In the past during a crucial conversations I tend to imagine I knew what the other person intention was behind the words they were saying. Making up stories the generally upset me while very rarely asking them if what I imagine is was true.

One of the Principle of Charity states that if an interaction can be interpreted in several ways and that we cannot or have no intention of determining which interpretation is true then we should chose the interpretation that is most positive and upsets us less.

I have found that when we find ourselves repeating a specific scenarios of interaction with someone it often means that at some subconscious level both parties are attempting to heal a past hurt.

My opinion is that the only way to break out of the pattern is effective communication which unfortunately becomes so difficult when the issue is between families and talking doesn’t feel safe.

The following is an example of a self-defeating loop when real issue is something happening behind the words.

“Let’s say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn’t handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up.

Of course, since you’re not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark. “Another late night, huh? I’ve got Facebook friends I see more often.”

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.”
― Kerry Patterson, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

How to break the cycle from crucial conversations.
– Learn to Look
– Make It Safe
– Master My Stories
– Mutual Purpose
– Six Styles Under Stress
– Start With Heart
– Work On Me First

I cannot speak to your past relationship and why it didn’t progress as you hoped and dreamed.

I feel that there is a time to work out what happened in past relationships however there is a danger if the focus gets stuck on who did what to who and maybe if only I did this or didn’t do that.

This type of focus tends to keep us stuck in the past of pain, blame, negative self talk and hurt.

I do not mean to downplay the hurt and betrayal you have experienced, however if I’m reading your story correctly the marriage relationship is over and so what matters now is you and who you are and who you hope to become.

When the time is right and perhaps some distance created so that you might better be able to see an honest evaluation of your past experiences and how they impacted you will help you move forward… just be careful of getting suck replaying the past.

When the Past Is Present; Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships – David Richo

A touching fact about us is that we seem hard-wired to replay the past, especially when it includes emotional pain or disappointment. We tend to go through life simply casting new people in the roles of key people, such as our parents or past partners with whom there is still unfinished business. This phenomenon, called transference, is unconscious. What we transfer are feelings, needs, expectations, defenses, fantasies, beliefs, and attitudes. Transference can be our way of telling the untold story inside us. We can learn to notice clues about how our past is still very much alive in our present relationships. In this book, we also find practices to help us clear up our old business and form healthy relationships that no longer have to replicate the past. Then authentic intimacy can bloom.

I think we need to be careful when we talk about unconditional love as based on my observation many people interpret that as unconditional allowing.

In such a understanding unconditional love can become a hell of a condition to place on love.

For me I unconditional love means saying yes to the person as they while living my fate/truth as they must live theirs, respecting and when required defending boundaries theirs and mine. That doing so is an act of unconditional love even when the other does not experience it as love.

Very much recommend The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes

As a guy I can tell you that when a guy does the on again off again relationship such as you describe it usually comes from a place of insecurity. This type of relationship can be about power and maintain a safe backup in case he finds something better. Such people might also struggle with valuing what they have, preferring the chase to the having.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past and so both parties create and play out scenarios that there authentic self is attempting to come to terms with and heal. This is almost always subconscious and too often create the codependent relationship. Such scenarios will continue until they are solved.

Statistically the on again off again relationship do not mature. My own rule of thumb is three cycles and its over. And over means no contact. You may not like hearing this but ending a relationship with no contact may just be required for the healing of the past the authentic self was trying to solve.

With regards to Hope, Hope is a skill to often practiced badly that when passive, keeps the hopeful stuck.

There are times when hope can be dangerous as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing and there are times when hope is essential such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair.

“To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime. Erich Fromm

Doing Active Hope – Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone
The word hope has two different meanings. The first involves hopefulness, believing our preferred outcome is reasonably likely to happen. If we require this kind of hope before we commit ourselves to an action, our response gets blocked in areas where we don’t rate our chances too high.

The second meaning is about desire. It is this kind of hope that starts our journey — knowing what we hope for and what we’d like, or love, to take place. It is what we do with this hope that really makes the difference. Passive hope is about waiting for external agencies to bring about what we desire. Active Hope is about becoming active participants in bringing about what we hope for.

