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Peter

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  • February 23, 2018 at 1:21 pm in reply to: Do guys have feelings for your FWB at all? #194119
    Peter
    Participant

    Friends with Benefits
 Its hard to day how sex might impact a relationship but I don’t think one can break it down into a male or female thing.

    Just a few years ago such a question would assume that what men and woman wanted from sex was determined by their gender.  Men could have (and must want) as much sex as they could get without feeling where a woman could/should only have sex from a place of Love and commitment…

    Today the attitude towards sex is changing and I wonder if we might not be moving towards a time when sex and committed Love relationship are connected at all…  unless the two people chose for it to be.

    I remember a presentation given by a young woman about swinging. How she and her husband would stare into each others’ eyes as they were ‘being serviced’ by others. The other people involved were objects no different then a sex toy
 which she implied was the only way such an arrangement works.

    With regards to FWB I would assume that the ground rules were the same. Two people using each other for sexual gratification. That if either involved wanted something deeper the FWB relationship ends, and I guess if such a desire to take the relationship to a different level is one sided that the friendship ends.

    February 23, 2018 at 10:44 am in reply to: Can't Get Over My Birth #194105
    Peter
    Participant

    The book by Lewis B. Smedes – ‘The Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know how’ is a good guide.

    The practice of mindfulness might be a good place to start. Practice noticing when your thoughts become obsessive and fixated on the ‘story and feeling of being rejected’. The trick here is to notice without judging and labeling and in this way remaining a detached observer.

    Detachment is not the same as Indifference so notice how your thoughts ‘affect’ you. What emotions come to the surface. As an observer you notice the emotions without becoming the emotion. Perhaps you notice the thoughts are connected to the emotion of sadness or fear, or resentment
 without “becoming sad”, fearful or resentful.  The observer remains a still point of compassion, for yourself and others – in that space forgiveness becomes possible (forgiveness is a letting go not a forgetting. You mourn what you experienced as a loss, lean into it and step forward).

    As an observer to your thoughts check them for cognitive distortions. What is it you know and what thoughts are based on imaginings.

    For example. A part of your story is that had you been held by your birth parents you would now be free of a fear of rejection and so emotionally healthy. Notice that these thoughts are speculative, you do not know, and the story would not stop at that point. So, continue the story. Your birth parents kept you but their fears of not being able to care for you were real. They loved you but could not care or provide for you as your adoptive parents did. Perhaps there were days you went hungry and limited education possibilities that let you fall though the cracks. In stead of a fear of rejection you became angry and envious of others
. Statistically that is the more likely story then the one you have been telling.

    If there comes a time when you overcome your obsessive thoughts of rejection and not being good enough. As an observer you will notice that the solution occurred the moment you stopped and took responsibility for your thoughts and how you direct your consciousness.  You will have realized that you are not your past or your thoughts or your consciousness but director of thoughts and your consciousness. You can spend another 10 years digging into your past to get to that point or you can start today. I cannot change what happened to me, I have mourned what could not be. I chose to move forward from where I am (which is the only place any of us can move from)

    February 23, 2018 at 8:08 am in reply to: Can't Get Over My Birth #194067
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Jim

    I hope you don’t mind if I push back a little. Your situation reminds me of the following story told by the Buddha

    “Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, how tall he was, who his parents were, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man would die.” Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless speculation that does not bring us any closer to healing. – Thich Nhat Hanh:

    I suspect the psychologists are correct in saying connection immediately after birth is important for emotional development. Of course , such connection does not ensure healthy emotional development nor does a lack of connection always end in unhealthy emotional development. (Life always presents opportunities to overcome.)

    Knowing the why we behave the way we do is interesting and can be helpful in the process of letting go but it can also be a trap.

    As Ellimac4u stated its ok to feel what you feel however be honest with yourself if this is were you want to stay. Nothing wrong with staying where you are. At 64 you have put in your time.

    Your posts indicate that this is something you want to get over.  You have done the work in understanding why, you know the what and the how of what arrow shot you. Now may be the time to let that go. Forgive the parents you did not know, forgive the parents that took you in for not being able to give you what you imagine only birth parents can, forgive yourself for not getting what you imagine you missed out on and let it go.  Your past does not define you unless you want it to. If the obsession of the fear of rejection is not working for you, and knowing all the why’s have not helped you, its time to try a different path.

    February 22, 2018 at 2:05 pm in reply to: What should I do with my brother #193973
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Dia

    There is a difference between supporting, helping and enabling.

    Supporting someone is being fully committed to a person, whilst allowing them to do their part in terms of making any changes necessary. Supporting another empowers them, as it comes from connecting to another as an equal and understanding that they have the power within them to arise above whatever is challenging them.

