I think real beauty is a team coming together to create something that captures, expresses, nurtures, and grows each and everyone’s unique talents and abilities. Which means, when we collaborate with others, we leave our egos at the door.

“I was brainstorming.. ”
“I am the creator of the group..”
“I wrote a massive document..”
“I was protective with my vision…”
“I poured my heart and soul…”
“I potentially won’t get to meet valuable contacts….”
“I had instructed him…”

To me, it doesn’t sound like a collaborative effort.

If the expectations are clear up front that these individuals are here to serve you, realize your vision, that your the boss, your in control, that what you say goes, then you every right to be mad at them because your not getting your money’s worth. Fire these people and get better minions.

Collaboration requires patience, compassion, compromise, nurturing, facilitation, and trust, where the collective gains of the group out weigh the needs of any one member.

Be honest with yourself, do you really want to collaborate or simply dictate? There’s no right or wrong way to approach it. No one will judge you either way. Just be open and honest with others on where you coming from.

• This reply was modified 11 years ago by John.

The heart, body, and mind can insist like a small child throwing a temper tantrum, but that doesn’t mean we have to capitulate to those fits. We’ve been hurt, it hurts, it’s painful, but what we really need is to give ourselves a big hug, self-soothing, and self-compassion.

I believe that you can love someone fully without surrendering yourself completely, still remaining on firm ground, true to your values, and secure in your independence, secure in the knowing that if for whatever reason you couldn’t be together, you as an individual are still a whole and complete human being who will live on to have new experiences, find new loves, and overcome whatever challenges life throws at you.

Nothing lasts forever – all good things come to and end. And although there is pain in that ending which needs a little soothing and compassion , there is also beauty, growth, renewal, and rebirth into a higher state of being with strength and confidence.

I’d love to take a look, but the link seems to be broken. Could you repost it?

Dear John (30’s),

Looking back at my life, I spent too much time worrying about what other people think of me. I spent too much time thinking about whether or not I might be hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them. I spent too much time worrying that I might reject someone, that I might not being doing the right thing, or not doing what someone else wanted me to do. I spent too much time worrying about what makes other people happy. I spent too much worrying if someone was going to like me or not. I spent too much time worrying if other people felt comfortable at and ease. I spent too much time feeling the pain, guilt, and shame of the past.

I spent too little time doing things such as enjoying myself and my solitude. Doing things for me because they made me happy. I spent too little time taking risks and trying things out to see if they fit.

If I could go back in time, then I would just take each day as it comes, for better or for worse, not always been driving so hard and fast towards something. I would talk more openly about my feelings, issues, problems, joys, and pains. I wouldn’t have held anything back for fear of seeming weak or like a failure or needy. I would have taken a few more slow breaths and enjoy each moment as it came. Even the more difficult ones. I would be open to not only giving love, but also receiving love and expressing my desire to receive love and my gratitude for having received it. I would treat people as my equals. Not above me. Not below me, but just a fellow human beings. I would stop comparing my life to other people’s and evaluating myself against others.

If I could do it all over again, I would reach-out and connect with others. Make time for others and allow them to make time for me. I would share more of myself with others – letting them know what I think and how I feel regardless if those thoughts and feelings only apply to a particular moment and don’t define me entirely as a human being.

I would want to be generous and help people. I want to give my time and attention to really get to know someone about who they are, where they have been, and where they might be going.

I would be myself in all the light and shadow that is there.

Sincerely,

John (80’s)

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much pain and hardship. You’ve shown so much resilience and stamina putting up with such unhealthy behavior and lies. It’s very admirable.

But, so far, I don’t think this man has done anything that demonstrates that he deserves your friendship and love. Quite the opposite. His actions belittle you, make you doubt yourself, and as you said compromise your self worth and values. Where is the friendship and love there?

His unstable actions, lies, and inconsistency are a whirlpool of pain and suffering. He’s obviously got issues that he needs to resolve, but there’s no need for you to get tangled in it any further. You tried, you took him back, and now he wants to walk away for good. Free yourself of this noose around your neck that’s choking the life out of you. Nothing on the horizon points to the fact that he’s building a strong foundation and you need to take the time to rebuild yours.

Sure, someday you might be friends with him, but that day isn’t today. The wounds are too fresh. They need time to heal. You stand at the threshold of a new and improved you. Leave the baggage behind and start fresh, a new, a clean slate. Any contact with this individual, no matter how seemingly insignificant has the potential to pull you back into despair without you even realizing.

It’s like a taking off a band-aid – it needs one just strong, but painful pull. Be prepared with lots of self-compassion and time to yourself to grieve.

To try and replace love with hate will just perpetuate you into a cycle of suffering and pain. It replaces one type of clinging with another. Anything you try to push out, will only push harder back. That’s how the connection is maintained and strengthened.

Meditate, breath, let go.

Send out loving kindness to yourself, to him, and everyone you know. Rise above your need for revenge, for hatred, for guilt. Negativity is like a boomerang – direct it at someone else and it will only smack you across the head when it comes back.

Hi Mauve,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a turbulent time. The first thing that jumped out me is that you feel insecure and might be looking for sex and alcohol to mask any pain that you’re feeling. You cling to your former lover, you cling to the bottle.

If you have completely fallen for your former lover, then I doubt a friendship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with your husband.

But more importantly, I don’t think a relationship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with yourself.

I think some time alone to do some deep soul searching would be best – why do you feel insecure? was the sexless marriage the only thing that drove you to have an affair? what needs are not being met for you right now?

Rather than looking for sex and alcohol as band-aid solutions, what’s really missing for you deep down inside?