Dear G,

The pain of the physical condition and the pain of losing the life that you yearned for as a result of it is something that can be very difficult to deal with.

The thing that has helped with that is first an acceptance of what is happening, a reappraisal of the possibilities that are remaining. An objective listing of weaknesses and strengths with positive actions addressed at overcoming the weakness and building on strengths has also helped. The journey in to the new life is not easy and constant reminders of what could have been can consistently cause pain. Accept that too.

While the disability is in itself limiting, make a firm commitment to yourself not to give yourself additional pain by the process of blaming yourself. You are not responsible for what has happened to you.

You are concerned about your family. Make them proud of you by facing your difficulty head on and doing the best you can. The process will not be easy. There will be ups and downs but as long as you commit and act to always getting up, you will find yourself looking forward to life and its challenges.

Wish you the best.

Dear Maria

I have selected some portions of what you have written that resonates and offered some counter statements and some action steps in the hope that it helps you as it has helped me.

It is very hard for me to come to terms that it has really ended, it simply feels brutal and horrible.

Telling myself that it was disappointing. Feeling sad and upset but not horrible. The intensity of the initial feelings will come down with time. During this time avoiding negative self talk as much as possible is useful.

I always sensed that he is not 100% in and it made me very anxious, worried and needy.

The other person may not be completely in. I would want the other person to be in completely but it is totally the choice of the other person.

I pushed with communication, commitment, making plans, and quite often we’d have pretty bad fights about it where I’d blame him for not caring enough and he’d get very angry, yelling me and threatening to end the relationship.

When we accept that it is their choice, instead of pushing we can firmly convey our feelings and inform calmly what we need.

I am already 37 and I truly want a family, and he was my person in every way. I tried so hard to give him what he needed, but I obviously failed. I live and work abroad and met him pretty soon after moving here, so he was my rock, my family and my everything here.

In the pain of separation, we look through a filter. The one that has gone seems to have been perfect. Reminding that it was not all that perfect, there were good as well as bad moments is useful. You “were in fear” as you stated of expressing your feelings, always wary of retribution. How can that be perfect when you are scared to say what you feel is logical.

 I am going through the days in slow motion now, my brain constantly yelling “This can’t be true, when is this nightmare ending and when is he coming back?”.

If he comes back, are you ready for the same cycle to repeat. If it happens what would you change about how you have dealt with things.

I constantly hope to hear from him, hoping that he realizes that he made a big mistake. Part of me is also angry and cannot understand how could he plan moving in together if he was having so big doubts about us. Biggest part is blaming myself, how my insecurity and neediness pushed him away and ruined my only chance to have a family.

It is not your only chance. Maybe it was a reasonable chance but highly unlikely the only chance. How do you know if things would have been better or worse if you were still together.

I feel completely broken, unworthy, isolated and alone.

What has happened has happened. It is not something that you like and what has past is past. By putting yourself down and blaming yourself you are not going to feel better. If he or any other person were to come to your life you have a greater chance of a good relationship when you stop blaming yourself and continue to work on your own insecurity so that it doesn’t interfere with your present and future relationships .

Wishing you the best in whatever ways are possible for you. This is a phase and I hope that you are out of it soon, growing as a person and bettering yourself.

Take care.

Dear Peggy,

Quoting from your original post –

The more I remember – The more I can taste the sweet taste of life itself.  We all came from the same place and we are all going to the same place.  Life is that journey.  And then there is no sweeter taste than being fully present in the here and now.

My journey in to the question of “who am I” started with this concept. Ashes to Ashes. When I remind myself of this commonality about our origin and destination, the differences seem to dissolve. The influence of the mind, the thought process is a bit of paradox. When I think, is when I am able to start seeing oneness and at the same time it is the same process that seems to note the external differences.

Moments of peace for me are in the absence of thought when that oneness is felt and realized, though that is something that cannot be described in words. And more moments of the same I hope will lead me to that essential self.

Thank you again for your presence here.

Dear Coconut

Sharing here some thoughts I tell myself to be relaxed in the presence of people, to be yourself irrespective of who is around you

Take stock of your strengths. It can be surprising how often we forget that. Keep reminding yourself on a consistent basis about these.

Tendency is to focus on what is wrong with you. Shift that focus to what is right.

You may tend to dislike that thing about others which is actually present in yourself. See if you can recognize that and be willing to forgive yourself as well as others for that.

Some people may not be deserving of your understanding and compassion but most people are. They are suffering just as you are. When you are able to see this commonality, you are able to let go of the barriers that prevent you from being at ease.

for those people who seem undeserving let them be; they are not worth your time or effort.

The mind is powerful. It is able to make you recognize that the thoughts are in your head but yet prevent you from making changes easily. The key is to take it one moment at a time – slow yet steady.

Take care

Dear Kkasxo,

The overwhelming sensation and the scary place are all too familiar. I totally understand when you say that the pain is all that you feel. But I am certain that with time things will be better for you. Wish you the best for that.

With regards to CBT you can read more on that here – https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/therapy-types/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-0

“Feeling Good” by David Burns is a good self help book based on that. Till you attend formal counselling, this may help you.

Take care.

Dear kkasxo,

I want to get better.

I MUST move forward in my life

Your intentions are clear and the right ones. Very often we find that the mind seems to know what it wants but the heart is unwilling to follow.

Though the mind knows what is needed, it is often the biggest saboteur that hinders healing. The way we think influences our behaviors much more than we can ever imagine. Once we figure that out we can move forward in our process of healing.

What are the steps that you have taken for your healing? In the steps that you have taken what has been the most helpful ones? What are the roadblocks that you have faced?

Dear Mia,

The place that you described – “being stuck in one place” “endless boredom with no purpose” “endless loop of disappointment ” “how little i have achieve and how much more i could have achieved” “it all falls apart when things go wrong or when i see how great other people are managing their lives”. That is the place I used to reside not very long ago. I visit this place time and again but of late I don’t stay there too long.

How do I cope with it? what are the things that helped me cope with it?

Many things played a part in that. It was not a dramatic process rather very slow but steady progress. A feeling of gratitude played a major role. Reminding what I was thankful for on a repeated basis helped. An intense desire to move out of that kind of place served as a strong motivator. Working with therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy gave a major push to the process. Mindfulness and meditation practices are what I would call the foundation for this process of coping with these patterns.

It is still a work in progress but definitely worth it to come out of that kind of thinking.

Hope any of the above also helps you in your journey.

Regards