Cal,

You said, that she said, “but then said that she just cannot control how she feels.” If she cannot control how she feels, then who is controlling how she feels? By her saying that is to blame others for actions she knows are very risky to you and the children you have, to say the least. Some people say their spouse is not supporting their emotional needs, but I believe that, for some of those people, no matter how much you support their emotional needs, it’s just never enough for them. So the blame game is on. Just my thoughts…

Pearce

Hi Abby,

I hope that by the time you read this you and the man you are dating have discovered a solid and unbreakable bond, more than you have now as you work through this. I concur with Anita, that “we as humans can’t help but bring our past into our future.” I refer to this as looking in the rear view mirror of our mind, sort of a metaphor for seeing the past. I have experience with this sort of thing that I hope you find helpful. Some people on this forum have read my history before so to them I apologize if it seems redundant, but it was, and continues to be a strong tool to help me. When I was in Afghanistan for 13 months straight I was wondering why I got 3 letters from her while everyone else got one every 3-4 days. Sometimes a package was included for them. On the 13th month I got injured very badly. I was paralyzed from the waste down for 9 months. It took over a year of rehab in Germany to finally walk without help. I finally went home only to discover why I got only 3 letters in 13 months. My daughter, who was 6 at the time, was unbelievably happy to see me. I’ll never forget her smile and hug. About a week later I discovered my wife was playing wife with some other guy with whom she works with. Needless to say they got married. At the time my anger was off the charts. One of the many expressions of that anger was I was emotionally disconnected-to everyone. Even with the future relationships I tried to maintain. The thoughts that roamed my head on a daily basis were evil on a level you couldn’t imagine. So here I was, just returning from a foreign country where as a corpsman for the Marines there was a $250,000.00 bounty on my head, I had been in rehab, and wanted to return to my family and grow as a family. All that happened is that I was homeless for nearly 4 months. I must add that I was and always have been alcohol and drug free. Many returning vets cannot free themselves of that. That was a long time for me even tough there are thousands of vets who are going on years of being homeless. Somehow I finally got in control of myself and eventually turned my life around 180 degrees. Needless to say I had years of anger because of this. I was on a new mission to find a way to get rid of this anger. As time went on I found many extremely helpful ways to cope with this and eventually reduce that anger to near zero as possible. I did years of counseling because I did not want to have this anger become something permanent in my life. I did hypnotherapy which was very helpful, and very cool too. I’m addicted to meditation which has become my main mode of coping. I have been emotionally over my ex, but I still remain emotionally not over the emotions although I have those thoughts nearly eliminated. Sometimes my current g/f says she feels disconnected from me and I know this is happening. It is due in part to the PTSD and what my ex did. When she brings it up I tell her how grateful I am to her for letting me know. When I drift toward the feeling of feeling disconnected I feel like that by not talking to her is tantamount to a ship passing a safe harbor in a storm. What your b/f is going through is not recognizing you as being his safe harbor in his storm. When I open up to my g/f she recognizes that I am trying to make things not only better for me but for our relationship. I think of opening up to her as “going home,” as in a heart to heart (re)connection.

Maybe when he gets like this you can go to the special place you both enjoy, the beach or park or mountains and kind of make a gesture, like gently tapping on your heart and tell him to “come home.” Let him know he is safe with you and your heart is his home. Let him know, if you have not done so, that you have fears that you are “afraid it will be brought into our future.” But also tell him you are there FOR him, not against him, that you want to see him happy by letting go as much as possible of that event.

I could go on and on but I’ll spare you the babbling. I wish you both all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you both deserve.

Pearce

Coyote,

You wrote, “The fact that every relationship will sooner or later end up in abusing the other one.” with the operative word being “every.”  First, this is not a “fact.” Plain and simple. The word “will” is an absolute so I have no reason to believe that “every relationship will sooner or later end up in abusing the other one.”

Narcissism is a profoundly destructive personality trait yet for one to want to change one must be willing to invest a sincere effort to undergo professional counseling and it may take some time. At some point in counseling some memories, issues, may present themselves to the point where you are tempted want to quit. Embedded images stirring the pot of fear, anger, and whatever issue that may arise is a HUGE opportunity to confront your fears. Have no fear my friend. You are stronger than those fears. I forgot who said this, “Learning has no value if change is no longer necessary.” If you want to change, Coyote, you first must learn. In your self diagnosed case of narcissism, I am not sure if you can learn from any advice I can give. I apologize profusely to you if that seems harsh. Find a professional who employs a mode of therapy that has many years experience in this area. They can teach, you can learn, and you can change.

I wish you the very best of luck my friend.