Active Hope is a practice. Like tai chi or gardening, it is something we do rather than have. It is a process we can apply to any situation, and it involves three key steps. First, we take in a clear view of reality; second, we identify what we hope for in terms of the direction we’d like things to move in or the values we’d like to see expressed; and third, we take steps to move ourselves or our situation in that direction.

Since Active Hope doesn’t require our optimism, we can apply it even in areas where we feel hopeless. The guiding impetus is intention; we choose what we aim to bring about, act for, or express. Rather than weighing our chances and proceeding only when we feel hopeful, we focus on our intention and let it be our guide.

A dance instructor I had once talked about learning how to accept that were you were, which foot or position you were currently in, was the correct position from which to move from.

Obvious right. I mean it’s not like you can magically shift weight onto the other foot without shifting your weight to the other foot. The only place you can move from is from the position you are in and so that position must be the correct place to be in for whatever comes next.

Yet how many of us get stuck by the thinking that where we are is not the right place to move from. (Even as we move)

You might argue this is a matter of semantics and or form of positive thinking but I don’t think it is.

By accepting the reality that you can only move from where you are and so where you are is the best place from which to move creates space to move more freely.

I know this realization does not help in answering the question of what the next move should be and look like. However when I accepted this truth in my dancing whatever did come next tended to be more graceful. Without the tension I was creating about being in the wrong position the next position flowed as part of the dance and music I chose to dance to.

Have you thought of getting back into one of your creative activates as a form of alchemy/Zen practice?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Peter.

Love one another as you love yourself. Do you follow this rule in your daily life?

Before I think that question can be answered I think we must understand what it means to love oneself.

What is this thing we call Love and If we were to love ourselves unconditionally what would it look like?

For many unconditional love is an unconscious expectation or requirement of unconditional allowing.
We are told love means we must turn the other cheek and that that means someone can be and do what they will and that forgiveness means saying what happened was ok. That is not love and not if we look how we love ourselves.

The expectation or demand that love be unconditional in this way is one heck of a condition!

What then is unconditional love?

When we meditate on the nature and experience of love it appears to operate on multiple planes. As conscious Beings we want who we are and so what we do to matter, to make a difference, to impact and be valued, especially in or interactions with those we care about. We seek meaning, purpose in our experience and expression of love.

We love ourselves unconditionally when we allow ourselves the experience of meaning and purpose in who we are and what we do which requires ‘getting to be’ held accountable for who we are and what we do.

When we don’t hold ourselves or others accountable we do not love them for such a thing would mean that who they are and what they do has no value.

For meaning and purpose to be experienced the qualities of accountability and responsibility must also be qualities of love. Love means we get to be held accountable and responsible for who we are and what we do. Thinking, feeling, doing, being

So it seems to me that we love ourselves when we hold ourselves accountable, in grace, for who we are and what we do. To love others as ourselves we love unconditionally and say YES to life as it is.

Loving others as ourselves is not a compromise nor does it require that we or the other be perfect.
Loving others as ourselves does not mean we make ourselves vulnerable. Acts of ‘turning the other cheek” are actually quite aggressive as it forces the person to see themselves as they are. Turning the other cheek can be acts of love or hate.

Loving ourselves means we live our truths in grace so that when we learn better we might do better. Holding ourselves accountable not out of anger or sense of justice but because that is how we learn who we are and experience meaning and purpose.

When we love others as ourselves we say YES to who we and they are.
We accept getting to be unconditionally accountable, for the good we and they do and what we might experience as bad. Not from a place of anger, hate, justice but Love.

Too often we create labels of our experience to justify and empower what we do to others and how we treat them. We call it justice or self-protection. We use hate and anger to hold others accountable, (and sometimes ourselves) but we can do not need to hate to empower our actions and being we can love.

This is not a Hate the sin love the sinner philosophy. When we say Yes to life as it is we say yes that we will missing the mark in our becoming (sin). This is not a passive allowing and accepting. We must live our truths. Saying Yes we must stand up and say no to what our truths require us to say no to, just as we must allow others to live there truths, coming from a place of love.

The emotion of anger might point to a confrontation with our experiences of our truths and others however we don’t need to empower the action we might take from a place of anger.

We say yes to life as it is by living our truths as authentically as we know them while being open to learning better. We will get it wrong just as the other we love will get it wrong yet in grace we create the space were everyone involved might become more conscious and awaken to who we are.