    Helping another is when we essentially go over the line and enter into the other person’s space in an attempt to bring them to the line. This approach occurs when we perceive another as a victim of their circumstances, and judge that they are incapable of coming to the line for themselves and hence feel that to ‘support’ them we need to do the work for them.  The problem with helping another in this way is that, even if we do succeed in getting the person to come to the line it is essentially our energy doing it not theirs.

    Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior. Enabling is different from helping and supporting in that it allows the enabled person to be irresponsible.

    One needs to be very mindful especially within family if one is crossing the line between supporting, helping, or enabling.

    My observation has been that receiving ‘help’ from a family member more often then not ends in resentment so I would focus on support – creating the space for your brother to find his own way and yes that means allowing him to make mistakes. It is not your role as sister to parent.

    The other issue you mention is your concern and possibility jealously of how your parents parent your brother. It is understandable that you view the difference is treatment as enabling you brother’s behavior and it not being fair. (Am I correct in assuming there is some cultural influences at play here?) This treatment may not be fair however that issue is between you and your parents and is not about you and your brother.

    You are very fortunate to have a relationship with your brother where you can both talk about issues that concern you. My advice for what is worth is to be mindful about the ways you are communicating. Are you supporting, helping, or enabling. It is possible that the best support you can offer is being available to listen vice pushing an agenda.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
    February 22, 2018 at 12:39 pm in reply to: On the road to nowhere… #193959
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Denise

    “Not all those who wander are lost” is a line for a poem by JR Tolken ? It’s a call to the hero’s journey.

    Reading your post, the first thing that popped in my head was that you where heading into a new beginning and being called to a hero’s journey. Such journey often starts with uncertainty even depression
 it is the authentic self crying out from the wilderness if you will. A good place to start such a journey is to wander a little.

    I like the word wander as it suggests a “quite” way of looking for one’s next step.  Wandering is still intentional but open to possibilities.  As one wanders one is open to wonder entering in to the flow of a new beginning
 vice struggling against the current
  As you wander pay attention to what catches your eye and you will find your way.

    Good luck Denise

    All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,  A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -JR Tolken

    February 21, 2018 at 2:03 pm in reply to: On the road to nowhere… #193779
    Peter
    Participant

    A road to nowhere can be a great place to start an journey of adventure. Not all who wander are lost…

     

    February 21, 2018 at 9:46 am in reply to: Can't Get Over My Birth #193733
    Peter
    Participant

    We can become the stories we tell ourselves. It is true for reasons you do not know you were given up for adoption. It is also true the you were chosen.

    In the story you have been telling yourself, haven been given up is measured as having more value then the value of having been chosen – and you judge your sense of self by that measure. Something must have been wrong with you
 and you have become conditioned to feel bad about it.

    From an objective perspective neither of the events had anything to do with ‘who you are’. It was not your choice to be born, be put up for adoption, or to be adopted. These events where not about who you are.

    At a subjective level you have attached your ego, your conception of identity, with those events. From the Buddhist perspective you are not your ego, you are not your past, your thoughts or memories
 You suffer because your consciousness has become fixated and attached to a story and the fear its created (false evidence appearing real).

    This story has persisted after 10 years of therapy suggesting that whatever is keeping you stuck might have very little to do with this adoption story. Is it possible that staying stuck in the story has a payoff greater then the desire to move beyond it?

    Staying stuck can become comfortable
 a reason not to pursue a greater possibility which may be uncertain and scary. The anger and resentment you feel having nothing to do with the past but a anger coming from your authentic self for staying stuck in it. Unable to face the possibility that you have not yet lived your best self you project the anger and resentment from your ‘Self’ onto this story of adoption?

    We work for that which no work is required – There is a rule of charity that states that if there are multiple possible explanations for something that happened to you but no way to determine which explanation is correct pick the better explanation. Pick the better story that lets you fly.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
    February 21, 2018 at 7:52 am in reply to: Is there something wrong with me? #193707
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Katie

    Can you imagine if the rules of life stated that you must figure everything out by the age of five because from that point on you will be forever forced deal with everything in the same way as that five-year-old would.  Most people looking at that statement would call such a rule absurd. Yet for many people the coping skills they developed by the age of five are the same skills they will rely on for most their lives, as they wonder why things don’t work out for them.  Again, looking at that last sentence you might think how foolish those people are to use the coping methods learned at an age of five to deal experiences latter in life and expect things to work out.

