Hi Sara,

It seems you see that your boyfriend sells you out. I mean, that one time you cited with his family, there were other ways to handle that question. He could have said, “She’s not free. She has a thing” instead of telling them you were scard. He doesn’t have your back. He sells you out, and tries to make a joke out of it at your expense. Not cool.

And the thing is, when you bring it up to him, he sells you out again by making it about him instead of you. He’s not you–if he wouldn’t be bothered by such a thing, who cares?

He doesnt’ have your back in really simple ways. Death by a thousand cuts, I fear. SO, maybe bring it up to him in this manner? I wouldn’t give him more than a year though. You guys aren’t 20, you know?

Good luck,

Pink 🙂

Woah woah woah LM. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. These a**holes aren’t worth it.

Have you tried therapy? Because it seems to me that picking abusive men may be a reaction to your past of being bullied (so sorry-that must have been so awful). Therapy may help you let all of that pain go. And by then, you’ll be in healthy place to pick someone who shares your values.

Please don’t throw yourself away. You reached out for help here–so there is a part of you that believes you’re worth it, which is good because YOU SO ARE WORTH IT.

Don’t let these jerks from your past define who you are. They suck. They deserve whatever comes to them.  Just take care of YOU. That’s your job from no on. No men. No morons. Just YOU.

Sending you good energy 🙂

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Hi Samantha,

Trust your gut. Run for the hills.

Your almost fiance showed you what marriage to him would be like – working for him, his parents coming first, etc. He’s not ap0logizing to you because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Often times we think we found “the right person”. But that’s not enough; it’s called a relationship for a reason. How your partner relates to you, yes, but also how he relates you to the other parts of his life is just as important since that will constitute your married life.

Find another partner who sees marriage the way you do, which I assume isn’t working for your husband and cow-towing to his parents.

Good luck!

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Hi Sadlyconfused,

It’s obvious your husband does think he said something wrong (not hugely wrong, but a bit off color honestly) else he wouldn’t have told you/confessed it to you. So don’t put it all on you, you know?  Sure there might be previous pain–hence your large reaction–but, he could also have said something he probably knows wasn’t the best thing, else he wouldn’t have told you. Both things can be true.

Suffice to say, I don’t think your husband’s comment is that big of deal. We’re all human, we all flirt. Flirting is fun.  No harm in that. So if you can accept that, then you’re all good. If you trust your husband not to go any farther than that, then cool.

Just don’t put it all on you, you know? If you had made the same comment to another guy, I don’t think your husband would be too enthused. Being married is tough, and these things do happen. But they’re not the end of the world, rather par for the course. We’re all human!

Good luck!

Pink:)

Sounds like you have more than most people have. Enjoy it!

I do agree with Helcat – why be so critical? Where does that come from?  As they say,  whatever darkness you have inside you, bring it to light, and it will soon disappear.

Good luck!

Pink 🙂

Hello Kajal,

Sorry you are going through this heartbreak.

I have to ask–why observe Islam with him, and then be shocked when you are asked to convert? Did he observe your Hindu holidays or culture on an equal level? Is that why you were shocked?

In any case, I  hope in the future you protect yourself more, and really think about what you’re willing to give to someone. It reads to me that you really loved him and so you were willing to do whatever for him  – a natural impulse –  BUT that you may not have loved yourself enough first to make him earn such grand efforts of yours. It sounds like you gave yourself away to him.

Put yourself in his parents’ shoes.  Why wouldn’t they expect you to convert? You’ve already done so much for him in terms of celebrating his holidays, and you seemed ok with it. Conversion does sound like the next logical step.

Religion is a deal-breaker for many, especially for Muslims who are religious  Please don’t give yourself away so easily next time. Save yourself the heartache. Respect yourself more and have more conversations with your next partner about such issues, before you set your expectations. Honestly, make the next guy work a little harder. Sounds like this one got too comfortable, too.

Good luck….

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Hi Hassani,

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think when contemplating leaving a relationship, it’s important to ask yourself – has he done anything to make me think he has changed and realized his mistakes? Because we can’t stay in relationships based on HOPE that our partners will change. That’s living in a delusion, a waste of your time. There has to be concrete action in order for you trust him again.

You haven’t done anything to deserve this misery. Don’t waste your time on self blame. Just know that these people don’t respect you, and it sounds like they don’t even see you as a human being, more like a vessel for child birth or subjagation by your husband. You deserve better.

Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind you only have a limited amount of time on this earth, in this life, and it’s up to you to choose how you spend it. Are you going to spend with people who abuse you, or are you going to save yourself and get out, and find a sweet life with good people who deserve you and value you? You’ve been married a short while, so there’s still time to get out with less emotional damage. Just know that the longer you wait to make a plan for yourself, the harder it will be.

Good luck 🙂

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