I was just listing to Clarissa Pinkola Estes telling the story of Skeleton woman.  Theater of the imagination

I won’t go into details but the story reminds us that phycological ‘death’ is a necessary part of relationship.  When we enter relationship, the task is to learn and grow and that takes a lot of ‘dying’

If I was asked what is the most important quality two people need to have in relationship I would say the ability to learn, and ability not to panic in those times when you don’t like the person you love.

http://www.apjq.org/en/Lecture%20-%20The%20Skeleton%20Woman%20-%20Final%20version%20-%20Nov%202011.pdf

You might find the following book helpful

How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

“Most people think of love as a feeling,” says David Richo, “but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.”

Some of my best trips have been driving without a fixed destination open to new discovery. And in the discovery knowing what to explore and perhaps focus intention.

I can very much related to your existential conundrum.  At the end of my search for meaning and purpose I have concluded is a fool’s game. Seeking things like meaning, purpose and happiness is like trying to grasp water or air in a grasping hand. The reason is that such experience exists in there being not as something created.  We do no create happiness but notice it. It is only after noticing happiness that we reverse engender it.  When I did x, y, and z it creates such and such which I experienced as happiness. We think that if I keep doing x, y and z trying to recreate such and such I should always be happy. And we fail, as such doing can only end in failure and depressed. Purpose and meaning are the same. As long as we are seeking we are not finding. (To find we stop in the still point of the moment)

When most people talk about purpose they usually image something grand and because its grand easily recognizable… hopefully applauded by others that will marvel at their purpose. Most purpose and meaning that we will experience belong only to us that no one else might noitice.

In your driving metaphor of driving without a fixed destination you seem to assume that you must identify and ‘know’ your purpose or meaning (Not the same things) before getting into the car and driving anywhere – as only drives with a specific direction can have purpose and meaning?  You may be seeking to define your purpose and meaning before you actually live it, which might be backwards.

That may be the wrong quest/question as the experience (state of being) of meaning and purpose occur in the process of being and then only if ones eyes are open. Even driving without direction can become experiences of meaning and purpose!

Your angst may not be so much about meaning and purpose but in choosing a path and that is not the same as purpose or meaning. The problem seems to be that not just any path will due but that you must “know”  what the ‘right path’is before travailing it, a path that is certain, with certain expectations of purpose and meaning.  Certainty is nice but it tends to turn on you especially for those seeking meaning or purpose. Certainty can close a person off to discovering what is right in front of them.

My advice for what is worth is to refrain the questions your asking yourself and enjoy the drive.  With such openness the drive itself maybe an experience of purpose and meaning and point you to your path.  (which will be the one you were always on)

In my philosophical search for purpose, I end with Camus that all philosophical search ends in the absurd and the choice to laugh or cry. “The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” ― Albert Camus

My end to the quest for meaning ends with Joseph Campbell

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.”― Joseph Campbell

You are the answer! Even driving without a destination is meaning, is purpose, when eyes are open. Open to wonder, open to bliss….

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”― Joseph Campbell

Worry about being whiney is whining about being whiney like worrying about worrying which can only be self defeating.

Ahh panic attacks. I get it. When were under the influence of a panic attack rational thought becomes difficult and we tend to be in an animal reactive, fight of flight state, vice a responsive one.

If you want to move forward your going to have to do some work on understanding how your panic attacks are triggered.  The good news is that your posts indicate that you know what the problem is and how to fix it.

You note that when you start to worry about the future, “what will happen to me if..”, “what will I do with my life if…” if, if, if… Its this worry that seems to trigger your panic attacks and even suicidal thoughts.

You stated that when you quit and stop taking class you calm down… for a while… but then start the process over again as you worry about where you will end up clinging to the idea of needing to have career path defined, certain and nailed down, which eventually leaves you feeling suffocated which triggers the panic attack and restarts the circle

See your ahead of the game. You know what triggers your panic attacks what calms you.

