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Hi Relic
We fall in love, we fall out of love… it seams we are always falling and so if we are falling let us hope that we fall with grace to grace. What is this love that can be falling into and out off?
I can’t give advice about your experience but would like to take a shot at the question you asked
Does Buddhism promote deep commitment to marriage, deep backbone through hard times, showing up in all the ways emotionally and being warm, kind and caring?
I think and feel that in its intended form it does. The practice leading to being fully present to oneself and others.
My observations however is that the practice often leads to indifference rather then the intended ‘detachment’ and engagement with life. The middle way is a difficult balance.
Sitting quietly by a lake its a great experience, engaging in life from a place of stillness not so easy. Life is messy and when starting the practice one might not be aware of the desire to remain at the lake and mistake that for engagement with life and being present to what shows up. Such detachment were nothing is allowed to touch us often becomes indifference
TS Eliot put it this way
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.” ― T.S. EliotBeing still, we discover becomes the source of movement, fully present to life, we dance.
May I ask why you chose the handle Relic?
Relic: an object surviving from an earlier time, especially one of historical or sentimental interest but now outmoded.
Hi C Eagle
Tinny Buddha is not a political forum. The majority of the articles are about looking inward for self improvement while the majority of threads are about seeking help for relationships troubles. Other concerns tend to be around existential angst of meaning and purpose. If your looking for political engagement this is probably the wrong site.
The treads that may appear to be political tend to be more about the difficulty with communication in a calm and helpful manner with those that disagree with you. Being authentic to ones experiences and values, finding ones voice with healthy boundaries without demonizing opponents. No easy task. Its clear that your post was not meant to demonize yet read from a different perspective could be experienced as a such.
In one such threads I made a comment were I explored the idea of ‘taking offense’ and preferring the stoic response which someone tagged as inappropriate. I didn’t take offence, my first attempt was badly done and did stray into the political which I regretted. These thing are difficult to talk about. I like to think I can uses these experiences to learn from.
I agree their is a deep seated fear among many in the world today. This site attempts to help people navigate the fears they may be experiencing by first looking inward and doing so being better able to respond vice react to our fears (which more often then not is false evidence appearing real.) The goal is not to demonize but compassion for ourselves and others. Of course we don’t always live up to our best selves.
I wish you well Eagle
I can’t quite grasp this “let go” concept. It’s suppose to be good and make you feel good,
I think it may be unhelpful attaching concepts like “feeling good” (good or bad) to the art/skill of letting go. I think because a aspect of letting go involves removing our labels about our experience as being this or that, and not attaching ourselves to such labels.. When we do this we gain a perspective in which we can view what were letting go of in a new light. Your kind of looking at yourself looking at the experience without attaching your sense of self to what you see and feel. This does not mean you don’t feel but instead are in a space that allows the feelings and experience to flow.
You might note that it is the ego that attaches itself to the experience and feelings which prevents flow. So letting go involves ego work. If your clinging to something its likely your ego trying to fix and control something.
To the ego ‘letting go’ feels like dying so its often fear that keeps you hanging on. The reality is Letting go is a kind of metaphorical dying as we are detaching our sense of self from the ego identity which is clinging to the experience and or feelings. If your sense of identity/self is overly attached to your ego your going to fear ‘dying’ and cling to it for all your worth, stop flow. (and growth)
When we do let go you might notice that the ego has been placed into its proper place as the part of us that helps us communicate our experiences and making the unconscious conscious. The ego not the captain of the ship but the link between the engine room and the bridge.
Letting go is not a state of indifference or forgetting but a process of “becoming” more conscious of our True Selves. Its a process of growth as we bravely observe the experience, feelings and identity were clinging to and trying to fix or control. We ask ourselves why we are clinging to it? What am I afraid of? How is what I find attached to my sense of identity? Should it be? And as we grow and learn we allow the experience to flow. What might the experience teach us about ourselves if we looked at it without fear or need to attache our sense of self to what we learn. (which would be the ego wanting to be captain again)
The paradox you might be getting frustrated by is that it takes a healthy ego to let go of ego. Meaning you need a health senses of self with healthy boundaries to realize your Self is not that. (letting go requires boundary work) A healthy sense of self with healthy boundaries does not need to cling to or attache itself to a sense of self.
A question the lies behind all wisdom teaching though for some reason never directly asked. How are you responding to Life as it is. To Life wonder and horror (as life must feed of life). A seed that does not ‘die’ does not become a tree. That is its wonder and horror.
All the wisdom traditions point to the better answer as being a unequivocal YES. Yes it all the joy and the suffering. Not a easy place to stand and you can only stand in that yes when you are in the present moment as it is only in the present moment that Life Is. Letting go requires work of leaning to be present. Another irony or paradox is that we work for which no work is required. Thus like Paulo Coelho Alchemist who discovers his treasure was were he started. We return home to see it for the first time.
Unfortunately most wisdom traditions are misunderstood and so many of us answer THE question of how to respond to Life As It Is with a NO – get me off this ride, or a No, we broke Life but we can fix it if we follow all the rules and be good little boy’s and girls.
A honest attempt at ‘letting go’ will require ego work, boundary work, learning to be present and the development of the skill of detachment while staying fully engaged in life. No easy task as the trap will be indifference and withdraw from life. If you keep at it though and when life asks you to look it in the eye, as it is in all its wonder and horrors and answer the question of how you are you responding? Yes? No? Maybe? Only one of thus answers is flow.
Hi Jenny
Is it possible to reach a place where i feel nothing for my ex-bf?
I suppose it’s possible however that would be along the lines of ‘letting go’ by forgetting or more problematic repressing the experience and what we might learn about ourselves through them.
There is a time for everything including a time of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a ‘longing for home’ and can teach us a great deal about ourselves. What it is that leaves us feeling safe, loved, content, at home in our own skin. That said it’s easy to get stuck in our nostalgia if we project this feeling of ‘being at home’ onto others or what we do instead of looking for these things within ourselves.
Its possible your missing the mark with regards the Art of Detachment when you say “my mind telling me that i should detach every emotion”. That may be a kind of repression that could lead to indifference to our feelings and experience. To learn and grow from our experiences its important that we feel what we feel.
Detachment is the art of feeling what we feel without attaching our sense of self to them. We have emotions we are not our emotions, I earn a living doing this or that job, ‘I’ am not my job… When we find ourselves attaching our sense of self to a emotion, job, person… it is often as indication that the ego it attempting to cling and or control which often comes from a place of fear.
Asking the ego to “let go’ when we have attached our sense of self to the ego, will feel like dying to the ego. Which in a way, metaphorically, it is. As we let go we detach our sense of self from the ego. The ego no longer in the driver seat, its going to resist that ‘dying’. .. Who am I if not what I do or what I feel? Who I am without this other person? Scary stuff.
Detaching ourselves from this fearful ego might start with seeing the ego as the bridge between the subconscious and conscious. It is through the ego that we communicate and become conscious or ourselves. The ego is an important a part of the whole that is the Self, it is not us.
Nothing like a brake up for providing the opportunity to discover and awaken to our true selves. If were brave and honest.
I wish you well on the journey of discovery, be brave.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 