Hi monica

Sorry your having a rough time of it lately. I think is pretty normal to see oneself from a younger perspective. For the longest time I saw myself though the eyes of my 18-year-old self especially when I when home for a visit and I would ask myself the same questions your asking. Perhaps because I was 18 when I left home.

Jung taught that one of the tasks of becoming or individuation was to come to terms with the mother/father complex. This tends to come up at the age you are regardless of the type of parents we have.

Basically, what I think this means is that as we enter adulthood we need to become our own mother and father – connect to the mother/father archetypes – allow that “energy” to resonate within ourselves vice outwardly… However you want to put it the task requires that we learn to nurture, discipline and protect ourselves.  One of the steps of this process is to get to a place where you can see your parents as individuals and not only mother and father. Individuals with hopes and dreams of there own as well as other imperfections.

A great book by Cheryl Strayed called the Wild is example of a young woman going through the process after her mother dies to soon. In this case her mother was “to good” and Cherly was dependent on her to nurture her. Without her mother and no father in the picture she was at a loss as to how to nurture and be disciplined. At the end of her hero journey, a walk in the wild, she see her mother as she was and in that way developed a more healthy relationship to the archetype mother and better able to take care of her self

There is an old joke about a guy stranded on top of the roof of his home after a flood. The guy prays to his god to save him as various boats come by to rescue him. The guy refuses saying he is waiting on his god to save him and eventuality he dies. When he faces his judgment he accuses his god as failing him to which the god replied I sent you the boats you just didn’t get in.

I think what happens is that we expect our meaning, purpose, relationships, service to look a certain way and so refuse to get in the “boat” and engage in life as it shows up.

There is a quote from T.S Eliot “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

I suspect that we are always where we need to be in order to get to where were going. We only have to let go of our expectations of how we think life should show up for us to be able to see our path is the one we were already on.

An instructor of a dance class I took made the self evident comment that whatever foot you are on is the right foot because it’s the only place you can start from to move to the next. Yet so many in the dance class would stop whenever we “made a mistake” when in dancing the only mistake is to stop.

I am just trying to find some inner peace, by understanding why each day almost is a lesson in suffering.

The first noble truths in Buddhism is the truth of suffering. The reality is that Life is momentum – Life requiring the sacrifice of Life. Life eats Life, that is its wonder and horror. Awesome in the true meaning of the word.

You are correct then in your realization that each day is a lesson in suffering. The next question is what are you learning? What will your answer to Life be?

There are three ways that the wisdom traditions relate to The Truth that life eats life.

1. Affirmation and gratitude for life as it is, the good and the bad
2. Denial – No… Life is something that should not be. Stop the cycle and let me off
3. We can fix it… Life is a war between Good and Evil and we can fix it.

How you answer that reality for yourself will affect the way in which you relate to suffering. Will you fight life, or will you enter into the flow of Life? How much of the intensity of our suffering is created by our resistance to life?

Surely as it gets too much, a cosmic break would enable me to be of more service to others?

How are you measuring service? Everything you are and do is in service to Life (as it is) even as you suffer, create suffering and heal suffering.

There is some suffering that we create for ourselves. Usually it involves control and the poor judgment of good and bad.

Jung argued that one of the tasks of becoming required the individual to come to terms with the problem of opposites. As many of the wisdom traditions suggest when you take a close look at what appear to be opposites they disappear. The good and the not something to be separated but something that exist in each other. They are not two sides of a coin but the coin itself, the opposites, the good and the bad intimately entangled… disappear. The coin is a coin. Life is Life, as it must be and it is Yes.

Once you let go of the need to control and define life and find a way to engage in the flow you will be a service to others. It might not look like what you imagine, and you may not be recognized for it, but it will be enough… as you let all that go as well.

My advice for what its worth is to take a step back from your your concept of positivity and measure of what success must look like while continuing to be greatfull for the good and bad that come your way that allow you to continue to grow and learn. Engage in life as it shows up doing your best, helping others when you can and you will find what you didn’t even know you were really looking for.

I’m tired of passively sitting by waiting for something to happen. I want to go out there and *make* it happen

Hi Alia

I definitely relate. Loosing a job can really do a number on our sense of self. I’ve heard that most people can expect to have three or more such transitions in a life time. I’m on my fourth as it concerns work only one of which I initiated.

Reading your post the above line caught my eye. There is a art to “passively wait” that is very active. In the practice of zazen one sits, seemingly doing nothing, while observing ones flow of thoughts. The intention is not to have no thoughts but avoiding attaching to the thoughts and in this why allow them to flow.

When we point  our consciousness at a thought, memory, fear… and attach to it we crate a continuous line of associated thoughts, memories, fear usually leading down the rabbit hole, anxiety, depression…  As we learn not to attach our consciousness/focus to our thoughts and allow them to flow our mind “quiets” allowing us to see more clearly.  This Zen, doing by not doing, requires eyes wide open and engaging in life as it shows up.

Intuitively you know what you need to do. To get out there and “make” something happen. In other words engage in life as it shows up while at the same time “sitting” without attaching focus to your thoughts, fears…. in this way you will be better able to respond spontaneously to what shows up and in this way your path will become clear.

How do I stop blaming myself for not being more successful

Take time to detach yourself from the need to measure being successful and judging yourself.  Its likely your definition of success hasn’t been fully made conscious and as a result is some general idea you will never live up to.

If you have goals work toward them. If you struggle adjust. As long as your learning and engaged in life your successful. This ‘blaming’ will only help you if your doing it to learn how you might do/be better other wise its just a excuse to keep you stuck

how do I define myself without what I am and my possessions?

You are not the shirt you put on, you are not your pants, socks, underwear… There are many reasons that you dress yourself in the mourning. Perhaps you notice that its cold outside so you put on a coat. The coat serves a purpose but you are not the coat, you are not the cold either.

Language is tricky. when we speak of experiences we differentiate experiences using words like, me, mine, our, I…. We forget that words are symbols that point towards the experiences. I see a tree,  the word tree is not a tree. What am I look at now, the word tree or tree in the window? What is the difference? The word I is not ‘I’

If there is no “I” in this universe, what can i call my own,what do I hold to be grateful of?

Life, you are grateful of life… As it is! the darkness and the light.

Sorry I was abrupt and didn’t have time to address the questions. To be candied I think most people have a bad relationship to the words like Purpose, meaning, happiness, forgiveness… even love.  We think we know what these things are and that they can be measured, touched, held, grasped… Because of this for many people words like purpose, meaning end up creating dissatisfaction with Life and more often then not when we name this something purpose and measure it we lose it.

I like what Campbel has to say on the matter of purpose

“We’re so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about.” ― Joseph Campbel

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life (what is my purpose) . I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” ― Joseph Campbell

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning (purpose) and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” ― Joseph Campbell

You are already the answer! everything you do or don’t do is purpose and meaning