You tend to live in an imagined future that is overly influenced by your fears of “if”. Your afraid of the idea of a career path while clinging to the idea of needing to have a career path.  You can see how you created a repeating pattern of behaviour which has very little to do with what courses you might be taking or career path you selected. The immediate problem isn’t knowing what path to choose but the idea of having chosen on of having a path.

You might find it helpful to find a physiologist or some other third party expert (not family or friends) to dig into your resistance to the idea of a career path (committing) and why at the same time you cling to the idea of needing/having one (clinging is never helpful)

They may also help you with this tendency to project yourself into an imagined future…

You never waste an opportunity to worry today about something you might not get to worry about in the future. Most of the crap we worry about happening never happens. And if it does, we deal with it, that just what we do. So, you can see the absurdity of living in the future and that what might really be happening is a growing addiction to worry and anxiety. Yes, the body can get used to and even crave the chemicals released by worry and anxiety.

You also mention a fear of physical death however I also suspect an unconscious fear of physiological dying. The reality is that, physiologically the self is always in a cycle of birth, death and re-birth.  So, its likely that these experiences of suicidal thinking are not about a wish to physically dying but the unconscious Self expressing a need for a physiological dying so that a rebirth is possible.  You are stuck in physiological loop that is keeping attributes within the Self from dying so that they might be reborn leading to your becoming. Attributes, ways of thinking, ways of doing, feeling that need to “die” – let go of – so that you grow.

You certainly have had a hard year. I can’t address the issues you have experienced however would like to say something about the concept of hope.

If I mourn my hope that all will improve due to simple luck, will this allow me to move on and redefine my own goals and aspirations?

I think it depends on how you understand and exercise this thing we call hope.

Though some will disagree with me I believe that Hope is a skill.  Most people I have observed assume they “know” what concepts such as hope, forgiveness, love… without ever questioning their expectations, of those ideals, and so hope unskillfully.

We can hope with eyes closed (Passive) or with eyes open (Active). The danger with passive hope is that is often not hope but wishful or magical thinking.  Active hope is more intentional even when the hope is for something that is beyond our control.

Hope with eyes open is hope that is not attached to the outcome of what’s hoped but open to a something not yet visible.  It is a kind of hope that is a doing by not doing.  You might hope for your parent’s well-being to improve and work towards that goal, acknowledging as it says in the serenity prayer, changing what you can and accepting what you can’t, unattached to how that well-being might look. In this way, you create space for what is hoped to emerge in ways you might not have thought of.

There is a difference between fantasy, a dream, a goal, and an intention, and before we hope it might be helpful to become conscious of what our hope is pointed to. Is the hope pointed to a fantasy, a dream, a goal or an intention?  Once that is identified we might better know what we are really hoping for and if its worth holding on to.

For example, I might hope to win the lottery, but never buy a ticket. Such hope would be hope with eyes shut and unskillful. When I examine that hope I see its a fantasy hoping that luck will lead to Financial Security. The reality I’m really hoping for financial security. If I let go of the hope to win the lotto and instead hope for financial security, working towards that goal, while remaining unattached to how that Financial security must look like and be experienced I suspect I might discover that perhaps such security might not have anything to do with money at all.

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. -Seneca

“the most painful state of being is remembering a future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” – Kierkegaard

I think in dealing with anger we need to accept it as a valid emotion and experience. There is a time for all things.

You were hurt, it sucks, and its appropriate to feel some anger over what happened. The question then becomes what do you do with those feelings.

Acting out of anger would more likely to be a reaction to the experience then a response to it. And in reaction there is always a danger in becoming stuck in in anger where we become a victim to all that befalls us.

All emotions serve a purpose and anger contains the energy within it to address the issue to which the anger points to. That energy however can also be turned against ourselves and deplete us so we need to make our anger as conscious as possible and use the energy wisely.

Would the earth be better off with out humans?

Yes, environmentally certainly, but it would not be conscious as being so.

Then again, the sun could explode and destroy the earth… and one wonders if in that moment the earth would have felt it had purpose and that perhaps without it the universe might not be better off? Where would such wondering end?

