hi Rye

In my opinion there is nothing more we can ask of others and ourselves is that when we learn better we do better.

The reality of consciousness is that we become conscious in moments of tension – we don’t become conscious of cold until we experience the tension between the experience of cold and hot. Meaning we tend to learn things the hard way.

I know today there is a tendency to judge people base on a single moment, even if that moment happened years ago when we did not know what we know now. But we are more then a single experience, we are more then the sum of our parts. That you could learn and correct your behavior, and your concern with becoming that person again says great deal about you. That to is a part of the whole

Forgiveness is a concept that it more often then not misunderstood, let alone self forgiveness. Its important to remember that forgiveness does not remove responsibility or accountability.  A part of forgiveness is making amends when required and this may or may not evolve those that you harmed.  Having made the commitment to learn from your past and do better counts. Self forgiveness also involves amends to the self. Just as your experience likely opened you to compassion towards others you need to have compassion for yourself.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a memory that fills them with shame when something triggers it. Its not a great feeling yet it keeps us aware and asking the question of who we are and wish to be and if we are living up to those values.

Hi Christy

I don’t think I would have been strong enough to experience the type of ego death you had.

My journey tends to be through books and I misunderstood the process and instead of healthy detachment ended up in indifference and depression. It’s a subtle difference learning how to fully enter life experience without attaching one’s sense of identity as being the experience.

Today I would say that for me its not so much an ego death but about establishing a relationship with the ego. Noticing when an attachment of the ego to an experience is taking me for a ride.

Generally speaking in the first half of life our task towards individuation is “doing” ie school, carrier, establish family…. While the second half the task changes to “being”

Or if we think in terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: In the first half of life we focus on Physiological, Safety, Social, and Esteem needs and in the second half we look towards Self-actualization and Self-transcendence.

The Midlife Crises occurs when we sense a conflict between our doing and being needs. If one is not conscious of this natural transition, anxiety may arise and you end up buy the red convertible thinking that the purchase of more things is the answer – it’s a midlife crisis when you’re not awake to the change in needs and or try to fix “being” by more more “doing”.  If one approaches the transition accepting the anxiety its not long a crisis but a Midlife transition. (How we label things matters)

I noticed from your lists of concerns that most are based on a concern about imagined future – essentially your feeling the pain to day for an imagined fear of the future.  To move forward you may want to work on the list and identify any cognitive distortions and dissonance’s. In this you well be able to identify the real issues behind your anxiety create a plan to deal with them.

Responding to the topic of ego death

Coming to the realization that “I am not my beliefs” does not necessary mean one’s beliefs are void or that one is indifferent to them, only that one understands them for what they are and so not attached to them.  This form of non-attachment creates space where one no longer experience anxiety when a ‘belief’ is challenged, which they will be. By non-attachment one can confront the present moment experience that may contradict the belief without danger to ones ‘identity’ and doing so learn and grow.

Associating and attaching one sense identity with one’s beliefs often leads to depression and or fanaticism. For example, if I am my ego, I am my beliefs this “I” is unlikely to be able to tolerate those beliefs being questioned as doing so puts in question my identity. This such a “I” cannot allow and so “I” will force everyone (and my self) to adhere to my beliefs… even if they no longer match my experiences. (I am divided and divided unhappy)

Allowing the belief that “I am my ego” to “die” (which is what the ego wants but also fears) one is better able to enter into the experience and “be” in the moment. (vice the past – future)

Imagine someone walking towards you suddenly cross the road. Would you feel safer and thank them for their kindness?

I was very shy and fearful growing up and latter in life was shocked to learn that many in the community I grew up in felt that shyness as conceit. The story they told themselves about me was that I must think I was to good for them. I thought I was being kind and considerate they thought I was stuck up. (Maybe I was, as shyness can be a judgment that we don’t trust others)

You are making the mistake of thinking you can know what others are thinking and that others can know what you are thinking. (heck we barley know and understand our own thoughts and motivations)

The anxiety we feel is of our own making and all of it based on illusion. If you want to reduce your anxiety let go of the excessive concern you have of what you imagine others think of you – which is really the excessive concern you have about your self.  This concern isn’t about being nice and considerate of others its about you creating the illusion of safety for yourself. Which, based on the anxiety you feel you’re not experiencing anyway, its not working, let it go.

I recommend the book – The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts

When we experience anxiety, we are almost always trying to fix, fixate, the present – in other words we want to stop life, stop change, stop flow and control it. We want security

We want security but security is fixed and life is flow (life cannot be fixed) so the more security we desire the more insecure we become. The only way to over come insecurity is to embrace insecurity.

“To put is still more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. A society based on the quest for security is nothing but a breath-retention contest in which everyone is as taut as a drum and as purple as a beet.” ― Alan W. Watts

“But you cannot understand life and its mysteries as long as you try to grasp it. Indeed, you cannot grasp it, just as you cannot walk off with a river in a bucket. If you try to capture running water in a bucket, it is clear that you do not understand it and that you will always be disappointed, for in the bucket the water does not run. To “have” running water you must let go of it and let it run.”  ― Alan W. Watts

A word that appears often in your story is Shame. Shame is a complex emotion. Sometimes the shame we feel is deserved, for example we deliberately hurt someone, and the shame we feels informs us that amends may be called for, however most of the shame we feel and that drives us  and keeps us stuck is not deserved. We have done nothing wrong, are nothing wrong…

Undeserved shame is shame we feel for being who we are, as we are (who others told us we are)…. we judge and measure ourselves unnecessarily unacceptable… We tend to suck at measuring our experiences, judging them and then worse labeling our sense of self based on those measurements.

“One of the plainest truths about both towns and individuals is that they usually don’t turn into what we tell them to be, but what they are told they are.”  ― Fredrik Backman, Beartown

You may find Lewis B Smedes book ‘Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve‘ helpful

“If you persistently feel you don’t measure up, you are feeling shame—that vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and diminishes our joy. The good news is that shame can be healed.”

By sitting with the feelings  so that you learn how to respond them them vice react.

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