Pearce

@Inky

WOW! I didn’t expect that. When you said “I started creating an online presence a few years ago and believe it or not, it sometimes made me feel even more isolated.” I didn’t see that coming. I thought the opposite would happen. Would you mind explaining why you felt that way. I’m curious.

Pearce

Brooke,

There’s a lot for me to digest in your post so I will think on this and get back. Promise. I hate seeing things like this happen. But I promise you I will get back. By the way, approximately where are you in the country? Are you in America or elsewhere? I ask this for the purpose of getting back to you in a timely manner, considering time zones.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by PearceHawk.

Myles,

The day is beautiful! Today has never happened before. It’s truly amazing! Of all the 7+ billion people in this world, 7+ billion Myles, there is absolutely nobody like you. You have amazing strength, a huge heart, and a soul that is unbelievably wonderful! I mean it. Out of those 7+ billion people, not a single one can take away all the amazing things that make you who you are. As far as the homophobia goes, that is merely an expression of fear as seen through the life of someone who lives in narrow margins that they have designed. Sometimes I think that people who are homophobic remain so out of fear of deviating from what they have been taught. I have some gay friends, men and women, even though I am straight, and I love them forever. How can doing that and accepting gay people be so difficult? To entertain your question of “when do you decide to cut contact with people?” I don’t think there is any single answer to that. For me, I cut ties with people as soon as I see the effort to take advantage of me, to find a way to hurt me in some way. Because life is shorter than a blink of an eye, I don’t have time for people like that. I have cut ties with my 2 sisters and my step-dad, who has since passed away, and I have absolutely no shame, guilt, or regret in doing so. I have forgiven them for what they have done but this does not exonerate them for what they did.

I’d like to attempt to answer one question you had in the title of your post. “Do you have to examine all beliefs for truth?” Please correct me if I am misunderstanding your question as I believe that what you are asking is if you have to examine all beliefs to find truth? I believe the answer is no. I think if you rely on sorting through all the beliefs out there to find truth, you are not defining truth as you know it, although I am certain other people’s belief may or may not influence your truth. People live their life according to their truth and how they define it. Even more basic than that is the question of what is truth.  Time for me to stop the babbling.

As I always say, release your peace, live your love, and enjoy the ride. Let me k ow how you’re doing.

Pearce

Hi J.P.

I hope that my words to you find you well on the way to a much better and a more loving life. Toxic relationships, IMO, are one of the worst feelings to endure. When friends/people tell me they are in a toxic relationship and want out, invariably my advice comes in the form of a question; what do you do if you step on a piece of glass? You find that have two choices. Either leave the broken piece of glass in and let infection take it’s course, possibly lose the infected foot, or, remove the piece of glass and begin to heal. I understand it is easy to deal with a broken piece of glass in your foot, but an emotional connection with someone who is toxic is difficult to overcome, but far from impossible. Unless you choose to remain in that relationship. Sometimes, when we find that we need to leave a bad relationship, the “nostalgia about the past, how great things used to be between me and my ex fiancée” makes it difficult as you know. You said, “She makes it hard for me to leave and I really don’t know what to do.” Her making it hard for you to leave seems to me that she is well practiced in the art of manipulation so it’s not about you. It’s not about what you want. It’s about her and what she wants. Clearly this relationship is a dichotomy of you vs me, and not we. You question of “I really don’t know what to do.” is really easy to answer. Regain control of your life so that you can “become the person I used to be.” But this cannot happen unless you take control of your life and leave. But not to worry. She will find another person to manipulate and control. You are not some object made available to someone who manipulates you and creates a toxic relationship. You are a human who deserves respect but this respect must first come from you respecting you. As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, as each moment passes you miss out on the opportunity to meet someone that you CAN be happy with.

You said that  you “ went into this relationship right after being engaged to someone that I would consider the “love of my life.” How soon after that relationship did you get involved with this person? I’m thinking that the current relationship happened too fast for you to assess what went wrong with your “love of my life.” Thinking about what went wrong with the engagement is a tool you can use to help you understand how to hopefully avoid repeating it again.

If the current timing and circumstances are such that it is difficult to leave immediately, then make a plan and a date you want to make the move. Once that is in place, make the move. When you said, “For some reason ive had a really hard time letting go,” this is because you are attached to the nostalgic, events from the past. You must realize that the good times were once upon a time and you need to represent in the here and now, because the “now” is where the toxicity is taking place with the nostalgia is a method she uses to manipulate you, thus you stay thinking things will get better. A 4 year history of a toxic relationship should be more than enough time to realize this relationship is not going to work. You said, “Im scared of being alone.” My friend, for 4 years you have been alone. It is time for you to respect yourself, love yourself, leave, and be open to “meet somebody that I can be happy with.”

Pearce