I feel that the answer to the question lies in the question of consciousness which we know surprisingly little. Most spiritual writings, when the worlds are aloud to speak, suggest that Life/Universe/God/Love longs to become conscious of itself. That there is a kind of gravitational push towards a collective unconsciousness becoming a collective consciousness. Even within the study of quantum theory there is a hint that the mind participates in the creation of the material world if more often then not unconsciously. Such a realization would demand we become more conscious individuals. (which could be our purpose/meaning we give to life)

When one starts heading down that path of reasoning for an answer one sees that all experience are valid regardless of our judgments as they push us into consciousness. It is my conjecture that we become conscious when confronted with the problem of opposites. We do not become aware of cold until we have also experienced warmth.

If, in my opinion, the question of meaning is a question of consciousness we bring to life, then the next step is learning how to say Yes to Life as it is, all the good and the bad, all the joy all the pain, and know it to be Love.

The trick is being able to say Yes to Life as it is and still stand for one truths in the moment one knows them as truths. Fulfilling our destiny as we exercise our free will.

In such a place of being the question of if the earth would be better off without humans is no longer asked.

There are some who might view the story of Cinderella as being about gender roles. However as though symbolic language we see that the story might be about a time a cinders, grief, depression and a guide as to how to work through such times.

Like a dream each of the characters within the story represents a attribute of the dreamer/person hearing the story.

The story starts with a a persons who’s psych – feeling and being state – is in a time of ashes. The inner mother attribute in stead of being nurturing has become the ‘step mother’ – negative self talk, your not good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, lovable… The sisters representing the creative impulses, things ones liked to do have turned against you, no longer enjoyable and unable to pull the psych out of this time sadness. Alas the inner father – ability to set and defend ones boundaries – is missing and there are no brothers. It is a dark night of the soul

Here the story shows its wisdom. When we first find ourselves in a time of ashes the feeling/being aspects of the psych is not equipped to fight or defend itself. The advice here is for the psych to focus is on daily tasks of life. Go to work, clean the house… In symbolic language the house is often a symbol of the self. To work through the time of ashes we must take care of ourselves, our basic needs. We create in small ways a environment where healing can take place.

Cinderella does not role up in a ball, hide in a corner or shake her first of the unfairness of all. The focus is on the tasks of ones daily routine but with eyes open. The story insures that a numinous moment will come when something happens that points to some other possibility, a ball (wholeness). A possibility where her rags are turned to a ball gown. Cloths often symbolize the ideals in which we dress are selves in. Cinderella (feeling/being) gets a glimpse of seeing herself different. This is not something Cinderella (feeling/being) forces to happen but allows to happen. She is going with the flow and doing so gets the help of a deeper nurturing archetype of the God Mother.

Of course the negative self talk will be right there telling you you can’t go, your not good enough, lovable… and here Cinderella does not confront the negativity but sneaks off with the help of the God mother and other smaller perhaps over looked attributes of the psych that ones hasn’t paid much attention to before.

The story has a warning, at midnight (time of transition) she must return home. We are not meant to stay in these time numinous moment. I think the danger is getting stuck always looking for that next numinous moment. The seeker who is always seeking the next numinous moment but never becoming the finder. Never taking what one learns and turning it into action/wisdom.

This moment awakens the Prince, the psych inner warrior. The story changes from one of passively taking care of daily needs to action, a search, and working to reconnect to ones feeling and being nature.

The shoe does not fit the step sisters, no mater how you might try to make them fit. The ways of coping in the past and that might have fed ones creativity in the past may not be the way out. This is a search that will lead to a new way of seeing things and finding the right fit. This is a finding and connection to ones authentic self.

In the end the stories promises that if one goes though these trials there will come a time when ones doing and thinking marries up with ones feeling and being becoming the King and Queen of the psysh. Once that connection is made new adventure await. Children attributes of the psych you have yet to discover will be born and require to be nurtured but that is another story.

So yes you are on the right track.  🙂