@TeaK: you are right, TeaK. I should learn to stand my ground and not give in.

I have actually started taking a personal development course on healing emotional wounds but just haven’t had time to do any of it because I’ve been so busy with work.

I feel like if I confront them, they will be offended. It’s easier for me to confront them in English than my native language and because of the culture, I don’t think they will understand.

@pink24: Yes, especially in my culture and how my family is, there is no boundaries and we are always taught to take care of parents. I guess my problem is that when I say “No”, I always end up feeling bad and end up helping them because I give in too much. Because if I don’t help them, my sister won’t do it and then my mom would cry and say things to me and I feel guilty to reject and not offer a helping hand.

@anita: Hi anita and thank you! It’s nice to talk to you again. Yes, we are still living together and still sharing the same room.

“You shared that your parents gave you a lot of attention for as long as you were the only child. But when you were 8, and your sister was born, both parents favored her over you, and “showered her with more attention and love”. You shared that the relationship between your mother and sister was “so close”, and you added: “I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me”.

Fast forward a year, I assume that you still share a room with your much younger sister (?), and not surprising to me: you still feel that your parents are favoring your younger sister over you, by insisting on bothering you, the un-favored older daughter, with their requests for help, so to not bother their favorite daughter, your sister. At this point, you’ve been feeling unfavored for 21 years.

Am I correct in my understanding?

Yes, that is correct. Deep down, I guess I don’t mind helping them, but I just really wish parents would be more fair and split between asking my sister and I for help. And having built up resentment with my parents makes it so hard for me to help them because I feel (especially from my dad) that the only time he talks to me is when he needs something from me. And only calling my name when he needs help. With my sister, they would talk about anything and it’s like no tension. I just feel so unheard and unseen by my parents. I literally do not have any emotional connection and closeness with any family member. And it drives me crazy that my sister doesn’t even offer to help at all. When I do ask for her to help parents, she gives me an attitude.

Anita – My sister actually turned 19 this year. But you’re probably right that it might not be possible to have that kind of emotional bonding/closeness with her as much as I hoped for.

“I wish you had someone with whom you had a meeting of the minds and hearts.” I guess that’s why I try to search for that closeness/emotional bonding in a significant other in replacement of ones I’m lacking from family and friends. But I feel it always backfires because I confide too much to them and in the end they would say harsh things or we end up arguing/fighting about it. Thus it makes me feel like it’s not safe to talk about my feelings or thoughts without being judged or used against me when conflict arises. I do journal about it but I guess it still doesn’t replace the feeling of not having someone to empathize with me, like a best friend you know?

It’s also hard for me to make friends growing up because I’m painfully awkward socially and I do get social anxiety. When I do make friends, it’s hard for me to keep them because we eventually drift apart somehow whether it’s online or in real life.

Yes exactly. To be honest, I was really hoping and looking forward to learning driving this year, but that would have to be postponed until later because of quarantine. It made me feel more regret and guilt that I really should’ve done it sooner because now it feels like such a huge setback that I don’t feel like I can accomplish anything due to it. On top of that, my work situation is currently unstable at the moment and I’m really worried about it or whether I’ll be rehired. I really don’t want to lose this job. It’s the first job where I worked from the bottom way up that actually gave me confidence and made me felt proud of myself, that I can do anything. I had hopes on working there for many more years.. It was the place that gave me a chance despite that I didn’t have much work experience. Before that, I was really depressed and felt horrible about myself because I’ve tried countless times applying to retail jobs and others, which I always got denied because I lacked the skills or have no experience. I’m just scared that I’d have to face that again. Interviews always terrified me because of my social anxiety and I don’t feel good enough because there are always someone who’ll be chosen because they are better.

Thank you anita. I really do appreciate that you’re taking the time to listen/read and reply to my posts always. <3

It was also the fact that my ex gave me a lot of attention everyday. I kind of missed that too along with having someone to talk to. I also recently read about lovebombing and felt that was what H did, which makes it so hard for me to move on despite the relationship being so short.

As for my family, growing up my parents and family gave me a lot of attention as I was the only child until when I was 8 years old, when my little sister was born. Since then, I felt like both my parents and family favored my sister and showered her with more attention and love than on me. My dad was never one to show or express much emotions nor talked much with me, so I always felt emotionally distant with him despite that I know he cares for me. I just don’t feel any emotional connection. Maybe I do feel a little bit with my mom, but we have our fights and disagreements and then my mom would say hurtful things to me at the heat of the moment, which hurts me a lot. I don’t think she realizes it or mean to do it but it just happens.

