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Something else occured to me: mindfulness can also be helpful. I don’t know if it will be helpful for you at this point (don’t put yourself under stress) but you might try it. This is what I do, but I’m just a beginner: When you are frightened and you notice how the adrenalin is pumping through your veins, take a moment to step out of whatever thoughts your brain is thinking right now and just focus on the now. Notice your surroundings, the people, nature, the smell of the air, the light shining through the window… whatever falls into your line of sight. Be present in this moment. Remember that the worries about the future and the negative thoughts about the past are just that – thoughts. They are not real. As anita put it (and im roughly quoting her here because I don’t think I can find it again) there is only today and maybe tomorrow.
Dear Shae03,
I suffered from anxiety in the past, it got so bad that I developed strong stomach aches. But circumstances changed and nowadays the stomach aches are gone, so I’m here to say that yes, it can get better again. My circumstances may change again in the future and stress might return for me, still I wanted to write to you what helped me so far.
It’s a step by step process. Don’t expect for things to get better over night (especially the antidepressants need time before they start making a difference, but your doctor probably told you that). Small steps are the key. Your therapist and the antidepressants are part of these steps. What also helped me in the past was „autogenic training“. It’s a relaxation technique. If you can find a course where they offer autogenic training, maybe try it out. I found that it helped my brain to switch off for at least a short while from the permanent state of alarm that it was in. Otherwise I think you already found a lot of good ideas yourself. I would only add „get enough rest“, „do things for myself“ and „be patient with myself“ to the list.
Dear J,
personally I think you can only grow by going to that informational. I imagine they will tell you about different options to go abroad and maybe there will also be some people who will talk about their own experience. It’s a good way to check for yourself if this is something you want to do right now or not (yet). Just relax, remember that you don’t have to apply tomorrow and board the airplane the day after, you are just gathering information.
I also believe that you can go on your own. It sounds as if this is something you want to do alone, so why not? I’m reluctant to write this (because it might get your imagination going) but what is the worst that could happen? Feel free to write these fears here because I am sure there are a lot of people here who can come up with solutions.
Also if you end up wanting to take someone with you after all, he/she could just come with you to the informational, no? I’m sure it is interesting even for people who don’t want to go abroad themselves. Or maybe they could go shopping/see the city in the meantime.
And one last thing: if something happens on that sunday – then it’s not the end of the world, either. Don’t let the thought slip into your mind that you “should have listened to your therapist” or something.Dear XenopusTex,
too bad about the trip. I can see how you would want to help if people were panicking (and you really didn’t want to help with the piano). But what would have happened if you had said: “Yes, you are right, this is a serious issue, I will get right on to it on monday morning.”? Or what would they have done if you had forgotten your phone at home? Was this a life or death situation?
Dear Sammi,
I am sorry that you are in such a bad situation. The boyfriend of your mother sounds like a horrible person, I would hide in my room as well! No matter what your mother says, it is not and should not be normal behavior to call people names.You wrote: “I lay down, in the dark, for 20 minutes, something clicks, and then I have an uncontrollable tremor that keeps me up for hours.” This statement worries me. Are you afraid he could come into your room? Can you lock your room?
I don’t feel qualified to give you advice, but I had some ideas while reading your post so here it is anyway.
1. Get a new therapist/counselor. From what you wrote she sounds useless. for starters she had 1 1/2 years to file that report. I’m also curious what she suggested how you deal with your mothers boyfriend.
2. I think you need to get out of the house more. Options that come to mind: doing some of your studying at the library, joining clubs/ volunteer groups. Getting a small job. I know especially the last one might be daunting, it certainly was and is for me. But anything you do that gets you in touch with other people is great and you can learn something (even if it’s only those cleaning skills 🙂 )Dear XenopusTex,
now I remember that you allready wrote that there is no therapist in your whole area before, sorry for bringing it up again. But now I won’t wonder about it anymore, so thank you for the explaination.
You wrote:
I think that the colleague was surprised. My time at the office has been up this week; hit 40 hours before this afternoon. Got assigned to help solve some problems, the previous person who was supposed to do so is the guy who is dating one of the women I had been interested in. Unsurprisingly, he was gone by about 5:30 every day this week.Thats a crazy workload! On the one hand I can totally understand if you resent the person who was supposed to solve this problem. On the other hand I think 5:30 (with the occasional exception) should be the time you go home, too! Would that be possible? Would that be something you would like or better a bit longer? Or maybe put in another way: how much time would you like to spend at work every week on average?
Dear XenopusTex,
I like that you told your office colleagues that you didn’t have time! How did they react?You said in the past that there are no theraphists in your town. What about in other towns close by? The reason I ask is that when I read your posts and especially your last one, I feel that you really need to talk about these kind of things with someone who can give you immediate feedback. Someone who is firmly on your side, because it looks to me like no one around you has had your back in a long while. Who also can train certain situations with you, like confronting your mother. If that is really not possible now I hope you will try finding a theraphist in the future.
I hope this post doesn’t offend you. I know it sucks when someone is giving advise that is not actually feaseble. I just don’t want you to give up on the idea too soon because you think theraphists are for lunatics only or something.
Dear Anita,
sorry for the late reply. Last time I posted I was preparing for a volunteer event that took away most of my time, focus and energy for some weeks (even though the event itself was not so long.)
What you wrote was very nice, and I tried to remind me of it when I went to choir again last week. It so happened that my friend and I arrived at the same time and we sat together. The other girl occasionally looked at us from afar and smiled. There was no jealousy this time, because she was no threat from a distance I guess.
You wrote:
“When you wrote about the new girl: ” She is talkative, positive, active”- reads to me that you believe she is superior to you because you are not as talkative, positive and active. As if you are supposed to be like her and are less than for not being more talkative, positive and active. ”I think you are right, I feel somewhat inferior, but I see your point that different people (like you) will like different kinds of people. One person from the choir, a really sweet lady, even told me “well that new girl is really strange” which I thought strange at the time. It’s just so difficult to believe that we really might be “equal”. I am not (or only occasionally) a people pleaser. When I feel grumpy/bored/angry, I feel grumpy/bored/angry and I will not pretend otherwise. I have learned with time to listen to my needs (e.g. hunger, need for sleep, for silence etc.) so that there is no need to feel grumpy/bored/angry so much but I often slip. Also I have a nagging suspicion that I tend to be too much of a narcist, but don’t want to go into that right now.
But I also feel like I failed my standards: I have felt alone and left out often in my life. I know loneliness so when I see other people being alone then I will try to make them feel included. I sense this loneliness in the new girl too, despite her openess. But something still warns me that she might be trouble.
Ninjaii,
you asked „Are married people obliged to disclose their “number” to their spouse? “
No.
I don’t care how many people my partner slept with, why should that matter to me? I would expect my partner to disclose if he/she had contracted some kind of STD. Otherwise I would be proud that I am the one he/she chose to marry in the end.As to you last question:
“Still, if a spouse (or spouse-to-be) were to directly ask, should the other person give their number?”
No.
This is nothing that would impact a partner personally (like STD would, or the question if someone has debts). It’s in the past and over. A spouse can choose to disclose this information, but the partner doesn’t have a „right“ to know.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 