pathetic.. I whine on and on about not being able to be a strong good man who has a good job, feels good and confident, has great friends and does good for himself and the ones around him. Is it really that much of a big deal?

Thank you both, for your replies.

I am grateful to have the great opportunity to have access to all this.

Last days haven’t been the easiest. Even if it’s a really beautiful place I took with me whatever was wrong before when I was home. I expected that to happen of course.. but I somehow hoped it’s going to change.. at least a little. Not sure if it did.

The fact is.. It all comes in waves.. I just don’t feel like doing any kind of effort.. I don’t feel like sending cv’s, like going to places to ask for a job… it’s really  a vicious circle. I don’t feel like doing much but if I’m not doing much I feel frustrated and pressured.

I find myself crying sometimes.. it seems to calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes I have these ups and downs.. I could wake up motivated and pretty okay and later on that day I will feel low and hopeless.. and I will cry. I end up thinking about going back home and starting some serious therapy..  maybe I need to take care of this first in order to be able to proceed in my life. But.. I am here now.. I spent a hell of a lot of my parent’s money to do all this..   I don’t know if I can do this.. and it somehow feels like I have a serious problem… and I feel like everyone else manages to exist and take care of themselves. I think I am still a kid.. I live pretty much the same.. and I don’t know If I can do this.

I sent a few applications to some rent a car companies in the airport..and some other stuff as well. But… I don’t even feel like I want to work… but in a way I want to.. I don’t know what I want.. I would’t say my life is so bad but.. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.. I seem to miss something. I seem to miss an important part of the puzzle.. And without that I cannot really function. Time passes and nothing really changes inside me… I tend to accept the present and procrastinate most of the time.  I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. But when I have to apply for jobs,  look for jobs, or do any kind of progress towards that.. I turn lazy, numb, tired.. unmotivated. I don’t know what to do..

I feel like giving up so often.. like go back home. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in my room..( which I am not doing ).  I always tend to feel really low.. bad..and after 30 mins or so.. I switch my focus on something else and I feel fairly good again. So I wouldn’t say I am living in a constant state of depression.. It feels like I am just unaware of everything. I am aging and not doing anything.. time passes and I just float around.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties.. I spend my parent’s money.. but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything.. or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic.  It’s.. hard to understand. Its pretty much like I don’t care about changing anything but in the same time I want to change a lot..

Right now… I feel really down.  And I feel like there is no hope for me to heal. Im going crazy.

It seems like I don’t want anything…  but why…

Dear Mandelbrot

I am glad to hear from you and I am glad to find someone in a similar situation. These days I had pretty bad feelings towards my dating life.. which is not really happening lately and makes me feel really worthless. But I guess in my situation there are a few more reasons for that.. so maybe it’s a mix of everything all together. I don’t know not having any physical intimacy with anyone feels for you but I know quite well the feeling of craving for attention, interest and love.  For me, having a normal sex life from the age of 17 until the age of 20 and then not having any for 4 years felt like the end of the world sometimes..  In some cases having it and then not having it for a long time makes it worse. And maybe this is one of those cases. I do feel gratitude sometimes.. I don’t know If I could say it’s really truly felt gratitude but I feel good for the experiences I had. I think about some moments sometimes and I feel good about it.. or about myself. But as I said, I am not sure if I could really call it gratitude. Maybe I should feel grateful for it, and sometimes I try to.

Even if I had quite a few girls interested in me and I had some good experiences, I somehow still seem to forget all that and feel discouraged. Sometimes I am telling myself that.. If it happened for those few times, I am definitely capable and worthy of intimate relationships. And that is true, but I tend to forget that so many times and still end up avoiding opportunities or simply not even trying. Which is really frustrating !

Sadly I cannot afford any therapy right now… and I am about to move to a foreign country to try a fresh start somewhere else. It is a very difficult time right now for me because I have to figure out much more than you do. ( You could really feel lucky on this one ! ). I have never had a proper job, and I never really wanted to do anything.. I simply didn’t know what I want and who I really am. I still don’t. So I am basically about to go somewhere else, apply for jobs and hope that I will be able to find my balance and independence. And I really want to improve so many areas of my life.. Or I could simply say my whole life. It’s a lot of work.

I am glad you are having a satisfying job and you managed to sort things out well for yourself. That is very important. I wish so  much I could say the same about my situation. I think you have great reasons to feel grateful! I believe you will find your way of experiencing the relationships you want and you seem to be doing just that. It might be a long process but sometimes we have to trust our struggles.

Again, I am really glad to hear from you and I hope to hear more 🙂

Thank you for your great insights !

Dear anita,

Thank you !

Yesterday my ex landlord from Spain wrote me a message. She said she has a room for me starting from 22nd of December ( which funny enough happens to be my birthday .. ). Even if it’s pure coincidence I perceived it as some kind of ”sign”.  I decided to go for it and one of these days I will send her some money as a deposit, and I am planning to move there starting from January.

So basically.. I am going to move back to one of the rooms I used to live 3 years ago. It feels good because I know the landlord and she is really nice. I guess I would’ve preferred something completely new, but trusting and knowing the landlord it’s important for me. I’m grateful for her accepting to host me even if I don’t have a job yet.. and paying the rent could be a problem.. But she took that chance. My mother is going to help me with the deposit and some money for the rent.. let’s say until I find my balance. I am not very happy with the situation but right now I cannot do it on my own..

I felt like my plans are slowly falling into place yesterday, and I was happy. But. And there is a but.. of course. Anxiety started to kick in. ‘

‘ What If I won’t find a job and I will be supported by my parents again and again? ”

” What If I realize that I like it here more than I actually like it there.. ? ” 

” But being here is not that bad.. I have my friends here and if I go back to the big city I used to live in.. I could have great relationships ”

” What If I will be too shy to integrate at my workplace… if I find any ” 

” It would be easier to be a photographer here… simply because of the absence of the language barrier.. and because I know more people.. ” 

” What if I will be anxious and I will have no confidence.. and as a result, I will perform badly at my workplace ? ” 

I hate this… I wanted that and now that I am coming closer to it.. I start being scared about it. It might be normal in some cases.. but again.. every time I am moving towards something / anything.. there is resistance.. and I seem to find reasons not t do it.  But the thing is.. if things where the other way around, I would probably regret not going to Spain..

Analysis Paralysis ?.. I don’t know.

It’s not going to be easy for me to find work there.. it’s not a big city.. but that’s what I like about it. There are a few nice bars I used to go to.. and I used to have lots of friends there.. So..social life was always interesting because of the big wave of travelers. So there is variety and there are a lot of interesting people to talk to. But of course.. I had a lot of time to do that while I was doing my Erasmus.. Because school was quite laid back.. and my internship was pretty much just on paper since my ”boss” only signed my papers so I can enjoy the sun and the parties.. but actually had no need for an intern.. So I had money from the European Union as my scholarship, and a lot of free time.. So there was nothing else to do than go out. Of course things will be different this time.. very different.  But isn’t that what I want ?

So.. I again feel stuck. If I do nothing I feel frustrated and If I’m making progress I feel scared ( or whatever it is that I’m feeling ).

I think the main reason why I haven’t been doing much with my life has to do with me being anxious.. socially anxious and insecure. And I think this is my strongest enemy.

Thank you for reading 🙂