    The concerns you have noted in your post are normal and suggests that you are entering a new stage of life. The concerns indicate that your ahead of the game as you question how your past experiences might be shaping your current experiences. This is an important opportunity to evaluate the lessons you have learned and address those that are holding you back. This is your opportunity to become more conscious of who you are and who you want to be. We are influenced by our past however we are not our past.  We can learn to do better

    13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    February 20, 2018 at 10:53 am in reply to: Taking the red pill, or the blue one… #193565
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Plotinus

    Thanks for responding. Its always helpful to hear different perspectives.

    Red pill or blue pill? It is said once a question is asked it cannot be unasked so in this case asking the question may be answering it – the red pill has been chosen.  ?  Cypher wishes to un-ask the question and in deceiving himself is killed so we must be authentic in the quest.  As you say we must follow our path, or perhaps more correct to say enter ‘into’ the flow of our path as laid out and that we attempt to shape.

    Have you read ‘After Zen’ by Janwillem van de Wetering?

    Janwillem was seeking the answer to the question of purpose and meaning and hoping to find it in a monastery.  He found it but didn’t find it
 (which may be a very Zen state of being). The other issue I noticed in his quest, which may have been just me reading between the lines, is the struggle between the tension of action and being. Gaining a moral detachment to life as it is while staying engaged in Life as it is. For me detachment often leads to indifference, the loss of motivation to act. Which if I’m being honest with myself is part of the appeal of being a monk – as I image a monk life would be
 not having to concern myself with ‘paying the bills’ or worry about the other mundane stuff of life.  Thus for me the option of being a monk would be wrong.

    I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of moral detachment and action.

    February 16, 2018 at 6:28 pm in reply to: 7 years have passed by, and i just can't forget my ex! #192895
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi ZC

    W.O.R.M  Write One Read Many  is a software term for writing code that is run over and over again.  Your consciousness has become fixated on the WORM of the imagined future that cannot be and so you suffer. If only, could of, should of… you replay the memories in the hopes of changing the past… feeding the WORM and allowing it to embed itself deeper and deeper.

    I do not mean to be harsh. However as you know (but do not know) the issue is not about your ex and to stop the pain what is required is to stop feeding the WORM. (When you do kill the WORM and look back on how you did it, that is exactly what you will have done, you will have gotten to the point where you just stop. Maybe that takes years of therapy or maybe you just decide to do it).

    It is possible one of the reasons that you don’t stop is that a part of you gets of payoff in dwelling on the past. The payoff of staying stuck could be the comfort of certainty experienced by not changing and moving on.  Staying stuck, out weighing the payoff of stopping and entering into a future that is uncertain.

    You mention Karma. Karma as I understand is about ones action and cause and effect. Our actions create what we experience as well as what we a capable of seeing, the choices we are capable of making. Using the idea of reincarnation as a metaphor (each breathe is a death and a rebirth) we have the possibility to change to a higher or lower level with each breath we take . Our karma influences which door we might go through during the transition between death and rebirth. A karma based on fear may view the door to the higher level as the more difficult and uncertain path and door to the lower level of consciousnesses easier, less scary. We tend in each breath to chose the same level door  however the opportunity to choose the higher level of consciousness is always present.

    Again sorry if the above comes off as being harsh.

     

    February 16, 2018 at 2:47 pm in reply to: Anxiety #192885
    Peter
    Participant

    Am I correct in saying that you have a pretty good understanding as to the source of much of your anxiety. Comparing yourself with others and being obsessed with grades? And that so far work with your therapist has not help you with finding ways to stop that unhelpful behavior…I assume you recognize that behavior as being unhelpful but for unknown reasons can’t stop yourself?

    When we know a behavior isn’t working for us but continue anyway its likely that there is an unconscious payoff. Something you want more then wanting to end the anxiety the behavior creates. If that is true the next step would be to work with your therapist and identify what the payoff is and then deal with the source of the issue behind your need to compare yourself with others and obsess over grades.

    In the mean time you can try the practice mindfulness – when you notice you are comparing yourself with others. Stop, create some space to breathe, notice the anxiety without judging it. Remind yourself that comparing yourself against others is not helpful and direct your thoughts else where.

    February 15, 2018 at 2:43 pm in reply to: Taking the red pill, or the blue one… #192745
    Peter
    Participant

    I have often contemplated the life of a hermit or monk of just some tropical island somewhere
 however for me the imaginings are based on a romanticising and so would likely find the reality disappointing.

    Just came across a Brad Warner blog on hardcore Zen

    He was asked a question from someone who felt day job was getting in his way suggesting that – “shouldn’t we run away from this mundane work-a-day life into the beautiful romantic world of being a peaceful monk in a dreamy temple in the far-off mountains?”  to which Brads answer. “If you cannot find the truth of your life right here, you will not find it anywhere else. There is no anywhere else.”