With my sister, I’ve always envied that everyone favors her more that I sometimes have bad thoughts which I feel guilty and terrible for having. Because of it, I don’t feel close to my sister emotionally despite that we’ve been sharing the same bedroom. Though when I do try to work in being close with her such as suggesting we do things together like watching a video or show, etc, she doesn’t want to and I feel so rejected and hurt because she would spend that time playing games with her online friends or doing things with her school friends. I end up developing more bitter feelings towards her sometimes. We do sometimes get along though but it’s a brief moment. I just envy that my mom and sister’s relationship are so close. I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Annie.

Anita, he was still in my thoughts when I woke up today. I miss texting him I guess, because we’ve been texting constantly for 3 months everyday and often up until our breakup (we haven’t texted and I haven’t heard from him since)..

I hung out with my previous ex (Y) today. I felt okay until when I saw something that reminded me of H because it was something he liked. I started feeling a little sad and honestly couldn’t focus on the present because my mind was filled with so much thoughts. I felt bad that I couldn’t be present with Y. There were a few times where Y tried to hold my hand, but we didn’t say or talk anything about relationships. Towards the end of the day, I felt more sad and cried. I know I shouldn’t but somehow I really miss H and he was on my mind most of the time..

Hi anita. Today was a bit harder because he was in my mind the first thing when I woke up this morning. I felt really tempted to check up on his profile but I’m trying to fight the urge not to. I feel depressed and unmotivated as well due to still being in quarantine so getting out of the house is not really an option for me. I feel so stuck.

And I appreciate you giving me more insight in this and to respond to some of your points,

1. I know it should’ve been common sense to not mention exes to potential dates and partners. At the moment, I just needed someone to talk to and he was that person. I felt like I could tell him things and how I feel. There were times he asked about my ex and we did exchange information and he’s shared some things about his exes as well (though not as much as I did). But I learnt now not to bring these things up so early on in the relationship or minimize it
2.  That’s a good question and I’ll keep that question in mind the next time. I’m assuming he’s an emotional person. I was guarded and had walls up in the beginning so it was just nice things to hear for me. Before we met he would say things like I’m so fun and that’s what he like about me because we understand each other. It felt that way for me too. There was a time shortly after he asked me to be his girlfriend that I told him I want a break to sort out how I feel about him. He said he’ll wait for me until I’m ready because he wants me. That lasted a day and the next day we got back together. He said he was sad because he thought we broke up. He did mention about me to his online gaming friends in the beginning we got together that I’m his girlfriend. At the time, I felt it was too soon he announced it because I wasn’t ready to announce it yet. He apologized and said he was just too excited that he has a girlfriend.
3. Our text was him flirting with me sexually, but also mostly him talking about his family and friends and what he’s up to, sorry I wasn’t too clear on that. To be honest, I don’t know why I felt irritated that he was being sexual because I did enjoy that side with him and liked that he was attracted to me in that way. He did try to please me too and wanted me to feel good. It was early that we did it, but I felt ready to and did wanted to try it with him because I do enjoy sex. But it bothered me once when he asked me in his exact words if he “got in my pants faster than my ex”. I felt the way he worded it made it feel like I’m not respected.
4. When I first found out he was on the dating app, I remember asking him if we are mutually exclusive or to that sort. His response was “hmm” and it took him a minute or two to reply “it’s still too soon don’t you think?” And I was confused because we aren’t on the same page, but he insist we are. When I said I thought we were, he quickly changed and replied “okay honey we are we are”. Next morning I was still sad about it and he just asked me “babe heartbroken?” But it didn’t sound like he was concerned or cared at that point. It’s like when I ask what we are to him, he just goes along with what I say instead of voicing his opinion and thought because he didn’t want to upset me (I’m assuming)

Thanks anita, I did see your third post.

I guess he doesn’t trust or believe my feelings for him or the relationship.

It just hurt that he blocked me on the dating app because I guess he figured I knew he was still on it, but still didn’t admit he was on it and saying it wasn’t him. I would’ve appreciated if he’d been honest with me but he never was.