    At first glace the answer might appear harsh however there is also a door to a realization that you can get where you want to go from just where you are. This does not mean not setting intentions or paying attention to our callings but a letting go of this clinging to how we imaged our path must look. The difference is in entering the flow of life, as it is, verses fighting the flow

    February 15, 2018 at 12:47 pm in reply to: Taking the red pill, or the blue one… #192733
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Plotinus

    My conclusion is that all honest philosophical inquire ends in the absurd. A good thing as once the question is answered one can move from thinking about life, which is often the attempt of the ego trying to control what can’t be controlled to living it.

    I believe Plotinus quote “All events are coordinated. All things depend on each other. Everything breathes together” is an acknowledgement as Life as it is. That each moment of life, each breath of life involves both death and rebirth. Each single moment made of a infinite number of breaths, each dependent in mostly unknown ways on each other, flowing together in each moment. The past, present and future existing only in the moment. It is an illusion of consciousness that sees life as linear experience.

    “Self-knowledge reveals to the soul that its natural motion is not, if uninterrupted, in a straight line, but circular, as around some inner object, about a center, the point to which it owes its origin.” ― Plotinus

    Nothing you have learned is wasted. Everything you have learned has brought you to this breath in this moment, just where you need to be to take your next.  Regret, if only, should have
 stories can only distort the breath

    “We must close our eyes and invoke a new manner of seeing, a wakefulness that is the birthright of us all, though few put it to use.” ― Plotinus,

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Peter.
    February 13, 2018 at 1:39 pm in reply to: How do I live for now? #192303
    Peter
    Participant

    How do you practice letting go?  My advice
 by approaching ‘letting go’ as a practice something you intentionally work on when you notice a opportunity.  When you succeed be grateful and when you struggle and takes you longer then you might like, that’s good to, its practice. The intention of practice is to learn better and when you lean better add the new skill to the practice. Build up mussel and muscle memory as it were.

    When you notice (mindful) that you are focused on thoughts/stories/memories about issues you cannot change and or that ‘project’ you into that past and or imagined future, and or fear. You intentionally create space to take a breath and acknowledge, without judging yourself, that you are directing your consciousness on on a story/thought/memory/fear that is keeping you from being in the moment. (you take responsibility without any judgment that might trigger negative self talk)

    If you notice negative self talk take another breath and give yourself permission to set the internal dialog aside so that you might identify the issue that lies behind them as an observer. As a Observer you will likely notice that in most cases you have already dealt with the issue that your attention is directed on.

    For example, the worry about getting old and not being able to do the things you hope for. In the space you created recognized that you have taken steps to exercise and eat healthy (and if not that you will). Notice there is nothing more you can do in the moment so you can let the story/thought/memory/fear go and  direct your attention on more helpful thoughts
 or no thoughts…

    With practice “letting go” of unskillful/unhelpful thoughts will become second nature. You may still be bothered by moments of worry and such but you won’t let them take hold of you. You will become the master of your story instead of letting the ‘stories’ master you.

    February 12, 2018 at 10:00 am in reply to: How do I live for now? #192047
    Peter
    Participant

    “We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. -Seneca

     

    Hi Kittycat100

    I know it well. Experiencing the suffering of an imagined tomorrow
 today. Why waist an opportunity to suffer today for a future opportunity that might not happen…  I had to ask myself
 did I like suffering? I know that sounds wack but why else would I be allowing myself to miss out on the present moment in order to worry and suffer about an imagined future. I must want to suffer
 and at some level that was/is actually true. Lord knows I am good at creating the opportunities.

    Anyway, I found taking the time to examine the stories I tell myself for cognitive distortions helpful. I also acknowledge that I’m a defensive pessimist. Meaning that when presented with a problem I tend to focus on what could go wrong so that I can take steps to prepare and prevent it. Once I have a plan the worry subsides. (I should note being a defensive pessimist is not a negative or positive attribute its just a way of avoiding stress when solving problems. You don’t want a strategic optimist building your house though you might want them to help you sell it.)

    The purpose of worry is to identity outcomes you would prefer not to happen so that you can then work to avoid. The problem is that its is our nature is to lock our eyes onto our fear. We can’t look away and then tend to hit what were “looking” at.  In the practice of mindfulness, we learn how to acknowledge our fears without locking our attention onto them. Instead we use the information that our fear shows us we are concerned about and focus on where it is we want to go. Once the issues are identified there is no longer a need to focus on the worry
 unless one likes to suffer.

    “In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.” – Garth Stein – Racing in the Rain

    How do you live for now?  We work for that which no work is required.

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